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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 26/05/2020 22:03

Have you got a dining room that could be used as a bedroom?

Queenoftheashes · 26/05/2020 22:05

Erm does he get any dad guilt at all for what a spoilt brat he has raised?
Her attitude will not make for a happy life long term.

PurplePansy05 · 26/05/2020 22:05

Why would you even consider taking your children and moving out? Is there something else going on? I can't get my head around your way of thinking, you've lost me, sorry.

Wifeofbikerviking · 26/05/2020 22:05

Can you look at getting at extension then. If theres no mortgage it should be easy e ought to raise some money against the property. Sounds like the room wont get given up so definitly explore other options

Inkpaperstars · 26/05/2020 22:06

Sorry if you addressed it OP but why can't your DH sell the house? Are you saying that if you rent somewhere now and your DH comes with you, this house he owns will just sit empty? Or would you rent it out?

If your DH dies, do you want to live in that house for the rest of your life with no ability to sell it and use the proceeds to move elsewhere?

PurplePansy05 · 26/05/2020 22:07

No other rooms in the house that could be converted? Garage? Extension?

How do you normally accomodate visitors to your house if they stay overnight?

blubellsarebells · 26/05/2020 22:07

Im sorry you are having to deal with this frankly ridiculous situation op, but it sounds like you have got your head screwed on and will put your daughters first.
This is not a normal dynamic at all and irs not healthy for your daughters.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 26/05/2020 22:07

You live with your husband and two children. The house has 3 bedrooms. Of course the resident children get a bedroom each. There is no reason for anything else here.

I'm sure the step daughter has a room of her own, wherever she lives, too.

Inkpaperstars · 26/05/2020 22:08

Also who's this bunny that pays all house bills and repairs? Smile

Itwasntme1 · 26/05/2020 22:09

Also do not invest in extending a house you have no financial interest in.

If you work and make a financial contribution to the upkeep of this house remember you and children will not benefit from it.

If I were you I would go and see an independent financial advisor. See how you can build your own assets.

locomoco19 · 26/05/2020 22:09

Am quite shocked at your thought process op, why on earth do you think you don't have any right to your husband's inheritance, your his wife, you have every right, you not taking anything away from his kids by having a right, just like if he was still married to his kids mother, the kids and mother would inherit, that's 3 people, so likewise you are his wife now, so you would inherit along with his 2 daughters, still 3 people. You have every right, your not being a gold digger.

Scout2016 · 26/05/2020 22:09

If your husband does move out with you, what happens to the house? Would it sit empty? Or your step daughter have it to herself? I know it's fantasy but be great if you could rent it out, so she's still got her bedroom but with strangers in the rest of the house. Actually... is that so daft? Could you rent the 2 rooms out to students or something? Income for you, house still in family, she still has her room. She'd be the mystery housemate who is never there but hey, she keeps her room.

BimbleWimble · 26/05/2020 22:09

Why can’t you sell the house?

Original poster
Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 22:10

Whilst looking online at property to rent whilst reading your supportive response,my only final worry is I think I will struggle to afford to rent a 3 bed on my own, it isnt impossible, and if it has 2 beds and to reception rooms,I could take one reception room as a bedroom.i could make it work,just it's not where I imagined to be 7 years of marriage,cancer survivor all because of dh and his adult child. But I also need to do what is best. Thankyou all

OP posts:
Starcup · 26/05/2020 22:11

sell

lyralalala · 26/05/2020 22:11

Thinking about it more, in your shoes I'd be moving out.

You may have the right to live in the house if your husband dies first, but can you imagine what your DSD is going to be like if that happens?

She already has a sense that she has more say over the place than you. You could potentially be older and grieving and have to deal with her moving herself in (potentially with a partner and children) and throwing her weight around your home.

Not a chance. Move out to somewhere for you and your DDs. If your husband wants to move with you then he can contribute to your joint home. If he doesn't then it's his loss.

Inkpaperstars · 26/05/2020 22:12

It's not what you should be dealing with after years of marriage and after being ill, no Flowers

blubellsarebells · 26/05/2020 22:12

"Why would you even consider taking your children and moving out?"
Because her children haven't got access to the resources they need.
The space is there but dh would rather pander to and keep a shrine to his fully grown adult daughter than let ops dds have use of the space they need.
Id move out too.
And i wouldn't be paying a penny towards any extensions.
Don't most people start paying board at 16 or 18? Shes 22 for gods sake.

YinMnBlue · 26/05/2020 22:13

Can you not sell the house and buy a bigger one between you?
Using the money that you would be spending on rent if you were to move out?
Surely he would agree to this before seeing you leave?

Can you convert the loft?

Original poster
Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 22:15

Difficult to explain but it was his aunt wishes he had the house,and he didnt sell and it was passed to his kids and their kids etc..
She has her very own room all to herself at her mums and step dads
I actually think he would let her live here or keep it empty and when she wants to stay she can. God the more I write the more I see how bad all this is

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 26/05/2020 22:15

And I agree, why do you think you shouldn't inherit anything? It sounds insane, sorry. You're his wife. I don't understand why you wouldn't have rights to the house. What about everything else within his estate - is that the case too?

If you have no interesr in the house at all then if any changes are made to it to accommodate your DS then your DH should pay in full. Why would you do that in these circumstances. I'm astonished you went ahead with renovating the bedroom for DS, that was a time to tell her it's not her room anymore and it should have been refurbished for one of your daughters. I really struggle to understand your predicament.

66redballons · 26/05/2020 22:16

The flaw in her “my house” argument is that you both need to croak first. It’s not her house or her home. Your dh needs to put first the dc that live there, ffs you have been extremely accommodating in giving up claim to it.

lyralalala · 26/05/2020 22:17

I actually think he would let her live here or keep it empty and when she wants to stay she can. God the more I write the more I see how bad all this is

@Turnipsandpotatoes Thinking about it now while you are doing so - does your DSD rule the roost in other ways with your DH?

Is this just a final straw?

66redballons · 26/05/2020 22:18

Will she dictate how you decorate it. Because it’s going to be her house one day.

lyralalala · 26/05/2020 22:18

And I agree, why do you think you shouldn't inherit anything? It sounds insane, sorry. You're his wife. I don't understand why you wouldn't have rights to the house. What about everything else within his estate - is that the case too?

It's not that unusual. Lots of people are given advice on here to protect their children when going into a second or subsequent marriage.

The issue is the DH is letting the DSD act as if she already owns the house