asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

[Turnipsandpotatoes]

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

Dh says "daughter has to give up room voluntarily" you say "your two need their own rooms" what is his response? Tough?

Tell him that your children need their own rooms and there needs to be a plan. Moving, extending, turning lounge intonation bedroom, splitting the family, 22 year old gives up part time room. He cant just say no.

When the eldest stays make it clear it will be in the the third room. As your 2 will be staying in bedroom 2 which is the one with the futon in.

She never gets 'her' room back again.

I guess your husband is suffering from some kind if guilt. It must be hard for him. But i dont think he's doing his daughters any favours by feeding their entitlement.

I feel you need to do the room beautifully both of there project picking a choosing colours etc but possibly put a bed with a pull out underneath

So it's your daughters room but if Sd even stays she has her room too with her own stamp on it and maybe that night dd can camp with other dd if there not
Up for sharing

I moved out at 21 and my bum dent in the mattress was still there when my parents moved my brother into my (bigger) room and turned his into a guest room

Your DH needs to put his foot down with her. She’s being selfish and putting her wants over your children’s needs.

My parents converted my bedroom into a office during my first term at university. It was a bit of a shock when I came home for Christmas.

Seriously though, her attitude is ridiculous. As PP's have suggested, your DD's can have their own rooms most of the time and share for the occasional night when your DSS wants to stay. Otherwise it's just wasted space. I'm sure that wasn't what your DH's aunt intended, she wanted your DH to use/benefit from the property, not waste rooms.

By legally renouncing your claim , you've made it very clear that you understand that it will be your DSS's eventually - which is incredibly generous and thoughtful. It's not theirs yet though.

Thankyou all, you have all been saying what has been going around in my head,I was just so worried I was going to come across as an awful step mum. I do believe he has dad guilt,and I am going to have to sit down and say to him all what I have said and see what he says. If I do leave to rent and he doesnt come with me then i will call an end to the marriage,as much as that will hurt me i will have to. Thankyou for being nice,and making me feel better about how i was thinking

Its ridiculous to even think about extending or converting the loft at the cost of 10s of thousands when the house is already big enough for the people who live there.
Whos paying for that?
Op? With no interest in the house, no way.
Move your eldest into the room and get a trundle bed in the other room for you dd to stay on when sd graces you with her presence.

You won't be uprooting because of her. You'll be uprooting because your DH wants to keep a room for his adult daughter.

Be clear, your DD's need a room each, so you extend your current house, or move house - that can be either renting out this one and renting another or buying another house, or 3rd option you leave without him.

If he doesn't want to do any of those, then he has to stop reserving a room for an adult who lives elsewhere.

Tell him the current situation has to be changed by the end of the Summer. Ideally before. He doesn't get to leave things as they are when they only work for 1 of the 4 people who live in the house and another independent adult who doesn't live in the house.

Agree with the question, where is she registered to vote and for council tax? If it's not your house, as an adult, this is not her home.

DH and I intend to move to a (very) small place when our DC are in their 20's so the chances of them keeping their "own" rooms at our house are very slim!

Of course, if they ever need/want to live with us, we'll make it work, but I'm not paying for a larger property that has empty rooms most of the year.

It's no longer her room, she's 22 and lives elsewhere. Harsh but true as she's a proper adult now, at 22 . The people that live in the house come first, especially the children. She doesn't stay often enough to have a dedicated room.

Time for DH to face facts and put children growing up in the house first. If they need their own space , it's crazy to have a bedroom kept as a shrine to Stepdaughters previous childhood life like a museum for occasional b&b purposes! She's left home.

Why on earth would you consider moving home with all the hardships that'd bring, for an occasional visitor?

It does need to be dealt with sensitively .

But as an adult she'd be incredibly entitled to expect this to continue, when she already has another bedroom all to herself where she actually lives, unlike your other DC!
I'm surprised she hasn't suggested it herself.

Registered to vote at her mums house.

I think you need to brazen up and think about you and your husband. Do you want to be forever living in ‘his’ home?

Where you can’t even provide a room each for your children?

They need a room each. You need to feel that you are contributing to a home together. I would seriously consider moving or ask your husband about selling up and creating your own neutral home without the past history.

Personally I don’t think you’re both equal in this relationship. He is clearly favouriting his daughter over his step daughters, so if the situation was the other way around he wouldn’t expect his daughter to share - is that fair?

I think it all stems from it being “their” house, not yours. It is essentially like renting isn’t it? Not a great situation to be in. You’d be better off in your own space.

Your poor DC must feel second best and very unwelcome in the home. I think you should consider buying your own home OP, because if this is DH attitude to who gets which room in the house it will eventually spill over into other areas too and you may eventually need a place to go to. I would advise against building an extension or attic conversion, you should not add financially to an asset that is not yours.

carry on as you are, which tells your dds that your dsd is more important than they are.

My thoughts exactly.

Put this in terms of days, your DDs are there 365 days a year, at best SD is there 12 days a year.

It is that simple. She doesn't live there permanently, she has another place to live, she isn't being turfed out onto the streets. Your youngest DD needs, not wants, needs a room of her own.

Why can your husband not see that? Give it to him in terms of days the room is used.

This would be a deal breaker in the end. I think you do need to move out. As for if she comes over to stay, can’t she sleep in the living room or dining room if you have one?

How can he think it is a good idea to have a room sitting empty for most of the year? Ridiculous, he needs to man up! If he won't listen and puts his 22 year old first over this then I'd be putting my kids first and moving out.

Its like renting but the landlord lives there and saves a room for themselves.
Fuck that.
You and your dds would be better off out of this op.
Can you buy something yourself? Even a 2 bed with one larger room that can be divided?

Honestly u would suggest looking for a 3 bed to rent. Then maybe he will realise how silly he is being. An adult child who no longer sleeps, over does not take priority over children who live there! You could do up the box room as a token of goodwill.

This is so odd and confusing. Why can't you sell up?

Alternatively, can your SD's room be split into two instead for your kids? In other words, you'd have more bedrooms and they wouldn't be box rooms?

I'm trying to find some options, but honestly, if the SD is visiting once a month, I'd buy a sofa bed and let her sleep in the lounge. She doesn't own this bedroom. She doesn't live there. Her inheritance might be a share in proceeds from the house sale, if your DH decides on this. It's completely irrelevant. No one at 22 can expect an entire room in a house to be forever kept for them.

When I have mentioned it in the past he has said about splitting my girls room in half,but that would make 2 box rooms,and when I say box I mean walk sideways as it's so small box but also that they would have to walk through one room to to get to the door of the second room,there is no way to put the door anywhere else. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it all,calmly, I do think his dad guilt is so strong he wont back down,which will end up sadly me moving out, but at least then my girls will have what they need and maybe I will have grown a bit more of the backbone I used to have. I dont want my marriage to end, he is a lovely husband in many other ways

Well it’s because it’s the house she grew up in an ‘knows’. There in lies your problem.

There’s no way she could make a claim on a bedroom of her own if you bought another house? Can’t you see it and make a fresh start?

You wouldn't buy a house with an extra room for the occasional guest, so beyond reasonable to use the room for the children who are actually living in the house. (And, no, children who are there EOW etc are not guests, but a grown up child who visits occasionally is.)

Her room is a small single