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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 21:20

Ukgift2016

My kids have 2 houses that will be left to them from their biological dad.
If I stay here and hubby dies,I don't have to leave till I die. There is no morgage here,I pay for the food and a couple Bill's, bunny pays all house Bill's and repairs. Why should I have a part of his inheritance?.

OP posts:
HarrysMummy17 · 26/05/2020 21:21

Have you told your husband you are planning to move out? Maybe that will be his wake up call to speak to his daughter.

OchonAgusOchonO · 26/05/2020 21:21

Regarding your question on whether your dds should have their own rooms, of course they should. The fact you've signed that document means the house will never feel like your home. You are married. I assume in law, you have rights, despite the pre-nup. It is your home and it is up to you and your dh, not your dsd, an adult who does not live there, to decide how the it is used.

Your dh is being completely ineffective. He needs to grow a pair and tell his daughter that it is up to him and you to decide how your home is used. Obviously stress she is always welcome. I'm sure your dds could share when she is staying over but it is ridiculous to have your 2 sharing when there is a room empty most of the time.

If he won't tackle the issue, you have a few choices. Move your dd into the room anyway, move out to another house/flat or carry on as you are, which tells your dds that your dsd is more important than they are.

Itwasntme1 · 26/05/2020 21:22

I think you need to love in a home where you feel equal. You are tiptoeing around everyone because you don’t feel Iike this house is your home.

Move, either sell or rent. It is obvious to most people that the adult daughter no longer needs a room. Yes if you had space it would be lovely to have a room dedicated to each daughter, but you don’t.

If your husband isn’t willing to make room in the house for your two younger children then it may be time to rethink. Also at present your daughters inherit nothing. Could your husband rent out his house and could you buy a house between you that you feel is your home, and all four children could one day inherit (obviously the older girls also get their great aunts house).

I would advise, however, you tread carefully when your two are older. If the two rooms remain ‘theirs’ then the older daughter will throw it in your face

LipsyGirl · 26/05/2020 21:22

FWIW Op, I wouldn’t cater to her. She’s a grown woman!

StoorieHoose · 26/05/2020 21:22

She can't claim 'her inheritance' while her dad is still living. Your DH needs to tell her to grow up and that her room will be given to one of your girls. Either than or she starts paying digs on a room that she doesn't sleep in

manitobajane · 26/05/2020 21:23

YABVU to have signed a document waiving your own legal rights!

^ This. Having done so you don't really have a leg to stand on when it comes to allocating rooms do you? Why would you DH want to rent a house to live in when he has one, or do you mean for you to rent on your own and split up with your DH?

blubellsarebells · 26/05/2020 21:23

The obvious answer is your daughter gets the room full time and the spoilt brat can have it when shes there.
Which sounds like hardly ever.
Your husband needs to grow a backbone and his daughter needs to grow up.
I had my own baby and a home at 23.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/05/2020 21:23

I'm sorry, I wouldn't even pay the bills, I would be putting all my spare cash into savings/pension - because if you and your DH ever split, you will literally be left with nothing despite being married and will have to rent into your old age.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 26/05/2020 21:23

In your first post you say you can't sell the property. Why not?

NailsNeedDoing · 26/05/2020 21:24

If the strap daughter can’t work due to ill health, she is likely to still be quite dependent on her parents, she’s still young despite being an adult.

I think you have to leave it up to your husband, it’s his house and it’s not fair for you to pressure him into a position he’s not comfortable with. If you feel that your dds need your own room, then it’s up to you and their father to provide that for them, it’s not your husbands job or his daughters. I understand how difficult the situation you’re in must feel, but I would feel pretty awful as a parent if I gave my dc’s room away before they had a home of their own.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 26/05/2020 21:25

The Eldest needs to give up that room either voluntarily or by you nd DH just doing it. They can sleep on the sofa when they visit or on a put me up.
I think it's very good of you to have had that document drawn up it was his from the start and I agree should stay with his family and for his children. However since you have no mortgage it would be prudent for you to look to potentially buy somewhere to rent out so that you are also able to have some security should things either go tits up or leave for your own children. Something to think about.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 26/05/2020 21:26

If she visits so rarely then do up the room.. your step daughter gets it on the rare days she visits and yours double up for the night.

When she leaves your daughter goes back to the room for the other 29 days in the month.

Sorted ! This is exactly what we did in similar circumstances.

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2020 21:27

Why cant you sell?

What would happen if your dh died ?

PicaK · 26/05/2020 21:27

You gave up rights to the house?! I hope you mean you have the right to live there until you die.
You don't have a room in your parent's house at 22 surely? Especially if you have one somewhere else.
I can see how she would find it weird to have no space in her dad's house. But we all get used to that.
If he really won't back down, give your room to the girls and split, you go in the next sized room and she gets the smaller one which you guys use as a dressing room.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 26/05/2020 21:28

If I was you, I'd say to DH that your 2 DDs need a room each. So there are options, either you look at adding a room to this house, converting the loft, or extending some other way - or you rent it out and then rent a 4 bed house together, or your DDs take the 2 rooms and your DSD accepts as an adult who doesn't live in the house, she doesnt need a room to herself.

The current situation is not suitable for your family. Your DDs are part of your DH's family now. If he doesn't see them as family, you need to be looking at spliting up.

Maestro7 · 26/05/2020 21:29

Hi @Turnipsandpotatoes I am one of 4 siblings and the two youngest shared a room. When my eldest sister had moved out to college but still came home at weekends my mam gave his room to one of the younger two. It wasn’t fair that they had to share a room when they both lived at home full time. She got a sofa bed for my sister to sleep on. She was fine with it. When space is limited you can’t commander a room to yourself when you’re barely there!!! So I don’t see it as a step sibling or otherwise issue simply an issue of a larger family and limited space. Unfortunately if this girl is spoilt she might not care less about her younger siblings whereas my sister did.

wonderrotunda · 26/05/2020 21:32

Are you and DH in the largest room? Would that one split into two more easily? Then it would become his problem too
Grannie annex in the garden?

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2020 21:32

Even the mention of it being her inheritance is crass. So inappropriate. She shouldn't even be thinking about it at 22.

Original poster
Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 21:33

If dh dies I stay till I die
My girls are sorted for inheritance from bio dad
I do have savings.
Hard to explain but after knowing her,I know if my eldest stayed in that room and had to get out when she came over,she would probably sleep over more deliberately.
Can I add, I love my husband and we have a really good marriage,its just this issue we have come across that's causing issues. I'm happy renting,its just a shame to uproot us all because of her. And yes I do find I dont feel like this is home, rented houses also are not home,but they dont have all this history tucked up. I also have just had cancer surgery so the thought of uprooting,with or without husband is pretty scary

OP posts:
3luckystars · 26/05/2020 21:33

Just sell up and buy a bigger house together.

Babbaloo1 · 26/05/2020 21:34

As others have said you need to hold your ground - and if you do go down the road of extending and spending your family cash on a conversion I would revisit the legal document giving you no interest in the property!

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 21:36

He’s a shit step dad. You’re married. Your girls are with either full time or most of the time. One of your children has additional needs. Even if she didn’t, they’re the children who actually live there, have you asked him why he’s being so selfish and doesn’t want them to be comfortable and happy?

Your pre-nup/gold digger stuff is bizarre. Where’s it come from?! You both agreed to get married, did you manage to skip the what’s mine is yours bit of the vows? He should never have agreed to you signing your rights away even if you were mad enough to suggest it. The whole dynamic is very peculiar.

Of course your children need their own rooms and I’d put the blame for this daft arsed situation entirely on your husbands shoulders. Princesses will be princesses. She’s a grown woman ffs, time for the dad guilt or whatever it is to be over now.

If he won’t put your children first then I’m afraid you have to. How will he feel about you and him living apart if that’s the only way you can have your kids appropriately accommodated?

I doubt this is the only thing where your daughters are playing second fiddle to the weird wonky dynamic.

DeliaOwens · 26/05/2020 21:37

Where is she registered to vote and where is council tax paid? That is her current address. She doesn't as an adult get to hold onto a room, with some sort of rent/payment for ever more. That is unworkable for all concerned.

She will get her share of her father's home if he leaves her some in his will. Until then, it's your home and you need to use it as is necessary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 21:38

its just a shame to uproot us all because of her

It’s not because of her. It’s entirely because of him.

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