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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
bowchicawowwow · 27/05/2020 22:16

Similar circumstances here. Adult DS rarely home as at Uni and has made it very clear he won't be returning home once he's finished Uni. We redecorated his room in neutral colours, kept the furniture and basically just freshened it up. DS2 now sleeps in there but we kept the bunk bed in the other room just in case his plans fall through and he needs to return. He will always have a home here, but he knows that I can't preserve his teenage room forever

Inkpaperstars · 27/05/2020 22:20

@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine

Thank you! That's a really helpful explanation.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2020 22:31

@inkpaperstars, have you seen a copy of the Will?

If a house is inherited with a mortgage (and no insurance) then the person inheriting can either pay off the mortgage, get a new mortgage or sell and then pay off the mortgage.

Was your relative living in the UK?

SandyY2K · 27/05/2020 22:35

@Settlersofcatan

I don't really understand why so many posters think the OP and her kids should inherit her husband's late aunt's house over her husband's kids.

I agree with you OP
I don't see why the OPs DC should inherit property that their mum didn't put a penny into. The OP is right on that one.

@Friendsofmine

If you were a woman having a man come into your inherited home we would be saying that you need to protect your home from him in the event of divorce.

You're absolutely correct here.

However, it sounds like another way to resolve this might be to sell the house and move elsewhere.

But that would mean all of the money from this house went into the new house....how could he ensure his DDs received the full inheritance in accordance with what the current house would be worth.

@EileenAlanna Your post at 16:56 is spot on.

#MachineBee

if you died before your DH and before your DDs were financially independent what would happen to them?

They have a biological father. Their step dad hasn't adopted them and nothing the OP has said indicates he has parental responsibility of them.

mubbybeck · 27/05/2020 22:36

It sounds like your husband, through feelings of guilt, is putting his daughter’s feelings first. I think it’s time you made him realise yours and your daughters feelings are important too! Tell him you’re not happy your teenage daughters are sharing and then together come up with a solution. See what he suggests. It would be quite interesting to see what suggestions he comes up with!

Loreleigh · 27/05/2020 22:56

Your husband needs to man up, grow a backbone and recognise you have already made plenty of allowances and compromises. He needs to acknowledge what is needed for you and the children that do live in the house and to tell the spoiled adult-acting-like-a-kid to get real and stop behaving like a brat. I'd insist on the children having their own space and inform the older one she is welcome to sleep on the sofa when she comes to stay (or maybe one of yours would offer to let her put a camp bed in THEIR room) but she does not need to be dictating the decor etc for a room that should no longer be hers. Tell her you expect her to act like a grown up. Your husband should be the one who breaks the good news to her - he needs to behave like a husband and father not a servant or doormat.

1ForAllnAllFor1 · 27/05/2020 23:06

I don’t think the step daughter is unreasonable to want to keep her room. It might be the only thing left for her to call home. How is her situation like at her mums place ? Adult kids often don’t feel they belong anywhere

Celestine70 · 27/05/2020 23:11

I would just move out.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 27/05/2020 23:13

What a ridiculous situation! Just tell Stepdaughter that it is your daughters room as you all live there now and she doesn't but that whenever she stays, DD will move in with her sister temporarily. Move the least difficult of your two into the room.
And you should have a share of the house that was left to your husband because you are his wife!!! If you were living anywhere else your children would have that security of a home if you should pass away suddenly - you've left them with nothing, its crazy.

Celestine70 · 27/05/2020 23:16

I don't understand why you won't be inheriting at least part of the house.

chocolatemademefat · 28/05/2020 00:31

The lunatics are running the asylum. Your home your rules. She’s too old to be daddy’s princess and as for her referring to the house as her inheritance - possibly not. If your husband ever needed care and you weren’t there to do it the house would be sold. Stop treating her like a child - at 22 she’s old enough to understand how selfish she’s being. She obviously has her own room elsewhere so do the same for your daughters. Make them feel just as valued and give them their own rooms too.

Inkpaperstars · 28/05/2020 00:42

@HollowTalk

Unfortunately I was joking about that specific example. I haven't inherited a mansion Grin Blush

Choccylips · 28/05/2020 00:50

Get a pull out bed for the larger room and let her share with one of your daughters when she comes occasionally or ask them to share just for the weekend that she's there.

MerlinMoo · 28/05/2020 01:15

You do not sound like an evil step mum at all you sound lovely. She doesn't need the room. Let one of your girls have it.

SandyY2K · 28/05/2020 01:26

I don't understand why you won't be inheriting at least part of the house

The OP waived her any possible interest in the house and it was an asset pre marriage...she did not contribute to it, so why should she own any of it?

It's not like they have joint kids and she was a SAHM. The Aunt has also stated that the property is passed down the family blood line.

1ForAllnAllFor1 · 28/05/2020 02:05

I was 16 exactly when my parents split. Similar to what it sounds like your step daughter was.

It is horrendously painful, to suddenly feel stripped away from all your childhood memories and identity and the only thing sentimental left at times is the family home.

I’m finding the comments of so many pp “your house your rules” so insensitive. This is first and foremost the step daughters fathers house too.. which she grew up in. B

At worst this is a tricky situation that needs to be communicated sensitively, and at best there is conflict of interest between needs for space and needs for feelings of belonging and anchor (we don’t have any idea how she feels in her mums house)..

I have found most of the advice on this thread to be biased and not sensible.

Step mum you sound very sensible. I think I would move everyone out.

I think the daughter has so much history in that house and she feels it connects her with her family and dad. And memories. It’s hard dealing with divorce and you sometimes need an anchor.

No one will win by ignoring the needs of the other. This is not being selfish. This is her needing stability and reassurance.

She just needs her father to speak and reassure her that she will always have a place with him whenever she likes.

I think the ultimate decision is with the dad, he should know what works best and perhaps he isn’t able to articulate well why he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

Perhaps his daddy guilt is because he feels he should’ve done more .. so time to address that instead of over compensating.

Destroyedpeople · 28/05/2020 02:19

Oh please no 22"year old needs 2 rooms for her exclusive use one in each parents house. Good grief.

QuidcoQueen · 28/05/2020 02:45

My brother was moving his stuff in to my room at the same time I was moving out. Tough luck. If you dont live there you dont get a room kept empty. That's bloody crazy.

I know the step stuff complicates things but the people who permanently live there matter more.

Cantfindafreeusername · 28/05/2020 07:23

^^Adult kids often don’t feel they belong anywhere
Sorry but what rubbish - They are adults and should be able to understand by now they are part of 2 families....Don’t need a bloody room at age 22 to prove it! But yet it’s fine for the OPs teenage kids Who live in the house to feel
Like that don’t belong there in order to save a so called adults feelings?? I think your girls have done well to live like that for 4 years without complaint.

AvadaKadavra · 28/05/2020 09:02

I've temporarily moved back in to my mums, me and my daughter do have a bedroom each which I feel very grateful for as I'm certainly not entitled to that at 27. When we don't Iive here the only person with a bedroom is my toddler. A room for my toddler is generous enough of my mum but she wanted somewhere for my little girl to have when she stays over.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2020 09:05

It's all been said OP and you are now seeing this for what it is.
I hope you manage to resolve this easily but I fear that is not going to happen.
Your DH won't man up.
You need to do what is necessary now.
Good luck!

AwwDontGo · 28/05/2020 10:14

The step daughter has said the OPs daughter can use the room when she isn't staying over. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ok, so that's not quite handing the room over completely but it's not far off.

Rather than all the dramatics suggested on this thread how about the OPs daughter moves into the room and offers to sleep in her sisters room on the odd occasion the stepdaughter wants to sleep over.
I don't see the issue with this at all.

pollymere · 28/05/2020 10:56

Why can't you sell the house and buy one without the memories? Maybe get a teeny mortgage and get one with a small fourth bedroom for ESD to sleep in when she comes over? I don't understand why ESD sees it as her inheritance...does your DH only have a life interest in it?

Alpal1 · 28/05/2020 11:05

I suggest, Your girls get a room each, BUT on the clear understanding that they bunk up when step daughter comes to stay. One of the rooms should have a shelf, small chest of drawers or similar where step daughter can keep some possessions, so she doesn’t feel quite so pushed out.

She is struggling to let go and needs a push to be less selfish. But when it does happen, you may need to be patient for a while. (Maybe eldest SD could help her to see sense?)

1ForAllnAllFor1 · 28/05/2020 11:06

Pollymere I don’t struggle to see why she sees it as her inheritance..