asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

[Turnipsandpotatoes]

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

She's 22, a fully grown adult. She has a home with her mother and siblings. She's behaving like a selfish child. Sick or not she has to grow up. This is now home to you and your daughters. She's ignoring the needs of her ss as is your dh. You're going to need to put your foot down for the sake of your girls. They are the ones who come first as their needs are the immediate concern. Your dh needs to stop and think about how you've put his kids feelings ahead of your kids needs.

She just needs her father to speak and reassure her that she will always have a place with him whenever she likes.

This isn't always practical, and circumstances should always be considered.

I mean, I'm a single parent. And once my DC start to live elsewhere, they know I'll be downsizing to reduce my costs. I certainly won't be maintaining empty bedrooms for them to stay whenever they like. I'll need to win the lottery to be able to afford that.

As the property is in dh name he can do what he likes with it. If he needs to sell it for any reasons then she has to suck it up. My parents home is theirs to do what they wish. My siblings and I have no rights to their property. Dh has to look at the needs of the family that is you and your kids . They are now his family and their needs have to be met. It's just a house, it's the people that make a home.

@1ForAllnAllFor1

Pollymere I don’t struggle to see why she sees it as her inheritance..

IMO it's presumptuous and grabby for a person to talk about their 'inheritance' while parents are still alive, it's as if they already see the property/money as theirs.

bringincrazyback

Of course. But the care sounds sensible and not grabby.

And with my insight as someone who was a step daughter form the age of 16 and lost both homes, I would say that she is just trying to justify why she feels a strong sense of belonging to that house and the only factual thing she could use is that she is an inheritor

What she really is saying is “I should matter to dad more than or at least just as much as his step daughters”. Which I’m afraid is true. She needs reassurance. She might be 22 but the divorce impact might still be unresolved form an earlier ages

She doesn’t sound like a horrid step child just like the Op sounds like a reasonable step mum. Absolutely no point creating assumptions

Zombiemum1946

I’m quite curious as to why his ex wife and the kids didn’t end up with a portion of the house upon divorce - financially speaking ?

Whilst I can be sympathetic to a situation where someone feels a need to belong and ownership, this situation is preposterous and is highlighting some serious cracks in the family in my view.

You gave up any legal rights on the house - fine. That aside is it you and your girls home or not? Your DH clearly favours his own children over yours as no rationale person would keep a room largely unoccupied on the off chance of a guest whilst others are squashed in the house. Your DH is pandering to the daughter and you are pandering to him. What about the needs of those two girls?

1ForAllnAllFor1 do we need to know what divorce settlement the DH and his ex had? Can we not just assume that as that is not the point of the post, that whatever was decided was agreed on by those concerned? We aren't part of that story

I think you will need to move out.

Tell him he can stay in the house with the once-a-month DSD.
Leave them to it - they deserve each other.

i think they father has the right to want to keep his adult daughters feeling welcomed in their house too..

If this is stepping on someone else’s needs then perhaps they should rent out this house and rent a flat that fits everyone. With OP perhaps contributing to the difference ??

We have no clue to the financial arrangements but I honestly don’t see why someone who owns a property And owned it much berore his current marriage, why can’t they make decisions as it suits them ?

He sounds like a good step dad who is looking after his step daughters. Do we have to be surprised that he has a soft spot for his own biological daughters ?!

The greatest tragedy that can befall anyone in life isn't that 2 sisters share a bedroom.

Please do not push your stepdaughter out of her childhood home. She clearly feels like this is still a home for her and your husband's guilt if you boot her out of it will be unbearable for him. You don't say where the ex lives, or if the daughter lives with her or on her own, but regardless I think making sure she feels she has a home with her dad is very important.

My advice would be to give your younger daughter her own room, on the grounds of autism, and then set up the third bedroom to be shared by your older daughter and stepdaughter. As in, put two bedsand two dressers in it. When your stepdaughter comes they share. Hopefully your older daughter is mature enough to understand the situation and take the practical view that she will really only be sharing the room occasionally.

Good luck!

Her inheritance? FFS.

@EileenAlanna

The greatest tragedy that can befall anyone in life isn't that 2 sisters share a bedroom.

Did you miss the part that said one of the sisters has Autism and needs her own space? Your post was really insensitive.

She didn't need her own space when her mother was paying for it & renting a 2 bed flat for them so there's no reason why she needs it now. The house can't accommodate each of them having their own bedroom, even though the disabled daughter of the owner has already said that she has no problem with one of them using her room when she isn't there. The OP has vetoed this. Instead of it being her DH's daughter's room it has to be her daughter's room. The amount of time each would occupy it would remain unchanged. Frankly there is no "problem" apart from the one that's she's making.

Can you swop rooms? So the SD still has a room but your children get the bigger room

She didn't need her own space when her mother was paying for it

Or they were younger

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend from what I've gathered on the thread her dds already have the larger room. Her sdd has a small single.

I would imagine this is a very difficult situation for all of you, including your husband. Your step daughter living with you was an arrangement that has been in place for a long time. From what you are saying he has been a good father to your kids. I would personally have a word with him and try to see if there is any other way around this (most likely you have). I have an autistic son too, and understand how stressful things can get especially when they need their own sensory area. Would it be worth looking into the option of converting the loft into a bedroom or do a small extension? I would imagine it would be harder emotionally and financially for you and your children to move to a different house without your husband. It is tough decision to make OP so many factors to consider. Best wishes

OP has been gone a while.

Not rtft but I also think you need to mention that separating the room as suggested is a huge hazard in the event of a fire. Would both rooms have immediate access to a window that is easily breakable? Would it cause more obstacles? Why should your kids be put at risk for his little princess? Is she worth more than they are? I wouldn't even give separating the room a second thought OP, it just seems like too much of a risk.

Talking about 'inheritance' is gross at any age, but at 22 it is awful. She could easily be in her 60s by the time she actually inherits it.

I think you are doing the right thing. You can't live like this, with your girls' needs being put after an adult child's.

Lots of dynamics here.

Firstly it's not your home, you saw to that when you signed that waiver (why you did that is beyond me: you were in a relationship, gold digging doesn't come into it). On that basis YOU can't boot anyone out of anywhere so it's a moot point. The decision must be made by DH.

You SD needs to grow up and get a place of her own, it's not her dads place to put a roof over her head.

Lots of issues here, no solution, sorry.

Just a different perspective- she may not feel that her step dads place is 'home', especially if she grew up in your husbands house as her family home. I feel a bit sorry for her to be honest. I would feel 'ousted' out at 22.

The thing is, adult children do need to be moving towards independence in their early 20's. I don't subscribe to the "everyone should be financially independent/not rely on their parents at 18" belief, but I think think it's healthy for young adults to start moving towards this in their early- mid 20's. Otherwise, when do they start being responsible for themselves - 25, 30?

I know the DSD in this case has health problems, but her Dad needs to treat her like an independent adult and explain that this isn't her house yet! She doesn't have any rights until she inherits it and he doesn't have an obligation to reserve a room for his adult child (who's hardly ever there). Hope it works out.

Thinking about this again, I do think the idea of moving out, renting out the current house and using that to rent somewhere else, even if it needs to be topped up a bit to make space for DSD to have a room/for there to be a spare room either DSD can use.

This will break the idea that your home is still her home. While it'll protect the inheritance/investment, it will mean that someone other than family are living in it (it's been the Aunts, then both her parents, then just her mum, then just her dad in this house).

A rented property will break the idea that it's her home that you've moved into. She may well find she doesnt need the security of her own room in a new house. She wouldn't be giving up her childhood bedroom, but deciding if she wanted to have a room reserved in a new home.

You can 'sell' this idea to your DH as it's clear the house you are currently in isn't big enough, given that a room has to be reserved for DSD - but as this isn't a long term issue - your eldest without additional needs is already 5, within 5 years she may well have left home and your DSD have settled with her own home, rather than living with one parent or another. It would be a waste of money and resources to move to a bigger bought house that you will not need within a short time, also a waste to extend/convert the loft for such a short period of time.

Renting is the best option for needing extra space for a short period of time.

If this is agreed, getting the currently property ready for rental (do not allow it to be rented to family/friends!) will help with the mental break. The loft and all cupboards will have to be emptied, packing things up for a new property or thrown/charity shopped.

I was 25 when my parents sold my childhood home. They bought a smaller property and used the difference to buy a holiday home/invest to top up pensions. There was always a guest room at the smaller house, but as I'd never lived there, I didn't feel I had ownership of it. If I needed to, I know they would have always taken me back in, I had that security, but I didn't feel it was my home in the same way as visiting them when they were still living in my old childhood home.

PIL are still in DH's old childhood home. It still has lots of his stuff in the loft/the garage. He doesn't want it, but doesn't want to deal with it. My parents moving in my 20s forced me to either remove or accept they would throw all those old clothes/toys/school art projects.

This seems the 'kindest' way to avoid taking a bedroom off her. You aren't throwing her out, she'll always have a bed at wherever your home is if she needs it, it's just that you are all moving. It's not about DSD giving up her claim on her childhood home. Plus after a year or so of renting it, it stops being everyone's 'home' and becomes your DH's 'investment property'.