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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
PeachyPeachTrees · 27/05/2020 18:32

a, girls who live there ft should get a room each. DSD will still inherit whether there is a room for her to stay or not, if it written legally in a contract.
b, split your room into 2, gou and DH go in girls room and DSD keeps her room.
c, build a loft conversion or extension.

weininaustin · 27/05/2020 18:32

I have fibro and I cope, work, live, pay bills, etc. There are different levels of severity, and if she can walk 10 miles and go to the gym, she's quite capable. She's taking the piss from the sounds of it.

PeachyPeachTrees · 27/05/2020 18:32

*you (not gou)

FinallyHere · 27/05/2020 18:34

While I see that you could rent out the house and buy someone else, this of itself won't change his opinion that his D.C. are somehow 'better' than yours.

I would think very carefully indeed before entering into any joint financial arrangements with someone who has demonstrated that not all DC are equal.

RandomGirl · 27/05/2020 18:41

This is such a difficult situation however your daughters need to feel that this is their home. Your stepdaughter currently has two that she has ownership over and your daughters are made to feel as if they are living in someone else’s home. Good luck OP.

2bazookas · 27/05/2020 18:58

Is there any other room in the house, perhaps a study or dining room, which could be emptied and made into a bedroom?

If so that's what I would insist on. Even if its rather inconvenient for DH and other family members. Stick the evicted furniture in the garage.

bringincrazyback · 27/05/2020 19:15

If she can do 10-mile walks and go to the gym her fibromyalgia sounds pretty well under control to me. I have chronic fatigue and can't manage that level of exercise. Fibro sucks as do all chronic conditions, but it sounds to me like she's using it as an excuse to act selfish and entitled. ('Her inheritance'? - WTAF?!)

Of course she always needs to feel welcome when she's there, but she's not a little girl and can't expect the room to stay 'hers' when she only visits occasionally. I can understand the 'safety net' feeling, and it makes me wonder if she's maybe quite scared/anxious about life deep down, but the way she's behaving about this isn't acceptable and she sounds like she has a fair bit of growing up to do. YANBU OP.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 27/05/2020 19:53

What a selfish brat she sounds, your DJ should man up and explain that your 2 children need a room each as the spoilt brat has her OWN room at her mums, wouldn't surprise me if shes trying to split you up so that she can have daddy and his money all to herself. Entitled little cow.

Have you spoken to your Dh today op

lifestooshort123 · 27/05/2020 19:55

I would think very carefully indeed before entering into any joint financial arrangements with someone who has demonstrated that not all DC are equal.

The OP has demonstrated this already by salting away the equity from her property for her children.

McCanne · 27/05/2020 20:22

Someone who doesn’t live there doesn’t really have a say in bedrooms as far as I’m concerned.

ToftyAC · 27/05/2020 20:30

We also have a blended family. When my daughter visits she bunks on the couch (she’s 18) as she doesn’t want to take anyone’s room away from them. Like your DH this is an inherited house, mortgage free. She knows that the house will be split between my children when I die, but she’s certainly not rubbed that in her stepdad’s face. How fucking rude. Your husband needs to grow a spine.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 27/05/2020 20:36

Your married and moved into your now DH house and your two DDs are having to share a small room because your DH has an adult DD who wants her room kept.Sorry but I would be using your money and moving back out. Your two DC shouldnt be excluded from your DH thoughts about how the house you share is used. Your DC live there full time and his adult DD does an occassional visit. As with any guests you can shuffle things around when they visit. My adult DS lost his room when he went to uni. We have 4 bedrooms and 4 DC, they have all had to share at some point and now when my eldest returns we shuffle things around to ensure he has a room to sleep in.

MachineBee · 27/05/2020 20:45

I would be wary of relying on your right to remain in a property your DSD regards as ‘her inheritance’. If your DH died before you I wouldn’t be surprised if pressure was exerted on you to move out. If you resisted they would most likely make things difficult for you to stay.

And if you died before your DH and before your DDs were financially independent what would happen to them?

Harls1969 · 27/05/2020 20:55

Since when does an adult daughter, who doesn't actually live with you, need a room in your house? My daughter is 23, moved in with her boyfriend last year. Her room is now an office. (Obviously she could come back if she wants to). Your SD is being unreasonable and spoilt. Daddy needs to grow a pair and tell her.

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 27/05/2020 20:56

If she wants to stay over occasionally, is there not room for a sofa bed in one of the rooms that your daughter's would have? That way she can still stay when she fancies it but your girls have their own space 99.9% of the time.
Also I don't understand why you have given up the rights to house.. don't know your age but you could live there a lot of years with your husband, retire, he pops his clogs and you're homeless!

sunshinesky · 27/05/2020 21:15

Rent the house out, buy one in joint names so you have some security. If your husband refuses you need to leave and find somewhere for you and your girls. They are being treated appallingly, they need you to put them first.

popsydoodle4444 · 27/05/2020 21:20

Why can't one of the girls move into the room and when their stepsister stays she can give up the room for the weekend and sleep on a air mattress on her sisters bedroom floor

Inkpaperstars · 27/05/2020 21:22

I'm going to ask an embarrassingly ignorant question here, but how does someone inherit a house? Wouldn't there be a tax on that inheritance/capital gain such that they would either have to remortgage or have enough funds to pay it upfront? Can you only will a mortgage free property?

Inkpaperstars · 27/05/2020 21:24

You will correctly infer from this that I am still waiting for a solicitor to contact me about the long lost cousin four times removed who has left me their mansion.

lockdownbaker · 27/05/2020 21:38

You and your kids are not lodgers, he’s your husband, you’re married, it is 50% your house, make it your own, you husband should be supporting you on this, your kids need their own rooms. It’s awful that your step kids are already keeping an eye on their inheritance, so many things can happen. Your husband could die tomorrow and you can never move? Don’t you trust each other? Start communicating and stand up for yourself please!

Destroyedpeople · 27/05/2020 21:40

When the stepsister stays over she should have the blow up mattress ffs.
And it's true you can't just inherit a house without paying tax. Besides the inheritance is irrelevant right now.

damnthatanxiety · 27/05/2020 21:47

OP, you may see your step children as family but your DH clearly does NOT see your children in the same regard. He sees them as second class children. I couldn't be with someone who disregarded my children like this.

Ickythumpego · 27/05/2020 21:59

I hope you got a good result today.

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 27/05/2020 22:05

Inkpaperstars, not an ignorant question! It depends on what the property is worth. Up to about £360k (ish, I forget the exact amount) of a deceased’s estate can be left to their heirs tax free. So, if their house and other belongings are valued at less than that, there is no tax to pay. If there is, it is only on any value above that limit, and no capital gains (unless the value jumps hugely between inheriting and paying taxes due, which has to be within 12m so unlikely to happen).

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 27/05/2020 22:06

I meant to add, if there is still a mortgage on the property, and no insurance to pay it, then yes, the heir would have to pay the mortgage off or take a loan/mortgage to cover it.