asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

[Turnipsandpotatoes]

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

Either she gives up her room or you sell the house and buy another that fits, either way she looses her room.

Her talking about inheritance is vile. It's not her house it's her dads. It may never be her house- it may have to be sold to pay for her dads care. She is counting her chickens before they hatch.

You have a dh problem.

It won't ever be her house. Presumably when she inherits it, it'll have to be sold anyway to split with her sister?

@AnneLovesGilbert

OP has two children who may or may not be traumatised by having divorced parents, one who has autism, both who have a step father who doesn’t think they deserve their own rooms in the house he invited them to live in ScrimpshawTheSecond, OP has been dealing with her own serious illness on top of all that which her daughters will be worrying about and you’re suggesting she arranges family therapy to appease her adult step daughter who has a room in her mother’s home and is welcome at her father’s home where she also has a kind and considerate step mum. Calling your idea silly is being kind.

AnneLovesGilbert I don't think you've read my post very well. I said the whole family needs therapy. This isn't just about the stepdaughter. It's about OP's relationship with her husband and her husband's relationship with his stepdaughters.

Clearly the OP's daughter needs her own room. That's not in question. I'm suggesting the issue is more an emotional one than a practical, logistical one. The practical steps are pretty clear. What might need work is the relationships.

Some people prefer to force these things and turn it into a little war. I'm suggesting that trying to attend to the emotional issues underlying the arguments might not only be the more grown up way of going about things, but is most likely to actually solve the issues so that the family can continue to function well together.

I see that many people here are wanting to turn someone into a villain. While this works well in stories when we want maximum drama, it's a potentially harmful and not very sensible way of dealing with family tensions.

She doesn't live there and she's 22 for christ's sake. DH needs to stop whining about guilt, move on and realise how ridiculous it is to have an empty room 24/7, just in case his princess wishes to bless you with her presence once in a blue moon.

She doesn't live in the house. She rarely even stays in the house.

She is being a selfish brat and your DH is spineless.

Of course your girls need a room each if there is one to spare.

I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room

This makes no sense whatsoever. Your DH can leave it to whoever he choses (including you). She has no 'claim' on anything, full stop.

Stop pandering to her!

You sound almost frightened of your husband and step daughter, OP.
Overly concerned with it being "their house" and "their inheritance" and "their space" etc etc.

This is throwing up some serious red flags for me - is everything OK?

You have a DH problem more so than a DSS problem I think.

She is 22 years old and has her own home elsewhere. It isn't like she is a child or teenager in part or some shared custody arrangement. It also sounds like the dependence financially on parents is not helping her either. Also, it is not her inheritance, your husband is alive.

Your DH needs to sort this with his DD. Currently the living arrangements of his DD in your home are being prioritised over people who actually live in the home.

I get that he feels a loyalty too to his aunt. However, it sounds like another way to resolve this might be to sell the house and move elsewhere. Again, I think this needs to be on the table as one of the options. His deceased aunt's preferences cannot come before you all, who are living there.

All in all, your DH needs to prioritise the housing needs of the people living in the house. That doesn't mean his daughter isn't important to him, just that she doesn't live there.

The sofa, or a nice comfy blow up bed (you get full height ones which are almost as comfy for a few nights as a real bed) sound like sensible options.

The situation is simply ridiculous and the fault lies entirely with your DH.

He needs to stop pandering to his "Princess" as he is doing her no favours whatsoever.

Both he and his daughter are being selfish in the extreme to keep a bedroom unused for the majority of the time whilst your teens share.

He may own the house but it's just as much your and your DD's home as his but he's treating you like you all like an ungracious host with unwanted guests.

Your DSD's comment about inheritance also needs squashing. She doesn't own the property and may never do so - irrespective of who lives in it now.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He's expecting your children to compromise in favour of his own adult child who has her own personal space elsewhere.

It would be different if she lived with you but she doesn't. Equally her sister doesn't get her own dedicated guest room so why should she? He's even prioritising her over his other child.

I'd absolutely call time on the marriage and move out than put up with this.

I think the aunt has unwittingly caused many problems by asking your dh not to sell and to specify the house must be left to his daughters. Now this daughter has already got her eye on the house and will do for the next 40 years or so!

Because if it was "just a house" it could be sold and you could make a fresh start.

Nobody keeps a 'claim' on their inheritance that's not how life works.
Ofc she shouldn't still have her own room at her dad's house. What a cheek.

I would leave this man OP. I'm afraid I would feel terrible if I made my children live with someone who thought so little of them.

I have been made to miss out on things before by my mum "in case x might want it", it was extraordinarily upsetting to me and I'd never want my child to feel that way. For me it was only something I wanted, for your children to have to miss out on something they actually need "just in case x might want it" will do so much damage to their sense of self worth. Please don't do that to them.

Also, why do you have to show how much you love your step kids by putting your own kids last, when you don't put the same expectation on him? The upshot is that there isn't anyone to out your kids first so they'll always play 2nd fiddle.

Fuck her inheritance. I would be selling the house and buying one together. That will stop her attitude. She sounds really spoilt.

I really would think long and hard before I owned anything jointly with someone who treated my daughters so clearly differently to his own children.

Have I read you op correctly & that you & your DH after marriage lived separately in 2 different flats for 3 years before moving to his house 4 years ago? Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick on that.
I think most of the replies you'd have gotten here would be very different if your relative positions had been reversed & framed as
"I own a house inherited from an aunt who intended it to pass on down my/her family through my 2 DC. I've remarried to a man with 2 DC of his own but to protect my & my dc's interests have a legal acknowledgement that he has no financial interest/right to my home. He previously owned a house but sold it & has lodged most of his money into his DC's bank accounts although he still has a nice little "nest egg" in his sole name. His dc will also inherit 2 properties from their mother when the time comes. I still pay everything to maintain my home myself although he does buy food & pay for some other sundries.

My eldest DD has a disability & although she's now 22 & lives most of the time at her father's house she has & wants to have her own old room here in my house. I've no problem with that but my DH is very unhappy & insists my DD give up her room so that his DD can have 1 each. Should I make her give up her room even though she's already said DH's DD can use it while she isn't there? She's only here about 2 days a month.
I've also stipulated that my DH can live the rest of his life in my house if I die before him. He could live 30, 40, 60 more years before my own DC are able to benefit from their inheritance & given my DD's disability & inability to work she will probably need it earlier rather than later in her life, indeed they may well be dead themselves before then for all anyone can say, & my DH is happy with this arrangement."
I don't think your DH or SDD are being particularly unreasonable, their family dynamics are what they are & have been so long before your involvement. I think if you find a 3 bed house doesn't suit all your needs then it might be prudent to going back to living separately & you finance your own living arrangements for you & your DC. And I think you should revoke your right to remain in your DH's house after his death. You appear to have ample funds of your own, as do your DD.

OP why don’t you suggest that your Husband starts a life insurance/ trust for his daughter instead.
Then it’s not tied to the house that you live in?
Then she would still have an inheritance and all the kids get a room?

Sorry but He’s effectively saying that his kids take priority over yours! Your girls need space - tell him that you either redecorate for youR eldest or you will....but elsewhere! The princess sounds like a right charmer and trying to wind you up more by mentioning the room all the time.

And tell the princess she is more than welcome to use the room when ever she wants to visit as your eldest will bunk in with her sister ....as she has had to do for the past 4 years!

Hell no you moved into a house that you may as well call the step house where you and your girls are second class citizens. You need to sit your Dh down and tell him What real. Goodness me .

My mum converted my room before my sheets got cold. If i went back to stay it was couch or floor. I dont understand why you are pandering, well hubby in this case, is he clinging to the past somehow?

What a hard situation.

I think the only thing you can do, if you want to resolve it without a huge war breaking out. Is say that your teenage daughters need more space, it’s non negociable, and the obvious solution is to use the room which is currently mostly empty.

If this is not possible then you will have to explain that you need to think about moving as a family to an area where you can afford an extra bedroom so everyone has the space they need for their well-being.

Or you will need to suggest making extra space, going up into the loft/extending, for which you would need to reconsider your financial arrangements if you are to contribute. This would create a space/spare room for DSD’s use in due course, which would allow her time to adjust whilst knowing, but mean the current occupants of the house use of the bedrooms now.

I think you will have seriously to consider things like moving (or even moving out without him), extending etc as real possibilities in order to make the point that the current arrangement is not working and cannot go on. While he thinks you will not move out or risk upheaval, there is no need for him to address the problem because he doesn’t think you will actually do anything about it.

I would suggest you think about your own position and family finances as it’s incredibly disempowering living in someone else’s house where they call all the shots for the whole family.

It will be a hard conversation though as he’ll think you’re critiquing his parenting, and betraying his daughter, when really it’s his own complex about his own parenting which is preventing him from considering other options. Of course he wants his daughter to have a safe space in his house, ideally wouldn’t all young adults like this safe haven? It is wonderful but it’s not always possible. He can ensure his home is also hers in ways that do not have a detrimental effect on the rest of the family. It sounds like she has a slight power trip going on, knowing that she will inherit the house and you will not. While not ideal to play power games, whether or not she inherits the house doesn’t have any bearing on who occupies which room at the moment — simply because the house is not (yet) hers.

Good luck and stick to your guns.

I think you need to put ur kids 1st and tell your dh that ur not happy that your dc are being treated like unwanted guests whilst he is keeping a room empty most of the month for his dd. So ur kids aren’t very important in his eyes. If your paying for half of everything and being ignored please tell his dd u will be better off in another house with or without him because you have no say in what happens in that house and you have no security if something happens even if u can stay long term you won’t want too you will know they can’t wait to take over. Also if she wants the room so badly rent the house Out to her use the income for a new house you have been decent not wanting this house long term although your probably entitled but ur kids needs are more Important than dh and his kids right now, if u are there not paying ur way then u are guests in his home but I’m sure you pay your way let your kids see They are part of this family by giving them a room each or move on even stay married but live apart. Good luck

Fuck her inheritance. I would be selling the house and buying one together. That will stop her attitude.

What a nasty comment. The OP hasn't even asked her but has managed to conveniently drop feed that she doesn't work, demeaned her condition - 'fibro something' - then dropped that she 'walks 10 miles a day' and 'goes to the gym' but gets Pip as if to create the impression she isn't truly entitled but lazy.

Nice.

FWIW OP I have fibromyalgia and for two days I have not been able to get out of bed and walk up the stairs or wash the dishes in the sink. If you really care, you should be glad she is walking miles, and going to the gym. I used to do those things and cannot now. Not even on a good day. Some people just assume I like lying in bed.

Have a family meeting and discuss it, or get your DH to take some of the equity from the house for an extension for his daughter. This is fair.

Anyway the inheritance thing is a red herring. I inherited a share of my mother's house and had never lived there. I used to stay over in the box room sometimes. I mean it's a non sequitur
.

Ok I have a cunning plan.
You rent out the house your living in.
You get a mortgage and use money from both accounts to invest in a four bed house.
You take out life insurance on each other that will cover what ever owed including the mortgage, and you live there till you die.
His children get a house each, yours get cash, plus a house from their own dad.

Give her a call tell her you are giving room to one of girls who need it the most. The fact conversation about her inheritance regarding her room is entertained is beyond me it is rude and disrespectful. Does your husband want you there the fact renting a three bed house when you already live in one is an option is disgusting on his part buy a blow up bed let her know she is always welcome to stay. If she kicks up a fuss about it then that is for her father to deal with. To be honest letting her keep it as her room was a set up for disaster anyway.

Sorry for the rant but you are tip toeing around for someone who doesn’t live in your home. (They visit and stay over.)An need a place where people will entertain her childish spoilt behaviour. It’s sounds like her own mum ain’t having it if she needs somewhere to escape. IJS