Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2020 18:07

As others said I assume node house is sold the deposit will be paid back

Buckledee1961 · 27/05/2020 18:11

It’s his sisters and he should support her. . It’s Not all about the money. I should think she intends to pay the money back when the sale of her house goes through.

jwpetal · 27/05/2020 18:30

What he did is a breach of trust. Before deciding anything, get the facts together. Does he have a contract for the money? What is the repayment schedule. Find out why he did not speak to you first and get a feel for how he views your partnership. Once you have the information, decide what you expect from to happen next. Don't let him gas light you. 15k is a huge amount of money to just go an give away. As another poster mentioned, change accounts to joint signature for savings until trust can be repaired. Stay calm and matter of fact. If you were at work and someone stole this amount, what would the process be. Take this process then decide what will happen.

jwpetal · 27/05/2020 18:32

as another poster said, it is his sister. However, you are his wife with a joint account. I come from a family that would help each other, but we do put things in writing. This keeps situations like yours in the open and honest. good luck

NoMoreDickheads · 27/05/2020 18:33

YANBU- I can see that he'd want to help his sister and that's fair enough, but he should've mentioned it to you.

honeybee88 · 27/05/2020 18:33

First you need to draw up an agreement....if you havent already done so. Text her to say you are doing it so you get her acknowledgement per text even if she then says no, you have proof. ( tell her you are setting up an agreement for her to sign for the 20 000 she borrowed- chances are she will get annoyed...text back saying it was only 15 000...haha ) Get the agreement signed! As soon as she gets money from house she pays you back. Set up a separate account in your own name and what you save goes in that account from now on. You cant trust him and what he has done is bang out of order.

Ellisandra · 27/05/2020 18:33

OP fucked off then? Hmm

Aridane · 27/05/2020 18:34

It’s a bridging loan to be paid back out of the proceeds of sale - no biggie EXCEPT, yes, of course this should have been a joint decision

Aridane · 27/05/2020 18:35

Even if it was £10 he has no right to take joint money without you both agreeing on it.

Good god

Realistica11y · 27/05/2020 18:37

So, your (supposedly) lifetime partner has has committed to helping his sister through a difficult period by using some of the family finances without having consulted you first. Understandably, you have some questions to ask.

Without knowing when he made the commitment, what his intentions are or anything more about the arrangement, you announce his actions on a free-for-all Internet forum, in a bid to seek approval of your emotionally charged negative reaction from thousands of people you don’t even know and never will who undoubtedly will love to revel in the drama and tell you how to conduct yourself as an empowered woman.

Is that really the true worth or your relationship ?

If it is, then I would suggest it was over long before his sister’s £600K house went on the market.

Ernieshere · 27/05/2020 18:38

Did she really reply 'accidentally' on the family whatsapp? I would question that.

honeybee88 · 27/05/2020 18:38

Purpleartichoke thinks its hard to get money back with an agreement. No its not. It might cost you a little but you can do it yourself. Or get a solicitor to do it. A court will rule in your favour with an agreement in place.

caringcarer · 27/05/2020 18:39

If the money belongs to both of you jointly he is being massively disrespectful to you to offer money to his sister without speaking to you to find out your view first.

If SiL will get a large chunk of money when the sale of her house goes through and has agreed to pay your dh back then he should have discussed this with you as well. Will he discuss it with you now? If he had discussed this with you, it might be that you would have agreed SiL a short term loan, but by not discussing with you he has shown you 1. he either does not value your view, 2. he does not trust you or 3. he thinks you would say no and so has deliberately tried to keep you in the dark.

You will have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Is this the first time he has done something like this or does he have form?

I would be telling dh I am very disappointed with his treatment re the money for his sister and not discussing with me first.

His sister clearly thinks it is a loan from both of you hence the email., she is not to blame for his underhand behaviour.

If there is £15k left in savings account I would draw that out and open an account of my own and put my share of savings there.

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 18:40

It's entirely possible that she plans to move first, complete the sale of the more expensive house and pay him straight back, but that doesn't excuse him loaning out a large amount of money without consultation. I would be majorly pissed off on that point alone.

recycledteenager24 · 27/05/2020 18:43

this is so far fetched and not sure i believe it esp. as op has gone awol.

LadyEloise · 27/05/2020 18:44

So brontechick hasn't come back. Hmm

glennamy · 27/05/2020 18:50

He hasn't given away your savings, you are being dramatic!

When the house sells she will get 50% of what's left (you said mortgage nearly paid off) and pay back the LOAN...

The LOAN is to FAMILY so she doesn't end up homeless in between house sale & purchase, one 600k home being sold and the cheaper one (up to £300k) being bought!

If you cannot help family who can you help?

Also, If it was your sister or brother and you knew the money would be coming back would you not help if you could!

But looking at the results of the poll the vast majority of you are tight, uncaring twats who could have helped out when needed.

However, he should have told you of his intentions, but maybe he knew how you'd react, and by the looks of it, he was right!

skyblu · 27/05/2020 18:53

YANBU. That’s a breach of trust. He should’ve talked to you about it before he made that decision & payment.
BUT....as soon as she sells the house, you’ll get the money back right? You know she’s good for it. It’s not that he’s lent her the money knowing she has no means to pay it back or will take a lifetime to do so.
He’s basically just tied your money up temporarily, in her situation.

So yes, you’re right to be Very P’d off at him, but also keep it in perspective - it’s not gone forever - it’s just tied up for a bit.

Thinkingabout1t · 27/05/2020 18:59

Outrageous. You need to have a very serious talk with him about this. What made him think it was OK to give away your shared money without asking you? What else does he think it's fine to do behind your back?

You found out about this by chance. I'd be wondering what else he's done that you haven't found out about.

recycledteenager24 · 27/05/2020 19:05

how does op [or her dh] know that they will get their money back though ? it's been suggested that 40% of people who lend money never see that money again, it's small change out of the house sale but if she and dh can't be open about it to start with.
glen untwist your knickers they are making you irritable. Grin

Thinkingabout1t · 27/05/2020 19:07

the vast majority of you are tight, uncaring twats who could have helped out when needed

You're making that up, Glennamy. People here are furious that he gave away their joint money without asking or even telling her. Yes, "gave away" because OP doesn't know for sure when or if she will actually get it back -- no one bothered to tell her, let alone ask her.

SIL seems to know it wasn't a joint decision as she only thanked the husband.

DH and I have lent money to relatives, always knowing that if something went wrong we wouldn't get it back. But we would never do it dishonestly.

Jaded1 · 27/05/2020 19:08

YANBU In the past my husband loaned my BiL a good deal of money and it was only with my agreement. My husband is from a culture that helping your family in this way is the norm, and it would not necessarily be the norm to ask your wife, but he did so.

He was also the first to offer to lend my brothers cash to add to his deposit when he was a first time buyer, which enabled him to buy a bigger property.

Your husband should have discussed this with you fully beforehand. My advice would be to try to understand his motives and explain to him why he was wrong.

Taliya · 27/05/2020 19:18

I am sure she will pay you back. It sounds like she is going through a really difficult time and your husband wants to help his sister out in obtaining a home which will provide her with some security at this time and moving forward with her life. If you can't rely on your own family in difficult times then who can you rely on ....certainly not landlords or the welfare state that's for sure. I think you are being a bit unreasonable but can understand you feel upset you were not consulted. Maybe in the future if you both ever hit hard times she will also help you out of your family will.

cherish123 · 27/05/2020 19:18

DH is very unreasonable. I'd be livid. 1) because he did it without asking 2) presumably you are both working so it's both your money. Why can't she just wait for the house sale? She will have enough for deposit then. If she only work 16hrs, then she will need to work more if she is short of cash.

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 19:21

@glennamy

He hasn't given away your savings, you are being dramatic!

When the house sells she will get 50% of what's left (you said mortgage nearly paid off) and pay back the LOAN...

The LOAN is to FAMILY so she doesn't end up homeless in between house sale & purchase, one 600k home being sold and the cheaper one (up to £300k) being bought!

If you cannot help family who can you help?

Also, If it was your sister or brother and you knew the money would be coming back would you not help if you could!

But looking at the results of the poll the vast majority of you are tight, uncaring twats who could have helped out when needed.

However, he should have told you of his intentions, but maybe he knew how you'd react, and by the looks of it, he was right!

OP didn't actually say she had a problem with the loaning of the money. She does have a problem with him not consulting her!