DH giving away our savings...

[brontechick]

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP - if you are still there - If there is money left in the account take what he loaned his sister and half of anything else and put it in your name. It is massively underhand, almost as if he knew you would not approve. If anything should happen to her you would have terrible problems proving it was a loan and not a gift. I would get something typed and get her to sign it AFTER you have opened your own savings account, because he won't like you asking her to sign an agreement but if her ex was nasty IF she did die, you could lose that money: get it sorted out

@Ellisandra. You beat me to it - why do people ask if they are being unreasonable and then bog off??

@Petlover9

Yeah, you should act really fast so that you’ll get your money back in the event that your beloved husbands sister should die before she has chance to give him back a few grand he loaned her during a crisis.

Speechless ... There are some really lovely people on here ! 😊

Given your username, I just hope you don’t treat your pets with the same contempt you would yiur husband and his close family members.

Did you earn any part of the 15k he’s loaned to her? If so very unreasonable on his part- seems like he hid it because he knew you’d say no.

I can understand why, but I’d also be raging about the how OP.

Probably just an attention seeking post as OP has not replied once. I wouldn’t have a problem with the lending if money (not that we have a spare 15k) but I would have a problem with him not asking first. I think it would finish us to be honest if he did this and kept it quiet.

Is the money from a joint bank account, that you both pay into? Then no, YANBU. But if it's a joint bank account that you just sponge off and don't contribute. Then fuck off, it's his money. He's helping his sister with his money!!

Yanbu to be angry, but you should get the money back immediately her house is sold, if it's nearly mortgage free.

You aren't being unreasonable.

Firstly, you should determine when the money will be paid back. If it's an unreasonable amount of time, you should consider charging interest. After it's paid back, I wouldn't keep a joint account. If your Dh thinks he can get away with something similar again, he will do it. You should have a look through all of your financial records to make sure everything is correct. This may not be the first time something like this has been done. I have unfortunately dealt with similar circumstances. My "Dh" has for years funnelled money for rent, car down payments/repairs/tickets (you name it) to his Dd who is masters educated - but refuses to work. It's best to nip it in the bud when you catch it! And lastly, try to figure out why he didn't come to you. Is it because he assumed you'd just say no, or is there some other conflict? In the long run, if you can't trust your Dh, it is best to part ways.

He should have discussed with you. You are not unreasonable at all.

My uncle leant my mum thousands to buy her house outrighr when she left my step dad. My grandparents lent the rest, so she was able to get a 100k house eithout needing a mortgage. Eventually the land sold that she shared with my step dad and he gave her the 80k he owed her, and she was able to get the rest together in a coulle of years.

The difference is, my uncle didn't hode it from his wife. You are allowed to feel hurt not to be consulted and pissed off. But he probably didn't think twice about it... some families are just more easy going about lending money. i wasn't able to get a mortgage when buying our house, so family lent it. My sidter took out a 5 year loan of 25k for me. I just make the monthly payments each month and it is as though it was my own loan. I've always felt it was a big and henerous deal from her, but she shakes it off as nothing, if anything it has improved her own credit score.

Try not to be too mad, but make sure there is a written promise of repayment and a plan for how that will occur. Also any interest.

To those saying empty your bank account or lock it down by changing the passwords, don't be ridiculous. The OP needs to establish the facts and have a conversation fgs. The money may not even be for a new house. Just talk to him.

*Also have a word with her. If the money is for a deposit then you'll get it back. It could be that's its actually to clear debts or something else.

I don't think you are being remotely unreasonable - I'd be fuming as ANY money in a joint savings account, savings pot etc is there for all (usually 2 people) who contributed towards it to discuss how it will be spent, distributed or saved. Regardless of the amount saved or the amount taken from it behind your back, it should've been something you discussed and made decisions about together. £15K is a hell of a lot of money and it doesn't sound like your husband has any contract/agreement in writing from them, another huge NO! NO! and NO! I'd insist the money is paid back in ASAP, that your relative uses their own fucking funds from the sale of their house and waits to buy a new house until they have their own bloody money. I'd be furious and see it as a massive betrayal if I saw somehing as 'ours' and my better half treated it as his sole property to lend to people without my consent or even my knowledge - how dare he.

IF by any miracle you still have savings left, if I were you I'd ensure both of you need to sign paperwork to release anything from it - if there was a similar or greater amount I'd be tempted to tell him he lent his half out and take the rest to put in a sole account that he does not have any access to - how can you trust he won't pull similar stunts in the future, or decide to make purchases that only benefit him not both of you? For me that breach of trust would mean I could never trust him with the financial decisions and I'd be seriously considering keeping him well away from MY savings/income/investments etc. Sounds like one way or another you need to protect your own interests now. Good luck - I'm gutted this has happened to you and can only imagine how upsetting this is.

If it is too late to get the money back, You can put a charge on the new house, so that when it is sold you will get the money back.

He’s helping his sister buy a house before she can buy it herself. I don’t see the problem tbh.
I wish someone had done this for me. It took me a year to get my equity.
So long as she pays it back, no harm done.

FreedomBird u don’t see the part where it wasn’t with his money alone?

I’d suggest the OP takes out 15k into her personal account until that 15k is back. And no questions answered and don’t inform the DH and let him find out on his own.

This gives me the rage

Oh, OP, where did you go?

I'd be pissed if my DH took £15,000 out of our savings without asking me. If your family needs help then your family needs help. If you want to provide that help then okay cool! But to do it without consulting... Bloody Nora!

Why on earth do you have a joint savings account? I understand having a joint account from where day to day stuff gets paid from, but a joint savings account doesn’t make sense to me.

Wow, I'd be absolutely tamping. Completely disrespectful, it should have been discussed with you with you DH if not both parties.
Me and my partner have joint savings and separate money in each personal account but I always consider it still as our money.
I lent my ex SIL 200 quid from my PERSONAL account and I still just said "do you mind if".. i know the answer already but I just like to say it incase my partner has an opinion on it that might make me think twice.
But never in a million years would either of us take money out of joint savings without the other persons prior knowledge.

And I wonder if she thought you knew and now that's even more embarrassing for both you and SIL or you might need to act like you did know. What a horrible situation.

123Pandora

OP says that she’s work hard to put into the savings so it’s clearly not just his money to make that decision on, even if it is being paid back when the house sells.

YANBU given the way he's gone about it, although as aquiesence and others point out, can he get a loan agreement drawn up in retrospect stating that the deposit will be repaid from the proceeds of the first house sale?

Can anyone else in the family act as guarantor for her so you don't lose out if she doesn't stump up?

2020 10:00 Claudia1987

Do you work? Did you jointly save towards this pot of savings ? If so, then yes I think it's a bit crap.

Even if she doesn’t work, this is family money. Don’t undermine the contributions of those who don’t earn actual money.