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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:

Stuckforthefourthtime · 26/05/2020 15:58

The hell she's going to pay this back. Bollocks. It's gone. Nothing much is selling right about now anyway. There will be some excuse. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms it's a huge breach of trust and unaffordable at a time when he's taken a pay cut and there's a recession looming and he's insulting my trust to try to play the gaslighting weasel trying to make out it's no big deal to give away that much money without discussion. And that if it is not returned then our marriage is over because his desire to play the Big Man is obviously more important that open communication, trust and respect. And I'd mean it.

Geez, projecting much? SIL has had offers above the £600k mark. She's looking for a place around £150k. Why on earth wouldn't she have the cash to pay it back?
Yes, he made a huge mistake and I'd be angry too but some of these responses seem absolutely mad.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 26/05/2020 16:04

Well my neighbours finally sold their own £640k house in Feb after 18 months of arguing in the divorce. I've spoken to our new neighbour and she's lovely but god alone knows how she didn't lose patience (same buyer as made the accepted offer 18 months ago, she told me herself!). Even if SIL had every intention of repaying it, you could be waiting for years OP!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2020 16:07

I suppose it's too late to get the money back?

The first thing I'd do is lock the remaining savings down so this can't happen again. Can you set the account up so it requires 2 signature? Or I'd move my 'share' into a sole account. And I would be factoring the amount she borrowed as part of 'his' share, not just splitting the balance left. By that I mean if total savings £30,0000 the £15K he lent her is now his 'share' and the remaining £15K goes under your name. You get my drift.

Then I'd get SiL to sign some kind of loan agreement. And don't make it contingent on her house giving enough profit to repay it. Specify to be paid from house proceeds OR monthly repayments.

It's probably time for separate finances. DH and I have had joint finances for over 30 years, but if he abused my trust to the tune of £15k, I'd get separate accounts so fast your head would spin.

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 16:08

Oh my some of the advice here is way over the top and will humiliate you if it turns out your husband didn't promise the money but merely suggested he would like to help his sister!

gamerchick · 26/05/2020 16:11

Hand grenade thread?

thebeatofthedrum · 26/05/2020 16:15

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

Forgive me if I've missed this but has he actually given it to her already, or just promised it? If it's the former you've still got time to blast that rocket under his arse before you lose the money.

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 16:18

If he ‘merely suggested that he might help his sister’ that is still completely out of order without discussing it with OP first.

floppyhare · 26/05/2020 16:21

I'd be telling DH he gets the money back pronto and if he doesn't you will be demanding your half back as he can't just hand over your money without your agreement.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 26/05/2020 16:22

I’m not sure OP said that there were offers in. It reads to me that is up for sale for offers over 600k.

If most houses are around 200k then a house 3 times that could prove hard to shift - more so now.

If she were that confident of a sale and a huge profit she doesn’t need a deposit.

I would rent a small place for the time between the sale and the new house. I wouldn’t be asking my brother for that amount of money if I was in that kind of position. More so if my brother had taken a pay cut and might be on a shoogly peg.

Something honks.

AriadnesFilament · 26/05/2020 16:37

Accidentally or ‘accidentally’?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/05/2020 17:03

Well, she wouldn't be the only sibling getting divorced if i were you.

Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 17:03

@gamerchick definitely. I know there’s no laws that say you have to update, but why post a thread where you’re asking for advice and then ignore everyone

Billben · 26/05/2020 17:05

I’d be livid if my DH took any amount of money out of our savings to lend somebody without telling me about it.

Coughsyrupsucks · 26/05/2020 17:16

My best friend just got divorced, the house went for about £600k but they had a 300k mortgage left. This might be why OP’s SIL is only looking at 150k houses. There might not be any equity to pay back the loan, hence the reason she’s freaking out.

Di11y · 26/05/2020 17:17

I don't understand what she needs the loan for? is she moving before the house is sold?

Panicbuying · 26/05/2020 17:18

@Coughsyrupsucks the op’s first post says that the house being sold is virtually mortgage free

Panicbuying · 26/05/2020 17:21

@Di11y it may be for the deposit which will need to be put down at exchange even though she won’t get the sale funds until completion- often a deposit is passed up from a ftb at the bottom of the chain so no one else needs to put cash in but that’s only with the agreement of the rest of the chain

LolaSmiles · 26/05/2020 17:29

It's quite concerning how many posters think it's acceptable for a husband to play fast and loose with family money without talking to his wife. Talk about setting the bar low.

OP has every right to be furious. For money to be a deposit on a house it has to be signed across as gifted, not a loan. Once that is done then there's no legal way back to get the money.

Panicbuying · 26/05/2020 17:37

No Lola it doesn’t have to be a gift- if (as seems entirely feasible in this case) the SIL is buying without a mortgage it’s totally irrelevant whether the 15k is a gift or a loan. Even if she needs a mortgage she may still be able to take it as a loan if the affordability calculations still stack up

Eckhart · 26/05/2020 17:37

It's quite concerning how many posters think it's acceptable for a husband to play fast and loose with family money without talking to his wife

It is. There's a lot of justifying him, and working out that she'll give it back and it'll all be ok. Missing the point much?

AlwaysCheddar · 26/05/2020 17:52

Presumably you’ll get the money back when the sale of the house goes through?

But o m f g.... I’d be livid.

saffy1234 · 26/05/2020 17:55

I'd be angry if it was 15 hundred that is disgusting

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 17:57

It definitely isn't acceptable, but I wouldn't handle by following some of the advice here!

Qwerty543 · 26/05/2020 18:03

Hmmm there are a LOT of threads lately that bring a lot of posts and usually about something outrageous and the OP has fucked off....

Erictheavocado · 26/05/2020 18:06

@Panicbuying.

Thank you. This wasn't a thing when do and I bought our home , so my experience of this is based on what DCs have told us about their house purchases and obviously they have needed a mortgage in order to buy.

The fact that she is selling at around 600k is a red herring - we don't know how much morgagewwas still left on the property, or what the split is between her and her ex. Last time we bought, it was possible to use equity from the sale of one property as the deposit for the next - I can't remember what we had to sign, but I do know we didn't have a few thouepounds hanging around when we bought this house. Is it still possible to do that? Because if it is, the fact that she needed to borrow cash from her brother suggests to me that she's not going to come out of the sale with a huge sum of money after expenses etc have been sorted.

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