To not let an abusive man have control over my child

[dublingirl653]

So we are due at court very soon

I moved to London for him
We got pregnant and literally from day 7 of pregnancy the abuse started
Got so bad
Left many times

Now he wants access - 50/50
After the most horrendous abouse against the kids and I

Aibu to say no right away
Or negotiate??

I believe you. However it can be so hard to deliver the facts in court in a way that a Judge can best make use of them. Do you have a solicitor or barrister to speak for you?

The only answer he needs is "see you in court". It works for every threat, demand and request for contact.
You are doing the right thing by protecting them. Do you have any evidence of the abuse, how old are your DC?
Stay strong

Thank you
4 and 2

They were
Attacked

We went through so much

Now he is telling police I abducted them
I didn't I fled as he said it was time for us to die he Had enough etc

Police man told me straight up
Many women lie

I said please don't say this to me
Many flee in fear

He said be ready to be doubted

Horrible horrible
I read a book that said be nice to him
Be quiet and passive In court

When I just want to tell the world all he did and how he is fooling so MANY

Did you ever report this to the police ? (The abuse)

Has he got a criminal record?

Many men will threaten you with court, some just don’t bother though!

FWIW I believe you Op. men like him are very manipulative & sneaky. Always seem
To land on their feet

Police involved

There are around 100 v shocking incidents

He is going for family court now and my gut warns me to prepare for the worse and that many will assume I'm lying

I want to be clear that I do not agree to contact

My friends say no- be more willing. To be open
😡😡😡😡

Are you using the evidence in court to try to deny him access? I hope you are. On those grounds I would say maximum you’d settle for is supervised contact

You will need cast iron evidence.
Proof of police involvement, reports to social services, GP, legal advice.
It isn't fair, but it is the way it is.
I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation.
Do you have any support from nursery/HV?
Can you speak to Women's Aid?

Your friends are wrong.

Do you have the means to engage a solicitor or barrister? I would strongly recommend this.

If you cannot, you must remain calm. You need to channel "Reasonable and Calm". They will try to paint you as the crazy lady, a danger to the children. It won't be true, but they will throw allegations at you and hope something sticks.

Reasonable and calm. State your case in a linear format, with bullet pointed notes to read from, brief and concise. The PSU will be able to assist you with statements and may be able to help arrange a Mackenzie friend to sit with you in court.

Remember, reasonable and calm. Always, in every communication. Dont let him bait you. You know the truth. You can do this.

💐💐💐

Part of "reasonable" is that the court will expect contact. But you can ask that this be supervised e.g. in a contact centre.

Re legal help

I have 5k which I pray will take me to fhdr onwards

I pray

But then I hear that supervised can turn into overnights eventually

I will never agree to this ever

I am in the wrong for being so clear that this can not happen

@dublingirl653....Unfortunately you don't get to make that decision unilaterally. With him going to.family court unless you have documented evidence GP,Police,Social.Services incredibly severe abuse of the children ( not you) then he will be granted access. It could be supervised for a while or it could be automatic unsupervised but he will have access

the courts will look only at what is in the best interests of the children. so if he has ever hurt them then get the proof of that ready. if he has not hurt them then i suspect it will be thought to be in the best interests of the children for them to see their father, in which case thinking about the best way for this to happen is wise.

He hurt them badly

Physically

They saw him rape me etc

Lots of egs
Sorry if tmi

My friends say try to be reasonable
I want to scream so loud about safeguarding these innocents

The police evidence will be strong I expect op...
You need to stay strong.
You can do this op..

I have no experience of court, or advice. But you have to do what is best for your children and hope that that shines through. Do not let him mentally beat you.
Does he really want access, or control over you?

I'm guessing you need to find out what kind of proof the courts will accept and try to get it. They basically don't give a fuck what he did to you and they won't take you at your word. You will have to pretend to want him in their lives because if you appear reluctant then you will be painted as a bad mother. So do not mention the fact that you never want overnight visits - just stress that you want the supervised visits so he CAN see his children.
I'm not sure if you can have the children interviewed by a psychologist and if that can be used as evidence. Or if you can ask the courts to do it. If so that would be perfect!

But as Picinred says 'reasonable and calm'. Engrave that on your mind. The family courts see a lot of spiteful people making shit up and you need to NOT be thought if as one. He will of course throw everything at you to goad you.

But do gear in mind they don't want to hear about what he did to you. It's all about the kids for them. For the cops to say that you must have seemed less credible than him so that's something to address. Be informed, outwardly co operative and do NOT show your emotions. Because then you become another nut job ex wife scoring points using the kids. Get the best legal advice you can and as much money from him in a divorce settlement as he will fuck you over on child support and sue and sue you leaving you penniless and at that point he will go for custody and you won't have the money to defend that.

50/50 is such a red flag imho. All abusers go for 50/50. Revolting.

A quick google and the second article down www.lawgazette.co.uk/commentary-and-opinion/family-courts-need-help-on-domestic-abuse/5102175.article
Says that in more than half the family court cases there are allegations of abuse. So a lot of people are lying! It's an interesting article and gives a snapshot into this process - try to deny contact completely and it will backfire. Good luck x

If he has a criminal record/good evidence against him from many 999 calls etc or there’s social work involvement then this will help you.

If there are financial choices to be made, absolutely pritotise having a solicitor and barrister for the FINAL hearing. You can self represent in the first hearings, but do have someone like a McKenzie friend to assist. You want to ensure that unsupervised access isn't granted at initial hearings, which a good barrister can help with, but that final hearing must be prioritised as it will determine the final child arrangements order.

You absolutely must come across as reasonable at all times. You mustn't lose your cool, though it will be so hard. No matter what he says, remain cool. Judges look more favourably on women who are calm and reasonable. This will include "acknowledging that the court may grant access but urging with the greatest of respect to the court that this be supervised at a contact centre for the safety of the children". Then the court may or may not grant access, but there is more chance it will be supervised. Sadly, if you charge into court telling them how bad the ex is and what the court must do, that will work against you.

Your friends are correct in the legal sense - for women, being seen to be "reasonable" is everything in family court. Men get away with so much more. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

I believe you too.

Get all of your evidence together - police reports, medical records, any social services reports etc.

Sort it by date and write a timeline so it’s clear in your head.

Was the DV proven? If so you may be able to access legal aid.

I’m so sorry our Legal system hasn’t protected you.

But do gear in mind they don't want to hear about what he did to you

This. It all needs to be child focused. What did the children see. What was done to them. How has this impacted them. What is their best interests. Keep everything totally child focused to keep the court from suspecting wrongly (and imo misogynistically) that this is just another bitter ex wife. The children's best interests. Repeat like a mantra. Children's best interests.