To not let an abusive man have control over my child

[dublingirl653]

So we are due at court very soon

I moved to London for him
We got pregnant and literally from day 7 of pregnancy the abuse started
Got so bad
Left many times

Now he wants access - 50/50
After the most horrendous abouse against the kids and I

Aibu to say no right away
Or negotiate??

Yes yes
So very true

I was reasonable in trying to facilitate contact !!

He paid for and started the perpetrator programme

Week 4 he got into a fight and was kicked off !!!
Like wtf!!!

I have made so many mistakes in listening to him, helping him, allowing multiple chances

Frazzledasarock
Is that judge G
By any chance?

6 letters in her name?

My friend went to a case and she was very fair !!

The court will look at the best interest of your children. The starting point will be that the children have a right to a relationship with both parents, provided it is safe to do so . Under the circumstances you describe, it is likely that Cafcass will be involved. Tell them EVERYTHING. Do it as calmly as you can. Gather your evidence of abuse that the children have either been involved in or have witnessed. Listen carefully to the magistrates. If he is claiming parental alienation, he will have to show how this manifests itself. It is ok to prevent contact if, as the resident parent, you believe the children would be at risk of harm. That’s good parenting, not alienation. Good luck.

Thank you

Yes I blocked access as we were not safe

This was after 6 months of facilitating access which culminated in a severe attack against myself and my family

This to me is not PA

He claims yes it is

He also claims I am mad
He pays no child maintenance but says I should not work and be at home with the kids as it is cruelty leaving them at the childminders
Like madnesss!!!

But I am the mad one here 😢😢😢

No the judges name began with a P. She was really good, she gave ex every chance and he spent it insulting me and putting me down. Was pretty astounding!

Get written evidence that your ex failed the perpetrator programme. In my case one of the supervisors in charge of the perpetrator programme came and gave evidence (ex wanted to cross examine her🙄), dug his own grave there.

Ah my gosh so sorry !!

We go through so much with these men

Really hard

I feel like I have lost years of my life

Awful :(

Gosh my heart goes out to all of you who have suffered through this. How disgusting some men are.

However the more you tell me the more unhinged he sounds (and the better your chances!) so on top of the advice given here get proof of him being kicked off the program, the non contact order, (otherwise they might say you're not really scared of him), the attack on your family, proof you tried to facilitate contact and proof of that attack. Be a beacon of calm in that court and in any meetings you have. A good barrister, a proper divorce settlement financially and you're good to go. I'll eat my hat if he can hold it together in court and will be amazed if he gets anything more than supervised contact. What a thug!!!

And please get the order so he also has plenty of opportunity to breach it thus breaking the law, proving how out of control he is because that will play very badly in court too!

And I highly recommend Krav Maga as a self defence tool - it's a martial art and a (lovely) tough as nails army guy I know rates it highly. It's great for women and it's really effective and even if you feel just a bit more able to defend yourself it I'm sure you'll get a bit of confidence back. You've been through hell so are going to need some help.

But kudos to you - you got out, stayed out and I think you'll get through this. That's a big deal as not everyone has that strength. Give yourself a big pat on the back, you deserve it. All of you survivors

A relative of mine reported domestic abuse to the police and she was never doubted and never told that they wouldn't believe her. It went to the CPS, but they didn't take him to court in the end. It was taken seriously though despite the fact that the vast majority of it wasn't violent as such. It was mostly controlling and financial abuse.

Thanks so so much
Lots of wonderful advice you guys

As always !!!

For those who were granted no contact was it a long arduous process !???

My relatives ex is probably going to get unsupervised contact at the next hearing. He has had supervised for over a year now and it's 2 years since they left. Not looking forward to the next stage, but the potential court case meant the family courts took a very cautious approach and the children are 2 years older and better able to verbalise any issues. It's bought us time, if nothing else.

Your case sounds like the family court will take it even more seriously. Fingers crossed.

Ah ok

Mine has attempted murder
Rape
Sexual abuse financial abuse

So many incidents
Last count 125 :(

The court will look at the best interest of your children. The starting point will be that the children have a right to a relationship with both parents, provided it is safe to do so

And this is why the courts in most countries fail women and children. Parental alienation is a tiny part of cases, proven when studied. Yet trotted out by abusive men and a misogynistic system.

The courts do not look at what is in the best interests of the children as protecting their mother is in their best interests. The fact the courts take no violence against the mother into consideration and only look at violence against the children is wrong. Any one with half a brain knows that if the child has witnessed violence, control and aggression, then it has affected them and will continue to affect them.

Anyway op, follow the advice on their thread and stay calm, etc, Get a direct access barrister. Contact the Ncdv and study their website. Read through the cases online and the solicitor information online.

Op good luck.

Fab guys

Thank you

So first hearing to be brief

Then instruct barrister following this

Let's hope 5k enough 😢😢😢😢

Brief as far as I know with the next hearing to take place 12 weeks later I think??!

The courts do not look at what is in the best interests of the children as protecting their mother is in their best interests. The fact the courts take no violence against the mother into consideration and only look at violence against the children is wrong. Any one with half a brain knows that if the child has witnessed violence, control and aggression, then it has affected them and will continue to affect them.

Not true. The court does take violence against the mother into account, as the resident parent. Any time a child has knowledge of any form of domestic abuse against their parent, causes them some detrimental affect. This is exactly what the court will need to look at.

So interesting you say this

Only recently I read this somewhere
These kids have been assaulted by him
Seen their mother be assaulted
Had to flee
And now have to deal with a traumatised mother

This is what I hope is taken into account
The full impact on the kids

I'm preping myself for the worse and sadly I believe the bad bad person will get supervised access
It is an awful system
All of that while I will be around 5k out of pocket
I say 5k as that is all I have to spend

How will they view the c--- not paying any child maintenance??
Like nothing !! In two years

Has he been jailed for attempted murder & rape?
Awful situation.

I was also going to ask whether he was tried and convicted of rape? And the assault against children?
It sounds like he should be in prison.

Police investigation on going

Police don't believe there is enough evidence 😢😢😢

I was told social services would come after me for not factolitating contact do like an idiot I tried a few times !! Disaster !!
Not only did the kids see him hit me
He went to attack my family

All the people I know who have been through the process, were told by cafcass that the violence against them was not a contributory factor that they would look at when assessing access. They were asked was he violent to the children. Do you have proof? We're the police involved? Over and over again in every case.

The children were asked many questions and even when disclosing what they had seen, if it was not directed at them, then it was not taken onto account.

So to say the courts take violence against the mother into consideration is not reality that I have come across. They may do in certain cases if you are lucky enough to get a decent judge willing to look at the wider issues, but on the whole, I don't believe they do.

Interesting

And good to know this well in advance

What I have come to learn is that the innocent suffer

Those who have no morals and lie in court win

It happens time and time agAin

I would be researching solicitors carefully, you needs ones experienced and successful in preventing abusive men getting contact.

I would be asking for a full psychiatric assessment of him and I would also be very up front that as he has deliberately physically hurt the DC (which you can evidence) that you think they are at risk of being killed by him in order to get at you - I'm writing that because that would be my fear having tread your account.

Do you think he would be capable of that?

This is why I think you need to research your solicitor carefully and be up front at how dangerous you believe him to be...

I 100 per cent believe he could

I hid all the abuse because he told me

You tell anyone I will leave the kids deformed
You ring police and your family die

This piece of shit is more than capable
And if he did it - he probably would calmly say how he had no choice that I made him
Blah blah blah

I will carefully research legal support
Can aim to take out loans too
Not ideal but life is not fair - so I continue to learn

Horrible piece of cr--