To not let an abusive man have control over my child

[dublingirl653]

So we are due at court very soon

I moved to London for him
We got pregnant and literally from day 7 of pregnancy the abuse started
Got so bad
Left many times

Now he wants access - 50/50
After the most horrendous abouse against the kids and I

Aibu to say no right away
Or negotiate??

Can find out the dates of this threats, anything in writing? Could you also report those to the police?

I think that the ones that win are the ones with lots of self control. My fucking dog has more self control than your ex. Getting kicked out of a perpetrator program? Nut job. Unlikely he will get too far in court - he won't be able to help himself from acting like a lunatic.

He is dangerous though. Get proof and witnesses and press charges, it's not just you that saw it, it's your family. Check his background with cops (Claire's law). Tell cops that you are scared and give them more information and get that restraining order, for you and your whole family. Talk to the cops though please as they will know to some extent what you can do to protect yourself and your family. Personally I'd be trying to get hold of a lethal but legal weapon but that's just me.

Anyway until you get all of the advice from various contacts you won't know and I think you think it's worse than it is. Keep calm and follow the advice they give you. Get cctv. Record calls (inadmissible but if you play it to the cops they will change their tune).

You keep mentioning £5k - it might be good to get in touch with a barrister and see if that's realistic. I think it is.

Past history

Gbh ex g f

And a different ex g tried to strangle her

He got a caution
She took non mol order 😢😢😢😢

And thank you all this has helped

Sorry I keep mentioning 5k I'm just trying to see if that is in any way realistic ??

What a mess

Holy shit this just gets better. GO BACK TO THE POLICE.

I think £5k is realistic because the other poster said you only have the barrister for the hearing. So they need to read the file and be there and even if they are £500 an hour it's going some to get to £5k.

I got a lot of excellent advice, several meetings, emails back and forth and long phone calls and a shareholder meeting with an expensive solicitor for less. The key is to give them as little to do as possible ie prep. Write down your bullet points in a timeline with dates, that refers to supporting docs/proof etc. Put all emails in a single folder clearly named with the date (or if paper, in chronological order). Don't talk about how you feel that's what friends are for. Give them every fact even if you're not sure it's relevant - if it is they will delve into the supporting docs if not it's only a bullet point.

He's very dangerous so you should be able to use the system to support you. Be organised and present all facts clearly, in order of date. He's a very real threat to his children. With the threats he's made the police may well help you get evidence - they trawl social media etc. He's made death threats (serious) has a serious criminal history and has threatened your children with bodily harm. Only a total fucking idiot would not think he poses a threat. Plus your parents can back you up.

He's fucking delusional if he thinks he can convince a court you're lying. But as a total psychopath he's incredibly arrogant so of course he thinks that.

Absolutely!!

But I am scared he will win

He is a tall good looking charmer

Highly intelligent

Will know exactly who to win over

Also the fact that I need to seem to be open to contact
This part is killing me and I know I need to get over this

He has done so so much

Should be in jail

I really wish police would hurry up with their investigation also 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Completely

Mad man

Who would try to explain why they had to hit someone and take a knife to their throat

Like poor me I had no choice

Your ex abused and raped you and physically hurt the children - yet your friends tell you to be reasonable?
You have seriously toxic friends - dump them, no support would be better than this negativity and support for your ex.

Yes

Their point is that the court will want this
Reasonable approach

It will kill me
But seems necessary

OP, what support have you had off social services? As this is a DV issue,the police are always obliged to hold a strategy meeting where children have been the victims of, or witnessed DV, and SS are always involved.
How many times has he been arrested for DV? Has he ever been charged for it against you? All this will go in your favour. Also, have your children spoken to SS for the courts yet?

Hello

I think they may. Be too young for SS to interview them

He has been arrested twice for assaults

Not to mention the previous ex g assaults

My DC were interviewed by CAFCASS, they weren't interviewed in the traditional sense it was done through play. I wasn't present but the CAFCASS officer then spoke to me separately and was very concerned with what my children had communicated to him.

The CAFCASS officer was also called to court to give evidence.

Ah I see!!

Sorry to hear this

Womans aid just called they can help me also

What a scary scary time

I beg anyone who sees red flags to run a mile

I stayed to try and save him
This almost cost our lives 😢😢😢😢😢

Interesting !!

My health visitor went through my record and showed me that she made comments that my youngest was highly distressed after the last time I tried to facilitate contact

So glad this is on file
We saw the HV few days after he attacked us

Got plenty evidence against this man
Just so so scared

Thanks again guys xxxxx

HVs can be very helpful around child protection issues. Their opinions and the records they keep will be taken seriously.

Great !!!!

My heath visitor was so thorough throughout

feeling very grateful to her now !!

And all the kind people on here who helped me hugely xxxxx

Sorry it sounds like you don’t have any evidence via police call outs/social work referrals/GP visits documenting the abuse to your children so you won’t be believed in courts. He will get access to him and you will be treated like you’re lying. Takes a lot more than you saying “he did this, that and the next thing, he’s scum, he’s not allowed near my children” for the court to take you seriously. Unless you have physical evidence from professionals then you’ve no choice on whether or not he gets to see his children.

I have

Police reports

S s reports

H v reports

Advising you to appear reasonable is not advising you to be nice. It is hugely important that you stay factual, dates, times, events, not thoughts and feelings. Stick to what is concrete and proven, not what he thinks about you or you think about him. The more you can stay factual the more his case based on you being 'crazy' will unravel. Make sure the health professional and police reports are in your statement. I was asked in court if I thought my son (then age 2) loved his dad. I replied that I knew he loved his dad and his dad loved him. Also, try not to feel like you are losing, solicitors for him and judges have to question your evidence, it doesn't mean they believe him more than you.its important to make sure you have legal advice on how to set your statement out. In the court rooms, it's people going between you both trying to get you to meet each other half way, try not to take a stance that is impossible to negotiate.it all has to be in the best interests of the child . He doesn't have to be a good dad, just a good enough dad, the court have to weigh up the risks he poses when making decisions, it's likely some form of contact would be ordered, where he would have to undertake certain actions and requirements.

dublingirl66 - women's aid can refer you to a solicitor who will assess you for legal aid as you have had DV. Ask them to do that so you are represented in court if they haven't already told you this is possible.
Tell the solicitor that your GP files, HV files, police documented the abuse and should be requested by the judge...in a fact finding hearing the judge most likely will ask CAFCASS to get involved and this is the first things they will request.

Thank you all !!

So so helpful
WA calling tomorrow
I should have asked them to help earlier as they have been so good

Such a scary time

I do not want him near these innocents unsupervised

Ideally we never see the bad man again but let's be realistic

Stay strong. Don’t give up, you’re getting there. You’re a fantastic woman and mother who deserves to live a happy and full life. He’s an absolute monster. He deserves to be in jail.

Keep paperwork. Keep sharing your story and evidence with everyone and anyone. GP / HV /SS. Speak to a barrister as soon as you can. Ask Women’s Aid if they can recommend one with experience in this field and a successful conviction rate. Can you ask your GP to refer you and your children to counselling? Perhaps Play Therapy for the children? Their professional reports could help secure his conviction.

If at any point you feel that your lives are in danger and he’s onto you, call 999 straight away. Or jump in a cab straight to the police station xx

Thank you angels

Very much appreciated

We will get there
Along a rocky road

Thanks all for the support on here

Will keep you guys updated