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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter spies on me

229 replies

ifeeluncomfortable · 24/05/2020 11:48

I have name changed for this...

I'm 25 and have an 8 year old step-daughter. Relationship has always been good and have another 7 year old stepdaughter and have a 2 year old myself. Recently we their dad has popped out with the children for a bike ride / walk, if I stay at home she wants to stay with me. Initially I thought she just didn't want to go but it happened more and more where she would go places if I wasn't going, me and her dad thought it was nice and she obviously wanted to stay with me and build the relationship even more.

A few time I have been getting changed in my room so will call out to the girls and tell them not to come in, 8 year old always comes in and says oh sorry I forgot which I did believe, until this morning when her dad took the other two to pick up some breakfast so I said "Right I'm getting dressed, I need to change my bra and pants so don't come in" she said "ok I'll shut the door" I noticed she didn't shut it properly but heard her footsteps walk away. I heard some creaks and I could see her eyes peering through the gap in the door!!!

I told her dad and he said she probably wants to see what a women looks like, which I do get but she has a mom who I'm sure is a bit more open with her body around them.

Maybe I'm looking too much into it but I just feel a bit weird about it now and I feel terrible, this sounds so crazy I promise I'm not a troll!! Mumsnet can confirm!!

AIBU??

OP posts:

Itwasntme1 · 25/05/2020 11:26

I think the point was family changing rooms are now very common in modern pools.

I have changed at the fool in front of my nieces and nephew. I assume if this lady has been in the child’s life since she was four she would have done the same.

bringincrazyback · 25/05/2020 11:39

Do you never change your clothes in front of other people?

Has it ever occurred to you that some of us might prefer to only be seen undressed by our partners (or by no one at all if we don't have partners)? Last time I checked it wasn't mandatory to parade about stark naked in front of family members. We are all different. Your insistence that anyone who doesn't conform to your personal view of what is/isn't normal is odd/prudish is arrogant to say the least.

Whenever there's a discussion on adult nudity in front of kids, I always wonder if the 'I wouldn't think twice about undressing in front of my kids' brigade are taking into consideration whether children actually want to see their (step)parents undressed. I would have absolutely hated it if my mum had routinely been naked in front of me when I was a child, and I was mortified on the rare occasions I did see her naked. I believe my stepdaughter when younger would have been similar mortified if she'd ever seen me naked. I do sometimes wonder whether the 'free and easy' types might unwittingly be causing their kids to cringe a bit. I'll probably get roasted for expressing this view, but so be it.

woodhill · 25/05/2020 11:58

I'm exactly the same bring.

Pogmella · 25/05/2020 12:07

DSS is a little younger and he’ll open the bathroom door while I’m showering to ask for a drink or whatever. I just calmly tell him it’s not polite to go into the bathroom with other people unless they invite you in (as he sheets with his dad).

My DD loves stripping naked and striking poses for everyone, we just laugh and tell her she won’t believe she did this when she’s older, I’m not going to sexualise the nudity of a 3yo

I think you’re making a huge issue out of it and it doesn’t need to be. Announcing you’re leaving the room is the best way to get a child to follow you!

bringincrazyback · 25/05/2020 12:19

I’m not going to sexualise the nudity of a 3yo

I don't believe anyone on here is saying anything about sexualising child nudity.

Original poster

ifeeluncomfortable · 25/05/2020 12:37

Sorry I did explain why I announce when I'm getting changed but it's probably been lost in the rest of the comments.

We live in a small flat and DSD has a habit of following me around, if I make breakfast she's in the kitchen door if I go to the toilet she's talking to me outside of the door so it is necessary to explain when I'm getting changed otherwise the kids are like my shadow.

If wanting to keep my privates, private, then yes I am prudish!

OP posts:

Lynda07 · 25/05/2020 12:44

Saying you are going to get changed is one thing, earlier you said you announced you were 'going to change bra and pants' which is quite specific.

I don't think you are prudish for wanting privacy but the way you phrase things is odd. Kids pick up on that.

woodhill · 25/05/2020 13:01

Seriously can't you tell her to go away nicely particularly when going to the loo. What does your dp think?

PhewMitchew · 25/05/2020 13:14

so I said "Right I'm getting dressed, I need to change my bra and pants so don't come in"

Honestly OP, this is so weird, and despite your reasons for it all you are doing is fanning curiosity in the SD as to what you look like naked. You're making too much of a big deal of it, "I'm taking off my bra and pants!" . Just why? does "I'm changing!" not suffice? the detail sounds so attention-seeking, no wonder why she peeps.

No matter how small your flat is, unless she hangs out with you whilst in the bath or on the toilet, go and change in there, lock the door and stop the ridiculous announcements.

ThisIsHappening · 25/05/2020 13:40

You're making too much of a big deal of it, "I'm taking off my bra and pants!" . Just why? does "I'm changing!" not suffice?

Clearly not considering it's not the first time DSD has overstepped OPs privacy boundaries. I'm guessing OP felt the need to mention the underwear as a way of reinforcing how important it was that she be given privacy.

I think you need to address this with your DSD. It doesn't need to be in a formal, sit down, 'we need to have a chat' kind of way though. Next time you're going to get changed or go to the bathroom and she follows you, just tell her you'd like some privacy and to stay in the living room as you won't be long.

ThisIsHappening · 25/05/2020 13:43

... and if she still follows you, ask her why. She needs to learn to respect people's privacy and boundaries but similarly, if she is curious you want to give her the opportunity to ask any questions she might have without feeling awkward about it.

KatherineJaneway · 25/05/2020 14:07

How do any of the "prudish" types manage to go swimming or to the gym? Do you never change your clothes in front of other people? How do you handle medical appointments?

First two = cubicles.

Medical is completely different. You show your genitals or breasts to a medical professional if you have an issue that needs investigating in one of those areas.

And actually for an adult woman to get all weird about females of any age seeing you get changed is strange and yes, prudish.

Of course it isn't, don't be so ridiculous.

HappyHammy · 25/05/2020 14:27

Is she quite shy and just trying a bit too hard to be your friend or is she feeling overshadowed by the other kids. .Standing in the kitchen door is fine but talking to you when you're in the loo and changing is maybe too much. I think you just need to ask her to stop in a kind way.

HappyHammy · 25/05/2020 14:33

Is the other sd her sister. Do they get on. Just wonder if there could be another reason she prefers to stay home with you.

Dieu · 25/05/2020 14:50

I agree with the OP. Why should she have to buy a wedge for the door?! Her stepdaughter is old enough to understand the concept of respecting someone's privacy.

Original poster

ifeeluncomfortable · 25/05/2020 15:58

Yes other SD is her full sister and my DD is their half sister. The staying home with me thing has only been recently and I did think it was because she seen me as a friend or a big sister weirdly enough because I am still young!!

Like I said before I don't have a lock on the bathroom (I will be buying one) as this is quite a new thing and usually we all respect each other's privacy, however I like to have a bath after I put DD to sleep and I always ask if they need a wee first as I'm going to have a bath or shower so they will need to wait, a few times half way through the bath/shower she is suddenly bursting for a wee so I have started showering when they go to sleep now. I think from majority of the replies it's more of an annoying age thing where she just needs personal boundaries to be reinforced.

OP posts:

PhewMitchew · 25/05/2020 16:17

@ThisIsHappening It's not about whether its the first time she's overstepped boundaries or not. It's about OP's way of handling it. Highlighting bra and pants is not going to make an 8yr old think, "oh! this needs a deeper level of privacy", it's backfiring on OP and all she's done is raised the dc's level of interest.

ThisIsHappening · 25/05/2020 16:29

@PhewMitchew you maybe right, OP maybe hasn't handled it in the best way but that's because she doesn't know what the best way is, hence her asking for advice on here as to how to deal with the situation.

DSD is 8 years old, not 4. To me, she's old enough to understand the need for privacy (both her own and that of others) and if she doesn't, then that's something that her parents should be addressing with her.

CalmdownJanet · 25/05/2020 17:26

I actually think this sounds like a right pain in the arse and no it's not normal. I have two dd's and beyond the age of 4 they were old enough to know you don't stand outside the door while someone is on the toilet, how annoying. I totally get not wanting to change in front of someone else's child too op. It's not about being prudish and it doesn't matter a jot if she is curious either, she has to learn it's not ok to encroach on peoples privacy. I'd definitely have a word, you are far more patient than me

EdwinaMay · 25/05/2020 19:09

If this had happened with my DD I'd have shouted oi, clear off, stop spying on me - or whatever, making a joke of it. It is a bit different with a SD.

PhewMitchew · 25/05/2020 19:57

@ThisIsHappening So if you go back to my first post the advice is there. Stop making announcements about what you're taking off , its creating unnecessary curiosity.
Go and change in the bathroom which I assume has a locked door.

You can also be innovative!!! change behind a towel (wrapped around you), there are ways of actually taking clothes off without standing starkers.
Lots of posters have given lots of good advice.

HeckyPeck · 25/05/2020 20:10

Why not just call to her "Hello, darling, come on in "

Fucking weird thing to say when naked to children who aren’t related to you.

Original poster

ifeeluncomfortable · 25/05/2020 20:40

Why not just call to her "Hello, darling, come on in "

Fucking weird thing to say when naked to children who aren’t related to you

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

ThisIsHappening · 25/05/2020 20:43

@PhewMitchew 👍🏼

caroloro · 26/05/2020 06:59

It is normal curiosity AND you should adfrss it with her (not confront, what a stupid word). Sweetie, I noticed you looking in through the door crack when I was getting dressed, please dont do that, it makes me feel uncomfortable and it isn't polite to invade people's privacy". No need to make any more fuss than that, it is t a big thing and is driven by age appropriate curiosity.

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