Step daughter spies on me

[ifeeluncomfortable]

I have name changed for this...

I'm 25 and have an 8 year old step-daughter. Relationship has always been good and have another 7 year old stepdaughter and have a 2 year old myself. Recently we their dad has popped out with the children for a bike ride / walk, if I stay at home she wants to stay with me. Initially I thought she just didn't want to go but it happened more and more where she would go places if I wasn't going, me and her dad thought it was nice and she obviously wanted to stay with me and build the relationship even more.

A few time I have been getting changed in my room so will call out to the girls and tell them not to come in, 8 year old always comes in and says oh sorry I forgot which I did believe, until this morning when her dad took the other two to pick up some breakfast so I said "Right I'm getting dressed, I need to change my bra and pants so don't come in" she said "ok I'll shut the door" I noticed she didn't shut it properly but heard her footsteps walk away. I heard some creaks and I could see her eyes peering through the gap in the door!!!

I told her dad and he said she probably wants to see what a women looks like, which I do get but she has a mom who I'm sure is a bit more open with her body around them.

Maybe I'm looking too much into it but I just feel a bit weird about it now and I feel terrible, this sounds so crazy I promise I'm not a troll!! Mumsnet can confirm!!

AIBU??

I don't think it's prudish to want to change in privacy. She's 8-- old enough to learn that adults don't want to be seen without clothes. I'm sure my mother never undressed in front of me when I was that old.

Also, I'm not sure what the OP's age has to do with it. A 25-year-old isn't necessarily any less "prudish" than a 45-year old, today. The cultural mores surrounding nudity haven't changed that drastically in the past forty or fifty years.

I'd buy a bolt for the door and use it. I grew up in a home with locks on every bedroom and bathroom door and never felt ill at ease because of them. I did feel a little less comfortable in my parents' room simply because I didn't spend much time in there and it was their private space, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to have those boundaries in place.

She's 8 so she knows knows this is wrong, that's why she plans ahead (making sure she stays home with you) & hides to peep at what you're doing. It's not just about you getting undressed, you could be doing anything. Get her Dad to have an appropriate chat to her about boundaries and not being nosey. This will stand her in good stead. You're not being unreasonable at all, even if she is a child you don't have to feel it's ok for her to creep around to watch you. Why should you? Aside from that just close your door & stick a wedge under it, that's easy enough.

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said prudish for a 25yo - OP is prudish for any age. As for it being different being seen changing by DCs that aren't your own DCs, if you choose to get into a serious relationship with someone who already has young children and to live with them and have their baby, you should be prepared to treat all the children as equals in the family home. And actually for an adult woman to get all weird about females of any age seeing you get changed is strange and yes, prudish.

It's not prudish. I don't like anyone seeing me get changed either. That's not prudish at all. What a wierd view.

Talk to her mum first ask if she's doing it at home. Then ask her how to approach the subject. I would say your concerned incase she walks in on her dad too but then this behaviour only seems to be when his not home. I would certainly put a lock on either the bedroom or bathroom door and use it when changing. Approach the mother first for how to handle it just incase the child tries to use it later. Best to be on the same page. She may ask to handle it herself, say its happening at home or just give guidance. Good luck

I think it sounds weird and I don't think it's wrong of you to ask this forum. I've personally never heard of a kid doing this so it's definitely one of those situations if not know what to do with as well.

Is something happening in her life to unbalance her? Is there a child psychologist you could ask maybe? Just get a professional 2nd opinion quickly - no need to make a drama of it.

And by the way - not getting naked in front of your STEP children is pretty good practice. Every second pornhub film now is step incest. I can't even imagine how her mother would feel if the OP was letting her daughter watch her get undressed so people stop acting like she's making a problem out of nothing. She's not.

And no guarsntee that the natural parents won't go into some kind of nasty defensive mode so discussing with them would have to be done ultra carefully,

And actually for an adult woman to get all weird about females of any age seeing you get changed is strange and yes, prudish.

That's just your opinion.

You knew the door was ajar so you should have closed it, especially when she has form for walking in on you.
And there is nothing prudish about wanting privacy when getting undressed.

I don't think it's prudish to want to change in privacy.

Me either.

I remember at about this age poking my aunties boob because I wanted to see if they were hard or wobbly!! She told me off (rightly!) but I think it’s natural to be curious at that age - it’s not necessarily a sexual thing just curiosity about the human body. My dd8 is sometimes in the room when I change and says things like “why do adults have a hairy front bum?” It’s normal - but I do understand why, as a stepmother you would find it uncomfortable. I wonder though if the fact you’ve made a big deal out of getting changed ie “I’m getting changed now - don’t come in” has made it seem like there’s something “secret” going on and turned it into a bigger deal than it is.

I would get her dad to have a word about how it’s rude to spy but also in future I would just lock/bar the door with something and just get changed - no song and dance needed.

KatherineJaneway Mon 25-May-20 06:22:13
I don't think it's prudish to want to change in privacy.

Me either.
.....
Nor me but a bit odd to announce, "I am now going to change my bra and pants".

Curiosity. Maybe take her swimming when she will see other women's bodies - once she knows she will lose interest.

She's 8 and I'd say it's completely normal. My 8 yr old has suddenly become really curious about bodies, where babies come from, difference between bits and girls etc. I've bought some age appropriate books and we read those together. Might not be appropriate for you as she's not a birth child but it's worth suggesting to your dh or mum (depending on your relationship with mum)

Oh bless her, she’s just young and curious. Not sure why you’ve made getting changed a such a big deal by announcing you’re getting into your ‘bra and panties’

Nor me but a bit odd to announce, "I am now going to change my bra and pants".

Agree

Definitely disagree with poster earlier about it being odd to be prudish.

To me getting changed, showering and going to the loo in private are things I wanted to do on my own and I think it is good that your dc get used to that. Just getting away for a few minutes is good to recharge

How do any of the "prudish" types manage to go swimming or to the gym? Do you never change your clothes in front of other people? How do you handle medical appointments? I'm not saying I'd run down the street naked or anything but making a big deal out of being briefly seen changing by someone of the same sex is an odd (and very British) thing to do.

Swimming or gymn - go in a changing room or use a towel over by lower half, turn my back

Medical is different

And actually for an adult woman to get all weird about females of any age seeing you get changed is strange and yes, prudish.

That’s properly wound me up. Unless you’re my partner, I don’t want anyone watching/seeing me get changed, regardless of whether you’re female or not. I HATE this “all girls so it doesn’t matter” or “once you’ve had a baby you don’t worry about things like that”. It’s bollocks and another way to undermine women’s bodily autonomy.

If it doesn’t bother YOU then great, but don’t think others are being absurd if they don’t feel the same.

I like privacy when i am changing. I am not prudish about sex or nudity, i am just private about my own body. I am not british either.

How do any of the "prudish" types manage to go swimming or to the gym? Do you never change your clothes in front of other people? How do you handle medical appointments? I'm not saying I'd run down the street naked or anything but making a big deal out of being briefly seen changing by someone of the same sex is an odd (and very British) thing to do.

I would go to the pool with swimming stuff underneath then use a cubicle.

I struggle hugely with medical appointments as I carry a lot of birth trauma and hospital gowns/being undressed in a medical setting is horrific. I will avoid as much as humanly possible. It’s not a ‘British’ thing it’s a trauma and mistreatment thing.

Congratulations on your empathy

She's 8, she's curious. Maybe she's getting to the age of starting to notice a few changes in her own body.

You say she's been in your life a long time, you could talk to her. I know it's awkward, and you are only young yourself. But pick a time it's just you two, do something nice together, and comment about how she's getting so grown up now, she's going to be a lady before you know it. Is there anything she'd like to know about growing up?

Yes, she shouldn't be peeping through doors at you, but she's curious, and that's totally normal.
If you don't like it, make sure you're the one to shut the door yourself. Or get a bolt put on it, or change in the bathroom where you can lock the door.

I'm not remotely prudish but in front of children I'm not related to? No. That could be construed so badly (if I was a man you'd not be happy!). I'll get changed in the gym (bit of a towel dance on my bottom half though), in front of good friends etc. But not in front of a child.

But it sounds like this is a normal 8 year old thing from comments here - which i think was all she was trying to find out.

The 'I'm getting changed now' comments were to see if she was imagining it not because that's what she would usually do.

So the upshot of it all is - yes that's pretty normal and prob best to just close doors properly/put a lock on the bedroom (good practice anyway 😉). Not even sure I'd mention it to dad apart from saying that you think it's best now the kids are getting to that age to make sure they don't walk in on something they shouldn't. Demonstrate exactly what you don't want them walking in on one day and he won't complain..

How do any of the "prudish" types manage to go swimming or to the gym? Do you never change your clothes in front of other people? How do you handle medical appointments? I'm not saying I'd run down the street naked or anything but making a big deal out of being briefly seen changing by someone of the same sex is an odd (and very British) thing to do.

Well we have amazing things called cubicles and and even more incredible invention of a towel. How bizarre to think that your way is the only way to do things. I am also not British so your little stereotype doesn't amount to much either.
You have have got no idea what do ever of people's history when you are calling them prudish. Privacy with your own body is not fucking prudishness.

Where are all these pools and gyms where ladies walk around naked if front of each other?