Step daughter spies on me

[ifeeluncomfortable]

I have name changed for this...

I'm 25 and have an 8 year old step-daughter. Relationship has always been good and have another 7 year old stepdaughter and have a 2 year old myself. Recently we their dad has popped out with the children for a bike ride / walk, if I stay at home she wants to stay with me. Initially I thought she just didn't want to go but it happened more and more where she would go places if I wasn't going, me and her dad thought it was nice and she obviously wanted to stay with me and build the relationship even more.

A few time I have been getting changed in my room so will call out to the girls and tell them not to come in, 8 year old always comes in and says oh sorry I forgot which I did believe, until this morning when her dad took the other two to pick up some breakfast so I said "Right I'm getting dressed, I need to change my bra and pants so don't come in" she said "ok I'll shut the door" I noticed she didn't shut it properly but heard her footsteps walk away. I heard some creaks and I could see her eyes peering through the gap in the door!!!

I told her dad and he said she probably wants to see what a women looks like, which I do get but she has a mom who I'm sure is a bit more open with her body around them.

Maybe I'm looking too much into it but I just feel a bit weird about it now and I feel terrible, this sounds so crazy I promise I'm not a troll!! Mumsnet can confirm!!

AIBU??

I have to announce I'm getting changed or else she follows me around to see what I'm doing (guessing that's an age thing) . I appreciate others don't have a problem with their children seeing them naked, but I'm different. For one she isn't my child so I definitely do not feel comfortable and I have never seen my mom naked.

I don't have locks on my bathroom as the kids used to lock themselves in and couldn't get back out. I will buy a lock for my bedroom door/

@ifeeluncomfortable I’ve had the same thing happen and know how you feel! At 7/8 children are able to follow instructions as simple as don’t come in while I change. I wouldn’t make a big deal of saying I don’t want you to see etc but I would speak to her about ignoring what you asked and make it clear it’s not acceptable, maybe link it to something she doesn’t like and how you respect that.
The thing with locks and bolts and stuff could lead to the kids feeling uncomfortable, my dads house had locks on loads of doors and I never felt as if I could relax because it seemed like it wasn’t somewhere I was welcome.

We have boundaries as far as step-parenting goes. I am young and really don't feel it's my place to tell them off or make them feel uncomfortable if it's completely normal.

Obviously I have never experienced this before

I will announce to my boys if I can hear them upstairs to not come as I am changing because the lock in my bedroom is difficult to shut sometimes. But it's mainly because they will burst in asking where their socks are, etc. And if they walk on me getting changed they get very embarrassed. That's is also the best way to clear them out of my room fast.

I don't know why you are announcing you are getting changed. That is going to encourage her, if anything. You've made it seem intriguing by being so weird about it.

You're going to instantly be dragged because you're the step mum. They're completely despised on MN for some unfathomable reason.

I'd say she was probably curious and it's highly possible her mum isn't open around them. I'd just ask her nicely why she was looking and if she has any questions. Maybe buy a gentle book about puberty? Just don't make her feel bad/feel that bodies are shameful or not to be seen.

Could you install a lock in the bathroom that's out of reach of dc. They will need privacy too especially when they get older. If you dont like her following you aroubd just make light of it and ask her why she does it.

@ArriettyJones You are being unnecessarily unpleasant. Who pissed on your strawberries this morning?

Can her dad just say leave ifeel alone stop following her about while she gets changed

Why are you telling them you’re getting dressed? Just do it.

Also if I were you I’d start making her dad take her out to give you some space

God I am so glad I'm not a stepmum after reading some of the horrible replies you are getting here OP! You are young and I just think your DSD probably sees you as a cool big sister and idolises you a little bit, hence her wanting to be around you all the time. I also think, like most kids her age she's very nosey, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if a previous poster is correct and she thinks you are off scoffing a hidden stash of chocolate (I know I used to do that when my kids were little ). Saying that she is 8, so it's really about time her and her sister were taught to knock before entering your room, so do that and if she still insists on walking in or peeping put a lock on your door.

It’s rude to @ someone shock.....well that’s a new one on me too.
I think lockdown has some spoiling for a fight.

Oh I dunno - the same posters have been spoiling for a fight long before lockdown

Jesus, what am I reading.

OP, close the door and sneak off to change. It's likely idle curiosity that'll be forgotten about. If it persists just have a little chat about how you like to do things like changing in private and that it's better not to barge in if someone wants to do something private.

Well done for taking your role as stepmum so seriously and being concerned about your DSD.

Also how is giving someone a @ quote rude? Standard stuff for a forum, I'd have thought.

Is it just me that doesn’t tell any of the kids to stay put the room because I’m getting changed? Does it matter?

I don’t think you’d be posting this if it was your own child.

If this is very, you sound weirdly prudish for a 25yo. Don't you ever take the kids swimming? How do you cope with that?

DSD is probably used to seeing her mum get changed without making
a massive deal out of it and is peeking in to see why you're being so secretive and what you're really up to.

Do you allow your 2yo to see you getting changed?

You're going to instantly be dragged because you're the step mum. They're completely despised on MN for some unfathomable reason.

Bingo. No matter what OP said, there's be caterwauling about how she's wrong.

The kid is just being a kid, kids are nosy. But she needs to learn about privacy and being respectful of boundaries. Buying a lock will solve the immediate problem but not let the kid know what the issue is, a little chat needs to be had.

Is it just me that doesn’t tell any of the kids to stay put the room because I’m getting changed? Does it matter?

Nope, but then if you're the step parent I guess it's different, if only because you have to take into account how the biological parent might feel about it.

YANBU unreasonable at all. Whether she understands or not, she NEEDS to understand that it is totally inappropriate for her to spy on others getting changed and for others go do the same to her. I'd sit her down with her dad and have a conversation about privacy and your underwear areas. And I'd get a lock or a door wedge, tell her you're doing it and why you're doing it.

She just needs a talk on privacy & people's different boundaries. Maybe her Mum let's her be there when she's changing but you're not her Mum etc. It's not something they just pick up IME teaching. A house rule like knocking if a bedroom or bathroom door is shut is a good idea. Or a bolt placed above child height.

What is wrong with being "prudish" anyway. I didn't like my dc see me getting changed or undressed etc.

If this is very, you sound weirdly prudish for a 25yo. Don't you ever take the kids swimming? How do you cope with that?
DSD is probably used to seeing her mum get changed without making a massive deal out of it and is peeking in to see why you're being so secretive and what you're really up to.
Do you allow your 2yo to see you getting changed?

FFS. Letting children see one getting changed is not mandatory and people who would rather do it are not 'weirdly prudish'. It's a personal choice which people aren't obligated to relinquish just because they become a parent or stepparent.
Also some things are just different with stepkids than with one's own kids. They just are.

God, I live in a household with two teenage boys and my dh and I am a grandparent carer. Believe me, if the boys caught me getting undressed they would be mortified - much worse for them than me! But she is only 8 isn't she.

She does need to respect boundaries of privacy. I always tap on the boys' doors before going in their rooms and the eldest has told me I am the only family member who does this and he does appreciate it.

Her dad needs to tell her about boundaries not you. He needs to deal with it and not make excuses about curiosity. That said, she is not what I would call spying on you but if you feel that way, it clearly needs sorting. She needs to go out with her dad as well.