Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s playing on my mind.

105 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:04

I really don’t know where to start.....

But I’m going to try!

So this morning , DS (18) and I were in the car, on the way to do our weekly shop. He was sat beside me whilst he spoke to an “unknown person” on the phone, the conversation was friendly at first... the usual “How you doing?” etc

Then it escalated into...

“Yes I’m still single baby... I haven’t found anyone I’m really compatible with, on all levels”

Now beating in mind, he has been with his girlfriend for almost 8 months now. She is a lovely young lady, and I have a very good relationship with her, she texts me every day to see if I'm ok etc.

Me and his father broke up several years ago, due to him being unfaithful. I am very worried that my son is going to take after him, the conversation he had on the phone this morning has been playing on my mind all day, up to the point where I couldn't eat. It makes me think whether or not he is being unfaithful to his girlfriend, I really don't want her to go through what I went through with his dad.

AIBU to want to confront my son about this? or do I mind my own business?

If I am not being unreasonable how do I approach the situation?

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 22/05/2020 23:14

I would have just asked him at the time, he wasnt trying to hide / keep private his conversation from you. But whatever his response is please dont get too involved, he wont thank you for it, if he is cheating on his girlfriend then thats a situation he has to deal with.

LouiseTrees · 22/05/2020 23:16

Don’t confront him but like do it in an innocent ignorant way.. like “ random question did you and insert girlfriends name break up”? He goes “no, how come“ and you go “ oh I just though cause you said you were single on the phone that was a new girlfriend, what’s the deal there then?” Like all super calm tone, try not sounding judgmental. Get the full story, then judge whether to tell him any home truths.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:17

Thanks for the reply, it was almost as if he believed that he was somewhere alone talking in private.

And yes, I know I shouldn't get involved but I don't want him to turn into a man that thinks its ok to be unfaithful.

🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:19

He definitely hasn't broke up with her, he was on FaceTime with her this afternoon...

I know it isn't my business, but I really can’t cope with this.

OP posts:
AJGranny · 22/05/2020 23:19

I'm not clear on why you didn't ask at the time. YNBU to talk to him, you're a woman and you expect him to respect women.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:22

@AJGranny, I know I should have asked there and then, but he didn’t end the call until we were half way into food shopping.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 22/05/2020 23:40

Ask him if he was doing some kinky role play or something in front of you over the phone? He’ll be like what the hell and then back to the same suggestion “ oh sorry just thought you’d split up with x given that phonecall about being single but then you don’t seem to have”. If he’s like “it’s none of your business” just be like “precisely, that’s why I asked, I don’t need to know about what you are doing, especially if it’s cheating ... I know how awful that feels on the other end and o don’t want to be reminded, do what you want but don’t bring me in to it”.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:43

@LouiseTrees, That’s a great idea, I'll definitely try it first thing tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/05/2020 23:52

I would mentioned that you heard his conversations and that his girlfriend deserves honesty from him but that’s it’s

he is 18 playing around at that age when you have only recently discovered sex and your powers of charm isn’t going to necessarily make him into a man that disrespects women

He maybe bored if his girlfriend and looking to move on

And don’t put your experience of your relationship on to him. It’s not going to make him think oh I better not do this and that between you and your ex

RedHelenB · 23/05/2020 00:22

He's 18. His gf sounds a bit intense contacting you every day. If he was committed living together or married then it would be different.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 08:23

I tried speaking to him this morning, only to be met with “What... When? What conversation?” 😔😡

@RedHelenB, I honestly don’t mind, bless her!

So where do I go from now guys? he is also getting ready to go out, and to be honest I don’t want him going out (exercise is fine) but it’s almost as if sometimes he forgets we are in the middle of a pandemic.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/05/2020 08:36

He doesn't forget.

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 08:50

You should've spoken to him at the time. If I heard my DS say that on the phone I would've said to him breezily afterwards, "Oi, you are not single mate, make sure you let xx down gently before moving on..don't be disrespectful" blah blah blah.

I know it isn't my business, but I really can’t cope with this.

He's 18, you seem a bit over involved in his love life, let him get on with it. The gf texting you everyday is a bit weird too.

NotBeingFunnyOrAnything · 23/05/2020 08:55

Woah - you're his mum, you raised this boy and I assume he's living in your house?

If you think he's being duplicitous with a girl, especially one who you have a relationship with you are well within your rights to give him your opinion.

At the very least you are 'allowed' to tell him that you won't be part of any deceit. It is shitty being unfaithful and somebody needs to call him on it. Jeez if you can't get honesty from your mum, where can you?

Marnie76 · 23/05/2020 08:55

I think I would try talking to him again. Say, ok I don’t know if I misheard you or not. But if I didn’t, if you want to be with other people then please finish with your girlfriend, it’s not fair on her. It’s ok to feel the relationships over, it’s not ok to cheat. Please don’t do to her what your father did to me.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2020 09:04

I have to say you seem a bit... wet...

I tried speaking to him this morning, only to be met with “What... When? What conversation?”

The only response to that (IMO) is “don’t try that crap with me - I heard you, I remember it clearly so cut the shit and talk. I’m not having that behaviour in my house so WHAT IS GOING ON?”

I’d make it clear that I’m not colluding with him or lying for him and that he doesn’t get to be unfaithful with your knowledge.

If he’s stupid enough not to hide it then he can deal with the consequences.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2020 09:05

Weird that people are saying if he is cheating it's fine because the girlfriend is intense 🤦‍♀️ I would just be upfront with him OP, it's hardly an intrusion given he chose to have the conversation right in front of you.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2020 09:08

You sound nervous of your own son.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/05/2020 09:08

Definitely have another conversation, he is the one that should be feeling awkward not you. Just make it clear that it was obvious he was talking to another girl and if he is thinking of or has been unfaithful then he needs to decide if he actually wants to be with his gf. Being young is not an excuse for being unfaithful. Be blunt with him he might open up them.

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 10:05

Weird that people are saying if he is cheating it's fine because the girlfriend is intense

Sorry @aSofaNearYou I can't see where anyone has said that?

RedHelenB · 23/05/2020 10:12

I think cheating is a thing once you commit to someone They're not married, not living together. Not that big a deal at their age.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 10:16

Sorry for the late reply.

@LockedInMadness I wouldn’t say that I am involved in his love life, I think that’s a little farfetched 😳. What I heard yesterday is something that I just can’t forget, and like I said before, I do not have an issue with her texting me... or should I?

@NotBeingFunnyOrAnything, Yes I have raised him and to be honest with you all, I’m actually embarrassed because I did NOT raise him like this, I have seen a lot of changes in him over the past year and I don’t like them.

@aSofaNearYou I hope he is not cheating.

@AnyFucker I am nervous, I just don’t know why though.

@pumpkinpie01 I will have another chat with him, because it’s still on my mind.

OP posts:
Taddda · 23/05/2020 10:18

If I heard my DS say that on the phone I would've said to him breezily afterwards, "Oi, youare not single mate, make sure you let xx down gently before moving on..don't be disrespectful" blah blah blah.

I'd have probably said this too- infact I'd still say it- if your speaking to his Gf everyday it put you in the position of 'why didn't you tell me!?' when he's caught and having to lie to the girl.

He's also 18, so try not to worry about him being like his Dad in that respect, you sound a bit concerned about that?

converseandjeans · 23/05/2020 10:23

I would have just asked him at the time? Honestly he's 18 and it's unlikely he will still be with the same girl forever. Whilst it's not nice if he is cheating I don't think you should get too attached to his girlfriend as it's likely they won't be together this time next year. I know some people stay together but most don't.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 23/05/2020 10:30

I was an arsehole at 18 and cheated on my then-boyfriend. My mum overheard me on the phone and had absolutely no problem with pulling me up about it. “I hope you’re not carrying on behind his back because that’s an awful thing to do. You make sure you end it first” sort of thing.

For what it’s worth I grew out of the whole cheating thing. Wouldn’t consider it now.