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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s playing on my mind.

105 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:04

I really don’t know where to start.....

But I’m going to try!

So this morning , DS (18) and I were in the car, on the way to do our weekly shop. He was sat beside me whilst he spoke to an “unknown person” on the phone, the conversation was friendly at first... the usual “How you doing?” etc

Then it escalated into...

“Yes I’m still single baby... I haven’t found anyone I’m really compatible with, on all levels”

Now beating in mind, he has been with his girlfriend for almost 8 months now. She is a lovely young lady, and I have a very good relationship with her, she texts me every day to see if I'm ok etc.

Me and his father broke up several years ago, due to him being unfaithful. I am very worried that my son is going to take after him, the conversation he had on the phone this morning has been playing on my mind all day, up to the point where I couldn't eat. It makes me think whether or not he is being unfaithful to his girlfriend, I really don't want her to go through what I went through with his dad.

AIBU to want to confront my son about this? or do I mind my own business?

If I am not being unreasonable how do I approach the situation?

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 23/05/2020 11:46

He went on to say that X a bit too clingy and I don't know everything that goes on within there relationship, ”it feels like she wants me all to herself and doesn't want me to have any friends, there are times that I've been out and I've had to FaceTime her to prove my whereabouts”

Then at 18, he needs to run as fast as he can!

imsooverthisdrama · 23/05/2020 11:49

Let it go now he's 18 ffs , and the girlfriend shouldn't be texting you especially every day I don't even text my own mum every day .

PhilCornwall1 · 23/05/2020 11:52

Let it go now he's 18 ffs

And after the couple of interrogations he's had now, he's not exactly going to be telling you anything in the future.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/05/2020 11:57

Agee let him get on with his relationship/s he will make mistakes he shall probably hurt some and get hurt himself it’s life

He is young he wants sex with lots of women and friendships not a serious committed relationship

Let him find his way and reply less to the girlfriend until she gets the message her interest is about him not how you are

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 11:57

@ChristmasFluff Even if I wanted to say something, I don't think my body would have allowed me to do so. I was shocked and confused at the same time.

I am not scared of him, I just don't have much authority over both boys. It's kind of like... how can I explain this? I don't like to say no to both boys and they are aware of this so sometimes they do take advantage of my kind nature. I think it's a little too late for me to take parenting classes 😔

OP posts:
Dieu · 23/05/2020 12:00

You must say something to him. You owe it to his girlfriend, and any other female he ever comes across! Ultimately you can't force him to do the right thing. But you can at least encourage him to think about his actions. I know, he's your son at the end of the day, but he is not the one in the right in this situation.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 23/05/2020 12:05

"I didn't realise you'd broken up with X. Sorry to hear it."

Calmly, after he hung up. Of if it happens again.

Sparklfairy · 23/05/2020 12:09

I think you've done the right kind of approach. I would reiterate that it's very hurtful to be on the receiving end of cheating and how would he feel if the tables were turned? They're young and the relationship may have it's issues, but you need to make clear that it's not okay to 'punish' someone for behaving in a way you don't like (being clingy) by cheating on them. That is cowardly and spiteful and I would make it very clear it was unacceptable and disappointing behaviour.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 12:09

@Dieu & @matchboxtwentyunwell I have had a chat with him, scroll up if you missed it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/05/2020 12:09

Christ, he said there were so many beautiful girls with great bodies then blamed his girlfriend for being clingy after lying to you and gaslighting you when you originally raised it, and even did it in front of you not giving a shit?

That’s fairly low behaviour. And that’s me being polite. But if you’re not much able to say no and nervous of them I’m not sure what can be done. He is what he is.

Freddiefox · 23/05/2020 12:15

Op, you are over invested, he’s young and 18 and people grow and change.

If he find his girlfriend to intense or overbearing then he needs to talk to her and/or break up with her, and this is the line you need to take.

The fact that you like her isn’t relevant to his relationship with her and it continuing.

To me it sounds like the relationship has run it course. - maybe support him to be respectful and support him break up with her in a respectful way.

You also shouldn’t be scared of your children, there is something wrong there.
What’s is your role with them like? Are you the dogsbody? If so don’t be. They are capable and you need to train them.

Be careful tarring you’re son with the behaviour of his dad - it’s not fair.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2020 12:24

he can't help himself because there are so many beautiful girls out there

If he feels his GF is too intense and he wants out of the relationship, then fair enough, but in all honesty this part would really concern me. "I can't help myself" is not a positive mindset for a young man to have about women at all. I would be having very firm words about that part.

AreYouLocal2 · 23/05/2020 12:25

He took the call while he was with you, which makes me think deep down he wanted to talk you about his girlfriend.

Yes, he does need to break up with her first, but at least he has the sense to see his current relationship is not healthy.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 12:29

Bluntness100 I think he is just behaving like this because he knows that girls like him, he wasn't really that interested in girls before.

You also shouldn’t be scared of your children, there is something wrong there.
What’s is your role with them like? Are you the dogsbody? If so don’t be. They are capable and you need to train them

I am not scared of them, I would say that I am a bit weak and not as firm as other mothers. I am a good mother though.

What exactly do you mean by ”role”

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 12:30

I am not scared of him, I just don't have much authority over both boys. It's kind of like... how can I explain this? I don't like to say no to both boys and they are aware of this so sometimes they do take advantage of my kind nature.

Well you want to nip that in the bud or they will think they can treat all women like that.
I have 3 teenage boys, have a kind nature also but am not a bloody doormat and they would never dare take advantage of me or any other girl/woman.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him there is nothing wrong with chasing pretty girls BUT he is NOT going to do it while he has a girlfriend and YOU will not let him either. He needs to end it with her sooner rather than later, he obviously doesn't have many feelings for her left.

Maybe he feels he can't break up with her because she is so chummy with you?

user1487194234 · 23/05/2020 12:37

I also wondered if it was his way of telling you there was an issue
I don't honestly think you can tell him what to do
He is an adult

Canadianpancake · 23/05/2020 12:43

I think you're in denial about what kind of man you've raised, and you're right, as a parent it is too late to do anything about it now.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 12:44

@LockedInMadness I have told him if he doesn’t feel happy he needs to end it with her. I will speak to him again over dinner, because I need him to be happy.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 12:49

YABU. It really is none of your business.

And if the girlfriend is texting you every day then it sounds like your son is right; she is clingy and overbearing and crossing appropriate social boundaries.

This doesn’t give him licence to cheat on her, of course not, but you really should not involve yourself in your sons love life.

imsooverthisdrama · 23/05/2020 12:57

I will speak to him again over dinner,
You've said enough don't bother him , if he wants to speak to you fine .
Stop meddling !

LouiseTrees · 23/05/2020 13:10

I think you don’t speak to him again over dinner. You leave your chat this morning time to set in, a couple of weeks. Then see what changes.

PinkiOcelot · 23/05/2020 13:11

I think the can’t help myself is him heading towards like father like son tbh. You should have explained that he needs to help himself and can’t just treat women like shit just because he can’t help himself! Remind him of how his father cheated on you and all the hurt and upset that caused.

His girlfriend being clingy and controlling is a different matter and he needs to deal with that separately.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 13:25

@imsooverthisdrama Ok, I won’t say anything I don’t want to come across as I’m meddling.

@PinkiOcelot Yes that’s exactly what I’m thinking and also worried about, I still actually feel very insecure now, I haven’t been in a relationship for 6 years (since I split with the boys father)

I just don’t understand why my son feels as if he “can’t help himself” he shouldn’t be outside approaching other girls, when he already has a girlfriend, it makes me wonder how is his confidence level so high.

OP posts:
Clockonmantlepiece · 23/05/2020 13:27

Dont let the pp on here beat you up either OP.
We're not all ball breakers and I bet you're a great mum.
He's only 18 but if and as he's cheating on her you've got to stick to your principles and tell him clearly it's not on.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 13:30

@Clockonmantlepiece Oh thank you, that’s such a nice thing to say 🙂

OP posts: