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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s playing on my mind.

105 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:04

I really don’t know where to start.....

But I’m going to try!

So this morning , DS (18) and I were in the car, on the way to do our weekly shop. He was sat beside me whilst he spoke to an “unknown person” on the phone, the conversation was friendly at first... the usual “How you doing?” etc

Then it escalated into...

“Yes I’m still single baby... I haven’t found anyone I’m really compatible with, on all levels”

Now beating in mind, he has been with his girlfriend for almost 8 months now. She is a lovely young lady, and I have a very good relationship with her, she texts me every day to see if I'm ok etc.

Me and his father broke up several years ago, due to him being unfaithful. I am very worried that my son is going to take after him, the conversation he had on the phone this morning has been playing on my mind all day, up to the point where I couldn't eat. It makes me think whether or not he is being unfaithful to his girlfriend, I really don't want her to go through what I went through with his dad.

AIBU to want to confront my son about this? or do I mind my own business?

If I am not being unreasonable how do I approach the situation?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2020 10:30

It’s not about whether he’s likely to stay with his girlfriend - it’s the disrespectful treatment that begins in this way.

My grandmother was utterly terrible with her sons. Encouraged their terrible behaviour, lied to girlfriends for them when they were young, excused they’d bad behaviour etc.

Low and behold every one of them has a dreadful relationship history all because of their inability to be faithful and treat women with respect.

It started in their teens because she didn’t guide them properly, and as a parent it’s our job to ensure their values are sound.

Taddda · 23/05/2020 10:42

He might benefit from you having a chat with him about how you felt when his Dad left? I think at 18 he's well placed to hear your experience not only as his Mum but as a woman? It doesn't have to be an intense conversation, but it might make him consider his actions a bit more- plus it doesn't make it about him, so less likely to be on the defensive?

user1487194234 · 23/05/2020 10:46

I would keep out of it
His girlfriend txts you every day ?
You sound over involved
I wouldn't want mine tied down at that age
But I would never interfere in another adult's relationship

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 10:51

LockedInMadness I wouldn’t say that I am involved in his love life, I think that’s a little farfetched

You said the conversation was playing on your mind all day, so much so you couldn't eat. You also said "I really can't cope with this". So, sorry, but yes I do think you are a little over invested.

I think you are so worried about him turning into his father you are getting too wound up over it. You have brought him up so you have to trust that he will follow your standards.

Canadianpancake · 23/05/2020 10:51

The phone call is one thing, but then he tried to gaslight you about it!? What a charmer.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2020 10:53

The phone call is one thing, but then he tried to gaslight you about it!? What a charmer

Yup. My thoughts too.

MashedSpud · 23/05/2020 10:55

Maybe your son and his gf aren’t exclusive? It could be an open relationship? Who knows?

He’s 18. Do you really want him to commit to a long term relationship or marriage at his age?

If he hurts someone he’s going to have to face the consequences. Not you.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2020 10:59

He’s 18. Do you really want him to commit to a long term relationship or marriage at his age?

It’s not about that - it’s about treating his partner honourably and with respect!

FFS. It’s no wonder there are all these twattish blokes around if attitudes like this are commonplace.

Canadianpancake · 23/05/2020 11:03

Maybe your son and his gf aren’t exclusive? It could be an open relationship? Who knows?

And again... He tried to gaslight his own mother. This is nothing to do with committing to a long term relationship, it's about respecting women.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2020 11:04

He seems (from what you've said) to have an 'I'll do what I like attitude.'

That would be met with a 'Not under this roof, you won't.' response.

If he is treating his girlfriend badly you need to talk about it.

If he is just going out and about during lockdown, you need to talk about it.

Out of interest, why was he going to the shop with you? They only let one person in don't they?

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 11:04

It's not just the boys though at that age. There are plenty of 18 yr old girls playing around too.
I don't agree with it and I've not brought my children up to think that it's acceptable but let's not pretend it's just the boys.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 11:05

@user1487194234 As I said before, I do not see an issue with her texting me. I just see it as her being the nice and kind girl she is.
@Merryolgoat Thank you for your comment, all I want from him is to treat everyone with respect.

OP posts:
Taddda · 23/05/2020 11:08

If he hurts someone he’s going to have to face the consequences. Not you.

I'd agree with this slightly if it wasn't for the current Gf being in constant contact with the OP- it's likely her son will just ghost her, but I doubt the OP would do the same and probably recieve a barrage of upset phone calls wanting to speak with him/know why....then if she finds out he's been cheating....its the end of the world when your 18 and the OP will get the worst of it!

I know she's probably a nice girl Op, but can you try and distance from her a little, she's obviously not 'the one'.

If you are concerned about his behaviour in other aspects I'd still suggest having a talk with him.

imsooverthisdrama · 23/05/2020 11:11

If you didn't ask him at the time and now he claims he doesn't recall the conversation then you have no option to let it go .
I'll be honest it's one of my pet peeves people recalling previous conversation that they are annoyed about , if you were annoyed at the time you should of said . The moment is past now so stay out of it .
I'd just say it's none of my business but treat people with the same respect you expect back and don't mention again. If he doesn't want you to pass comment on his private life he shouldn't have private conversations in front of you .

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 11:12

@Nanny0gg I am aware of the “only one person allowed to shop per household” but my local supermarket seem to be fine with it, in answer to your question I brought him along with me, so he could choose what food he wanted for the week, I am a mum of two boys and him including my other son are incredibly fussy eaters.

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 11:14

I tried speaking to him this morning, only to be met with “What... When? What conversation?”

OP what did you say to him after this? Did you leave it or did you say "You know very well what conversation......"

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 11:15

He has just come back in, I am going to try again. I’ll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 23/05/2020 11:19

TBH I think a lot of 18 year old boys would be put off my their gf txting their mum every day

Taddda · 23/05/2020 11:21

TBH I think a lot of 18 year old boys would be put off my their gf txting their mum every day

That's true.

PhilCornwall1 · 23/05/2020 11:22

I've got an 18 year old son and if his girlfriend (not that he has one as far as I know) was texting my wife every day, I'd find it odd to be honest.

kazzer2867 · 23/05/2020 11:27

The phone call is one thing, but then he tried to gaslight you about it!? What a charmer.

^^This.

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 11:28

I've got an 18 year old son and if his girlfriend (not that he has one as far as I know) was texting my wife every day, I'd find it odd to be honest.

Really odd and a little bit needy. It's like she thinks she's his wife already and that would put any 18 yr old off Confused

AlwaysCheddar · 23/05/2020 11:31

Think it’s very odd you didn’t say something at the time. A girlfriend of 8 months texting you daily is odd - bit smothering and OTT for someone your son doesn’t care about.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 11:44

I’m back, I feel a little bit better because he was willing to speak and apologised for acting like he didn’t know what I was speaking about this morning.

Right...

So he has basically said, that he can’t help himself because there are so many beautiful girls out there, with nice bodies and better conversation “not saying that X is not”

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 23/05/2020 11:45

I find it really odd that you didn't say something at the time - if it had been my son (also 18) I'd have been loudly saying 'no girlfriend? What about Little Miss Texty that you've been dating for 8 months?' whilst he was on the phone.

And then I would have had the conversation about how it's fine to not want anything serious at that age, but people have to know where they stand. And as for him denying it - yeah, short shrift for that sort of lying.

I agree with others above, you sound scared of him. Any power imbalance in a mother/son relationship would usually work in your favour, but this seems to be far from the case here.

He must have been very sure you wouldn't have commented loudly to the contrary, or he wouldn't have made such a statement on the phone. Can't imagine many 18 year olds would have that surety about their parent. He sounds like the boss of you.