Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s playing on my mind.

105 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 22/05/2020 23:04

I really don’t know where to start.....

But I’m going to try!

So this morning , DS (18) and I were in the car, on the way to do our weekly shop. He was sat beside me whilst he spoke to an “unknown person” on the phone, the conversation was friendly at first... the usual “How you doing?” etc

Then it escalated into...

“Yes I’m still single baby... I haven’t found anyone I’m really compatible with, on all levels”

Now beating in mind, he has been with his girlfriend for almost 8 months now. She is a lovely young lady, and I have a very good relationship with her, she texts me every day to see if I'm ok etc.

Me and his father broke up several years ago, due to him being unfaithful. I am very worried that my son is going to take after him, the conversation he had on the phone this morning has been playing on my mind all day, up to the point where I couldn't eat. It makes me think whether or not he is being unfaithful to his girlfriend, I really don't want her to go through what I went through with his dad.

AIBU to want to confront my son about this? or do I mind my own business?

If I am not being unreasonable how do I approach the situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 15:16

Also, I want to thank you all for your help 🙂 I usually use netmums and I must say that this is a much better environment.

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 16:16

Ha, I'm not sure about that there are some right nasty bitches here 🤣

I hope you get to talk to him again at some point though and hopefully he will do the honourable thing with regards to his girlfriend.
Let us know what happens.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 16:24

@LockedInMadness I actually don't know what to do, because a few people here have told me to leave the situation alone.

I hope he does the honourable thing too, I don’t want him to think that it’s ok to cheat on her, I know my son too well and for him it would be a lot easier for him to cheat on her than to end the relationship. Hopefully that doesn’t happen 😔

OP posts:
soph1987 · 23/05/2020 16:27

Thank you for trying with your son and for trying to make him into a good man.

I really hope you do get involved. That treatment of women is disgusting and saying they have nice bodies etc is already going a bit down the wrong path... there's far more to a woman and he should respect them.

Poor girlfriend, I hope she breaks up with him and finds someone honest.
Being hurt like this at a young age can just lead to further self esteem issues. It's so damaging and I absolutely hate it.

I applaud you OP.

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 16:33

Well tbh if it was me, the next time the gf texted me I would say to him "oh xx just texted me, what's happening with you two? I do hope you're not messing her about? If you want to chase other girls then you need to end it with her. Do NOT treat her the way I have been treated in the past. It's not the way I've brought you up and I expect better".
Be firm with him!!!

Osirus · 23/05/2020 16:40

I wouldn’t say anything further about it just yet. You’ve already spoken to him and he has confided in you, which shows you are a good mother.

But I would really leave it now or he will start to get annoyed if you keep going on about it. He knows your thoughts and he knows what’s right deep down. He clearly doesn’t care deeply enough about his girlfriend to stop his eye wandering and, he is only 18. This relationship doesn’t sound like it will last and it’s better to end it now to avoid making it worse further down the line, or he does cheat on her and breaks her heart all the more. She does sound nice (if a bit intense, with him and yourself (I know you don’t mind and that’s your call)) and doesn’t deserve to be treated badly.

I would keep a “loose” eye on the situation, but from afar. He needs to make his own mistakes. If you keep going on he’ll think your nagging him.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 16:56

@soph1987

Thank you for the kind words, so nice of you.

Being hurt like this at a young age can just lead to further self esteem issues. It's so damaging and I absolutely hate it

I’ve experienced this, my first ever boyfriend was seeing someone else. He come clean and said that I deserved a lot better than him because I was too nice, up to this day I wonder if he just said that so I didn’t feel so bad.

@LockedInMadness I am going to speak to him again this evening, funny enough his girlfriend hasn’t texted me today... but I’m not going to ask questions.

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 17:19

funny enough his girlfriend hasn’t texted me today

Oh good well hopefully he has let her down gently already.

If you keep going on he’ll think your nagging him

I don't see it as nagging especially as OP normally leaves her sons to it. It's playing on her mind and it needs clearing up.

up to this day I wonder if he just said that so I didn’t feel so bad.

Probably not, some people are too nice for their own good.

Good luck speaking to him tonight, Chia.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 18:55

I’m back.

Ok, so we have spoke again. He has said that he no longer wants to be with her, but he can’t leave..

He said that most days are problematic, the most recent was when her friend called him (bearing in mind, he has known her since prep-school and I know her parents very well) she is in a relationship one of his friends, and they are going through problems too at the moment, she called my son to see if he had spoken to her boyfriend, then she “broke down” crying, so my son spoke to her until she was ok. She then called my sons girlfriend and said she feels embarrassed about the whole situation (crying on the phone), sons girlfriend then called him and told him that he shouldn’t have stayed on the phone to her because she’s the biggest attention seeker and she was probably just calling to speak to him.

I am not just saying this but my son is genuinely caring and helpful although he does have some bad ways.

I have told my son that if he doesn’t want to be with her he needs to leave, he said he does want to leave but he can’t because he is scared that something might happen afterwards.

I am a bit worried about him now, even though he seems his usual self. I did ask him if he was ok and he said he is fine, but he just doesn’t want this anymore.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 19:14

There’s nothing you can do. You need to drop it; you’ve said the same thing to him twice now.

If he comes to you wanting to talk, great, but you need to not involve yourself in the drama.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 19:18

@heartsonacake I am not “involving myself in the drama” I want to and will insure that my son is ok, he is my son and I care for him very deeply. As his mother I am allowed to ask him questions, if he didn’t want to speak to me he wouldn’t have, and I would not have mentioned it again, but he chose to open up.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 19:21

and I would not have mentioned it again, but he chose to open up.

Which is it - you sat him down for a talk as you said in an earlier post, or he came to you as you’re implying here?

By bringing up the subject you are involving yourself. You’ve said your piece now leave it be unless he specifically comes to you to talk.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 19:33

@heartsonacake I did not sit him down, I did not ask to speak to him.

He came into the garden and sat down with me, asked me if I was ok then continued doing “whatever” on his phone, I then proceeded with “I’m sorry to ask this hun, but what you told me earlier is playing on mind....” he then spoke, I did not put any pressure on him what so ever. I am glad that I did speak to him again, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure he is happy and safe.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 19:38

I then proceeded with “I’m sorry to ask this hun, but what you told me earlier is playing on mind....

So you did approach him about it; you did involve yourself because you broached the subject.

As I said, if he comes to you and speaks to you about it, by all means, have that conversation. But don’t push yourself in with an emotional “it’s playing on my mind” because of the issues you had with his dad.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 19:40

@heartsonacake I am not too sure whether you are just being horrible now or...

I don’t understand how I involved myself the second time, and to be quiet honest with you, he is my son I birthed him and I do almost everything for him so for that reason, I think I am allowed to ask him questions, if and when I want to.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 19:44

I don’t understand how I involved myself the second time,

Because you broached the subject. You didn’t let him come to you and start talking first, you brought it up.

he is my son I birthed him and I do almost everything for him so for that reason, I think I am allowed to ask him questions, if and when I want to.

Even if one has a right to do something, that doesn’t mean it’s always healthy or appropriate to do so.

Euclid · 23/05/2020 19:45

He is only eighteen. Poor fellow to have such a clingy girlfriend. I completely agree with all the posters who think that it is very strange that she texts you every day which is as if she thinks that she is your DIL.
He will need support from you as he tries to get himself out of this relationship and has to cope with her tantrums that will undoubtedly ensue.

Happygroundhogday · 23/05/2020 19:48

@ChiaWatermelon Please ignore that poster. I've found that s/he can be horribly relentless...like a dog with a bone!

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2020 20:15

If OPs son was a young father and his girlfriend was posting on here, everyone would be slating him as an arsehole for cheating on her. I don't see why because he doesn't, it's suddenly not a problem and she should butt out and not say anything. You should absolutely feel free to tell him firmly that cheating on her is not acceptable no matter how intense he finds her. He is a young man.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 20:20

@Happygroundhogday Thanks so much for telling me, I didn’t understand why she kept “picking” can only assume that she has problems of her own, I’ll be sure to ignore her now.

@Euclid I didn’t think it was strange, but now I do....

@aSofaNearYou I agree, I’m just hoping he does the right thing.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 23/05/2020 20:20

Yes of course, it’s easy to dismiss others as having “problems” because they’re not saying what you want to hear.

Taddda · 23/05/2020 20:36

It sounds like you've had a pretty productive day with your son @ChiaWatermelon - you were honest and open and it sounds as if he's responded to that the same way-

You now know how he feels, what his concerns are etc so you can support him in that - pretty good parenting I'd say.

Do you feel better for it?

MBM18 · 23/05/2020 20:47

OP you sound like a lovely, caring mother. Just because he's 18 and technically an adult doesn't mean you can't still speak with him and give him guidance.
It's great that you can both have chats like that together.
I'm 28 years old and still go to my parents for advice and they'd definitely question me if I was sat in the car next to them having a telephone conversation like that!
The OP came on here for advice, took it on board, but went with what felt right to her, some people just need to accept that Hmm

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 20:49

@Taddda Yes, I feel a lot better now thanks. It feels like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders and I’m also happy that my son opened up 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 23/05/2020 20:51

@MBM18 I’m 38 and I feel soooo old 😔 I always taken advice on board, I am very grateful.

OP posts: