My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

Yes of course mum is allowed a break. I never suggested otherwise. Just when people make statements about how it would impact the parental relationship, then you also have to start looking at the bigger picture.

To the children it could be seen as all week in school, usual after school stuff, activities, bed, rinse and repeat until the weekend and erm. And it's every weekend.

I guess if it comes down to it, he is entitled to do with them what he wishes on his time. So, if he doesn't want to take your DD to her club on Saturday and that becomes his allocated time, then that is between him and her

This way of thinking pisses me off. Contact is for the benefit of the child - not the other way round.

My friends ex does this even with kids party invites it hideous

You've still not addressed what nearly everyone is suggesting. That he picks the kids up from school on Friday and keeps them until Monday. He can get DD to dancing on Sat surely? And spend the day with DS?

Saraclara Op has addressed this:

johowieorla Thu 21-May-20 21:04:13
I don't mind him having them EOW but that does mean that they will only see him once every 2 weeks as he can't cope with having them in the week and taking them to school and their clubs. I just feel it's unfair that I'll be doing all the running around, until 9 at night 3 x a lot week and he's having lots of spare time to go to the gym etc

I think I you should say no to him. I think you’re already doing the lion’s share but if it is what suits you and your kids, stick to it. He’s basically saying he wants to see the kids for 14 daylight hours a fortnight instead of 14 daylight hours a week and somehow you’re getting crucified for not wanting to have them more? And keep the clubs for God’s sake. Anyone saying to cancel then has no idea what it’s like to have a child or children with a passion.

Just say no. Or say he needs to have them weekdays to make up for it (which he won’t do so it’s bank to no).

Ugggg

Once again the mother is doing all the things and now being criticised too.

Some activities I've stayed and some not. Depends on the age, the activity and how far it is.

Football/rugby or other outdoor sport i usually stayed. Swimming I stayed when they were younger, lessons were short and there were places to watch. When they got older there was no place to watch and lesson longer but closer so I went home and back. Beavers/Cubs/Scouts, only stayed if it was my allocated helping week, Judo I usually stayed in the hall, sometimes working or sometimes watching.

At one point on swimming, I used to drive No2 son, drop him off, go back to collect him taking No1 son to drop him off and then go back again to collect No1 son, was easier when they were both in the same class. They did the last year of Scouts themselves as we made sure they could drive as quickly as possible after 17 :)

Once again the mother is doing all the things and now being criticised too.
And on a site that has mum in it's name.

canigooutyet- and the mum is on call the entire time. She is allowing her kids to enjoy their life by facilitating their clubs and being their at all the in between times. Wake up/breakfast/school drop off/school pick up/dinner/ homework/clubs/bedtime/washing/taking/resolving issues with kids/resolving issues with kids.

She isn’t babysitting them. She’s there the entire time. Parenting. So it’s not out of the question for him to take them off her hands and do his fair share for around 15 hours a week! Because they are asleep for a big chunk of it!

Yeah because god forbid a mother would want a break from her kids after having them all week by herself!

So outside of school and clubs when is the OP actually spend time with the children.

The Ex is a monumental twat. But I don't think anyone is coming out of this golden.

Tell him that you aren't telling them that he's not interested in seeing them as much. That you won't do his dirty work for him. That he will need to do it and they'll be upset that they are so unwanted and so easily discarded.

That might focus his mind and persuade him that longer eow would be a plausible and undamaging solution, as would eow and a mid week. These are alternative arrangements that won't hurt them. Reducing their contract time for no good reason, will.

This way of thinking pisses me off. Contact is for the benefit of the child - not the other way round.

I agree it is, but at the moment OP is taking the brunt. To be fair I'd be pissed off if my ex (if i had one) made arrangements for what the Dc were doing on my allocated time. Personally I think he should support the DC and take them to clubs, but it's up to him to book and take them to what the DC ask when he has them.

Imagine if he booked OPs son into a boxing class on a weekday night on the basis that it was OPs responsibiity to take the DS? Not exactly fair is it? If he however booked him and took him or said to OP that DC really wants to go and can she take as it's only available on her time then fair enough if she agrees.

OP I understand. ExH only ever had DS Ion a
Saturday 10-5 and one Friday night a months. I was run ragged. DS is 16 now and sees him for an hour or so
On a Saturday morning.All down to exes selfishness and hobbies he was not willing to give up.

Their relationship has suffered because of this.
I would say yet to EOW but from Thursday evening to Sunday evening. He gets to do some of the running and you get to have a break.

I think I you should say no to him.

She can’t make him have them.

And she’s said he won’t have them during the week but hasn’t clarified if there’s currently a night in the week which isn’t devoted to activities when he’d be able to spend time with them. If he’d just be taking over the driving you can see why he wouldn’t jump at the chance, it’s not quality time.

Or it stays as it is. Get your divorce sorted and something on paper to make sure he does his bit

The Ex is a monumental twat. But I don't think anyone is coming out of this golden

Ffs..

OP you bad mum you for facilitating your kids to do clubs they love!! Your just as bad as their dad ...

@Spillinteas I’ve never done football rugby and tennis. Swimming and martial arts are the only 2 clubs where I’ve been allowed to watch. I cba to list all the clubs my children have been to but the norm seems to be to drop them off, then either wait in reception or come back and pick them up. We’ve obviously got different ways of seeing things. Imo being sat on the sidelines watching a child being instructed in a ballet lesson isn’t spending quality time with them. In your opinion it is

Op there’s a reason people are focusing on clubs. Taking the clubs out of the equation, you work part time and have every weekend child free. Your oh works full time and had the children every weekend.
You don’t want the children ANY weekend and have used the kids clubs as the reason why you’re exhausted.
You’ve since stated that your oh don’t want the children in the week as he doesn’t want to run them round the clubs.

Do you still think the clubs are not as issue? And as much as your kids love them, do you not think a day or so a week with their parent may be more important?

I just can't wrap my head around a parent who only sees their child a couple of days per week, wanting them even LESS? Can you imagine doing that? My DC drive me bonkers at times but I can't even fathom it... that's not parenting. Another feckless father - hurray

Useless bastard.

EOW contact is rubbish! I've no idea why it is so readily accepted as a norm. Obviously If the NRP has the children during the week that is better but still

If I were dating again and i came across a bloke who only had his kids EOW (in absence of extenuating circumstances) he would be gone before morning. EOW is just appalling . IMHO

I think eow could work if it was from Friday night to Monday morning (and he takes them to school) might be better for you in the long run, but it does seem like he just can't be arsed, good luck op

I know she is. She is putting her children above everything else. Even trying the alternate weekend.

Who knows with a couple of weekends off a month will give him time to go to the gym, and during the week can spend more time with them.

You don’t want the children ANY weekend and have used the kids clubs as the reason why you’re exhausted

Actually she said she would be happy to do every other weekend Friday - Monday - but he won’t do the club on Saturday morning or school pick up.

Twat.

@Googlemailsnail yea. Because that's exactly what I said. Well done genius.

Oh and I never mentioned the words babysitting @Spillinteas

And surely by moving to Thursday or Friday evening until Monday every other week gives them more quality time with dad?

And as much as your kids love them, do you not think a day or so a week with their parent may be more important?

Why women are blamed for everything.

**To the children it could be seen as all week in school, usual after school stuff, activities, bed, rinse and repeat until the weekend and erm. And it's every weekend.
Exactly this