My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

@Herpesfreesince03 he doesn't want to see them in the week, just EOW that is the issue

Sorry if I’ve missed it but what’s his reasons for reducing the contact? I struggle to think of anyone as a good parent who sees their children so infrequently through choice.

I can't imagine wanting my dc away every weekend. When do you get to do the fun stuff? If it's practical he could do some midweek stuff but your dc need some down time and a social relationship with you too. Exp totally refuses any midweek as it's too much effort on his part - his loss but no way I'd give up my weekend time so EOW it is

Some of the comments on here are nuts. You're not being unreasonable OP, your ex is

@johowieorlan the kids club activities have flagged up as I think a few of us couldn’t understand your schedule at the start of the thread. Have you actually asked your ex to take the kids to school on a Monday morning instead of arriving at his a 7am?
Like others have suggested it actually would be easier for you if your ex to collect the kids on Friday from school for the entire weekend EOW.

The kids must be knackered too sitting in the car from 7am whilst you drive them to school. I don’t think it’s just the ex at fault here.

He just won't collect them from schoo, they're both at different schools at the mo, primary and high, and he doesn't like having to rush round taking them to their clubs, which I don't mind if they love it

In the past, I have had to say no to my children at times. It was either that or more work for me, and of course the impact these things have on siblings.

We'd all sit and try and see if it was workable. If not, sorry kid cannot be done at the moment. And obviously, as things changes, some of those no become absolutely.

What do the children want though?

Is it possible the older one make their way to primary? Meet along the way? Make own way to dads? Pick up the younger one both go to whichever home?

So friday evening until Monday morning if going to 2 whole places to collect them is too much for the poor tiredly little lamb? Then you get saturday and sunday EOW to chill

OP it's quite clear that you are not forcing your kids into doing extracurricular activities but that you are working super hard to enable them to get to do things that they love and want to do. Please please do NOT feel guilty for wanting time off, I've honestly never heard of anyone suggesting this is a bad thing before reading this thread! Taking it in turns to have a lie-in on the weekend - is that a bad thing too, should I be preferring to get up at 6am just to get that cherished extra couple of hours with my darling child?! I am clearly a terrible parent....

I don’t think you are unreasonable but, unfortunately you cannot force someone to be a parent . If he refuses to see the DC during the week and reduces contact to EOW there is nothing you can do . It isn’t fair but that’s the situation.

I couldn't imagine being away from them every weekend. It's unfair and unworkable long time, even without activities.

Do all these activities interfere with hanging out with their mates?

Don't they want to be in the main home some weekends to hang with mates?

Or round dads during the week to chill with mates?

and he doesn't like having to rush round taking them to their clubs, which I don't mind if they love it

He just sounds selfish. I think it’s likely the children will lose any closeness that they have with him as they’ll soon be aware that he can’t be bothered with them, that’s if they’re not already aware. I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

The activities are a key element as they’re the reason you’re so tired and run ragged. Working part time, if you cut down some of the midweek evening driving you’d be less desperate for time off at the weekend.

You know he’s not going to do activities fetching and carrying so the only thing his request means is you have one less day off a fortnight. You don’t seem worried he’ll see less of the kids so the unfairness seems down to you having them an extra day. If he insists, you’ll have to look at your commitments through the rest of the week and carve out time for the gym or whatever it is you need.

You’re not looking at the benefits to you and your relationships with your children. Don’t you want time to make plans or just relax with them?

Didn't think my kids clubs would come into this as it's really not the issue
Yeah, it kinda is. For whatever reason you choose to overschedule your children, it clearly plays a big part in how the access is set up.
If he asked for, or agreed to, a midweek dinner, is there a night this could happen? The fact that you don't think your daughter would drop a single night is concerning to me also.
It's your choice to be a slave to your childrens activities and, if it works for you, all good. Also completely fair for him to not want to chauffeur them around.

I would, however tell him that EOW is going to mean Friday night to Sunday night (Or Monday morning if that's better for you) and he'll have to take on the Sat activities

He sounds like a selfish waster OP.

I’m shocked at the responses too tbh. The kids have to change to facilitate their dad

Herpes I was a sports coach for over a decade. All the parents stayed to watch their little darlings doing their activities . They were not actually allowed to leave the site.

No parents watch their kids play football, swimming, rugby, tennis ect over your end then??

DownaRoaddirt
They could say the same about the op, not wanting to spend weekend with them. Who knows?

We don't even know what the children want just what both parents want.

Haven’t read all replies but... he should be having them two nights a week then say Tuesday Wednesday one week, then the full weekend the following week?

That way you both get quality time with your DCs big equally young get down time each too?

Maybe knock some clubs on the head? 3 nights a week until 9pm. When we were kids there was nothing like that so I’m sure they’ll be fine if they don’t go. Just keep it one night?

DownaRoaddirt
They could say the same about the op, not wanting to spend weekend with them. Who knows

Yeah because god forbid a mother would want a break from her kids after having them all week by herself!

I guess if it comes down to it, he is entitled to do with them what he wishes on his time. So, if he doesn't want to take your DD to her club on Saturday and that becomes his allocated time, then that is between him and her.

He absolutely should be collecting them on a friday and dropping them back on a Monday though.

So, your DD either has to miss her class on every 2nd Saturday, he takes her or makes other arrangements for her to attend. let him deal with the grief from your DD. You facilitate what you want to facilitate on your time.

Your DC are not stupid, they'll work it out for themselves and either give him the elbow or deal with it if they want to continue contact.

Hunny, the activities aren't the problem. Op is happy to do all the running around

johowieorl

Am I reading a different OP?
Your ex wants to take the kids every second weekend instead of every Saturday to Monday? No days between?

How part-time is your job. I can see why he could be fed up if his contact time is spent ferrying them about to clubs instead of choosing an activity they can do together or even just relaxing. It all sounds very hectic. Does it have to be.

He has them 8 nights a month.