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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 17:52

returnofthecat Thu 21-May-20 17:18:58
I don't think that I've been appallingly neglected.

As a single person, I might not have human touch, but I have peace and calm. I'm also not at risk of harm at anyone's hands other than my own.

Off the top of my head, I am more concerned about people in abusive relationships, and people who are carers and have no respite. Sometimes not being alone is not a happy place to be.
.....
That is a sensible post which sums the situation up perfectly.
I too don't feel in the least neglected.

PafLeChien · 21/05/2020 17:53

At least it's a change from the non-stop threads we used to have guffawing at couples, as apparently being in a relationship had to mean loss of freedom and independence, abuse, misery and self loathing.

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 18:00

I feel extremely neglected and at risk of harm.

Why do you feel you need to be “more concerned” with one vulnerable class of people than with another? Why can’t you have equal empathy for everyone who is struggling?

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 18:04

You could meet a friend outside and keep distance, people do - they even go for a walk or run together keeping 2m apart, then stop and have a chat.

I know they do, people who have friends do all this stuff.

didmyhousethismornin · 21/05/2020 18:07

YANBU

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2020 18:08

I have empathy for everyone, it's been hard on a lot of people, but seriously, don't wait for permission.
Sorry to all those who can't get medical treatment at the moment. My doctor and nurses are all seeing patients now, even for routine stuff, so hopefully things are starting to get back to normal.

U2HasTheEdge · 21/05/2020 18:08

U2HasTheEdge so you're ok with people dying of coronavirus by ending the lockdown now but you're concerned people might take their lives because of bad mental health?

I am not OK with people dying of cv, no. It is going to be here for a long time though, and lockdown was never about stopping people from getting it as another poster pointed out.

I think we are at the point now where the dangers of lock down- economy, mental health, children's education etc- are outweighing the benefits of lockdown, which was always about making sure the NHS could cope.

Elieza · 21/05/2020 18:09

I’m single and don’t feel neglected. I feel ok. Yeah I do feel a bit hemmed in but overall I’m doing reasonably ok as I can get out for a walk, have a garden, have a pet, and get to the shops once a week in the car so I can get all my messages home easily. So I’m luckier than many.

I miss human touch but the lack of it won’t kill me. It receiving it from a Typhoid Mary that could!

Coffeecak3 · 21/05/2020 18:14

@Xenia. Old people don’t need to go out if they want to stay safe. They don’t work, they have a pension. As long as food is delivered they can stay in. The virus could be raging around them, as long as it doesn’t enter their home they’re fine. So don’t make this about saving old people because it’s really not.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 18:15

thesuperfluousone Thu 21-May-20 18:04:12
You could meet a friend outside and keep distance, people do - they even go for a walk or run together keeping 2m apart, then stop and have a chat.

I know they do, people who have friends do all this stuff.
....
I don't, does that mean I don't have friends :-) ?

Only joking, not moaning. I'm happy to keep in touch with people online and a close relly comes round to deliver and pick up things sometimes at which time we talk while he stands in the drive. Suits me.

I'm far more concerned about others who are confined with people with whom they do not get on! Or have lively, demanding children. Give me solitude any day. I am far from neglected (though have to admit a bit of self neglect has set in but who cares? Nobody sees me).

We're still alive, when this is over we will build a brave new world and we couldn't do that if we were dead.

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 18:18

I don't, does that mean I don't have friends :-) ?

I missed out 'can'

People with friends can do all this stuff. I can't.

The GP, dentist, teachers are not going to phone me for a jolly little chat about the weather and what we watched on tv last night!

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 18:18

Coffeecak3 Thu 21-May-20 18:14:55
@Xenia. Old people don’t need to go out if they want to stay safe. They don’t work, they have a pension. As long as food is delivered they can stay in. The virus could be raging around them, as long as it doesn’t enter their home they’re fine. So don’t make this about saving old people because it’s really not.
.....
I entirely agree. It's other people who are protected by those who are self isolating. Also old people in care homes aren't at all safe, quite the opposite if what we read in the news is accurate!

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 18:20

Not all old people have pensions. There are some older people who have to work far past retirement age due to financial difficulties, because otherwise they couldn’t pay their rent/mortgage.

BenScalesIsAGod · 21/05/2020 18:21

@thesuperfluousone

Do you normally get social contact from your GP or dentist? The OP said she was missing social contact. It’s probably not as good as a hug but OP can go out and meet people now.

I do think it’s hard for single people but lots of people are finding different things hard. Single people aren’t a priority- it’s about reducing numbers of covid cases. It’s not a deliberate snub. Children seeing non resident parents is hardly the same thing?

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 18:22

The superflounce:

The GP, dentist, teachers are not going to phone me for a jolly little chat about the weather and what we watched on tv last night!
....
No. Would you expect or want them to?

If you want to talk about that sort of stuff you can do it on here or on other forums, or speak to friends on telephone. I watch loads of television, especially at the moment but can't say I often feel the urge to discuss programmes. I might if there was an exceptionally good drama series, especially if based on book. I've seen threads on Mumsnet about telly.

BettyUnderswoob · 21/05/2020 18:23

I am not single or alone. I wish I were. There is almost daily violence in my house, and if not that then lots of shouting and screaming into the night so I can’t sleep. Nor can my youngest DC, who is becoming increasingly distressed about this as well as missing school, which she loves.

There has been some help via telephone, but not enough; not the help we’d have had otherwise.

There have been lots of people very badly affected by lockdown. It’s impossible to make rules for every type of person and every scenario. It’s hard for so many of us, but it’s temporary, and as a much wiser than me PP said, there’s no need to play hardship top trumps.

Kljnmw3459 · 21/05/2020 18:23

OP, you're allowed to meet with a friend or family member if you want.

longtimemarried · 21/05/2020 18:24

I now live alone having been recently widowed and now is isolation. Trying to adjust but finding it very difficult.

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 18:24

The GP, dentist, teachers are not going to phone me for a jolly little chat about the weather and what we watched on tv last night!
....
No. Would you expect or want them to?

Of course not. The point I made up thread somewhere was that if I look in my phone to see who I can call then they are the only numbers available to me. There is nobody who I can socialise with.

littlemeitslyn · 21/05/2020 18:26

'Fuck me' No thanks

randomer · 21/05/2020 18:27

I found having Menta Health Awareness week shoved down my throat rather unpalatable.

There has never been much available and there is practically nothing now. Which help line could I ring if I feel low? There is nothing.

What are your views please Xenia, that oldies shuld perish in order for young ecomomically productive young people to flourish?

OP, is must be tough to be in your own head for so long. It is definatley not what we humans are designed to do. Alone, in a couple, in a family, its bloody awful for just about everybody imo.

SpiderPlantSally · 21/05/2020 18:30

Now that there are no penalties for travel, you can meet who you want. You're not supposed to go in their house, or within 2m of them, but to be honest, if a single person decides to form a "bubble"with another single person or a household, it's not going to make a huge difference to Covid rates.
I have a single neighbour who has formed a bubble with her sister's family who are isolating in the next town. It means she can do some occasional childcare of her young niece and nephew, enabling her DS and BIL to get on with their work from home, and she has some company now and again.
You need to weigh up which is riskier for you, the thread of catching the virus or the threat of storing up mental health problems.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 18:45

randomer Thu 21-May-20 18:27:03
I found having Menta Health Awareness week shoved down my throat rather unpalatable.

There has never been much available and there is practically nothing now. Which help line could I ring if I feel low? There is nothing.
.......
Mental Health Awareness week rather passed me by. I saw some articles on the internet and maybe there were things on TV but I didn't notice.

Having had mental health problems and been under the 'care' of the local mental health team, I don't expect anything of them, am totally disillusioned. I'm better off going it alone.

It's a shameful business though. When this is all over I hope a concerted effort is made to improve all of the health services which is what we need; heroes are marvellous in a crisis but it's, normal, every day efficiency and care that is currently inadequate. I'm not holding my breath though.

Mental Health departments are definitely the poor relation of the NHS, along with Geriatric Medicine.

Oh coincidentally I've just seen an advert on TV for Mental Health Awareness week - I thought that had been and gone.

My mental health has definitely improved over the past few months, I am stronger than I was. Not physically because of lack of activity but I can hopefully address that in time.

Etinox · 21/05/2020 18:50

Flowers @TurtleTortoise
I hope this helps OP.
Human touch is so important.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 18:51

Superflounce: There is nobody who I can socialise with.

People haven't been socialising except a minority who have flouted lockdown. I am sorry you have nobody you can 'phone but there are internet groups; you may find one local to you which could lead to meet ups when times are better. In the meantime they can be quite interesting, especially those who go into the history of a particular area and post photographs; people have a laugh too. They seem to almost forget the current pandemic while posting.