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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 21/05/2020 17:04

It's rarely talked about in the news because one narrative has taken to dominate - that of stay apart - so things which support the narrative (entertaining kids, shopping without contact, "zoom meetups" etc.) are talked about, things which don't support that narrative aren't talked about.

So the damage caused to everyone via social isolation doesn't get discussed, both for kids, for adults living alone, and for pensioners. The entire "scientific" advice and government communication has been woeful, and it's been fully supported by a media who's only interested in politics as sports commentary, so the health and science news has become the same pointless exercise that utterly fails to inform or educate.

Paintedmaypole · 21/05/2020 17:06

...and PS look at the relatively young people working in the NHS who have died.

sociallydistained · 21/05/2020 17:07

Exactly why I'm seeing my partner as of this weekend. He will "move in" every weekend. He actually works away all week so technically it's one household. We didn't do this at first as took it all very seriously .. but it takes the piss now. We've been alone for 9 weeks and pose little risk
To each other or anyone else (the same as any other "household" )

I think if I was single I would of chosen to mix with best friends household at this point too. But I won't as I've obviously chosen my boyfriend.

crazeelala2u · 21/05/2020 17:14

My dad lives alone, about 5 miles from my sister and I and my daughter. We see him once a week. All 3 of us adults are essential employees, however, my dad has a history of depression and we make sure we see him, and hug him and make him dinner at minimum once a week, so he remembers he's not alone when he's sitting at home by himself.

returnofthecat · 21/05/2020 17:18

I don't think that I've been appallingly neglected.

As a single person, I might not have human touch, but I have peace and calm. I'm also not at risk of harm at anyone's hands other than my own.

Off the top of my head, I am more concerned about people in abusive relationships, and people who are carers and have no respite. Sometimes not being alone is not a happy place to be.

The world is not normal. We all have to adapt.

You can't start hugging people. That's a limitation. But you can start talking to people. If you have no support network, get in touch with your local mutual aid group and they'll allocate someone to give you a call and talk to you.

You can't change everything, but you should change the things you can change.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/05/2020 17:19

I don't live alone but I am shielding so have had to maintain social distancing between my husband. You just have to manage. I wouldn't expect others to have to risk their safety to make me feel better.

Of course, just because I person wants a hug it doesn't mean that others would be happy to oblige. It is really tough. My isolation won't be ending any time soon so I have had to accept that my life is going to be isolated for a long time to come.

Breastfeedingworries · 21/05/2020 17:19

I’ve broke rules from the get go for this reason. I’ve always seen my neighbor who also lives alone. We’ve mixed this whole time. It’s impossible to police so I think you can do your own risk assessment between you. Make sure you look after your mental health! Flowers

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/05/2020 17:23

I agree Lovemusic. The whole thing is just carnage. People in unhappy/abusive households. People in flats with no outdoor space. Horrendous. Self isolating when all the happy couples and families are out, with the elderly at even more risk because there's people everywhere. The few parks that are open are rammed, they can't even get anywhere near a shop With the queues etc. Many won't be internet savvy enough to get masks etc either.
There was an old lady in the Tesco queue and I asked if asked if she would like me to get her anything and bring it out (I'd just put on an n95 mask and fresh gloves) but she was only there for that days evening standard - which they didn't have. 😕 she went in anyway (MH issues).
The govt should have made smarter rules about self isolating in virtual households. If 2 at risk people take no risks then they are not a danger to each other. Ffs it's not rocket science.

BenScalesIsAGod · 21/05/2020 17:27

Can’t you just meet someone outside and stay 2m away?

Lovemusic33 · 21/05/2020 17:30

My elderly grandmother is on her own, my aunt is going into her as her carer but she’s really struggling, she had a fall a few weeks ago and it really knocked her mental health, she’s scared she will never see the outside world again, that she won’t see her grandchildren and great grandchildren, she’s 94 years old, she knows if she gets Covid she won’t survive but she would rather see her family then risk never seeing them again.

There are people with already serious mental health issues who are alone with hardly any support. People stuck in flats, people with no family to chat to on the phone 😢. There’s also people waiting for cancer treatment and surgery. People are going to die that don’t have Covid, caused by the lockdown.

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2020 17:30

It is hard to be alone OP, but really, who is "they" and why should you worry about them?
From the very start I have followed my own common sense and expected others to do the same. I am doing shopping for several family members, even when they are not considered vulnerable but they feel that they are, and at the same time I have very elderley relatives who are taking themselves out every day. That's their choice as adults based on their own assessment of the risk and I respect that.
I have sat outside with my mum at least twice a week and couldn't give a shit about curtain twitchers. Report away!
I have seen my DP who lives alone, and gone for walks with a friend, 2 metres apart because I think the risk from that is tiny.
I wear a mask to go shopping and don't get on the bus etc but if I had a friend who called and needed to see me I would be there.
Stop waiting for The Government to tell you what to do and make your own decisions. Call someone. Go out. Have fun.

heartsonacake · 21/05/2020 17:31

I don't understand why people living alone haven't been considered a priority for first steps of reintroducing normal contact, or some knd of exception/social bubble thing.

Why should they? Confused You’re a grown adult, you can cope. It’s only been two months.

Everyone has a reason why they should be allowed to do this or be the first to do that.

m0therofdragons · 21/05/2020 17:34

Do we have to play top trumps of who gets the shittiest deal? People alone - really tough, people in relationships - really tough (domestic abuse increasing), those with dc - really tough (balancing own mental health with that of dc Mh plus education while you’re working), those losing their jobs - really tough.

Can’t we just all acknowledge it’s hard and the lifting of lockdown is being done on a combination of impact on science and the economy so single people aren’t the priority in that sense, it doesn’t mean you don’t matter and people don’t care though.

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 17:34

I really don’t think it’s true that “most people” could easily just produce a partner/family member/close friend with a large enough house and the willingness to let an extra person move in, like a rabbit out of a hat. Or that most people would be practically able to just abandon their own homes and pets indefinitely and move house on very short notice.

I don’t know anyone in a position where they could just easily move in with someone else. The OP did, but most people don’t have that as an option.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 21/05/2020 17:35

I suspect children can travel between houses for childcare reasons (not to overwhelm schools) and legal reasons (not to overwhelm the courts) The Tories dgaf about the wellbeing of kids- children with no siblings have also been shafted with lockdown and can't go out to see a friend without an adult enabling it so cant take advantage of the see one friend rule.

From what I see when I go out people are seeing other households outdoors. They are hugging friends and family, touching each other's dogs... If you have friends and family who aren't shielding and aren't going out with every Tom, Dick and Harry then I think that you should just meet them if they are happy to do the same.

The police are not enforcing the rules strictly ime. I live by the park and the police patrol it by horse every day. I suspect that the only people who get fined are the ones who are shitty when the police speak to them.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 21/05/2020 17:36

I think you're a grown adult and you can use your common sense. You don't have to wait for permission from the government if you and another friend want to meet up, clearly. I'm all for following the rules but if you're genuinely worried for your mental stability then you might need to make other plans.

So yanbu for wanting contact with others but yabu for expecting to be granted permission. That's not the way it works.

I would suggest making your own bubble of you and one other friend who see each other but no one else.

Paintedmaypole · 21/05/2020 17:37

I think what this thread has shown is that different people are finding things difficult in different ways and you can't say any particular group is suffering more. I have felt very sorry for some people who are isolated caring for someone with high needs and challenging behaviour. I am still fucking angry about that comment implying that older people would not care about transmitting a fatal illness to children though.

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 17:39

Believing the grass to be greener on the other side, isn't anything new.
Well said.

Do we have to play top trumps of who gets the shittiest deal?

Also well said.

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2020 17:39

Its so weird. People think i am a chatty sociable person but lockdown has made me realise I could happily live alone on a remote island for bloody months without seeing a soul! Finally getting that "Hell is other people" quote..
We are all different aren't we!

derxa · 21/05/2020 17:42

We chose to save a few of the old and sick over the young. We chose the wrong path as I have been saying since lock down. It's looking like that Xenia I haven't seen my DH for months. I've now been diagnosed with BC so damn right he's coming up to Scotland to look after me.
The government's path was neither fish nor fowl.

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 17:43

Can’t you just meet someone outside and stay 2m away?

Yes. I'll ask my GP, my DC's teachers and my dead parents and see who fancies it. Oh, wait. I can ask my dentist too.

Bluebellpainting · 21/05/2020 17:43

I don't understand why people living alone haven't been considered a priority for first steps of reintroducing normal contact, or some knd of exception/social bubble thing.

But if you introduce one exception where does it stop? You say that you would allow lone parents to be included but then what about people who’s partner work away, or those in house shares. You argue that your number of contacts is low so you should be the exception but that doesn’t necessary apply to lone parents or those in house shares. You are not unreasonable to feel lonely, frustrated and want to have more contact but you are being unreasonable to think that living alone means you should get special treatment. As countless others have pointed out- it is difficult for people but in difficult ways. I say this as someone who is home with a baby on their own for weeks at a time atm so get the loneliness but I do not expect special exceptions made for me.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 21/05/2020 17:44

I don’t think the government not allowing single people special exemption from the guidelines to go for a hug can be called neglect. Children having no formal education for months, businesses left without support, patients who’s urgent surgery that’s been cancelled, their needs have been neglected.

I do understand where you are coming from, but this situation is shit for the majority, the rules can’t be bent for one group because then it becomes a game of top trumps of who’s suffering the most and who should be allowed special treatment.

MasakaBuzz · 21/05/2020 17:48

I live alone, and I do understand where you are coming from. I am fortunate that I have a dog and a cat, but I also recognised my limitations, and have created my own “bubble” right from the start.

There are 3 people who I have met regularly since Lockdown began.

1 - I walk round the park each evening for about 15 minutes. We are outside, and have no physical contact. I have not implemented social distancing there. Our normal one metre apart is fine.
2) I talk to from the gate or whilst she is in the car.
3) I meet in the park or her garden maintaining social distancing.

Hugs are not something that are really part of my life. I can go months between them.

I do think it’s hard for single people and I don’t think we are high on anyone’s priority list. Equally however I recognise it’s harder for people living with abusers, or trying to wrangle autistic, and disabled children.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 17:49

thesuperfluousone Thu 21-May-20 17:43:18
Can’t you just meet someone outside and stay 2m away?

Yes. I'll ask my GP, my DC's teachers and my dead parents and see who fancies it. Oh, wait. I can ask my dentist too.
......
I can't answer for your dead parents but your GP, DC's teachers and dentist will all talk to you on telephone or Skype or whatever, if you need them for anything.

You could meet a friend outside and keep distance, people do - they even go for a walk or run together keeping 2m apart, then stop and have a chat.