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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2020 16:40

YANBU and frankly I’m fed up of people who don’t live on their own being so sanctimonious about “stay home”. Yeah it’s alright for you being with your family, I didn’t see anyone for 6 weeks so I’m sorry but now the rules have relaxed slightly I’ll make the occasional exception to see my friends/family.

Totally agree with this and I’m with my family.

There’s a lot of ‘lockdown privilege’ being unacknowledged at the minute.

Aroundtheroaringcandle · 21/05/2020 16:42

I think how you feel is completely understandable OP. I have been finding it really hard all day every day with my toddler, and feeling a little like those I know without kids don’t quite get how hard it is. But actually, I am getting lovely cuddles throughout the day when I would otherwise be at work while he was at nursery. In terms of mental health I think you’re right that living alone would be harder, for me anyway. It’s good to be reminded I should be more grateful for my hugs!

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/05/2020 16:42

@Xenia let's run through it again.

Forget the "old and sick" (you're good at that). 20% of people with mild COVID will be seriously ill for 6 weeks or more. Of the rest, many will feel really rough for a week or two.

Now run that through the population and work out the impact of having a good third of your workforce (the sick and those required to care for them at home) absent at the same time.

What do you think that's going to do for business and services? How well will schools and hospitals and public transport function with a third of their employees suddenly missing in action? How diligently and cheerfully will people continue to live and work when they see people falling sick all around them?

This was never about the sick and vulnerable. Your tory mates feel exactly as you do about them.

formerbabe · 21/05/2020 16:43

We chose to save a few of the old and sick over the young. We chose the wrong path as I have been saying since lock down

I agree. I believe if this disease killed children rather than elderly primarily, the older generation would not accept this lockdown so lightly

Makes me sick that childrens education, friendships, mental health has been sacrificed like this.

These are the same people who object to speed cameras...and refuse to moderate their driving to make roads safer... oh the irony.

I haven't seen an ounce of gratitude from those we're supposed to be protecting

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 16:44

Finding some of the replies here seem to be completely missing the point of what I've written.

I don't understand why people living alone haven't been considered a priority for first steps of reintroducing normal contact, or some knd of exception/social bubble thing. I also don't understand why the particular difficulties of living alone at this time aren't really being talked about, whilst other difficulties, eg. keeping DC entertained, childcare issues, food deliveries, etc are talked about/in the news etc.

People are willfully misunderstanding my point about DC moving between households. Not really sure how to make it any clearer. My point is that they are considering social factors more important the covid risk, in certain circumstances, so why not some consideration for single people, even after two months?

It's not just being without hugs. It's not being able to meet with anyone in private, share a meal or anything with another human. Worse, it's about being separated from ALL your loved ones. I was very close with a friend and their DC, sort of a surrogate family or something! It is so painful to have them ripped away overnight (also friend is single so if we could form a "bubble" it would be mutually beneficial as I would be delighted to help out with DC). Friends matter more when you don't have a family of your own. My wider family are all so far away I don't know when I'm going to see them again as it requires a long train journey. I know everyone is separated from lovd ones, but to be separated from them ALL is so, so hard. I've reached the stage where it's like my subconscious, or my body, is just having some kind of trauma response, no matter how much my rational brain knows why I've lost everyone at once.

Meeting single friends from 2m away does make a huge difference. Although it's difficult when most of your friends are families/couples/living with others to actually arrange much. But yes, it helps.

I'm also not saying that single people have it worst. But other difficulties seem to be more acknowledged. And there is something very specific about human touch and normal interactin with at least one other person that is so important to mental health and yet ignored.

FWIW if I was making the rules and did something for people living alone, I would include lone parent with full time care and lone carers as "single" people. Or maybe that they could have one extra person visit their household. Not for the touch reason but the adult company reason specifically.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 16:46

LomonyCupcake, I think some children are badly affected by lockdown. Those who are used to being sociable must find it very hard, then there are children who have special needs and behaviour problems, that must be a nightmare for them and their parents. I have to say I believe it is much easier to be completely on your own than to be with young children all the time. At least if you're alone you can sleep, watch TV, read when you want without interruption or calls on your services. I'm very glad this hasn't happened at a time when I had a child at home - though no doubt we'd have managed, people do.

There's an awful lot many of us can do locally from our computers, that's worth looking into and at least we'd feel we are doing something to help other than just not spreading infection.

BelfryBat · 21/05/2020 16:46

YANBU, I live on my own and also can't hear well enough to use the phone easily. This means that my interaction with other people has been limited to social media and text messages for 10 weeks. I've had two phone conversations with a friend, but it's hard work for me.

However, what really annoys me is that the government has done the lockdown halfheartedly. People are not distancing and they are meeting up in public places. COVID is on the rise again and I can't see the lockdown ending any time soon. It's very frustrating and if I thought about it too much, I'd get upset as well.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 21/05/2020 16:49

@formerbabe

I agree with every single word you've said.

Its all true and it really disgusts me that noone cares about any suffering apart from covid suffering. Its vile.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 21/05/2020 16:50

I have a relative who lives alone.They have received a telephone call from their Housing Association asking if they are okay and if they need help with obtaining shopping or medicines.

Their pension company has contacted them for the above reasons too. In addition they have received a note through their door from a family they don't know, offering the same help and also leaving a telephone number 'just in case you need to chat".

The crisis has brought out the best in a lot of people.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 21/05/2020 16:51

I voted YABU not because I think loneliness isn’t hard but because for most people there was a choice. You could have moved with someone at the beginning of lockdown (especially people in relationships that are living separately, but also people who could have moved in with friends or family). But of course this means less privacy and alone time, less space etc.
So basically yes it is hard to be on your own but it is also hard to be with people 24/7 especially with children and no garden, therefore no I don’t think you should «get priority».

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 16:51

@LemonyCupcake I'm 36 and shielding and massively affected
Everyone with my condition is generally a child, they're all shielding. It's a condition that affects children from babies to around primary school age when they generally grow out of it
Leukaemia, blood cancers. Young people. Shielding
Brain tumours, sickle cell, cystic fibrosis...

My parents are in their 70s and only have to social distance, not shield

MockneyReject · 21/05/2020 16:52

I would fucking love to only have myself to think about, in all this-
I'm actually jealous of anyone who lives alone!

MockneyReject · 21/05/2020 16:54

My point bring that everyone reckons their version of lockdown is the worst/hardest.
Believing the grass to be greener on the other side, isn't anything new.

formerbabe · 21/05/2020 16:54

Its all true and it really disgusts me that noone cares about any suffering apart from covid suffering

Yes I think of all the medical appointments and procedures people are missing at the moment...my own DD has missed several appointments and both my DC are now overdue for eyetests. Yes, this is fairly minor I know. But we're sacrificing our economy, our mental health, our physical health, our dcs education. This is ridiculous. More children die from knife crime and road traffic accidents than from covid but no one seems to give a dam about that.

MarginalGain · 21/05/2020 16:55

Forget the "old and sick" (you're good at that). 20% of people with mild COVID will be seriously ill for 6 weeks or more. Of the rest, many will feel really rough for a week or two.

Now run that through the population and work out the impact of having a good third of your workforce (the sick and those required to care for them at home) absent at the same time.

What do you think that's going to do for business and services? How well will schools and hospitals and public transport function with a third of their employees suddenly missing in action? How diligently and cheerfully will people continue to live and work when they see people falling sick all around them?

--

The fraction of the unshielded, yet uninfected population that will require extensive time off work owing to coronavirus is nothing even approaching the current economic wreckage of lockdown. It's miniscule.

LemonyCupcake · 21/05/2020 16:55

@Lynda07 I agree - I have 3 kids who are affected by lockdown

@ClientQ -yes, those who need to shield should shield ofc - I don’t think we should be locking up the entire population any longer for the sake of a tiny minority

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 16:55

Of course there's scope for lonely and isolated people to get contact

I'd love to know how.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 16:55

TurtleTortoise Thu 21-May-20 16:44:18
Finding some of the replies here seem to be completely missing the point of what I've written.
I don't understand why people living alone haven't been considered a priority for first steps of reintroducing normal contact, or some knd of exception/social bubble thing. I also don't understand why the particular difficulties of living alone at this time aren't really being talked about, whilst other difficulties, eg. keeping DC entertained, childcare issues, food deliveries, etc are talked about/in the news etc.
......
I think that is because most of us see those with young children are having a harder time than us. It's not a question of people outdoing each other with hardship, it's just a fact. We don't have other people to consider. That may be sad in some respects but also gives us peace and freedom which we would not have with lively kids. On this forum alone there have been loads of threads started by parents at the end of their tether, far more than from single people.

The biggest worry for single people on lockdown is if they have a health issue; those who don't could wake up one morning with an illness of sudden onset or have an accident at home. We have to be very careful to avoid accidents and vigilant about any symptoms.

There are social bubbles on the internet which people can join if they wish and ways of making a positive contribution to them.

None of this is going to be perfect but we can't expect 'normality' right now, only hope it won't last too many more weeks.

formerbabe · 21/05/2020 16:57

work out the impact of having a good third of your workforce (the sick and those required to care for them at home) absent at the same time. What do you think that's going to do for business and services?

Imagine being forced to close for several months...what would that do to businesses? Oh wait....

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 21/05/2020 16:58

I agree that some people are making their own bubbles, you can still manage to be in lock down or self isolation and maintain enough social activity PROVIDED you are prepared to ring people regularly.

I understand not all people feel confident to do so on their own, but I don’t understand why we need to put people at risk so they can have access to casual social contact that they do not find intimidating to initiate.

MarginalGain · 21/05/2020 17:00

I would be losing my shit if I had toddlers. I don't think I would cope.

I'm not sure which would be worse, being alone or being with toddlers 24x7.

But it's clear that even a majority of the British public are enjoying themselves and would like the lockdown to continue. It's not extremely commonplace to be struggling. We can afford to expend some of our empathy ratio on these people, extravagantly even.

TheNortherner · 21/05/2020 17:02

@TurtleTortoise

Perhaps you misunderstood my post. You are right that people address entertaining children etcetera and I'm not even bothered by the hugs issue. As a single parent you get overlooked because people only seem to care about the children lol.

I as an adult, miss being physically in the same room as another adult and having a conversation or not as the case may be and no zoom calls can replace that or the small interactions that are lost on comms.via a computer.

Paintedmaypole · 21/05/2020 17:03

If this virus killed children rather than the elderly the older generation would not accept lockdown so readily . This is an outrageous insult. Do you think they would want their grandchildren to die! I cannot express how angry that remark makes me. I am late 60s, in the sheltering group and I am isolating primarily for other people. I would far rather die now after a satisfying life than that one of my grandchildren should become seriously ill.Angry

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 17:03

Turtle this "I also don't understand why the particular difficulties of living alone at this time aren't really being talked about, whilst other difficulties, eg. keeping DC entertained, childcare issues, food deliveries, etc are talked about/in the news etc."

just is not true though.

One google search brings up an endless list of articles from the BBC, every broadsheet, glossy magazine websites, health and mental health sites and charities. Social media is also full of memes and trite sacharine bites on the subject (that last source being utterly useless - but so are the facile posts about not bothering with homeschooling because teachers are superheros - which certainly didn't originate with a real teacher...)

RichardMarxisinnocent · 21/05/2020 17:04

janetmendoza personally I only live close enough to my boyfriend and one close friend to be able to take advantage of the meet one person rule, and i have met both of them. I have no car so my other close friends are 1.5 hours, 2.5 hours and the other end of the country away by public transport, and my family are between 2 and 5 hours away.

I dont think the OP was right to suggest it is worse for single people, because I don't think we should be arguing over who has it worse. It's pretty shit for quite a lot of people, just in different ways for different people and different situations. I certainly wouldn't want to be trying to do my job while also caring for young children.
I also think that people saying that it's perfectly fine for them so how can it possibly be awful for someone else, isn't at all helpful. It doesn't suddenly make me not feel lonely, or feel happy about not having a clue when I will be able to visit my best friend and her family, or see my dad (who has no Internet so no zoom calls to him).