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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 21/05/2020 16:01

We need some sort of AP where each person can enter their particular details, covid living conditions, cohabitees or lack of, access to hugs, living with oppressors, access to gardens/balconys/beaches/bikes, stresses, happiness/misery ratings, deprivations, work, lack of work, income, lack of income, home schooling stressors, etc. Then the AP can rate us all and decide who is the most worthy/unworthy, who has suffered the most, who is benfitting from lockdown & deliver us all with a comparitive score.

AP will then decide who is worth enough for a supermarket delivery slot and who gets to go out into "normal" life first.

I'll get right on it. It will rival TikTok.

Majorcollywobble · 21/05/2020 16:03

If you lived in Hebden Bridge you’d have no problem . Quite a few people are protesting on the streets about this heartless government and hugs and kisses are being exchanged quite happily . Now you are able to travel you might like a visit - if you have no local friend who is up for it .

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 16:03

SpooniesAreGo your posts are about a very specific minority of people living alone - those with mental illnessess. I absolutely agree that people with mental illness wo live alone and have no/ a very fragile social network are being shamefully neglected in some cases, and that this may lead to deaths or at least a worstening of pre existing mental illness.

That isn't what the OP is about though - the OP is a temper tantrum about wanting special exceptions to lockdown made for any and every adult who lives by themselves.

MarginalGain · 21/05/2020 16:04

U2HasTheEdge so you're ok with people dying of coronavirus by ending the lockdown now but you're concerned people might take their lives because of bad mental health?

The rationale for the lockdown as it was presented to the public was to 'flatten the curve' so that the NHS could cope.

People seem to have forgotten this.

It wasn't 'lockdown the public until the risk of coronavirus disappears'.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 16:07

That isn't what the OP is about though - the OP is a temper tantrum about wanting special exceptions to lockdown made for any and every adult who lives by themselves.

What a display of ignorance.

LakieLady · 21/05/2020 16:08

I’m considered extremely high risk of suicide and have been left with zero MH support. Due to disability and ASD I sometimes struggle to meet my basic needs. There is simply no support or care available for people like me

Are you not even getting telephone support, @SpooniesAreGo? My mate manages a mental health recovery centre, and all her staff are still supporting their clients, but by phone, Skype etc. And the CPNs are still working, too.

LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2020 16:09

the OP is a temper tantrum about wanting special exceptions to lockdown made for any and every adult who lives by themselves.

Fuck me, great to see empathy well and truly dead. Hmm

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 16:11

Thanks for the links, AllIMissNowIsTheSea.

Hopefully they will be read by some of the posters who constantly howl that isolated and vulnerable/mentally ill people are selfish murderers for wanting the tiniest bit of, I was going to say sympathy, but it’s not even sympathy, just an acknowledgement that the situation is really shit for isolated people, rather than to be endlessly told how selfish we are, that we want people to die, and that we can’t possibly be suffering because they’re alone and they’re perfectly happy sunbathing in the garden/their auntie Edna hosts full-scale dinner parties though the conservatory window/Zoom, that we probably didn’t even have any friends before so why are we whinging it’s not like anything has changed, and anyway if we’re that that lonely why don’t we just single handedly start a volunteer organisation, pull yourselves up by your bootstraps come on chop chop!!

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 16:12

Iwalkinmyclothin it'S not "a display of ignorance"; it is a direct resposnse to the words:

" why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?"

in the openning post!

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/05/2020 16:12

Yes it's nonsensical in the extreme. When lockdown started a friend and I agreed we would isolate and stay safe then on weekends we would drive to each other's (we alternate homes) stay the sat night and go Sunday. It's the only thing that's kept me sane. That and Lidl's version of grey goose vodka, and my garden.
I'd walk my dog and see groups of people in shops, parks etc, all adding to the numbers and making it less safe for me - and realise we did the right thing. None of my neighbours have batted an eyelid, in fact I've told two of them and they are totally fine. Hers haven't either. Apart from that I have been a model citizen and none of it causes any risk to anyone else and that's all I care about.
So if anyone else is in their own and have a good friend on their own and neither of you have been in contact with risk go for it! The first two weeks I get.. while you find out if you've got it. After that I'll be dammed if I watch hordes of people out having fun while I am on my own the whole time,

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 16:16

And yes I know vulnerable/MH only make up a minority of people who live alone. Obviously I’m not saying that everyone who lives alone is vulnerable.

But there have been lots of MH-bashing threads here recently where anyone with MH needs is treated like a selfish snowflake and told to get over themselves.

Paintedmaypole · 21/05/2020 16:19

I would far rather be a single person isolating on my own than be stuck in a flat with three bored children and a bloke who is in a miserable mood because he is worried about losing his job. (I am not in either of those situations as it happens). People are finding this difficult for varying reasons. I am aother one who can manage fine without hugs.

TheNortherner · 21/05/2020 16:19

I agree that adults living alone have not been considered, I say that because as a single parent of two young kids who has looked after them 24/7 during lockdown on my own and had to deal with their emotional fallout plus attempting to work and home school, I have felt very alone and a failure at everything!

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 16:21

TheNortherner Flowers

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 16:23

SpooniesAreGo Thu 21-May-20 15:03:00
A couple of people have suggested that if you’re vulnerable and living alone, that you get someone to move in to care for you.

I’m considered extremely high risk of suicide and have been left with zero MH support. Due to disability and ASD I sometimes struggle to meet my basic needs. There is simply no support or care available for people like me.
..
That's very sad, Spoonies. I agree the Mental Health service is woefully inadequate at the best of times, all that happens is handing out pills (I know having been under their 'care' for long periods); now it's worse than ever.

However, would you actually want someone to be with you all the time? I imagine it could work if you had a big house in which the 'carer' had their own couple of rooms, they checked on your regularly and you called on them if needed a hand but most people don't have that. I live in a standard three bed semi and if anyone lived with me, we'd be falling on top of each other most of the time, never mind sharing the one bathroom (two toilets thankfully). I can't imagine anything worse.

Also people with mental health problems are all different. Many lap up solitude and feel better for it.

This dreadful situation is not going to last forever, we have to hang on to that thought. We can still access emergency medical treatment if we're taken ill or have an accident, the hospitals aren't just open for Covid-19 patients.

nuitdesetoiles · 21/05/2020 16:27

YANBU OP. I really feel for you..the effects of this imposed isolation are going to be devastating for many people. We should have had social bubbles from the start...we started ours with one other family after the 3 week compliance for the sake of all our sanity..and that doesn't make us heartless or murderers it makes us human.

We're coming out of this lockdown painstakingly slowly, even compared to other equally as afflicted nationals in Europe. I live in a city, I'm a health professional. I know of a handful of mild positive cases either personally or professionally. I do know however of many individuals who've had their entire interpersonal world stripped away who are slowly sinking into despair, apathy, inertia.

There's a slim chance if you catch this thing you could get it severely, to children a tiny risk children and those in low risk groups are now being disproportionately punished in my opinion, I still don't get why healthy low risk individuals so terrified of dying when they'd be more likely to die of an accident?? And why are children "terrified" of it? Who's put that into their head?

littlemeitslyn · 21/05/2020 16:29

Hug from adult son visiting, otherwise nothing for months ☹️

BooFuckingHoo2 · 21/05/2020 16:30

YANBU and frankly I’m fed up of people who don’t live on their own being so sanctimonious about “stay home”. Yeah it’s alright for you being with your family, I didn’t see anyone for 6 weeks so I’m sorry but now the rules have relaxed slightly I’ll make the occasional exception to see my friends/family.

Xenia · 21/05/2020 16:31

We chose to save a few of the old and sick over the young. We chose the wrong path as I have been saying since lock down.

randomer · 21/05/2020 16:34

Which path would you like@Xenia?

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 16:38

You realise the sick are also young? It's not elderly that are all shielding

janetmendoza · 21/05/2020 16:38

I'm not getting this really turtle. You say your close friends and family are torn away but why aren't you meeting them? You must know that is allowed one on one. Do they not want to meet? God I loathe being hugged by friends and am so happy I now have a good reason not to! We are still meeting for walks runs picnics...tho. It is lovely I am happy to see them. Your op is annoyingly one size fits all. I accept its true from your perspective, but no not everyone feels like you.

LemonyCupcake · 21/05/2020 16:39

@Xenia well said -agree

Absolute madness - our young people need to get on with their lives , uk has gone mad

There is no lockdown in Scandinavia any more - it’s because Brits are so unhealthy that we have seen such losses

Lovemusic33 · 21/05/2020 16:40

I agree OP, I feel so much for anyone living alone right now.

I’m single but have 2 teens living at home so am not alone, I can’t remember the last time I had a hug, my kids have ASD and never hug but I feel lucky to have them with me. I can’t imagine being totally alone, I think if I was I would have moved in with my mum or a friend at the beginning of lockdown.

The harm this is having on people’s mental health is going to be huge.

LemonyCupcake · 21/05/2020 16:40

@ClientQ not the case , the young are barely affected

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