Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/05/2020 15:25

Lockdown is different for everyone. I live alone and don't identify with the OP's experience but that doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge it.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 21/05/2020 15:26

I'm someone who doesn't like to be hugged. I'm fine with you hugging someone, just make sure you have their consent. It's not just about you, the other person should not be hugged agsinst their will.

I am not sure what you are getting at here? I'm not talking about running up to random strangers and hugging them. I hug my boyfriend and my close friends who I known for years {30 and 40 years in two cases). I am pretty sure I know them well enough to know that they are happy to me hugged, and they also initiate hugs. If it was my comment about taking a hug from anyone, it was a figure of speech, I am not going to be hugging the supermarket checkout person against their will.

StayinginSummer · 21/05/2020 15:29

YABU not because some single people arent feeling lonely, I’m sure some are, but don’t presume people on their own are the worst.

We are all going through very individual experiences and it’s not a competition to see who is the worst. Also, this has enhanced as much mental well-being as it is taken. Many reporting less stress, realizing who is most important. I know I’ve kept in touch with my family lots more, esp those who are now on their own. We chat loads. They are not lonely.

However if you need to see someone, then I would. I’d pick one friend, or family, and see how much they are prepared to also be careful with their contacts. Then give them a hug!

Personally I’m stuck living with a man who doesn’t love me and immediately started hooking up with random women outside the house in secret. I’d much rather be on my own!

Plenty of women in abusive situations. Plenty of people worried about loss of business. Also many people grieving. I’m happy to put them first.

didofido · 21/05/2020 15:30

Much better than being isolated with a quarrelsome partner. Happy to be a widow when this happened.
But going to visit my younger daughter & her kids next week. We will be outside - and not hugging.

applesandoranges221 · 21/05/2020 15:31

I agree - I'm anti lockdown ( or certainly anti lockdown for THIS long) anyway but living on my own has made it a hundred times worse.

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/05/2020 15:32

The world doesnt just divide into two neat categories "those with the virus" and "those without" @U2HasTheEdge. Do you think being single and isolated makes you immune?

Will the OP be less lonely if she's sick? Will people be happy to meet up when they are?

Some people with COVID get dangerously ill. Another 20% of those with "mild" COVID are seriously ill for 6 weeks or more. So just "lifting the lockdown" isnt magically going to set us all up for a great social experience. I imagine the more illness there is out there, the less people are going to feel safe leaving their homes.

crazybutkind · 21/05/2020 15:32

My dad is alone and already struggles with mental health and he doesn't live near us my concern for him is growing more and more. He won't tell anyone if he is struggling he won't swallow his pride. My sister has been taking him food parcels. He has very little income and has had a long ongoing battle with pension and benefits. We are going for a walk on Sunday afternoon which will be the first time I have seen him since feb and I will be giving him a hug, probably more than one, might even push the boat out and give him a kiss. Myself and my sister had concerns he would take his own life just before Xmas and we genuinely thought we might get a phone call one day saying he has taken his own life.

crazychemist · 21/05/2020 15:32

I’m sorry to hear that you’re missing out on human contact, and that it’s making you feel so sad.

Really, can you maximise the contact you do have? Arrange to meet up with people in public spaces and stay 2m away? It’s not the same as a hug, but you could do it quite frequently and it might help. Alternatively, do you have another single friend who has been isolating that you could spend time with?

I assume that it will not be more than another month until lots of restrictions are lifted. It is suggested that the hospitality industry is going to be at least partially opened in July, so surely at that time you will be able to have more contact with friends?

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 21/05/2020 15:33

Flowers OP. It must be tough. I'm gutted I can't yet go and see my mum, due to a stupid logistical anomaly, yet most people will apparently be able to do so next week. Seeing her and not being able to hug her might be worse, though.

Coffeecak3 · 21/05/2020 15:36

@crazybutkind it’s awful isn’t it? I’m with you on hugging your dad.
I’m not sure if I’ll have to quarantine when I get to the uk. I just want to see my dad so badly.

Fatted · 21/05/2020 15:38

As someone who has regularly been traveling around and seeing other people through the entire length of lockdown without consequence, just bloody go and visit your family. Who is really going to stop you?! Why do you have to wait for Boris to tell you it's OK?

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 15:38

Why does anyone (except the medically vulnerable) need to be “put first”? Why is there this idea that empathy is in limited supply?

The point the OP was making wasn’t that isolated people should get special treatment, but that sometimes it feels like we’re being singled out as the only group to not be acknowledged as suffering.

Every day, I read zillions of things in the press and on social media about the negative impact lockdown is having on children, parents, students, young people, women in abusive relationships, etc. Nothing about isolated people, and if we are mentioned it’s to talk about how lucky we are. A journalist I follow on Twitter has been tweeting about how single people need to stfu since they are basically all just on holiday, and we can’t possibly understand how gruelling and demanding lockdown is for people like him who have kids. He’s furloughed on full pay, lives in the country, big garden, not isolated, not trying to wfh with kids.

It feels like isolated/vulnerable people are the ONLY group who are being overlooked in the Selective Empathy Sweepstakes, and the only group being told to stfu and that we’re actually really fortunate and being selfish for having fears or needs.

Iwillhavetea · 21/05/2020 15:42

I get you. My five year olds mood is low. She's clearly lost. Poor things gone from 5 days a week to a class of 4/5 year olds and having all that fun. To walking around the house and garden all day alone. She has a toddler brother but he's not on her level and can't play games yet.

She is best mates with a boy with no siblings. His mum's also my friend. They live down the road. Our children really really need to see eachother. But they can't. Because only one from a different househlold can mix. What's the difference between me and my friend sitting in the grass then going home to our kids or our kids being allowed to sit a meter apart on the grass with us and have a chat?

Emotionally I've copied fine until the last couple of weeks. But honestly I feel sad now. My birthday was early april. That was the last time I spoke to someone from a distance face to face that I don't live with. My brain is screaming for life.

I can't even imagine how horrible it has been for single mums. Single people living alone or the ones who can't even go out for a walk.

alreadytaken · 21/05/2020 15:42

In some parts of the country there are community or NHS volunteers who will make phone calls to those feeling lonely. If you live alone and are lonely become one of the volunteers. Unless you are deaf or dumb you can give something back and be less lonely yourself. There is also an email service so even if dumb what are you doing to help yourself?

If you have no such service set one up.

LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2020 15:49

I totally agree with you OP. The social bubbles should have been worked into the plan from the very start. We are social beings (mostly) and human interaction is crucial for us.

We need to find a way of getting back to more normality soon. The costs of this approach are too high.

Jaxhog · 21/05/2020 15:50

You are assuming that people who live alone don't have any friends. or access to technology. My mum, for example, gets a daily visit from my sister, who sits in a folding chair outside her window, daily calls or Facetimes from me and my brothers, cousins etc. We also have a family WhatsApp group. She also goes for a walk every day.

Other single friends have similar.

You don't have to physically touch people to have company. It is harder, certainly, but it shouldn't be THAT hard. And probably easier than single mums with children tbh.

Jaxhog · 21/05/2020 15:52

My guess also is that people who feel isolated during Lockdown, were probably isolated before too. So not all that much has changed.

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 15:52

But Jaxhog plenty of isolated people don’t have these things. You can’t make assumptions one way or the other.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 15:54

It feels like isolated/vulnerable people are the ONLY group who are being overlooked in the Selective Empathy Sweepstakes, and the only group being told to stfu and that we’re actually really fortunate and being selfish for having fears or needs.

That's just not true though. There is absolutely endless talk about living alone in lockdown and mental health. Endless. Mental health is as important as physical health and mental illness is real and life threatening sometimes absolutely - but social media has twisted the concept of mental health to the point where it's become a buzzword used to mean people without any history of mental illness should be allowed to do anything they want if they justify it by claiming it is for their mental health.

There are endless articles and social media posts on the impact of lonliness on mental health during lockdown. It's not an overlooked or neglected topic, it's everywhere, from mainstream media to memes to serious publications to fluffy glossy magazine articles!

www.bbc.com/news/world-52196816

graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/coronavirus-lockdown-single-people-alone/

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/coronavirus/coping-with-loneliness

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/coronavirus-mental-health-self-isolate-how-to-manage-quarantine-a9404431.html

graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/coronavirus-lockdown-single-people-alone/

www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/things-to-do-at-home

StatementKnickers · 21/05/2020 15:55

@emmathedilemma I voted YABU and have lived alone during lockdown and in fact for the last 10 years and more. Maybe I'm more used to solitude than the OP. I do really miss seeing my parents but I don't feel they've been "torn away by this cold-hearted government" - they are both in their late 70s and it's my choice not to visit them as I wouldn't dream of putting them at risk. As for human contact, I can go ages without hugs anyway, unless I'm babysitting! Where I live there is a strong community and friendly neighbours (which I've actively encouraged over the last few years, because that stuff makes a difference when you are on your own), and I've been helping older ones with shopping and things like that. There have been lonely moments, but on balance I'd rather be alone than trying to entertain toddlers, home-school children, or tolerate an irritating DH/DP in lockdown conditions. One has to find positives and make the best of things.

@TurtleTortoise I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. What are you doing to stay connected to other people? Are you working / volunteering? And what do you actually think the government could or should have done for people like us? I can't think of anything that wouldn't have increased the risk of spreading the virus, and for economic reasons I think we do now have to prioritise getting children back to school and parents back to work.

LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2020 15:56

You don't have to physically touch people to have company. It is harder, certainly, but it shouldn't be THAT hard. And probably easier than single mums with children tbh.

I couldn’t go without physical touch from another human for that long.

I’m locked down with husband, 2 small kids, wfh and I think being by myself would be much, much worse.

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 15:56

So not all that much has changed.

Except that we’ve had all our mental health support removed.

Many extremely vulnerable people had only a paper-thin layer of support prior to lockdown. That layer might be MH support, it might be seeing one friend, it might be a hobbyist group.

For many of the most vulnerable and isolated, their entire (already extremely flimsy) support system has been completely taken away. To you, not being able to see a friend or attend a hobby group might be insignificant. To someone who was already intensely vulnerable, that minor loss could literally be life or death.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/05/2020 15:57

I haven't read all of the replies but my friend has been with her partner for 5 years. They don't live together for various reasons but are both happy with this arrangement and (pre lockdown) see each other every weekend and an overnight stay in the week at one of their houses.

At the moment they have not seen each other since the start of lockdown but they have decided that this weekend they will. They both live alone, work from home at the moment and have made sure neither of them have visited a supermarket or any other 'high risk' places for two weeks to reduce risks.

She was so much happier and lighter after they made this decision as her mental health was suffering from being alone, in a 1 bedroom flat with no socialising of any kind.

I certainly am not judging her for her decision and would probably do the same.

YappityYapYap · 21/05/2020 16:00

U2HasTheEdge so you're ok with people dying of coronavirus by ending the lockdown now but you're concerned people might take their lives because of bad mental health? That's called being narrow minded and having tunnel vision to only what you care about, people with mental health issues. There is bound to be a happy medium where people don't take their lives over this lockdown and also minimal people die from the virus. It doesn't involve saying fuck it and letting the world resume and allowing thousands more to die though.

People are making sacrifices and it's hard but at least there's a chance to bring someone out of the abyss and support them into choosing to live, probably what your job involves, supporting these people. How can you bring back someone from the dead or someone that is about to die from an incurable virus though? What if people with mental health issues lose their friends or family to the virus? What if they get it themselves and have to self care? You're not thinking about the bigger picture. You're reacting to the immediate possibility that some people might not cope so everyone else and themselves have to take a huge risk against a virus we know little about. There's other things that can be done than totally ending the lockdown and keeping a strict one

cyclingmad · 21/05/2020 16:01

The single person has always been excluded from everything in every government, labour and Tories so it comes as no surprise.

Every time there are tax relief and help for anyone but a single person the only joy we have is discount on council tax oh how nice it's nowhere near enough.

So basically moral of the story is never expect any special consideration from any government if your a single person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread