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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/05/2020 14:58

Ah OP, this isn't your first thread. I know you're struggling without your friends hugs, the situation sucks for everyone in different ways.

There's not much you can do about it though. You can shout at the world but it won't help. I do feel for you.

LemonyCupcake · 21/05/2020 14:58

@Mintjulia but that’s the point -it’s been over ‘a couple of months ‘ with no end in sight

Bet you aren’t living alone to have posted that

AnotherEmma · 21/05/2020 14:58

Rockin
Just see him.

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 15:00

@Looneytune253 I'm shielding so don't want anyone coming in to care for me, extremely vulnerable but I don't need care. And if I moved in with my parents they would have to shield too or stay away which is tricky and they only have one bathroom
I can see everything going on outside which kind of makes it harder

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/05/2020 15:01

An awful lot of people are socially isolated

An awful lot of people are dead or sick. Know which I'd rather be.

I dont think many people are being hostile because they dont think being socially isolated can be damaging or awful (though funnily we are not that bothered by socially isolated older people in regular life), I think they're being hostile at the implication that they should risk their lives, and those of their loved ones, so that no- one is alone for a few weeks.

RockinTheLockdown · 21/05/2020 15:01

Another Emma, we would love to, but are being made to feel like criminals - not by our friends, who all encourage us to resume our normal lives - but by the Corona Police, those people who would gleefully report rule breakers.

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 15:02

@Porcupineinwaiting the issue is going to be if shielding is extended. It's 3 months so far (14 weeks by the time I go back to work if not extended)
It could be another 3, 6, 9 months Sad

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 15:03

A couple of people have suggested that if you’re vulnerable and living alone, that you get someone to move in to care for you.

I’m considered extremely high risk of suicide and have been left with zero MH support. Due to disability and ASD I sometimes struggle to meet my basic needs. There is simply no support or care available for people like me.

gingganggooleywotsit · 21/05/2020 15:03

I absolutely agree and feel for you op, it's really not fair. As others have said, why not take matters into your own hands, and meet up with one other person you know who has been isolating. Create your own bubble, your mental health needs this. Best of luck and hope you will get through this time.

WanderingMilly · 21/05/2020 15:04

I live alone. I'm clearly quite lucky in being perfectly happy on my own, I have loads of things to get on with, plenty of projects to do and I go for a walk down a totally deserted country lane every day - so I get fresh air and exercise (no garden).

I don't feel neglected in the slightest, I keep up with the news on TV, 'phone my relatives for regular chats (no, no zoom or anything) and write e-mails too.

My mental health is fine, very positive currently. I'm not missing hugs as I'm really not a "huggy" person anyway. I quite like being furloughed from my part-time job as I like a peaceful life, and I'm considering handing my notice in to be honest, as I could do without the hassle.

Can't see what the problem is. Compared to the poor people who are single parents, or who are trying juggle home education and wfh etc., I feel extremely lucky and wouldn't swap for the world....

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 15:04

Yanbu at all. The absolute focus on one single health issue to the exclusion of all others has been astonishing.

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 15:04

@SpooniesAreGo definitely. I'm extremely vulnerable in the government terms, in "normal" life I'm a fairly average person with no disability or mobility issues

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 15:06

Volunteering is a two way street which often brings as much to the volunteer as the recipient:

volunteeringmatters.org.uk/casestudy/volunteering-during-a-lockdown/

www.theguardian.com/society/2020/may/03/moments-of-magic-10-ways-to-help-others-in-lockdown-coronavirus-from-phone-calls-to-milkshakes

The only people who actually need to be isolated are those who are indeed medically vulnerable, and have to for their own physical health. There is a website for those self isolating to seek support:

volunteering.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/nhs-volunteer-responders-portal/isolating

CountryCasual · 21/05/2020 15:06

I think it’s all just a giant farce!
We live in a ‘naice’ area with neighbours who clap the NHS whilst moaning about taxes and stand stand 2m away from your door whilst inviting you to the street party they’re throwing (where social distancing is only observed until people have had a few drinks).

Nobody thinks the rules apply to them. I held out but have had my DM in my garden several times this week.

If 100 people are in lockdown and 95 abide it the first week, there are 5 new exposures but if 5 more people decide not to abide it each week thereafter then there will continually be 5 more exposures. Those who continue to abide the lockdown will be stuck there, compensating for the hordes who decide ‘sod it lets go to the beach’ each week.

...and how it’s acceptable for 5000 to rock up to the same beach but I can’t see my DM in my own garden I have no clue. I read there was a 40 minute queue for use of a public loo in Skegness yesterday.... Sod it, I’m inviting my DM over to sit in my garden!

AnotherEmma · 21/05/2020 15:07

Rockin
Ignore them. Seriously. Down with dementors Wink

SpooniesAreGo · 21/05/2020 15:08

Can't see what the problem is.

So you’re healthy, able-bodied, have no money worries, have access to beautiful safe countryside, and have family members.

Yes you are extremely lucky. It’s not people in your privileged position who are suffering. It’s those who are not so fortunate. That’s why you can’t “see the problem.” Because it isn’t your problem.

wildcherries · 21/05/2020 15:09

WanderingMilly Glad you're doing well, but can't see what the problem is is very I'm alright, Jack.

Bluebellpainting · 21/05/2020 15:13

@FatRascalsAndJam unfortunately he does count. Someone asked this question on a call in thing on the radio and he does count. While common sense would say there is a difference unfortunately some would take it to the next level- so a 6 month doesn’t count so what about a 12 month old. I get that it is easier just to have a blanket thing.

I do feel for anyone living alone but living with people doesn’t mean it is easy either. Like I said it is tough for everyone just in different ways. My sister is in a house share, she moved in two weeks before lockdown and so it is like living alone as she hardly knew the people and they keep themselves to themselves. However this situation is tough for lots of people for different reasons. I think to say that single people have been forgotten or that they should of been considered first as OP suggested ‘why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others?’ makes out that it is tougher for them than others and that they should have special consideration. But if you say a single person on their own can join another household you then get single parents- it is a slippery slope so it is easier to say only your household rather than having many exceptions.

RainMustFall · 21/05/2020 15:14

I have lived alone for years, it is my choice. I don't feel neglected at all and I have no need of hugs.

I'm perfectly happy chatting to my friends on Skype rather than seeing them in person.

It's fine to speak for yourself OP but you cannot speak for others.

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 15:15

Those of you who aren't huggy or tactile and aren't bothered about being touched and who think we are being ridiculous are very lucky - I wish I had no need of human touch but I do. Going a few months without touching someone/being touched may be fine for some of you, but it really isn't for me and I don't think that makes me odd, or pathetic or needy or somehow unable to cope with life as some seem to be suggesting.

I'm someone who doesn't like to be hugged. I'm fine with you hugging someone, just make sure you have their consent. It's not just about you, the other person should not be hugged agsinst their will.

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 21/05/2020 15:17

I know it's hard, I'm finding it terribly hard but at the end of the day it's just been 8 weeks approximately, 8 weeks 🙄

U2HasTheEdge · 21/05/2020 15:19

This is another reason why lockdown needs to end. The nation has sacrificed much and it is time to accept that some people will die during this. There are many other important facets to the pandemic that need some priority, not just the preservation of lives of those with the virus, at the expense of other lives.

I completely agree with this. I work in MH and people are struggling desperately. The longer this goes on the more I worry for people's mental health and the devastating consequences of that. Basic human needs have been taken away from a lot of us. So many people are completely isolated and going weeks, if not longer with no contact from anyone.

It needs to end. Single, married, whatever.. it is hard for most people and getting harder the longer it goes on.

Thaddit · 21/05/2020 15:19

OP, I too live alone and have found the last couple of months really strange and at times hard to deal with. A PP asked if you had any pets. I have two cats and having their company and affection has made all the difference to me. Unlike many on MN and this thread they are not judgemental, all they want is regular food and somewhere warm and comfortable to sleep. The latter they choose to do with me so I have them to cuddle if they allow me to.

Good luck, take each day as it comes. I find some days are easier than others. A treat here and there doesn’t come amiss either. I have some chocolate with my name on for later. I shall be having a walk in the sunshine soon and feeling happy that at least the weather is nice enough for that.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 15:22

Lots of research that has been undertaken with elderly people highlights the extent to which loneliness, isolation and the absence of touch affect us. If you are not someone who needs physical affection and touch, that's absolutely fine and normal and in the situation we find ourselves in is probably a positive. But most of us do need it, and the effects of going without it are significant. If you are interested, google 'touch deprivation'.

Coffeecak3 · 21/05/2020 15:23

My df is 89 and really struggling mentally.
I’m in another country so can’t get to him either. Every time I phone he asks when I will get over and I just don’t know.
His neighbour does his shopping and that is the only support he has.
I am astounded that his gp practice hasn’t been in touch with someone who is nearly 90. What a bloody awful society we live in where the elderly are told to stay at home and yet not one government body, council or healthcare professional checks up on them.
The only local body to ring and ask if he’s ok is his football club !