So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

My children had to ask for this type of snack when they were younger.

I think you're right, eating like this each night isn't ok, but you've already said you're going to look at ways to help understand why she is doing this.

Good luck OP.

No I'm not having a laugh, if anyone in my home wakes in the night and are hungry I would rather feed them than leave them for hours until breakfast time. They can't prove they are hungry and I can't prove they are not. My kids don't have to pay for food as that's not their responsibility as a parent it is mine.. Just like my parents fed me and their parents fed them. As I said my son is 7 so can't cook for himself so takes what is easiest if he wakes hungry. If I'm awake il make him something and hel eat that

Sounds like you are a good Mum to them OP.

In a big family rules about not just helping yourself are important. (Things can suddenly run out in ways that don't happen in smaller households.)

-She is taking food - so might be hungry or thirsty... but you have seen to it that she is not.

• It might be a sign of other troubles (and I guess that this is why you are asking the question here).

Why might she wake in the night (already a worrying thing) and take biscuits:

• She is hungry or thirsty

-She is ill with something that makes her crave food and feel guilty about this -She is greedy and wants more than her share of a treat. -She intends to deprive everyone else of the biscuits - it is an act of anger against the rest of the family. She feels different/separate. (Not because she is a stepchild - any of us can feel this way.)

• She want to disrupt the order of the house -this is a challenge to you and your rules (that are different from HER mum's)?
• The stealing (often a 'cry for help' when famous actors do it) is helping her deal with something else in her life? It might be something or someone in the outside world that she can't cope with. Stealing and eating are both ways of filling a space where pain is felt.

You can talk to her but she might not even be aware of why she does this. Minds are full of hidden places.

It sounds as if you have the food thing sorted - so I'd look elsewhere in her life for the problem.

What about tackling this as a family? Why don’t you call a family meeting with everyone and get them all to look at how the family has been managing since the lockdown and whether there are things that need to change, or ideas for arranging family life differently. Get one of the children to write any decisions. I personally would not go in with a heavy agenda about the taking of biscuits at night but simply check if there are any issues about food And fairness.

@YouJustDoYou what a shitty thing to say .. so if you post on here you should just expect to be insulted ?
Nice

I used to wake up hungry all the time when I was a child. I used to take a pack of biscuits or couple bags of crisps up to my room. My mum took me to docs to see if I had any health problems but he couldn't find any and told my mum some kids have to eat more than others and as I was very active during the day just to make me a bigger snack before bed. Still woke hungry, my mum just accepted that was just the way I was and left me a clingfimed sandwich and an Apple in the fridge and I ate that instead of junk.

@Tonz you would let your child get up in the night to eat ?
Wouldn’t it be better to find out why a child is so hungry during the night that it wakes him up ?
Sorry this is absurd.
No one is so famished that they have to eat at midnight or whenever unless there are underlying issues

Didn't read the full thread but as a child, we were not allowed to help ourselves to food. We had to ask. And it seems polite and reasonable to ask !

I freely admit that I snuck downstairs to steal food sometimes. Especially chocolate. If I was caught I'd be punished, which I didn't like obviously but could never have said was not fair.

There isn't necessarily deep-seated issues there. Maybe it's just the thrill of doing something forbidden. But regardless there must be consequences.

• yes, I would punish her. Since she took treats from others, I'd say no treats for her for (however long you think is appropriate). Or anything else you deem necessary.

• I would explain (yet again) why it's wrong and ask if there's a specific reason she's doing it.

And to people saying she should have access to food in the house : maybe I'd agree if she was having an apple. She's not. She's taking packs upon packs of biscuits.

She knows it's wrong or else she'd just ask for what she needs.

She's being greedy and taking all the snacks for herself........my sister used to do this. If I wanted a pot noodle or whatever I'd go to her room for it because she'd have invariably swiped them all along with anything else vaguely junkish and hidden them in her wardrobe.

It's ok to tell her not to be selfish and take everything because that means others have to go without. There's no need to whip it up into a huge drama or look for reasons for the behaviour.

Fluffybutter sometimes there's no "reason" other than hunger, surely? Sometimes I wake up hungry. If it's 3 or 4am I can wait till breakfast. If it's 11 or midnight, I might go and have a small snack.

I think you've been jumped on because you said my husband daughter as if thats all she is when reality shes you're stepdaughter and resides in you're household. Its just poor wording and people have only that to take on a forum. I feel you're pain my ds "steals" food sweets crisps cakes hes 11 and theres no filling him. I've put a lock on the cupboard. Apparently he was starving as he put it but wasnt eating his meals properly. So I make sure he finishes his meals before he gets a treat and he needs to learn to ask. It got to the point the other two dc weren't getting a look in with the treats.

WT F*CK. Does she live in the house? In what planet is taking food from the kitchen in the house IN WHICH YOU LIVE - classed as stealing?!

@Fluffybutter I have had my child to the Dr's and he is healthy just sometimes he gets hungry at night. He is autistic and takes melatonin to help him sleep but if he wakes hungry then yes I will feed him. The alternative is to leave him awake and hungry in bed and he'd be murder at school the next day. My other children would also get food if they woke hungry, they dont tend to though. If I woke up hungry I'd go get something as well. I don't think it's absurd I think it would be more absurd to leave him hungry

It’s definitely not stealing. If it’s stealing, then my children steal all the time! She sounds like she has a problem if she’s awake in the night eating, I would concentrate on helping her to not be hungry before bed. Perhaps a bowl of porridge or weetabix before she goes to bed? Let her know she can always take food if she needs to so she doesn’t feel she has to ‘sneak down’ and get food. Make it normal to take food if she’s hungry. Don’t make an issue out of it.

@Fluffybutter In . I had no underlying problems in my case I just couldn't go that long without food. Hunger does wake you up. I ate more than my brother and sister but wasn't any bigger than them. Feeding a hungry child is not absurd in fact it's the opposite

Big family here - I had five kids.

I would have a once a month online delivery of food and they would go straight to the crisps (I'd order a box of 50 packets), and they'd strip out their own favourite flavour (mostly prawn cocktail or salt and vinegar). They'd obviously wait until I wasn't looking to do it...

It was done entirely so that their brothers and sisters couldn't get an 'unfair' advantage. In their case it was completely competitively driven.

Any chance that the DC in question is just trying to steal a march on others in the family? Is it always biscuits that she takes, or will she also take other 'high value' foods, like chocolate and crisps?

Don't rise the goady assholes OP!
You sound like a wonderful and caring mother to ALL of your DC.
Where people are getting some of this shite from is beyond me - so ignore!
You've been given some lovely ideas and you are taking them on board.
I hope it all gets resolved for you and her as quickly as possible.
I've no advice - just wanted to say that you sound lovely and caring.

I think some people have been incredibly harsh on you here but.. some of the things you have said made me wonder if this isn’t about her needing something just for her. Moving from a family of two with a very permissive mother, to a family of six with all the usual rules and boundaries must have been incredibly difficult (not to mention the issues with her mother that led to her move) and now she suddenly has to share so much more. I like the treat box as a way of levelling the playing field. All get something that is only for them and if they choose to save it when another child eats it all in one go, definitely no being made to share. Personally I would be looking at this as a control/emotional issue rather than a stealing/food one. I don’t think she needs a bigger supper, I think she needs things that belong to her, she doesn’t need to share. Simple things like each of my children have their own box of cereal and their own treats and fruit box. The wanting to do chores with you also shouts to me (at that age) of wanting to please, finding a way to fit in. I know way too much about changing gearboxes as the only way I could spend time with my father was flat on my back under a car. I know life is busy - trust me I get it but that little girl sounds like she definitely needs more control over her life, her things and much more choice. All of which sounds like have been taken away from her as a result of circumstance. Empower her, don’t punish her.

Thanks for the kind comments

Just to clear up, her and her sister didn't come from a family of two to a family of 5, her mother has another 3 children too. So there was 5 children in that household..

Will take on board what you say though thank you

my husbands daughter

She’s you step daughter so your child too.
This is signs of an eating disorder, I did this for years. Binge and purge, emotional eating.

Do you think maybe she is also missing her other siblings as well as her mother? Maybe treats in her mother's household disappeared really quickly with the 5 kids there and she's worried the same will happen in her new home. She might just need time to properly adjust and will eventually see that with your rules she will still get her share

Jesus Christ, this thread illustrates exactly my Mumsnet is such a running joke!

No I'm not having a laugh, if anyone in my home wakes in the night and are hungry I would rather feed them than leave them for hours until breakfast time.

She has 6 kids who could all wake at different times saying they’re hungry, it’s not practical or particularly healthy to feed them in the middle of the night. It’s clear the OP isn’t depriving her children of good, and boundaries are important for children to learn - we can’t meet all needs and wants every time they’re expressed and maintain any sense of routine, which is equally important. It’s a nonsense to suggest the OP feeds a 9 year old on demand.

I didn't suggest to the op to feed her kids on demand. I suggested she gave her a bit more to eat before bed.
What works for me is obviously not what will work for her. I also didn't say she was depriving her kids of anything.
What I chose to do with my hungry child at night is my decision its not me asking for advice. The reply you are referring to was also not directed to the op it was to someone else who said it was absurd I fed my child at night.

@Jellycatspyjamas Its also a nonsense to not read a thread properly before accusing someone of saying something they didnt. I read Tonz suggesting feeding her a bit more before bed. I used to eat at night as a child and was and still am perfectly healthy. It doesn't mean I'm also telling op to feed all her children in demand just showing her a different view