So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

Wiaa

I asked her this she said it's for the toilet and obviously on her journey to the toilet she decides to detour in past the kitchen.

Feed her more than toast before bed then. She may just need more to fill her than your other children. We are all different. She's waking for a reason and if it is because she's hungry it can be a very long time until morning

Tonz

Have said further down the thread that I will increase the bedtime snack to see if that helps

Sorry op forgot to say I understand why they should ask before eating, it's part of our job as parents to ensure our children eat a healthy varied diet and don't overdo the snacks as well as the need for everyone to have a fair share but words can be dangerous to someone suffering from an eating disorder.

It’s not stealing. Deal with it as you see fit but don’t call it stealing.

Protein will keep her fuller for longer, will she eat anything like nuts or cheese i.e. something less carb heavy than toast or fruit?

Wiaa

Thank you. All kids can be greedy at times and I just feel like with 6 children if we didn't have that rule it would be a snowball effect. 1 would go to help themselves, the others would see and everyone would end up eating all day. I'm really not being cruel or unreasonable by having this rule at all I don't think. I had exact same rule growing up

Mycathateseverybody
She's not keen on nuts but cheese yes..will try her with some different options at bedtime to see if it helps

Then try to combat that first maybe last drink an hour before bed and obviously a chat with a doctor re diabetes

It's not stealing to take shared food from the household you live in. Maybe it's genuine hunger, greed, an eating disorder or attention seeking...but it's not stealing. If my ds took a couple of packs of biscuits out of the cupboard I would tell him it's wrong, don't do that again but it wouldn't occur to.me to think of it as stealing. The child needs support and care not branding as a thief. You say everyone eats well in your house and don't need extra food but you're judging that by your own standards, maybe your 6 children are also hungry and would like some extra biscuits...Your children would probably be too scared to take extra though for fear of being called a thief by the food police.

Put a lock on the cupboard? That way, no one can have more than their allotted share.

Omg!
right I'm off now guys
I'm not gonna sit and take strangers making assumptions about me as a mother or a stepmother for that matter based on a few posts on here.
None of you know anything about me or any of my children and I refuse to justify myself.
I've had some good advice and appreciate that and will take them on board.
Thank u again to those people
Clearly no matter what i say someone will be there to pick holes in it so let's just leave it at that
Hope your all safe and well 💕

Sorry missed that one. It may help especially since you've said she's very active. I agree biscuits aren't a good option but I think with kids if they want food it's usually the treats theyl go for.

Gosh. Someone asks for advice, and all some people do is use it as an excuse to batter the OP and find as much to criticise as possible.

I think the snack pack idea is really nice.

Also, do you think allowing your children access to healthy snacks, such as a low sugar yoghurt, or a piece of fruit without having to ask would work? So if they were really hungry (even at a weird hour) they could get something to eat, but if they want something which is unhealthy they'd need to continue to ask.

This means there is always something available, but the things they're most likely to want to go for are still on an 'ask-first' basis.

Sorry if someone's already said this but she can't ask for a snack in the middle of the night so probably thinks it's ok to take them. Plus it gives her a little bit of responsibility to have some control over her food. This has obviously become a habit and won't be solved straight away by having a chat - and don't use the word stealing! (I'm sure you won't) because that might make her feel ashamed or humiliated. Can you ensure she goes to the toilet before getting into bed? To start I would leave out one pack and hide the rest. Hope you get it resolved.

Do you run out of treat food often?
I used to steal food and hide is or gorge myself because I am part of a very large family and was worried about not getting 'my share'. We all hid food if visitors came to save it for our family, not greedy incomers who didn't appreciate things and sometimes left things half finished.
My mum used to make us bring them back with good humour and started giving us each a 'portion' of treats for yourselves so we could eat them as we chose, not feel the need to stuff it all in before it was gone!

My DSC always had free access to fruit, toast etc but things would still disappear, if hunger is not the problem then healthy food is not the solution. I doubt the DD in this situation is physically hungry or she'd be saying so.

It sounds like you have a very uncomplicated relationship with food which will serve you and the kids you are bringing up well.

However you have not been with this little girl her whole life. It's possible that she has been parented such that a bag of crisps or mini gems is a reward, a soother if she hurt herself or a shutter-up if she wanted attention ... so now she's helping herself to a hug in a bag ( or three), in secret.

Bearing this in mind I think YABU to punish and YABVU to brand her a thief who hasn't been brought up to know any better

YNBU to move where the biscuits are kept, nor to give everyone a snack box, nor to remind her her not to take food without asking when you find the wrappers nor to give her a glass of milk and an extra hug at night to help her sleep well. YDNBU to keep seek additional support from your gp for her.

Ps Thank goodness that you do like her and want the best for her, she's been through a lot. Her following you round the house trying to help with jobs sounds like she has been taught that this is a way to get and keep love and that she is trying to make things work for keeps with you.

You say you don’t think she’s hungry and that you don’t think there’s anything troubling her, but it must be one or the other. She’s not doing it for no reason.

So she’s either hungry, having a growth spurt or boredom eating due to lockdown (aren’t we all?).

Or there’s something psychological going on. Her mum sounds flaky, could there have been times when there wasn’t enough food in the house, even if she can’t remember it? If so she could be unconsciously worried that this could happen again so he hoarding. It could just be a way of getting control over her life, we mustn’t underestimate the psychological effects of lockdown on children.

Op, you have been given a rough time here.

Stealing/taking food secretly despite being told not to, is something that I would want to address too. It does impact.

Kids are part of a household, but should not be given free access to all the food/snacks within it like a lot of posters suggest . They don't have the maturity to fully understand the impact on themselves (teeth/waistlines etc), the budget, the others kids, their nutritional needs etc. There needs to be some level of control. So, yes, just from that view, I would want to address it.

If she is doing this repeatedly, despite being told not to, but otherwise is generally well behaved, then that is worth exploring more and just talking maybe a great place to start .

Anyone suggesting you are a terrible, controlling, food obsessed, disciplinarian and evil stepmother as a result of your posts is simply hysterical.

PS I don’t think there’s anything wrong with children asking for snacks. DS (10) does naturally. The other day the answer was no because tea was going to be ready in literally 5 mins but he didn’t know that!

Some of you are fucking insane and clearly projecting !
Op clearly stated that the thread wasn’t to ask if you thought it was stealing , it was asking how to deal with it.

Omg!
right I'm off now guys
I'm not gonna sit and take strangers making assumptions about me as a mother or a stepmother for that matter based on a few posts on here

If you're that sensitive I would suggest asking a gp then or a professional, not getting advice from a public forum filled with strangers.

Baffled by the number of people who let their children pick at any food in the house without asking first.

Are you having a laugh?

They don't pay for it. They don't plan or cook the meals. They don't have any responsibilities where the food is concerned. If I let my DS help himself to snacks constantly without asking, he would help himself to things willy nilly. I would come to cook a meal and find all the red pepper had gone. He would eat any delicious treats I had bought for everyone. And no, I can't don't want to just buy unlimited treat food l, it costs money?!

When he manages his own budget and cooks his own meals, he can take food without asking.

I would be concerned that she's turning to food in her unhappiness...

Behaviour is communication and she is probably unable to articulate her feelings and reasons.... where is she in the age range of the DC? It is more likely to be an emotional response emphasised by lock-in

Is she getting enough exercise ? She could also be starting puberty ??? Could u or her dad exercise/walk together?
That could give an opportunity for talking too..... I think the fact you haven't launched into anything shows you care....