Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How the hell do I get it through my Mother’s thick skull that she is DIABETIC?!?!?!

165 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 20/05/2020 20:26

My DM is over 70, and was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic 10 years ago. In her case, you could call it “lifestyle diabetes”... she has been overweight my entire life, doesn’t really exercise (she has a treadmill and uses it, but it’s more of a quick gentle stroll than an actual workout) and has a terrible diet. She’s had to inject herself with medicine (not insulin, I’m not sure what it is) for about a year, possibly longer. She has to test her blood glucose and is very happy when she gets a low reading, but she does it at random when she feels like it, so I’m not entirely sure how reflective the results are of her actual state. She often says that she doesn’t think she’ll see 80/live to see my baby DS growing up/is worried she’s going to lose her sight/feet (she already has problems with both) etc etc.

From the beginning she treated it more as an inconvenience than a life threatening disease and did very little to change the habits that got her there in the first place. She blamed it on a chocolate addiction, in an I-can’t-help-it-I’m-a-chocoholic sort of way. Last year she paid a small fortune to have a hypnotherapist rid her of this chocolate addiction. And it sort of worked; she hasn’t had chocolate since. What she has done is replace it with other crap instead.

Since lockdown started I’ve been doing her shopping online for her and honestly her shopping list is alarming. A typical order would include two packs of plain hob nobs, two big tubs of full fat cottage cheese, two multipacks of hula hoops, two punnets of green grapes, three bags of fruit pastilles, three bags of wine gums, two bags of toffee popcorn, two tubs of dairylea spread, 5 bananas, two bottles of white zinfandel, 4 pints of whole milk. A few times she’s even ordered cream cakes. Oh and some Muller light Greek yogurt and maybe the odd vegetable (usually salad). This is to last a week.

But she’s really proud that she hasn’t had any chocolate Hmm.

This week, however, she has made a few changes, and she’s very pleased with herself. She’s only having the three bags of wine gums, no fruit pastilles. She hasn’t ordered hob nobs or hula hoops, but she has ordered a multipack of quavers and two very fatty cheeses (to have with the water biscuits she ordered last week).

I said that I thought she’d decided not to buy popcorn or sweets anymore, to which her response was “I’ve only bought popcorn and wine gums, not the sugary ones. No sweet biscuits or hoola hoops, and no cheese biscuits 😇 I think i’m doing quite well.”

I reminded her that there’s a crap tonne of sugar in the wine gums and popcorn (gave her the actual figures)- “Yes I know, but the injections clear most of it, and remember this is a week, not daily”

I pointed out that the point of the injections isn’t to enable her to eat a load of sugar. And that I know for a fact that she doesn’t space all that stuff out over a week, the sweet snacks are gone within a few days. “Well actually I do pretty well for me. I’ve already cut a lot of sugar and carbs out. No chocolate for nearly a year!! I’m feeling pretty good about myself”

And yet, later on in the day... “Uh-oh on the news, most covid deaths underlying illness is type 2 diabetes 😱 😭”

I brought up the fact that she’s got popcorn, crisps, sweets and an assortment of cheese in her shopping order... “I like living life on the edge.
Some of my pinprick results make me diabetes free!!”

I mean what the fuck do I say to that? How do I make her see that it’s no good her complaining when she eats so much rubbish? I feel like refusing to do her shopping for her, or refusing to order those items, but a) I’d never hear the end of it and b) she’d only get someone else to buy it for her.

I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 21/05/2020 08:41

Honestly, I would buy her a copy of the Blood Sugar Diet and ask her to read it.

User8008135 · 21/05/2020 08:49

Nothing. She's an adult who needs to take responsibility for her own health.

Be honest on your opinion and the facts then leave her to make her choices.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2020 08:55

Almost Everybody is saying it's their choice if they want to eat biscuits etc. But diabetes costs the nhs 10 billion pounds per year. A tenth of their budget. Do they not have a responsibility to society?

Settle59 · 21/05/2020 08:56

OP I can sympathise because even though I haven't had diabetic parents both my parents at different times drank alcohol excessively - it wouldn't have been a stretch to call them both alcoholics and it broke my heart and I wished they would fucking STOP!!!!!
When I voiced my concerns to them I was met with a hostile attitude - so realistically OP - I think you have to let your mum be the author of her own destiny. As my parents are now in their 80s, I see 70s as young - when my parents were still in their 70s they were enjoying a high quality of life active etc. So... on a positive note your mum may yet turn her eating habits around and start eating healthily maybe exercising regularly as well? This would not be unheard of but, I think she has to come to this realisation herself.

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 09:01

Almost Everybody is saying it's their choice if they want to eat biscuits etc. But diabetes costs the nhs 10 billion pounds per year. A tenth of their budget. Do they not have a responsibility to society?

Everybodys health worsens by eating biscuits. Don't single out diabetics for doing so. Plus that a low needs to be treated with carbs, so taking it away would cost lives.

Are you perfectly healthy? Eating mostly fruit and veg? Not drinking alcohol or coffee? Perfect weight? Exercise every day? Brush your teeth properly? Most people don't live perfectly so don't slam diabetics for doing normal stuff.

speakout · 21/05/2020 09:02

Almost Everybody is saying it's their choice if they want to eat biscuits etc. But diabetes costs the nhs 10 billion pounds per year. A tenth of their budget. Do they not have a responsibility to society?

Yes they do- the OP doesn't.

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 09:03

@settle59
There are more types of diabetes thsn 1 and 2. LADA is sometimes callled 1.5 but I'm not sure if that goes for other types as well.

BlackberryCane · 21/05/2020 09:06

Honestly I think the answer is just not to say anything at all on the subject. You can't make her change her diet, and thus shouldn't try because it's a waste of time and energy. Equally though, you also don't have to listen to her talk about it. Don't engage.

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 09:07

OP, although I don't think that your mother has a healthy diet, you don't sound like you understand diabetes either. Besides, she is 70. If diabetes kills her in ten years she still would have had a good lifespan.

Settle59 · 21/05/2020 09:10

Thanks walkingchuckydoll - I honestly didn't realise that and need to educate myself on the subject!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 09:18

She's an adult with the right to make very poor choices.

If I were her I would have been quite rude to you for picking holes in the shopping list. And if I were her I might have decided that a decade living a life I like is worth more than 20 years living a life I don't enjoy.

You don't have to do her shopping for her, you know. You clearly care about her and want the best for her, but pause a moment and think- what does she want for herself?

Elieza · 21/05/2020 09:18

Re those that say don’t enable her, if someone is addicted to a substance, even sugar, they will do whatever they have to to get it. So if the OP is helping her by shopping for her to shield her it will defeat the purpose as she will go out and get her sugary treats herself.

I had an alcoholic relative. I refused to buy more alcohol for them after they fell drunk and broke the bottle.

They dragged their sore body down to the local shop and bought it. In the dark alone.
Unbelievable.
They didn’t even need it as they werent alcohol dependant and were already well topped up.

Sad how addictions take over our self control and rational thinking.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 09:21

Oh god, I fucking hate the "x condition costs the nhs billions, people have a duty to be as healthy as possible" argument. Just sod off with your pious crap unless you live a 100% healthy and risk free life and never do anything that might mean you need to use an NHS service. It's odd how often the people who preach like that are the same who bristle at the suggestion they should radically change their lifestyle to protect the planet, which is far harder to replace than the NHS.

ppeatfruit · 21/05/2020 09:26

DH is pre type 2 he has cut out 'normal' sugar but is having maple syrup in his coffee, 2 spoonfuls! I have tried to explain that it's the same as normal sugar, but he is definitely addicted to coffee with it.

There really is only so much that you can say. He is quite fit at the moment. He tries in other ways!

icansmellburningleaves · 21/05/2020 09:37

At over 70 there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change a lifetime of bad eating. Just let her get on with it.

Hotcuppatea · 21/05/2020 09:40

I could write the same post about my mum. I've given up trying to get her to change. It was affecting our relationship and I didnt want to keep telling her off.

At the end of the day, she's an adult and sadly you can't make her live in a way she doesn't want to, regardless of how frustrating and disappointing it is.

EugenesAxe · 21/05/2020 09:40

Try not to lose your temper - I expect she’s fishing for reassurance that ‘you’re being silly’ & ‘of course your diabetes won’t stop you getting to 80’. If she expresses those fears then calmly reply ‘Well if it’s troubling then you know what you need to do.’

But can I say don’t get angry with her for high fat foods - these are really good for controlling sugar cravings and as long as they’re the right kind of fats, they are an important part of a diet. Consider making her a meal plan that’s paleo based, as complex carbs will be her enemy too. I try to follow one and you get used to it; I have full fat milk porridge with berries and 100% peanut butter for breakfast and it fills me up for ages and cuts out cravings. Timetable drinking water.

I hope she gets on OK and avoids COVID - that is a concern.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 21/05/2020 09:47

Gradually eliminate some of the very sugary items... lots of online things run out so they ran out too.

Does she have dementia as well?

My father is the same lifestyle diabetic and my mother is useless - when we discuss sugar she says things like 'we don't add it to our tea, we don't have any sugar' .... completely ignoring sugar in foods... I have gone over this several times but it doesn't sink into her head either, so don't bother anymore it stresses me out to much and she doesn't care.

Alsohuman · 21/05/2020 09:50

Does she have dementia as well?

Why on earth would you ask that? She just doesn’t like being told what to do by her bossy daughter. I always really regretted not having a daughter but MN sometimes makes me realise I dodged a bullet.

BlingLoving · 21/05/2020 10:01

OP, I am sympathetic. However as PP have said, you need to stop treating her like a naughty toddler.

You also need to educate yourself on an appropriate diabetic diet as there's no point getting upset about what she eats when some of it is stuff that is actually perfectly okay.

Also, it sounds like she IS trying even if it certainly isn't to the desired level and I'm sure a little more support would be appreciated.

It took my mum YEARS to adapt. In fact, what threw me completely was that her diet got WORSE for a while - I'll never forget the day she ordered 2 croissants in a coffee shop. She didn't even like croissants when I was growing up. What I eventually realised is that she absolutely was rebelling. Rebelling against the disease. Rebelling against the rest of us giving her a hard time (and, like you, none of us bothered to do our research then so half the time what we were yelling at her about was wrong).

MIL on the other hand just never bothered to even attempt to educate herself. it was so weird. But when she more or less went into a diabetic coma, she made more effort and now at least knows better what she should and shouldn't be doing.

The best thing you can do is encourage her (not yell at her) to start testing regularly. Allow her to see for herself which things impact her blood sugar levels and which don't. I had gestational diabetes. Discovered that whenever I ate tomatoes, in any form, my blood sugar spiked. Doctors claimed it couldn't be the tomatoes. Whatever. I had the 4x daily tests to prove it and got my sugar under control when I stopped eating tomatoes (obviously, was also doing all the other stuff blah blah).

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/05/2020 10:07

My mother is the same, now has Alzheimer's, we have no chance of her changing her behaviour

Ditto my Dad. I spent several years telling him that simply not having sugar in his tea (this was his response whenever I chided him about all the cake in the fridge), but continuing to eat a very high carb, sugar-intensive diet was a really bad idea.

Now that he has dementia, I don't bother because he can't remember what you say to him from one day to the next.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2020 10:13

@:Disquieted1

You see this all the time on MN - infantalising the elderly.
She's in her 70s, leave her alone. The same way she has no right to tell you how to live your life, you have no right to tell her how to live hers.

^^This. With bells on.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/05/2020 10:22

To be fair though, there seems to be very little information on what people with diabetes should eat. My mother seems to have quite confused ideas anyway.

Correct! My Dad was in his late 70s when he was diagnosed and the paper information they gave him was entirely inappropriate for his literacy and comprehension levels (I say this not because of his age, but because of his poor education).

There doesn't seem to be any differentiation in the ways they try to educate people about type 2 diabetes - discussing what my dad got with my close friend who is a biologist and also type 2, she got exactly the same information and felt the documents were overly 'wordy' (and she knew all the stuff already).

My Dad calls it "sugar", too - I think it's a generational thing. I'm going to add that my Dad was only diagnosed when he collapsed at home and was rushed to hospital - after eating a Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie with a huge pile of mash and peas, followed by a massive pile of cake...

BlingLoving · 21/05/2020 10:27

To be fair though, there seems to be very little information on what people with diabetes should eat. My mother seems to have quite confused ideas anyway

Yes, and most of the people who are so concerned with diabetics often don't bother to properly understand it either. I know that is true of me and my family. I will always feel regret that I didn't make more effort and offer my mother a far more educated and nuanced view. For example, there are ways to do small treats and make them nice. My mother LOVED hot chocolate. Clearly, this is BAD. And every time she had one, we'd all freak out. Knowing what I know now, I would have offered to make her as the odd treat, with no judgement, a hot chocolate made with full fat milk and water, topped with cream, cocoa and sweetener. Still bad. But not as bad (for diabetics) And she would probably have felt less judged and resentful if I'd helped her to come up with that as the odd treat.

Siameasy · 21/05/2020 10:28

There’s nothing you can do. She fully knows the consequences and chooses not to change. I have a relative like this. He is pretty disgraceful really, it’s like Six Dinner Sid TBH the amount he eats but he doesn’t listen

I think it would be better if a message were conveyed to society at large that diabetes T2 is extremely draining on the NHS