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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How the hell do I get it through my Mother’s thick skull that she is DIABETIC?!?!?!

165 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 20/05/2020 20:26

My DM is over 70, and was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic 10 years ago. In her case, you could call it “lifestyle diabetes”... she has been overweight my entire life, doesn’t really exercise (she has a treadmill and uses it, but it’s more of a quick gentle stroll than an actual workout) and has a terrible diet. She’s had to inject herself with medicine (not insulin, I’m not sure what it is) for about a year, possibly longer. She has to test her blood glucose and is very happy when she gets a low reading, but she does it at random when she feels like it, so I’m not entirely sure how reflective the results are of her actual state. She often says that she doesn’t think she’ll see 80/live to see my baby DS growing up/is worried she’s going to lose her sight/feet (she already has problems with both) etc etc.

From the beginning she treated it more as an inconvenience than a life threatening disease and did very little to change the habits that got her there in the first place. She blamed it on a chocolate addiction, in an I-can’t-help-it-I’m-a-chocoholic sort of way. Last year she paid a small fortune to have a hypnotherapist rid her of this chocolate addiction. And it sort of worked; she hasn’t had chocolate since. What she has done is replace it with other crap instead.

Since lockdown started I’ve been doing her shopping online for her and honestly her shopping list is alarming. A typical order would include two packs of plain hob nobs, two big tubs of full fat cottage cheese, two multipacks of hula hoops, two punnets of green grapes, three bags of fruit pastilles, three bags of wine gums, two bags of toffee popcorn, two tubs of dairylea spread, 5 bananas, two bottles of white zinfandel, 4 pints of whole milk. A few times she’s even ordered cream cakes. Oh and some Muller light Greek yogurt and maybe the odd vegetable (usually salad). This is to last a week.

But she’s really proud that she hasn’t had any chocolate Hmm.

This week, however, she has made a few changes, and she’s very pleased with herself. She’s only having the three bags of wine gums, no fruit pastilles. She hasn’t ordered hob nobs or hula hoops, but she has ordered a multipack of quavers and two very fatty cheeses (to have with the water biscuits she ordered last week).

I said that I thought she’d decided not to buy popcorn or sweets anymore, to which her response was “I’ve only bought popcorn and wine gums, not the sugary ones. No sweet biscuits or hoola hoops, and no cheese biscuits 😇 I think i’m doing quite well.”

I reminded her that there’s a crap tonne of sugar in the wine gums and popcorn (gave her the actual figures)- “Yes I know, but the injections clear most of it, and remember this is a week, not daily”

I pointed out that the point of the injections isn’t to enable her to eat a load of sugar. And that I know for a fact that she doesn’t space all that stuff out over a week, the sweet snacks are gone within a few days. “Well actually I do pretty well for me. I’ve already cut a lot of sugar and carbs out. No chocolate for nearly a year!! I’m feeling pretty good about myself”

And yet, later on in the day... “Uh-oh on the news, most covid deaths underlying illness is type 2 diabetes 😱 😭”

I brought up the fact that she’s got popcorn, crisps, sweets and an assortment of cheese in her shopping order... “I like living life on the edge.
Some of my pinprick results make me diabetes free!!”

I mean what the fuck do I say to that? How do I make her see that it’s no good her complaining when she eats so much rubbish? I feel like refusing to do her shopping for her, or refusing to order those items, but a) I’d never hear the end of it and b) she’d only get someone else to buy it for her.

I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?

OP posts:
Chatons · 20/05/2020 22:14

Are we talking about my mother?

We’ve had some right dingdongs about it.

I think I’ve got to the point where I just let her get on with it now. Whatevs.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/05/2020 22:16

"I know I’m banging my head against a brick wall, and I hate lecturing her (I know that’s what I’m doing), but it’s so bloody hard listening to her woe is me shit about being diabetic, not seeing DS grow up etc etc and not scream “BUT YOU'RE BRINGING IT ON YOURSELF!!!”"

Stop lecturing her. Cut her short when she starts on her 'woe is me' shit and actually scream (or better, just say it calmly) “BUT YOU'RE BRINGING IT ON YOURSELF!!!” Tell her you don't want to hear her moan if she's not going to do anything about it. And change the subject. Every. Time. She. Starts.

You can't change her. She's an adult and she's picked the handcart she's going to Hell in IYSWIM. All you can do is step back and try not to let her behaviour affect you. Sorry Sad.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 22:17

My DP has these same problems with his DM. Not just diabetes but high blood pressure and she smokes like a chimney. He gets so upset and will go on at her about it loads. He will instantly jump to blame that whenever she tells him she's been unwell for any reason. He asks her how she feels about the GCs not growing up with her around. I keep urging him to take a step back and let her be, because I have learned with my mum that if you push, she'll push back, and the battle for her will just be getting you to leave her alone about it. You've pushed all you can, there's a small chance that now if she thinks you 'don't care anymore' then she'll slowly start making changes to show you she's trying. I know you feel like she's sending herself to an early grave and I'm sorry, you must feel so shit.

Boulshired · 20/05/2020 22:19

Both of my parents lives were shortened because of obesity and type 2, it still didn’t stop my niece going the same way at a young age. I have no answers as the consequences always seem to far ahead until they are not.

jellybeanz1212 · 20/05/2020 22:21

Her sugars will be high which makes you feel hungry all the time. It's a vicious circle. However, unless she wants to help herself there's little you can do.

Lottapianos · 20/05/2020 22:24

I can feel your frustration OP and you have tons of sympathy from me. My MIL is the same - in her 70s, type 2 diabetic, eats endless tons of shit and moans constantly about her health. Its MADDENING.

I do agree with everyone else though- she's an adult and the freedom to make very stupid choices is part of that deal. You however are not obliged to listen to the endless moaning so feel free to nip that in the bud next time she starts. It's a horrible situation, and a huge worry, but ultimately it is up to her how she manages her own diet

JustOneMoreStep · 20/05/2020 22:25

I dont understand why you are condemning the cheese? Protein is really important in helping to stabilise blood sugar and the fats in it help slow down the absorption of carbs so you dont get the peaks and troughs of carbs. At least that's my understanding.

Gingerkittykat · 20/05/2020 22:28

Cheese is actually a really good food for her to be eating as it is low carb, even if it is high fat it is still ok.

I have similar injections, my are called exenatide but there are others. It's a step down from needing insulin.

Do you know what her HBA1C readings are (long term control?).

Trying to get her to test an hour after she has wine gums might be enough to shock her into action. I was truly shocked to see what a single cake did to my levels and also how long it took to come back down to normal.

Maybe some education from the diabetic nurse or dietician would help.

Boulshired · 20/05/2020 22:37

If she was like my parents the cheese would be the snack (half a packet) at the end of the night for supper.

1Morewineplease · 20/05/2020 22:42

It’s very frustrating but what are your options?

  1. Buy what she asks for.
  2. But what you think she should eat, bearing in mind it’s her life and you’ll suffer her wrath.
  3. Leave her to do her own shopping.

It’s not ideal , you love your mum, but realistically, what can you do?

My husband has type 2 diabetes but needs packs of wine gums/jelly babies as he gets crushing hypos.
Her diet doesn’t sound great but full fat cottage cheese/yoghurts etc... usually contain less sugar than full fat.
The ‘light’ label is to do with fats not sugar. Check out yoghurt labels.,
I know you don’t approve but whose life is it anyway?
There’s no point buying food she won’t eat.
And yes... I’ve been there.

Lougle · 20/05/2020 22:45

Emotional eating - you won't stop it by pointing out what she already knows. I know how you feel, but there's nothing to gain by telling her.

Alsohuman · 20/05/2020 22:48

Why are you giving her a hard time about the cheese? It’s fine.

She’s an adult, either buy what she wants or stop doing her shopping.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 20/05/2020 22:49

My dad doesn’t care either.

He thinks life is about wine and cheese and cricket

I let him get on with it, he ate and drank himself into type 11, I can not help him if he doesn’t care.

1Morewineplease · 20/05/2020 22:51

Oops.. sorry.. full fat options often contain less sugar than full fat options.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/05/2020 22:52

Feeling your pain OP. My mum is so far in denial she won’t even call it diabetes; it’s always “sugar”. As in, “I have sugar”. Drives me bonkers.

To be fair though, there seems to be very little information on what people with diabetes should eat. My mother seems to have quite confused ideas anyway.

LilacTree1 · 20/05/2020 22:53

It’s her choice.

Soontobe60 · 20/05/2020 22:55

This is so hard, I really get what you're feeling. I've been through this with both parents. My DF had a ruptured anyeurism several years ago, and amazingly he survived. But his veins were shot to pieces as his diet was so fat laden (although he was very slim). He basically lived of fags, chips and cream cakes. He did try to cut down and eat the odd veg. Then two years after that, they found a shadow in his lung. The consultant said it was most likely cancer but he couldn't have a biopsy due to his other health issues. I remember telling him in front of the consultant that he should pack in smoking and eat better. The consultant said that he only had a limited time left, and surely it was better for my dad to be happy rather than miserable with all his pleasures taken away. He was right! ( and DF lived 2 more years too).
Dm is the opposite currently. Complains of being in pain, joints and stomach, bad chest. However, she doesn't eat at all, lives of cigarettes and coffee and barely sleeps. She believes her gp is rubbish because she can't find a cause of her weight loss, as dm refuses to believe it's because she doesn't eat.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/05/2020 22:59

It's difficult isn't it. My mum is type 2 diabetic too, but she has gone completely the other way and is so health conscious now, won't touch anything that is deemed bad for diabetics. She has recently had to increase her medication dose despite dropping to 8st and doing loads of exercise and eating a low GI diet, so the thought of how much worse she would be if she wasn't so careful is scary.

WiddlinDiddling · 20/05/2020 23:01

Leave her be.

Firstly your knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate for a t2 diabetic diet isn't that hot either, the cheese is fine, the yoghurt probably is too.

But more importantly, getting at her will not stop her, she has to want to for her own sake not for anyone elses.

All you are achieving is spoiling your time together.

At seventy, she probably doesn't have decades ahead of her anyway, it really is up to her to choose how to live it, not you.

Elieza · 20/05/2020 23:02

Sugar is like a drug and the behaviour is the same. Like total denial. As though the medicine/jabs they get enable them then to eat whatever they want and not bother having to take responsibility for their own health.

Then the eyes deteriorate and for a few days the shock makes them determined to change their lifestyle. And by the weekend the chocolate biscuits are out again.

Then they have circulatory issues and toes that feel funny. Again the doctor is called and the biscuits get put away and by the weekend the cake is served up.

You can’t change them. It’s no use. You’re as well giving up trying to.
But don’t let her poor-me at you.
Get her reminded if she dies young, loses fingers toes or her sight that it’s her choice and you respect that.

The whole waist over 32” thing may give a few people a shock. As may the stats that 25% of Covid deaths in England are diabetics.

But to the truly addicted the news will just drive them to the biscuit tin as they get worried and a wee choccy biccie always helps....!

FatherWindyShepherdHenderson · 20/05/2020 23:19

Your DMum sounds exactly like my DDad, OP! In his 70’s, type II diabetic and all he wants to do is eat biscuits, cakes, chocolate... basically everything he knows is bad for him! My DMum constantly complains that he is so hard to feed because of it. He is supposed to test his blood sugar levels twice a day but he refuses and does it occasionally when he can be bothered. He is on the maximum dose of tablets, including for high blood pressure and cholesterol and also injects insulin. He sees being diabetic as an annoying inconvenience and doesn’t think any of the side effects (like limb loss etc.) will ever happen to him. His blood sugar is consistently too high but insists that’s just the way he is, rather than acknowledging it’s what he eats.

I’ve lost count of the times he’s been nagged by me, my DMum and all the diabetic medical professionals! He just refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of his illness and quite frankly he has been very lucky so far that his poor management hasn’t affected him (yet). I do worry about it catching up with him as he gets older though...

Alsohuman · 20/05/2020 23:24

Get her reminded if she dies young

At 70 that ship sailed some time ago!

OnlyThenWhen · 20/05/2020 23:25

700 isn't exactly old. UK life expectancy is around 81 years.

OnlyThenWhen · 20/05/2020 23:25

70, obviously! 700 would be incredibly old!

Alsohuman · 20/05/2020 23:37

It’s hardly young - as my slightly less than 70 joints remind me every morning!