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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How the hell do I get it through my Mother’s thick skull that she is DIABETIC?!?!?!

165 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 20/05/2020 20:26

My DM is over 70, and was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic 10 years ago. In her case, you could call it “lifestyle diabetes”... she has been overweight my entire life, doesn’t really exercise (she has a treadmill and uses it, but it’s more of a quick gentle stroll than an actual workout) and has a terrible diet. She’s had to inject herself with medicine (not insulin, I’m not sure what it is) for about a year, possibly longer. She has to test her blood glucose and is very happy when she gets a low reading, but she does it at random when she feels like it, so I’m not entirely sure how reflective the results are of her actual state. She often says that she doesn’t think she’ll see 80/live to see my baby DS growing up/is worried she’s going to lose her sight/feet (she already has problems with both) etc etc.

From the beginning she treated it more as an inconvenience than a life threatening disease and did very little to change the habits that got her there in the first place. She blamed it on a chocolate addiction, in an I-can’t-help-it-I’m-a-chocoholic sort of way. Last year she paid a small fortune to have a hypnotherapist rid her of this chocolate addiction. And it sort of worked; she hasn’t had chocolate since. What she has done is replace it with other crap instead.

Since lockdown started I’ve been doing her shopping online for her and honestly her shopping list is alarming. A typical order would include two packs of plain hob nobs, two big tubs of full fat cottage cheese, two multipacks of hula hoops, two punnets of green grapes, three bags of fruit pastilles, three bags of wine gums, two bags of toffee popcorn, two tubs of dairylea spread, 5 bananas, two bottles of white zinfandel, 4 pints of whole milk. A few times she’s even ordered cream cakes. Oh and some Muller light Greek yogurt and maybe the odd vegetable (usually salad). This is to last a week.

But she’s really proud that she hasn’t had any chocolate Hmm.

This week, however, she has made a few changes, and she’s very pleased with herself. She’s only having the three bags of wine gums, no fruit pastilles. She hasn’t ordered hob nobs or hula hoops, but she has ordered a multipack of quavers and two very fatty cheeses (to have with the water biscuits she ordered last week).

I said that I thought she’d decided not to buy popcorn or sweets anymore, to which her response was “I’ve only bought popcorn and wine gums, not the sugary ones. No sweet biscuits or hoola hoops, and no cheese biscuits 😇 I think i’m doing quite well.”

I reminded her that there’s a crap tonne of sugar in the wine gums and popcorn (gave her the actual figures)- “Yes I know, but the injections clear most of it, and remember this is a week, not daily”

I pointed out that the point of the injections isn’t to enable her to eat a load of sugar. And that I know for a fact that she doesn’t space all that stuff out over a week, the sweet snacks are gone within a few days. “Well actually I do pretty well for me. I’ve already cut a lot of sugar and carbs out. No chocolate for nearly a year!! I’m feeling pretty good about myself”

And yet, later on in the day... “Uh-oh on the news, most covid deaths underlying illness is type 2 diabetes 😱 😭”

I brought up the fact that she’s got popcorn, crisps, sweets and an assortment of cheese in her shopping order... “I like living life on the edge.
Some of my pinprick results make me diabetes free!!”

I mean what the fuck do I say to that? How do I make her see that it’s no good her complaining when she eats so much rubbish? I feel like refusing to do her shopping for her, or refusing to order those items, but a) I’d never hear the end of it and b) she’d only get someone else to buy it for her.

I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 20/05/2020 23:47

Is it victoza that she takes? www.victoza.com/faq/Using-the-Victoza-Pen.html

My mam is on it and honestly eats so much junk. She had a scare with her kidneys recently, came home from the hospital and literally only ate cake for the full day. (I was there as dad doesn't drive and mam had been told she wasn't allowed.)

I walked out in the end because I was so angry.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 00:09

As long as you've said your piece, and she isn't making decisions from a point of totsl ignorance, it simply is her choice. She isn't your child, for whom you have full responsibility. and she isn't your husband, in whose life you have a mutual vested interest by agreement (particularly in relation to any children you might have). Like it or not, you have no right to control (or seek to control) another adult's behaviour, even if she were your husband (obviously, you'd have the full right to leave/divorce him if his behaviour were no longer acceptable to you).

By the way, the respectful modern phrase to use is 'she has diabetes' and not 'is diabetic'. She is the primary focus, not her health condition, and using her health limitations as an adjective to describe her is reductive of her as an individual. You wouldn't (I really hope) refer to somebody with cancer as 'being cancered' or 'cancerous', even though, technically, it may not be strictly incorrect. Although you already appear not to have any respect for her as an individual by your use of the phrase 'get it through her thick skull' rather than 'communicate it to her'.

Always remember that she is the person living with her condition and her life is her own to live, whether or not it's how you would live it, if it were your life.

exexpat · 21/05/2020 00:26

The problem with the 'it is her own life to live' argument is that all too often once the health impacts of poor lifestyle choices really hit home, it is the adult children (mostly daughters, of course) who get saddled with the extra care responsibilities involved with an elderly, unwell parent kept alive by modern medicine but needing increasing support, and expecting to get it from the children who have been trying to make them see the dangers of their diets, smoking habits and so on. Of course it is possible to refuse, but then you carry the burden of guilt instead.

MintyCedric · 21/05/2020 00:32

I'm wondering if you are my long lost sister that my mum is hiding from me!

She's 80, was diagnosed type 2 about 10 years ago, got put on insulin about 2 years ago. She is very proud of the fact that she had given up bread because of the carbs. A typical day looks like this:

Breakfast - cereal with evaporated (low fat!) milk, half a banana and a pear

Lunch - Savoury rice cakes with cheese or pate, flavoured full fat Greek yoghurt and a chocolate cereal bar

Dinner - Something fairly average...and an ice cream.

Snacks - chocolate rice cakes, wine gums and mint humbugs.

Quite honestly I've given up trying.

Disquieted1 · 21/05/2020 00:36

You see this all the time on MN - infantalising the elderly.
She's in her 70s, leave her alone. The same way she has no right to tell you how to live your life, you have no right to tell her how to live hers.

ToffeeYoghurt · 21/05/2020 00:38

Perhaps the problem is she's done pretty well so far. You say she's been overweight with a bad diet all your life. Yet she made it to her 60s before being diagnosed with diabetes. Clearly her weight and diet didn't affect her health much. Many people who lead much healthier lives with the motivation to eat healthily have the misfortune of diabetes diagnoses at much younger ages then your mother.

By the time somebody's in their 70s it's more unusual than not to have some type of health condition.

I suspect she's decided to enjoy a possibly shorter life rather than be miserable making drastic changes at her age. It's her choice. Just as other people choose to indulge in dangerous sports with high risks of injuries or drive a car despite the high annual numbers of injuries and deaths from traffic accidents.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 00:40

exexpat

You're not wrong at all there, but it's still not acceptable to expect somebody to live their life in a way just so that it makes your imputed (but not actually binding) duties towards them easier.

In fact, if anything, somebody with a serious condition who pretty much ignores it is likely to remain a burden to you (if you choose to assume the responsibility) for much less time than somebody who takes good care of themselves and could spend 20 or more years requiring a lot of care and assistance purely as a result of normal old age.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 21/05/2020 00:44

Not read all the replies, but what @paperandfireworks said.
It must be beyond infuriating, but she has to realise it for herself.
No amount of you telling her will work, she'll just see it as nagging.

Whataloadofshite · 21/05/2020 00:53

Why on earth are you ordering all that crap for her? I wouldn't. Tell her you're not enabling her anymore and leave her to it.

Disquieted1 · 21/05/2020 00:54

I tell you, if I make it to my 70s I'm fucked if I'll let my kids tell me what I can or can not eat, drink or do. If I like hobnobs I'll damn well have hobnobs! If they want to lecture me on sugar content, then they can stick their lectures where the sun don't shine.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 00:56

I have type 1 - the sort that is actually much more life-changing and dangerous (if that's the right word) and, as it normally occurs far earlier in life, it is also likely to either affect your life for a lot longer or otherwise seriously shorten it.

People (including HCPs) will often fall over themselves to stress that you aren't to blame for your type and that you shouldn't be lumped in with those naughty/stupid/ignorant/foolhardy people with type 2.

I hate this divisiveness. Aside from the fact that there's still no proof of whether being obese is a contributory factor (but only if you happen to have the 'bad' genes) or a symptom, I can't stand the demonising and belittling of people with type 2. The way some react, you'd think they'd deliberately drunk three bottles of vodka before doing 100mph on the motorway or hurled a brick-weighted bag of newborn puppies into the canal. There are a huge amount of genetic/physical/mental/upbringing/lifestyle factors that can lead to people requiring NHS treatment for any number of reasons, but the NHS is not there to judge or condemn.

Apart from anything else, folk with type 2 diabetes (especially poorly-controlled) are likely to cost the government in the form of the NHS a lot more, but also potentially save the government a fortune in not living long enough to claim a state pension or needing many years slowly declining in a state-funded care home.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 21/05/2020 01:01

Why on earth are you ordering all that crap for her? I wouldn't. Tell her you're not enabling her anymore and leave her to it

See, luckily I don't have to get someone to do my shopping for me.
If I did though, I'd be fucked off if they were going through my shopping list/telling me what I could or couldn't have/what was bad for me/sugar content etc,
Me - yes I know, I'm not stupid now do you want to get my shopping or not lol
I'd rather find someone far less judgy or do it online myself.

Guylan · 21/05/2020 01:02

I am missing the point somewhat but full fat cottage cheese is still fairly low fat at 5g of fat in a 100g portion. The sweets obviously not good.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:02

Why on earth are you ordering all that crap for her? I wouldn't. Tell her you're not enabling her anymore and leave her to it.

I must admit, I'm torn on this one, where it requires your involvement. I would - and previously have - happily 'enabled' by doing shopping for a vulnerable elderly relative from her list containing literally a hundred or more mini cakes and several multi-packs of crisps but only three bananas and half a melon - but I would refuse on principle to buy cigarettes on behalf of anybody else, even if they were housebound. To be fair, she was already into her 90s by then, so a tragically young death was firmly off the cards. Nevertheless, I suppose that makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it....

Alsohuman · 21/05/2020 01:06

Nevertheless, I suppose that makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it....

Sure does.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:09

luckily I don't have to get someone to do my shopping for me.

Very true. Indeed, it could even be considered a form of abuse and discrimination to arbitrarily deny somebody the right to make the same good or bad personal shopping choices as any other adult, purely based on their physical disabilities.

Tesco don't judge or refuse your online order based on what they might deem to be a non-healthy diet - but where does that leave people who lack the health, capacity, ability or funds to use the internet?

ViveLEntenteCordiale · 21/05/2020 01:12

Umm.. do you know how much fat there is full fat cottage cheese? About 3%. It's a naturally low fat food. Low-fat or fat-free cottage cheese is just a con with additives.

I agree the rest of her diet is pretty terrible though.

I'd be saying, sorry, they were out of hula hoops, and fruit pastilles, and toffee popcorn or whatever other high-sugar snack she is after!

Alsohuman · 21/05/2020 01:13

At the mercy of their judgemental offspring apparently.

ViveLEntenteCordiale · 21/05/2020 01:14

Oh sorry, cross posted with Guylan

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:19

Nevertheless, I suppose that makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it....

Sure does.

Thanks for the confirmation Grin I suppose it also opens up other moral areas too. I'm thinking of the outrage when you occasionally read of very disabled men who are assisted by their official, maybe government-funded carers to arrange for visits from prostitutes. I would most certainly want no part in enabling something that I personally find morally repugnant, and yet healthy men who want to do exactly the same are fully able to go right ahead and do so, without fanfare or official/public record, all by themselves and in secret.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/05/2020 01:20

My dad was the same. He wAs fine for the first few years with it. Although he paid it zero respect at first. He'd admit that to you, himself.

He was diagnosed in 2005. Ga ve up smoking 2007. G ave up drinking 2010.
Sadly by then though the damage was long done. He was housebound in the end. H e had nurses going in every day to look after his poor feet. He was very close to amputation but Thank God he didn't get to that stage.
It broke my heart watching him.

mathanxiety · 21/05/2020 01:21

YANBU to feel bad. But your approach hasn't worked.

Next time she goes on about not seeing DS grow up, tell her she is free to choose that and you can't do anything about her choice but you and DS will miss her.

When she tells you she has given up chocolate tell her how proud of her you are.

She is behaving like a naughty child and you are playing the role of the sensible grown-up. Time to stop that and see if she can begin to take herself seriously.

Disquieted1 · 21/05/2020 01:23

"...you occasionally read of very disabled men who are assisted by their official, maybe government-funded carers to arrange for visits from prostitutes..."

ODFOD

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:24

Umm.. do you know how much fat there is full fat cottage cheese? About 3%. It's a naturally low fat food. Low-fat or fat-free cottage cheese is just a con with additives.

I agree the rest of her diet is pretty terrible though.

Even the grapes and bananas - and the milk (which, whilst full fat, still contains a very low percentage of fat and a lot of calcium and protein)? I didn't quite understand why these items were included in the indictment. Confused

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:25

"...you occasionally read of very disabled men who are assisted by their official, maybe government-funded carers to arrange for visits from prostitutes..."

ODFOD

Care to elaborate and contribute to the evolving date on agency, disability and moral issues - or is it just easier to sling a cliched insult?