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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How the hell do I get it through my Mother’s thick skull that she is DIABETIC?!?!?!

165 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 20/05/2020 20:26

My DM is over 70, and was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic 10 years ago. In her case, you could call it “lifestyle diabetes”... she has been overweight my entire life, doesn’t really exercise (she has a treadmill and uses it, but it’s more of a quick gentle stroll than an actual workout) and has a terrible diet. She’s had to inject herself with medicine (not insulin, I’m not sure what it is) for about a year, possibly longer. She has to test her blood glucose and is very happy when she gets a low reading, but she does it at random when she feels like it, so I’m not entirely sure how reflective the results are of her actual state. She often says that she doesn’t think she’ll see 80/live to see my baby DS growing up/is worried she’s going to lose her sight/feet (she already has problems with both) etc etc.

From the beginning she treated it more as an inconvenience than a life threatening disease and did very little to change the habits that got her there in the first place. She blamed it on a chocolate addiction, in an I-can’t-help-it-I’m-a-chocoholic sort of way. Last year she paid a small fortune to have a hypnotherapist rid her of this chocolate addiction. And it sort of worked; she hasn’t had chocolate since. What she has done is replace it with other crap instead.

Since lockdown started I’ve been doing her shopping online for her and honestly her shopping list is alarming. A typical order would include two packs of plain hob nobs, two big tubs of full fat cottage cheese, two multipacks of hula hoops, two punnets of green grapes, three bags of fruit pastilles, three bags of wine gums, two bags of toffee popcorn, two tubs of dairylea spread, 5 bananas, two bottles of white zinfandel, 4 pints of whole milk. A few times she’s even ordered cream cakes. Oh and some Muller light Greek yogurt and maybe the odd vegetable (usually salad). This is to last a week.

But she’s really proud that she hasn’t had any chocolate Hmm.

This week, however, she has made a few changes, and she’s very pleased with herself. She’s only having the three bags of wine gums, no fruit pastilles. She hasn’t ordered hob nobs or hula hoops, but she has ordered a multipack of quavers and two very fatty cheeses (to have with the water biscuits she ordered last week).

I said that I thought she’d decided not to buy popcorn or sweets anymore, to which her response was “I’ve only bought popcorn and wine gums, not the sugary ones. No sweet biscuits or hoola hoops, and no cheese biscuits 😇 I think i’m doing quite well.”

I reminded her that there’s a crap tonne of sugar in the wine gums and popcorn (gave her the actual figures)- “Yes I know, but the injections clear most of it, and remember this is a week, not daily”

I pointed out that the point of the injections isn’t to enable her to eat a load of sugar. And that I know for a fact that she doesn’t space all that stuff out over a week, the sweet snacks are gone within a few days. “Well actually I do pretty well for me. I’ve already cut a lot of sugar and carbs out. No chocolate for nearly a year!! I’m feeling pretty good about myself”

And yet, later on in the day... “Uh-oh on the news, most covid deaths underlying illness is type 2 diabetes 😱 😭”

I brought up the fact that she’s got popcorn, crisps, sweets and an assortment of cheese in her shopping order... “I like living life on the edge.
Some of my pinprick results make me diabetes free!!”

I mean what the fuck do I say to that? How do I make her see that it’s no good her complaining when she eats so much rubbish? I feel like refusing to do her shopping for her, or refusing to order those items, but a) I’d never hear the end of it and b) she’d only get someone else to buy it for her.

I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:26

*evolving debate

Disquieted1 · 21/05/2020 01:30

You're contrasting buying biscuits for her mother with the procurement of prostitutes.
Beyond absurd.

cheesemongery · 21/05/2020 01:33

So she's cut down on the sweets and gone for cheese and water biscuits - very low GI - good for her.

If you were my daughter I'd be cream caking myself into the grave as fast as possible. She's 70 - she can make her own choices, I expect she gets grief from the diabetic nurse if she's had too much sugar.

Cheeses, water biscuits, yoghurts, even crisps like quavers are low to mid GI. I think she is doing fine. I'd tell you to go stuff yourself and do some reading up.

Whataloadofshite · 21/05/2020 01:35

I'm type II - within normal weight range and I have to take Metformin twice a day. I dropped 25kg and my status as a diabetic didn't change. I knew it would happen whatever I did, because all the women on my mother's side of my family develop it.

The moment I mention I'm type II, they assume I'm a huge fat person who's careless with her diet, and I'm not. I'm bloody careful and I still need meds. Btw fatshaming is bullshit and can fuck off. Fat people are valid and not necessarily riddled with health issues.

Your mum can eat what she likes, but you sure as hell don't have to enable it. If she wants that stuff then she can make her own shopping account to order it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 01:40

You're contrasting buying biscuits for her mother with the procurement of prostitutes.
Beyond absurd.

If you read what I wrote, I was saying that I would happily buy junk food on behalf of somebody unable to buy it for themselves but then I wouldn't buy a housebound smoker cigarettes - even though they are probably more addicted to them than the mother here is to her many unhealthy treats. I then thought further and considered the wider implications and extremes of my paradoxical (and probably hypocritical) partially-libertarian and partially-denying moral standpoints.

I never randomly said "I'd buy her biscuits but she can organise her own escorts, should she happen to want them too".

But thank you for clarifying your thinking - I genuinely appreciate it Smile

Disquieted1 · 21/05/2020 01:45

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

You raise an important point that I will quite happily discuss with you on another thread.

DonnaHaywood · 21/05/2020 01:46

@Glowcat Her risk is higher than non diabetics but lower than type 1 diabetics

What is your source for that claim?

Flipswhitefudge · 21/05/2020 02:11

Would she be receptive to keeping her carbs under a certain amount per day. I try to keep mine under 50 for the whole day and my readings are great if I do this. Low carb with lots of good healthy fats, works well for T2 diabetics.

Another thing that is a really good way of tracking how your body reacts to a certain food/meal is to take a reading before you eat then 1 hour after your first bite (this will show the spike) and then take another reading 2 hours after your first bite, ideally you want the 2 hour reading to be as close to your pre-meal reading as possible. If it spikes at the 2 hour and stays high, it's a food that you want to avoid. It's called eating to your meter.

There are some great Facebook groups, Reversing diabetes type 2 support group is a good one.

Jason Fung's book the diabetes code is life changing

Flipswhitefudge · 21/05/2020 02:12

*IF it spikes at the 1 hour and stays high at the 2 hour

1forAll74 · 21/05/2020 02:13

You have already said many times over,to your Mother, how her food choices are unhealthy and damaging to her.. You can do no more. She has to do this herself, but sounds like she has her own fixated views about her diet, so you can't win.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 02:13

Thanks, Disquieted1

I'd be very happy to discuss it, but to be honest, I don't currently know very much about the subject at all - only what I vaguely recall reading from a couple of articles a number of years ago, which may have been true, lies or anywhere in between. It was just what I somehow thought of when considering the potential extremes of the basic helping/enabling vulnerable people scenario.

Always willing (I won't say happy) to learn more about it, though.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2020 02:17

She has to do this herself, but sounds like she has her own fixated views about her diet, so you can't win.

She's made her own choices about her own life - they may or may not be good choices from the perspective of somebody (or even almost everybody) else, but they're HER choices. What could there be in another adult's lifestyle for the OP to 'win'?

Sherlockia · 21/05/2020 02:18

Ultimately she's an adult and nagging about it is unlikely to make a difference. Some of the things you condemn are not actually that bad for her, e.g full fat cottage cheese is more filling than low fat and good source of protein. Maybe you could ask her if she wants advice on recipes, foods and snacks, suggest a diabetic recipe book, but if she says no, then leave her alone, it's her choice.

I remember really wanting my gran to give up smoking, she died quite young and all the nagging never made a difference, I just feel bad that I made her feel bad. You can state your case firmly, offer support, but then drop it and let people live their life.

eaglejulesk · 21/05/2020 02:23

I'm sorry, but there isn't anything more you can do. You have tried talking to her and got nowhere, and she is an adult so she can eat whatever she likes - and she will have to face the consequences. I agree with the pp who said her life, her choices.

Hopefulhen · 21/05/2020 04:02

This is such a difficult issue for your mother to address because obviously the habits that led her to develop diabetes are lifelong and therefore so difficult to break. I agree with many other posters that chastising her will do not good because shaming people doesn’t readily change their behaviour. I would live and let live except she is being morbid and complaining that she will not see your DS grow up.
The only thing I can think of is encouraging her to see the hypnotherapist again for support to improve her diet in other ways?

DamnYankee · 21/05/2020 04:40

I would show her how to order her own shopping and then let her live her life. When she starts grousing about her health, change the subject or end the call.

myself2020 · 21/05/2020 05:08

You can’t do anything for her. the only thing you can do is prepare yourself - look after your mental health. watching somebody die from the effects of diabetes 2 is a long and very ugly process (i’ve been through it), make sure you get through it ok. she is making her choices, you both will need to deal with the consequences.

Purpleartichoke · 21/05/2020 05:11

The average life expectancy is something like 80 years and there are so many other diseases that a woman in her 70s may encounter. I’m honestly not sure if I would bother giving up chocolate at 70. Given my family history and my own personal health, the odds of me getting cancer again are pretty high. If I make it as far as 70, I may start living entirely on bacon and chocolate.

Purpleartichoke · 21/05/2020 05:12

Oh, but you don’t have to be the one buying her these things. It is ok to set personal boundaries. I’d show her how to do an online order.

Scarlettpixie · 21/05/2020 06:32

You have said your piece. Let her order what she wants. She is 70+ so a grown up! You can’t police her shopping.

Its fine to express concern but don’t keep banging on. Bear in mind lockdown is probably not the best time for her to make big changes, she may be feeling isolated/anxious. When lock down is over maybe try talking to her then. Calmly and with proper information.

Chosennone · 21/05/2020 07:21

This has hit a nerve. My own DM is like this, but very affected now. She can barely walk or see. Secretly their are incontinence issues my Dad is covering Sad. I have tried and tried. I've come to the conclusion that she probably knows she is in the last years of her life, and she just wants to be happy eating all the crap!

speakout · 21/05/2020 07:29

OP you can'r control her.

You can control your own reaction though.

You speak your mind and you step back.
You need to be less invested in her situation.
She is an adult and able to make her own choices.
You may not agree with them but it is her right.
You need to work out how to reacte in a way that causes you less discomfort.
That you do have control over.

oohnicevase · 21/05/2020 08:03

My dad died of complications from T2 diabetes a few years ago .. he always said he would live his life the way he wanted to..( drinking too much and eating too much red meat etc and being overweight) .. I let him be , I knew he wouldn't live to an old age but it was his choice and I wanted to enjoy the time with him .
I will say though he has hideous ulcerated painful legs for 18 months and was in a hospital bed at his house downstairs so it certainly wasn't a quick pain free death .. it's tricky when you love them so much .

supercilioussal · 21/05/2020 08:14

Re COVID - It was in the news yesterday that %wise, it’s more dangerous for T1. However, in terms of numbers, more people with T2 have died (which is not surprising, given that 90% of people living with diabetes are T2). But it also said for people with T1 under 40, the risk was hardly any higher than for someone without diabetes.

It’s a horrible disease, T1, T1.5 or T2 Sad

Settle59 · 21/05/2020 08:33

supercilioussal - what is T1.5?