Double-barrelled surname. To correct people?

[Daybydaybyday87]

Hello,
I know this is very insignificant in light of what's happening in the world at present but it has been an irritation of mine since my son was born. He has a double-barrelled surname (let's say Peter Smith-Jones, for example. Not his real name!) and some people consistently omit the Smith and write Peter Jones on envelopes of cards etc. It always irks me as it isn't his proper name!! When we sent birth announcement cards out we put his full name on there yet many relatives will still get it wrong. I'm always conscious of not hurting feelings and not causing offence but when it happens time and time again by the same individuals it gets a bit wearing. For cards and presents he receives he always writes a thank you note and puts from Peter Smith-Jones but yet again they just assume he's Peter Jones. If I'm not sure of someone's surname before writing a card, I'll always check in advance rather than write it incorrectly. A friend of mine has a daughter with a double-barrelled surname but I couldn't remember in which order the names were so I asked. Simple! Everyone deserves to be addressed by their proper name so why can't they make an effort to get his name right? I'm grateful for any cards and gifts he receives and don't want to appear ungrateful by correcting them on his surname but can't see any other way? We've tried telling them in a roundabout way! I have Aspergers myself so would worry about trying to correct someone politely and getting it wrong (as I often do) and coming across as rude. Anyone else have a similar issue with double-barrelled names?

In answer to your original question, yes, I think your Aspergers is causing you to over react

Actually she didn’t ask that. The OP’s reference to Asperger’s was about how to address it.

And plenty of people who do not say they have Asperger’s have said they are irritated by people mid-naming them or their children.

DD2 is planning on double-barrelling her name with her fiance's name when they marry so that her surname will carry on. It'll be a mouthful for the kids (her surname has 10 letters) but that will be their name, like it or not. I hate when people get names wrong. DD2's first name is quite common, but with a slightly uncommon spelling. My name is not common, but not out there, but is not the expected English spelling (its the Scottish spelling) and I have to explain how to spell it on a stunningly regular basis.

All that aside, your child is Peter Smith-Jones and I would tell anyone who gets it wrong each and every time. It is simply rude. XH had an aunt who insisted she had never heard of my name, that it was made up and she called me something else, that started and ended with the same letter. Oddly enough, she never did it to my DM, who had the same name, so I started writing cards etc to her with different names that started and ended with the same letters. She hated that, so the cards stopped. She knew she was in the wrong, but because she was older than me, assumed that I wouldn't challenge her. She was simply rude.

If you and your partner had chosen to combine your surnames as BOTH your new names, then it would perhaps have been easier for folk to understand.
My DH and I both have the same double-barelled surname yet still some people (e.g. in phone calls to utility companies) refer to me by the second half of my surname. I just say "it's Smith-Jones actually" every bloody time. You'd be surprised at how many of them then say "oh, I'm sorry Mrs Jones" every bloody time.

What I find sad about this post is the number of people who have replied just to give their opinion of double-barrelled surnames.

The OP wasn't asking for anyone's opinion.

Why are some people so judgemental?

What is wrong with some people. Why does everyone want to stand out with something that just causes issues down the line.

Exactly. Why do people think they are so special just because they don't want to conform?

If you have a large circle of family and friends and they all choose to have three names within the one family why should people have to try and work out what name goes with which person.

Btw to the inevitable where will it all end question: you do realise that many countries around the world routinely use double barrelled names? The very very simple solution that doesn't take much of a brain to work out: you give the new child half of each parents' name. Tada! That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Absolutely ridiculous!!

I have strong feelings on this, coloured by the fact that I set myself a lockdown task of creating a spreadsheet of all of the business cards that I have collected over the years. I cannot describe the joy when I come across a Ben Smith or a Rami Dev and I feel a (disproportionate) contempt for people who insist on Dr, Prof, hyphenated, double-barrel, Al something Bin something, odd spelling or anything longer than 3 syllables. It's not personal, it's just giving me a headache.

If you have a large circle of family and friends and they all choose to have three names within the one family why should people have to try and work out what name goes with which person.

Personally I go through the (admittedly arduous and backbreaking) rigmarole of:

1. Asking them what name they use/they’re using for the kids, and
2. Writing it down.

I know, I’m a fucking saint. Totally OTT. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect anyone to go to all that trouble and inconvenience for people they care about.

Don't drop it. I have a different surname and nationality to DD and travelling is a pain in the area!

This is interesting - I’m a different nationality from my kids but they have both my surname and DH’s, and I’ve never had any issues with travelling. Even more glad I did it!

I'm not wild about double barrelled names. But I wouldn't dream of not respecting the choice of someone to use them. That is your son's name and therefore that is what people should be addressing him by. It's not rocket science.

Maybe I'm thick as mince but I simply can't assign enough cognitive power to remember all the yoonique spellings and three different names of every cousin in the family. In one family there are three surnames and two yoonique spelling. That's one cousin. Of many many many cousins. Can I be arsed? No. So I send a package to the Smiths (whomever I know best is Smith, not the man) first names on presents and if you return to sender, one less chore next year.

I've never understood this argument. Because weirdly, it only occurs within families. I assume you have a wide contact list of friends, acquaintance, colleagues etc whose names are all different but that you have no problem remembering them or ensuring you have a filing system that remembers them? I can never understand why it's so complicated when it's family.

It's interesting that in the UK it tends to be mother's name father's name whilst in Spanish speaking countries it's more usually father's name mother's name yet in both places it's the mother's name that gets dropped regardless of ordering...

I think if there's a double-barrelled surname that doesn't have a hyphen then it throws people off.

Totally not unreasonable to correct people. Your name is your name! Hopefully they'll learn it before they use it again 😅

@IllegalFred I know. So weird.

yet in both places it's the mother's name that gets dropped regardless of ordering...

If parents were sensible when naming their own children in the first place people wouldn’t have to be going round dropping ridiculous second surnames.

It doesn’t matter if you want the baby to have your surname or your partners, just pick one and be done with it. Don’t saddle a child with a double barrel name on some silly principle.

Ooh. Sorry OP, people are trying to save you and your son from yourself. This, er, isn't quite the thing. Its similar to having a personalised number plate on a pink car.

If parents were sensible when naming their own children in the first place people wouldn’t have to be going round dropping ridiculous second surnames.

Such a ridiculous comment in response to the fact that it's always the women's name then gets dropped.

If parents were sensible when naming their own children in the first place people wouldn’t have to be going round dropping ridiculous second surnames.

How very stupid of them to want their child to have a surname which includes both sides of the family.

I can't believe how rude and judgemental some people are being on this thread. Double barrelled names have been around for donkey's years and they are neither difficult to understand nor controversial.

When people have absurd reactions to them it's usually either because they think women wanting their child to have a surname from their side of the family is feminism gone mad, or because they associate double barrelled names with posh people and have crippling class insecurity.

But these are your issues to deal with. So deal with them, without being an insufferable twat who insists on calling someone by a name which is not their actual name, because you disagree with them or their parents about what their name should actually be.

Such a ridiculous comment in response to the fact that it's always the women's name then gets dropped.

I really don’t care whether it’s mother’s or father’s name that gets dropped. It doesn’t matter whether you give a baby the mother’s or the father’s surname, but there shouldn’t be any need for any surname dropping as you should only be giving it one.

there shouldn’t be any need for any surname dropping as you should only be giving it one

So give your kids one name if that's what you want, and let other people give their kids two names if that's what they want (because they are allowed to have a different opinion) and call people by their actual names because doing anything else is just rude.

I really don’t care whether it’s mother’s or father’s name that gets dropped. It doesn’t matter whether you give a baby the mother’s or the father’s surname, but there shouldn’t be any need for any surname dropping as you should only be giving it one.

Really, so why did you specifically pull out as a quote the fact that it is women's names being dropped.

Whatever. People can call their children whatever they like, even if it seems stupid (I'm looking at you Elon Musk).

Double barrelled names have been around for donkey's years and they are neither difficult to understand nor controversial.

They have but seem to have been proliferating in recent years to now being extremely common. What happens in the next generation when Peter Smith Jones and Emma Wilson Brown have a child together?

What happens in the next generation when Peter Smith Jones and Emma Wilson Brown have a child together?

They decide what their child's name will be and then they tell people. Same as everyone else.

Really, so why did you specifically pull out as a quote the fact that it is women's names being dropped.

Because the dropping of the name was what was relevant and I didn’t want to quote your entire post

But the dropping of the name isn't relevant at all.

The parents decide what a child is called. When a child is born, the parents will tell everyone what the child's name is and everyone should respect that. When the child is older, if the child decides to do something different, everyone should respect that. It's really not a given that the child will drop half their double barrelled surname later (lots of people don't) and if they do, it should be the child who decides which part they wish to drop.

This is really not complicated.

It would irritate me too, OP.

It's perfectly normal for two parents to give the child a name each and not be married. I've done this with mine. I used a hyphen to make it clear.

I also understand not being married but calling your partner your husband, I do this sometimes, we just having got around to a wedding. We'll do it at some point for legal purposes.

I actually find using the dads surname or taking it at marriage quite strange. It might be tradition, but it's deeply patriarchal.

Double barrelling makes it equal. It's also already common practice in other countries like Spain.

When the child grows up and gets married themselves they can decide for themselves what they want to name to be.

Either they are doing it deliberately, which would make them either rude, lazy or sexist, maybe all three, or they genuinely can't remember after several reminders, which makes them stupid.

As a half Spaniard, I find people's attitudes towards double barrelled names on here pretty ridiculous. Are you really unable to remember a slightly longer name? That's worrying. What about people with foreign names? Do you just not bother with those either if they're too hard for you to care about remembering?