Double-barrelled surname. To correct people?

[Daybydaybyday87]

Hello,
I know this is very insignificant in light of what's happening in the world at present but it has been an irritation of mine since my son was born. He has a double-barrelled surname (let's say Peter Smith-Jones, for example. Not his real name!) and some people consistently omit the Smith and write Peter Jones on envelopes of cards etc. It always irks me as it isn't his proper name!! When we sent birth announcement cards out we put his full name on there yet many relatives will still get it wrong. I'm always conscious of not hurting feelings and not causing offence but when it happens time and time again by the same individuals it gets a bit wearing. For cards and presents he receives he always writes a thank you note and puts from Peter Smith-Jones but yet again they just assume he's Peter Jones. If I'm not sure of someone's surname before writing a card, I'll always check in advance rather than write it incorrectly. A friend of mine has a daughter with a double-barrelled surname but I couldn't remember in which order the names were so I asked. Simple! Everyone deserves to be addressed by their proper name so why can't they make an effort to get his name right? I'm grateful for any cards and gifts he receives and don't want to appear ungrateful by correcting them on his surname but can't see any other way? We've tried telling them in a roundabout way! I have Aspergers myself so would worry about trying to correct someone politely and getting it wrong (as I often do) and coming across as rude. Anyone else have a similar issue with double-barrelled names?

1. double barrelled names sound pretentious and stupid. Agree with a PP that I’d love to see what happened when 2 double barrelled get together. Where does the madness end?!?
2. it’s hilarious that you refer to your boyfriend as your husband but have different names and your child also has a different name to you both
3. it’s insane to have 3 different surnames between the 3 of you, and to expect people to differentiate. For goodness bloody sake. If you all want to be double barrelled Idiots then all be - don’t saddle your child with it whilst maintaining your own names. Or just pick one name! Or get married - any of the above.

Just to add that I am expecting a second cii child. We wanted to give him a name from the country of his father. There is a recognised UK spelling and there is a spelling from that country. We aren’t attention seeking idiots who need to draw attention to our yooniqueness so are spelling it the English way to prevent years and years of DS having to explain his fucking name.

What is wrong with some people. Why does everyone want to stand out with something that just causes issues down the line.

Could they be doing it deliberately as they don't agree with the double barrelling?
I didn't realise it was a contentious issue but some of the posts on here make it seem as if it might be to some strange people.

It's not just double barrelled names. I changed my surname when I married, but DS was registered with my original surname and we kept it the same, the number of people who have assumed he has our surname though, even some family, who address post to him with the wrong name. We only didn't double barrel because it would have sounded ridiculous. My DSS has changed his name to double barrel it with his wife's name, and has also had issues with people omitting the first part of the name. Its laziness and assumptions.

Wow, @crispysausagerolls, you really don't like people doing things differently to how you do them, do you?

double barrelled names sound pretentious and stupid

In your opinion. I think your post sounds judgemental and stupid.

Agree with a PP that I’d love to see what happened when 2 double barrelled get together. Where does the madness end?!?

They choose what name(s) they would like to be known as and then they tell people. And if those people are not total dickheads, they respect their wishes.

Really not complicated.

it’s hilarious that you refer to your boyfriend as your husband but have different names and your child also has a different name to you both

Is it? I refer to my husband as my husband but we have different names. Is that hilarious too? You must have an odd sense of humour.

it’s insane to have 3 different surnames between the 3 of you, and to expect people to differentiate

Why is it insane to expect people to remember something that is actually quite easy provided you are not a complete moron?

If you all want to be double barrelled Idiots then all be - don’t saddle your child with it whilst maintaining your own names. Or just pick one name! Or get married - any of the above.

They aren't married though. And getting married is an entirely separate issue to what surname you have.

Just to add that I am expecting a second cii child. We wanted to give him a name from the country of his father. There is a recognised UK spelling and there is a spelling from that country. We aren’t attention seeking idiots who need to draw attention to our yooniqueness so are spelling it the English way to prevent years and years of DS having to explain his fucking name.

Good for you. Have a

@peperethecat

Ahhh. Someone who thinks a biscuit emoji is the height of humour! Lovely.

Silly to say surname and marriage are a separate issue when they have been intertwined since the origins of marriage. Just because the trend is changing it still happens more often than not and is part of the history of marriage.

Silly to say surname and marriage are a separate issue when they have been intertwined since the origins of marriage. Just because the trend is changing it still happens more often than not and is part of the history of marriage.

You do realise this isn't even a little bit true in many other cultures around the world, right?

Even in certain cultures which some white Europeans like to look down on as being misogynistic and stuck in the dark ages don't automatically expect their women to change her name to a man's when she marries.

Basically it's got fuck all to do with marriage and everything to do with whether deep down you consider that marriage represents the transfer of ownership of a woman from her father to her husband.

I totally get this. I kept my surname rather than taking my husbands, and NONE of our relatives on either side respect this. My grandparents I let go as I know that they were looking at it as a tradition, but my siblings..... I now correct them every time. And ask them how they think I can dismantle the patriarchy using my husband's name. Just correct, correct, correct.....

People don't get it wrong because it's difficult. They get it wrong deliberately to show their disapproval of people who don't conform.

Nonsense. You clearly have a paranoia problem. I have a lovely friend, with a lovely partner and lovely man. Not married, all have w names but different. I really struggle to remember which is which. She's fine with it and doesn't care. There is zero disapproval.

I hate it when people just rename you to suit themselves. I had 2 birthday cards from my husband's family arrive yesterday addressed to Mrs Polka Pixie when they know full well that I kept my maiden name and double barrelled it to Dot-Pixie

They didn't agree with me doing it at the time and it's just a subtle dig every time they use my name. They even bought us a hideous gift as a wedding present engraved with Mr & Mrs Pixie despite the fact I am not and never will be Mrs Pixie

DS has only DH's name and I want the link of us sharing a name, otherwise I'd drop it completely just to prove a point

We have a double-barrelled surname and it’s generally used correctly but sometimes people only use one half of it. There’s no rhyme nor reason as to which half they decide to use (sometimes mine, sometimes DH’s) and we don’t really mind if it’s strangers or casual acquaintances who make the mistake.
However if our family members didn’t bother to use our correct surname then we would definitely say something, as it would demonstrate a real lack of care and consideration.

She's fine with it and doesn't care.

Uh huh. There's definitely no chance that she is secretly irritated by it and doesn't want to make things awkward or have a row with you, but would actually really prefer it if you made the effort to get her name right.

DS has only DH's name and I want the link of us sharing a name, otherwise I'd drop it completely just to prove a point

Don't drop it. I have a different surname and nationality to DD and travelling is a pain in the area!

You have a complex inner life @peperethecat

My relationships really aren't that passive aggressive. If she was pissed off, she'd tell me. We have a very honest relationship.

I also don't play 'psychic investigation' with my friends. If you want something, tell me or let it go.

My surname is double barrelled and I learned early on to correct people if I needed to, so you could wait and see if your DS cares. For cards I wouldn't bother, though.

All the people suggesting that it's a terrible hindrance and most people drop one as teenagers: I didn't, and have gone on to give DD a (different) double barrelled surname too. She has half mine plus DPs.

Btw to the inevitable where will it all end question: you do realise that many countries around the world routinely use double barrelled names? The very very simple solution that doesn't take much of a brain to work out: you give the new child half of each parents' name. Tada! That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Silly to say surname and marriage are a separate issue when they have been intertwined since the origins of marriage.

You clearly don’t realise that the act of marriage has been around for over 4,000 years, yet surnames were only introduced into England after 1066 (by, shock horror, the Normans, with their odd, attention seeking foreign names).

I don't have a "complex inner life". I moved abroad to get married and for me, changing my surname would not only feel like abandoning the identity I had before I got married, but also my own national and cultural identity. I have not changed my name. My husband is fine with that. When my in laws need to write my name down they put both surnames but I'm fine with that because it feels like they're acknowledging my choice but also claiming me as one of their own.

It's when my own friends and family send stuff to me addressed to Mrs Hisname when they know full well that I haven't changed my name (my mother does this all the time) and when the healthcare system here refuses to use my actual surname because computer says no that I get really pissed off.

I decide what my name is. Me. No one else. If you don't respect my choice then I don't respect you.

Those on the thread that dislike double barrelled names would really like my friend Bev.
She is Bev Fishbone, and she and her partner Gary Fishfork recently got married.*
She is now Bev Fishbone-Fishfork and he is Gary Fishfork-Fishbone.

*Not their real names

If you want something, tell me or let it go.

The fact that you know that her name is X and you are calling her Y or YZ or whatever you damn well feel like because it's so hard to remember that her name is X is the key here.

She has told you what her name is, just as she told everybody in her life what her name is, and continues to tell everybody in her life what her name is every single time she introduces herself or writes it down.

When she says what her name is, she is telling you to call her that. She shouldn't need to specifically tell her to call her by the name that you already know is her name.

These same individuals who get it wrong, send them a card mis-spelt just for a laugh!!

We are very similar to you OP. Unmarried and four kids with double barrelled surnames. Ours don’t even have a hyphen. And to complicate matters the first surname (mine) could also be used as a Christian name for either sex.

It is endlessly irritating: even lovely friends who get our kids’ name right get over enthusiastic and call DH and myself by the double barrelled name too.

And yes, DH and I have been together 28 years. Boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t cover it.

I don't think my family members have even needed to write down my children's surname ever.

Our kids get lots of their birthday cards through the post Ruby. But for us we have also had problems with things like school registers and doctors records and prescriptions. I’ve even filled in forms to open bank accounts for them and the paperwork has come back and part of their surname has been moved to middle name on the account. So basically some bank clerk has ignored what I’ve written and decided they know better what their surname is.

Ah ok. My family is small and we all live in the same city.