Double-barrelled surname. To correct people?

[Daybydaybyday87]

Hello,
I know this is very insignificant in light of what's happening in the world at present but it has been an irritation of mine since my son was born. He has a double-barrelled surname (let's say Peter Smith-Jones, for example. Not his real name!) and some people consistently omit the Smith and write Peter Jones on envelopes of cards etc. It always irks me as it isn't his proper name!! When we sent birth announcement cards out we put his full name on there yet many relatives will still get it wrong. I'm always conscious of not hurting feelings and not causing offence but when it happens time and time again by the same individuals it gets a bit wearing. For cards and presents he receives he always writes a thank you note and puts from Peter Smith-Jones but yet again they just assume he's Peter Jones. If I'm not sure of someone's surname before writing a card, I'll always check in advance rather than write it incorrectly. A friend of mine has a daughter with a double-barrelled surname but I couldn't remember in which order the names were so I asked. Simple! Everyone deserves to be addressed by their proper name so why can't they make an effort to get his name right? I'm grateful for any cards and gifts he receives and don't want to appear ungrateful by correcting them on his surname but can't see any other way? We've tried telling them in a roundabout way! I have Aspergers myself so would worry about trying to correct someone politely and getting it wrong (as I often do) and coming across as rude. Anyone else have a similar issue with double-barrelled names?

They are probably not accepting it because you are being weird and anal about it... Instead of tackling the issue head on, and bringing it up to them you have been writing passive aggressive thank you notes with sons full name. Yes I know you haven't done it in a passive aggressive way, but because it's his name... However, I was a relative and addressed a gift to A. C, and received a thank you note from A. B-C, without the parent mentioning it to me I would have found it very passive aggressive, and would then carry on addressing to AC until you actually mentioned it.

Overall, you are being way too precious about it, it's just a name. If you didn't want people to fuck about with the name, you should have chosen a simpler name. I gave an unusual name for my daughters and keep having to repeat them to people who get it wrong and keep spelling it wrong. I don't mind as I knew that it was likely to happen when I chose the names.
Also, I realise you have aspergers but you have been quite rude in your replies to others posters who have commented on how strange it is that u call your partner husband when u are not married and how strange u gave double barreled name when u haven't taken it. You asked for opinions on a public forum. People will express their opinions about everything and anything you have said, whether you like it or not.

I haven't as yet as I don't want to be rude especially as sometimes they post cards with money or vouchers in.

They are the ones being rude. Say it politely the first time.

False double barrelled names are so very pretentious.

What is false about Mothersname-Fathersname, exactly?

Meh. Double-barrelled names are a pain in the neck, you may as well learn to live with this because it's not going to change.

They are probably not accepting it because you are being weird and anal about it... Instead of tackling the issue head on, and bringing it up to them you have been writing passive aggressive thank you notes with sons full name. Yes I know you haven't done it in a passive aggressive way, but because it's his name... However, I was a relative and addressed a gift to A. C, and received a thank you note from A. B-C, without the parent mentioning it to me I would have found it very passive aggressive, and would then carry on addressing to AC until you actually mentioned it.

What a crock of... nonsense.

How on earth is using her son's actual name being "weird and anal" about it?

If you send a card or gift to Peter Jones and they or their mother replies with a thank you note from Peter Smith-Jones, you should take note that you got their name wrong and use the correct name next time. You shouldn't need to wait for them to actually pull you up on it and create an awkward and embarrassing situation when you know perfectly well what name you should be using because you have eyes and can read.

If you actually did do this, you would be being incredibly rude. And definitely the "weird and anal" one of the two. It's not "weird and anal" to use your child's correct name. It is "weird and anal" (and RUDE) to deliberately refer to someone by an incorrect name because you disagree with their parents' decision to double-barrel.

I went to school or uni with 3 people who had this. Without exception, by now at the age of 40, all 3 of them have quietly dropped the first part of the double barrel and have a single surname.

So, my very unscientific survey of people I know tells me that it’s going to happen anyway so don’t worry about it.

It’s nothing short of ignorance for them to incorrectly name him.
Ignorance and plain rude!

Do you also get arsey if you are referred to as Mrs Smith-Jones? Seeing as you're not married and you have have given your child a different surname to you and your husband, I'm not surprised people get it wrong.

Why don't you and your DP change your names by deedpoll and neaten it all up?

For me it would depend on the age of the person and their intent. If they are elderly they may genuinely just assume that your DS has his father's name as was tradition. If they're younger, then they are either ignorant or just lazy.

My DH and I went double-barrelled after we got married and people still get it wrong. The only time it bothers me is when I know the offender is doing it on purpose. One family member insists on calling me Mrs Husband's name and I know she only does it because she's a control freak. But I'm buggered if I'm going to let her know that it annoys me!

But I totally get that you want your DS to be addressed correctly. If it's your family who are doing it then maybe you just need to be straight with them. If it's your DH's family then he should be telling them.

Are you me, OP?? Hah.

We get this all the time with DD and indeed me and DH ourselves. We double barrelled our surnames when we got married over 6 years ago and relatives still often use wrong versions. So many cheques over the years we have been unable to bank due to incorrect names. I've never raised it with any relatives, don't see the point in causing conflict. They're being a mixture of lazy and rude, I don't care too much, I don't dwell on it. To be fair I guess one difference is that we don't exclusively get DH's surname, it's all manner of mixed up versions. I got a lot of DHs surname in the first couple of years after marriage but people eventually caught on or got over it or whatever and it's been more of a mixed bag over time. Also lots of spelling errors as my maiden surname is from a different culture, although it's not long and is spelled phonetically

Why don't you and your DP change your names by deedpoll and neaten it all up?

Something tells me Mr Jones isn't likely to agree to being called Mr Smith, and even if he does, his family will continue to refer to him as Mr Jones anyway.

@PotteringAlong I wish I had done that but whichever bit I'd dropped the other parent would have been pissed off. Also I wanted same surname as my sister. Maybe we should have just chosen a new surname we both liked and deed polled ourselves!

@JudyCoolibar yes. Whenever I see a "should I double barrel?" Or "which way round to double barrel" thread I want to yell No! Don't do it! Think of the children!

I think lots of people have silly/weird/pita/non traditional names. However, as I'm not a dick, I don't decide to refer to Chardonnay as Rachel, or BillieJoRose as Joyce.
Therefore I try my best to use their given or preferred names - I'm myname, dh is hisname, and ds is myname-hisname and it drives me absolutely insane when people who know full well what our names our choose not to use them. In that case I am tempted to use their middle name or another random name as I think it would be better/ more appropriate/can't be bothered to write other names on the envelope

But it doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks about double barrelling.

The OP's son's surname is "Smith-Jones", and so that is what people should call him. If he decides later in life that he wants to be just "Smith" or just "Jones" then that's up to him.

But unless and until that happens, people should use the correct name.

This is not rocket science.

99% of people that use the wrong name in these situations are doing it deliberately because they disagree with the parents' decision to double barrel, or with a woman's decision not to change her name after marriage. They know perfectly well what the correct name it but just choose not to use it. It's rude and disrespectful.

I do think people get a bit precious about names, I frequently get called the wrong name ... doesn’t bother me at all. I have never used the surname on my birth certificate and it has never been a problem, I have been married twice, applied for passports etc and it’s never been queried. My DS has a short name ie; Jim not James (as an example) on his birth certificate, he is often called ‘James’ ... it just amuses him.

Don’t sweat the small stuff .

In answer to your original question, yes, I think your Aspergers is causing you to over react.

At best they are being dippy and at worst they are having the mildest of passive aggressive digs at you. Either way, the best approach is to say nothing to them but to have a little giggle to yourself whenever you see the envelopes.

Me, I snigger every time a get a letter from my mum addressed to Mrs Husband'sFullName, like Mrs Peter Smith.

Definitely not worth creating grey hairs over.

It is disrespectful OP.

I have a Welsh name which has an English equivalent - think Sian which is Welsh for Jane. Some people on knowing this, prefer to call me Jane. Rude and disrespectful. I insist on being called Sian.

I don't see why it's any different with a surname. It's someone else deciding that my name should be something which it isn't and therefore discarding it.

If I give my DC a Welsh name, like Mari and Tomos and DH's family insisted on pronouncing and/or spelling them as Mary and Thomas, that would be rude. It would also be rude if my parents decided to refer to them as Mari and Tomos Myname, instead of Mari and Tomos DHname, for example.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Just because it's small stuff to you doesn't mean it's small stuff to everyone else.

Sorry to say this but most kids with a double barrelled surname drop one half in their teens anyway

This is true of my nephews and nieces. Their parents are actually married too. They prefer to keep it simple.

It's rude, ignorant, disrespectful, presumptuous and lazy! Names matter. Parents decide a child's name. Nobody has the right to change, tinker or ignore, whatever they may think privately.

Just keep correcting them, politely, even while thanking them.

"By the way, do remember DS's name is actually Peter Smith-Jones, won't you? I'd hate anything you so kindly sent to go astray in the post!"

Start using the wrong name for them. Then when they bring it up say "I know how you feel, people always call Peter, Peter Jones when he's actually Peter Smith Jones, drives me mad!"

This can't be an issue very often though, how many times does it occur in a year?! People are referred to mostly by their first name, they don't get the whole formal name/surname very often.

I’d tel them you were all planning on being the smith-Jones when you marry but so many people seem confused with little Peter’s name you’ve agreed to all be the your names.

Oh and use the wrong name for them. Elizabeth hates being called Bet. I’d go out of my way to use it.

When push comes to shove, children care about their first names. Do they really care about their last?

Yes. Part of my children’s last name is unusual and open to mispronunciation (but is blessedly short and if people approached it phonetically they’d be just fine.) People sometimes get it wrong, including some teachers at school. My eldest cares. Particularly when they’ve had it pointed out more than once.

GinDaddy
How exactly do you think these ‘proper’ hyphenated names came into being? Other than children being named when 2 families came together?

Giving a child the names of both parents is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Mine is Smith (let's say) and his dad is Jones. Relatives on both sides of the family omit the Smith part
Yup. Patriarchal assumptions, sexist bollocks , with maybe a coating of passive aggression from people who think like GinDaddy et al.

I think it's a bit optimistic to expect people to keep track of the fact that a child's surname is not the same as either of his parents.