Double-barrelled surname. To correct people?

[Daybydaybyday87]

Hello,
I know this is very insignificant in light of what's happening in the world at present but it has been an irritation of mine since my son was born. He has a double-barrelled surname (let's say Peter Smith-Jones, for example. Not his real name!) and some people consistently omit the Smith and write Peter Jones on envelopes of cards etc. It always irks me as it isn't his proper name!! When we sent birth announcement cards out we put his full name on there yet many relatives will still get it wrong. I'm always conscious of not hurting feelings and not causing offence but when it happens time and time again by the same individuals it gets a bit wearing. For cards and presents he receives he always writes a thank you note and puts from Peter Smith-Jones but yet again they just assume he's Peter Jones. If I'm not sure of someone's surname before writing a card, I'll always check in advance rather than write it incorrectly. A friend of mine has a daughter with a double-barrelled surname but I couldn't remember in which order the names were so I asked. Simple! Everyone deserves to be addressed by their proper name so why can't they make an effort to get his name right? I'm grateful for any cards and gifts he receives and don't want to appear ungrateful by correcting them on his surname but can't see any other way? We've tried telling them in a roundabout way! I have Aspergers myself so would worry about trying to correct someone politely and getting it wrong (as I often do) and coming across as rude. Anyone else have a similar issue with double-barrelled names?

I used to have and my DD has a double-barreled surname.
And it's not easy but it's always used.
That's her name!!!
Very odd not to use the full surname.

Do the three of you have the same surname?

Even if not though, the assumption that he must have his dad's surname is annoying.

@Daybydaybyday87
No apology needed at all. I was genuinely curious not critical. I am old and I always hope younger people would be able to, to feel comfortable enough, not refer to boyfriend as husband if they aren't married. A sign the world might have grown up a bit and accepted women.

Sorry if I'm not making sense, it makes sense in my head!

Hi OP first of all I understand the whole "he's my husband" I do exactly the same :) I gave a doubt barrelled surno because that's what we do in Hispanic countries. Most people omit the first obe, it's very annoying especially because in my home country the first one carries more weight than the secind one. Our baby has both our surnames he's only 6 months so a long way to go until we can see if people address him as Mr x, mr y, or mr x-y

@seriouslyretro
I'm not concerned if you or anyone else thinks it's odd. The point here is that relatives regularly get our son's name wrong. Regardless of what I call husband, regardless of what he calls me. We can refer to each other as we choose without the need to justify it? Yes we are planning on getting married in the future. It was supposed to be last year but MIL was very ill so we postponed. That's by the by though.

I wonder if they are assuming you will take you're husbands name when the marriage does happen.

Perhaps the way to convince them would be you as a couple becoming double barreled and sending a 'hope you're doing well From the Smith-Jones family'

Would you/future husband consider merging your names?

Sorry to say this but most kids with a double barrelled surname drop one half in their teens anyway.

Is the name hyphenated (and is that clear from your handwriting)?
If I got a birth announcement for Peter Smith-Jones, I would be certain that the surname was Smith-Jones but, if I got an announcement for a Peter Smith Jones, I would assume that Smith was a middle name and would write to Peter Jones.
I think if there is a clear hyphen then YANBU.

You've chosen a complicated system, so have I. DD has DH's name but I don't though we are married. I don't care about last names. If you do something out of the ordinary, it is a little entitled to expect everyone to check and remember. When push comes to shove, children care about their first names. Do they really care about their last?

I wouldn't call and check a name, I'd fudge and hope for the best, as many people would.

I didn't take my husband's surname on marriage and constantly get written to as Mrs Hisname, by people who know full well that isn't my surname aka. everyone in DH's family over the age of 40 (his siblings and cousins address me correctly).

Same here, but my cousins are under 40. I have the same surname as them FFS, it's not hard to remember!

I don't understand why these relatives cannot just accept that's the child's name so let's use it correctly without having to coerce, tempt, convince them. It's not their business why or how we decide to name our child. Also whether we are married or not. Its not relevant! We're not going to placate old aunt whoever and call him by something she agrees with in case she questions it and call him by his father's surname. People should accept a child's name regrardless. It's on his birth certificate, it's his official name.

@getoffthetablemabel its hyphenated

Peter Smith-Jones

Could always go the passive aggressive route and return the post with a 'Return to sender - no known name at this address'??

@mrsterrypratchett you would fudge it? Would you mind if someone got your name or child's name wrong just because they couldn't be bothered?

When push comes to shove, children care about their first names. Do they really care about their last?

I suspect many don't, but some do. I remember discovering that my grandmother, matriarch of all my dad's side of the family, had her own name and her own family from which she had sprung. She loved talking about how we were all grandfather-names and she was a her-name and how we could all get stuffed it opened my eyes to how she had a history of her own.

My own kids are very aware that they share a name with their dad but not me and are curious about the exploits of the my-names; they also enjoy tales of their dad's side and the dad-names. So I think some do care a bit. On my own account, it also links to my dad's culture and gives me an overt connection to that; that's important to me and will be to a lot of kids as they age.

@balloonslayer I am aware he may do this in future and that's OK. I'm talking about here and now. His choice then when he is older

If you want to do something that is potentially unconventional and so on (give your children an invented double-barrel surname when you and your partner, not married, carry single surnames) then you have to expect how easy it will be to get it wrong.

This is not unconventional at all.

I mean, it's hardly rocket science.

OP, have you tried being direct with people?

"It bothers me when you address our son as "Jones" when his name is "Smith-Jones". It makes me feel as though his father is the only parent who matters and I'm not important."

My parents did this, so I was lumbered with a double barrelled surname. From my experience get used to it, then when your child's older they will have to get used to it too. Half a surname used, can't find prescriptions when you collect them, always having to spell it out, people using an apostrophe not a hyphen,people just using husband'ssurname anyway... I didn't pass anything double barrelled on to my child because it has been such a headache for me.
I do undermine my argument by jot having taken my husband's surname when we married, which would have made my life easier. But that's a whole other (feminist) issue.

People are being stubborn and rude I think. We have done the same with our surname (because I'm the last in my family with my surname and didn't want it to die out - I do find it interesting that I feel driven to excuse why my name is included but I'll imagine men never do)

Everyone knows our surname, except FIL who disagrees with my name being there at all and so will refer to our son as "Master DH's name" - I just ignore it now

Would you mind if someone got your name or child's name wrong just because they couldn't be bothered?

People give me DH's last name all the time because we're married. I correct them if it's legal. I say thanks if it's a present. I know they're a little old-fashioned and sexist but that's not the hill I'm dying on.

My DDs have my surname, with DHs as a second middle name. DHs family always address letters, parcels etc the other way round, as if they’re double barrelled with DHs name last.

I literally couldn’t care less - you can’t control what other people do, but if you choose to let it bother you then that’s your call.

@peperethecat I haven't as yet as I don't want to be rude especially as sometimes they post cards with money or vouchers in. I am autistic so worry about coming across as ungrateful and hurting anyone's feelings.

I agree that what we've done regarding his name is not unconventional. Its not a hard concept to grasp. He has my name and his father's, hyphenated, as a surname.

False double barrelled names are so very pretentious.

I have a very blond son with Hispanic heritage, so we’ve used FirstName MiddleName DadsName MyName, with the last two names constituting a double surname with no hyphen. We get a mix of responses but I can’t get too worked up about it. I’ve kept my maiden name despite being married, with which my family disagree, but in the end of the day it’s my choice. I can’t get work up about it, too much.

YAabsolutelyNBU to correct people though. I would do so over the phone or in person, with a kind and gentle but direct reminder. And tbh I’d add something like “it’s not like one or other half is less important just because we’re not yet married, after all” with a bright smile. I suspect it’s snobbery about that which is causing your relatives’ “forgetfulness”.

It does bother me yes. Its disrespectful and stubborn and thoughtless.

Thanks for all input in the thread. I need to go shopping now but appreciate all replies.