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Original poster

Is having children the be all and end all?

228 replies

StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 11:28

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

OP posts:
EmpressLangClegInChair · 20/05/2020 21:09

This is a bit beside the point but there are a lot of women on here saying they don't have children and don't want children - why are you on a website that's a forum for parents?

Bingo!

Mtbf · 20/05/2020 21:14

No it’s not. Very hard work. One reason why so many people get divorced

Disco91 · 20/05/2020 21:16

I sometimes think I'd never be fully happy either way and it's a catch 22.

Now that I have a child I spend time longing for the freedom of being child free and my prior life. However from how broody I was before having my son I think I'd never have been fully happy child free if I hadn't had any!

planningaheadtoday · 20/05/2020 21:31

At the time yes, it really was. I was so desperate to have a baby of my own.

Now, it's such hard work having young adults/ teenagers. Really relentless.

I absolutely love them to bits but boy is it hard.

My friend couldn't have children and is Godmother to two of mine. She is so happy to be a doting parent from a distance. The children adore her and will stay weeks before coming home.

I think she's got it in the bag!

missmouse101 · 20/05/2020 22:04

No they're not. I actually think that children are overrated.

Lovely1a2b3c · 20/05/2020 22:09

I'm 32 and in a very similar situation to you OP (including the chronic illness and living back with parents). I would really like to meet the right guy and have kids but I'm trying to adjust to the idea that that might well not happen. It's hard!

Original poster
StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 22:18

@Lovely1a2b3c Sending you 💐💐💐💐 and hugs xxx

OP posts:
schnubbins · 20/05/2020 22:19

No.They are not.Mine are young adults now and have turned out to be good responsible young men.But it was a long and lonely fight to get them there. I'm not too sure I would do it again.

ofsheffield · 20/05/2020 22:21

No it certainly isn't the be all and end all. I wanted children and am lucky enough to have them but it is extremely tiring and hard work and drives me to the brink of insanity at times. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted them!

Wearywithteens · 20/05/2020 22:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

66redballons · 20/05/2020 22:36

Yes.

Herecomestreble1 · 20/05/2020 22:41

I never really wanted a baby, but I do want a family and I wanted to add to mine and DH's wider families..it isn't the be all and end all for us and if it doesn't happen I think I could eventually be ok with that.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 21/05/2020 08:17

*But then I do find the thread police spectacularly tedious.
*
Yy.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/05/2020 09:12

I know this is super mean as we're being honest, I loved being a Mammy to one DC.
the balance was lovely I felt like myself while a DM.
We had lovely times, when DD was 6 I had DS it didn't help he was born crying, he's still a grumpy high maintenance DC.
The past 5 years have been a blur.

Levatrice · 21/05/2020 09:14

Absolutely not the be all and end all. Overrated in fact

BossAssBitch · 21/05/2020 09:30

No, of course having children is not the be all and end all Smile

DH and I don't want children, our lives are fulfilled, happy and complete.

I always think it sounds a bit sad when people say, "My children are my life". What about when those children become teenagers and don't want to be with 'mummy' all the time Confused imagine how empty their lives must be to not have anything in their lives but their obsession with their kids. It's not healthy for either party. Those are the types that will tell you that kids are the be all and end all. Don't listen to them Grin

SerenDippitty · 21/05/2020 09:44

Yes I have friends whose Christmas updates are all about their (grown up) children. Nothing about them at all.

VeniceQueen2004 · 21/05/2020 09:53

@BossAssBitch

It's not like you need your children to be children forever to still be the most important thing to you Hmm I look forward to our relationship growing, changing, watching her become a woman and live her own life. I will be as big or small a part of that as she wants. That won't make me sad or empty. Why would her growth be to my detriment?

I think you don't understand what you're talking about tbh

Pupperee · 21/05/2020 10:01

Agree with BossAssBitch. My kids will never be my whole entire world. I think it's a bit sad when people don't appear to have anything else, as per PP those will likely be the type to tell you they are the be all and end all but I don't want that for me.

Love them, they are the most important thing in my life but they aren't my whole life, I have lots of other things that give me joy and make me feel fulfilled and I'm sure I'd have a fulfilling life without as well to be honest.

GettingUntrapped · 21/05/2020 10:06

Bossassbitch, totally agree re ' my kids are my whole world', 'my universe' etc. Not healthy at all for either party.
But the mother police encourage it, don't they.

ludothedog · 21/05/2020 10:12

Tbh it's about your own reality and very few of us get everything we want in life, whether its marriage, children, that 3rd child, the dream job with lots of money... it's about grieving what you can't have if you can't find a way to make it happen and then moving on with your life.

In my 30ies the reality struck me that I would never marry and have a traditional family. It nearly broke me and I spent 2 weeks in bed unable to get out. I took the time to mourn my future as I'd wanted it and came out the other side for a plan to move forward with the compromises that I could live with having said goodbye to that promised future.

Be honest with yourself, would your illness allow you to be a single parent? If so then find a way to have a baby, on your own. If bnot then give yourself time to grieve for your list children and then move on with your future without them. Find something else to focus on, a hobby, volunteer, become an activist, whatever. Make your life count in your way, even if your role is to be a kind and helpful keyboard warrior.

Lots of people will post anecdotal tales of finding love in later life and having children but it's ok to accept that this is unlikely to happen to you

thebabessavedme · 21/05/2020 10:30

I know 3 women who have decided that family was not for them, one is so utterly self absorbed, selfish and quite cold towards others that I think it was just as well she realised that 'mothering' was not in her make up. However, she just comes across as bitter towards other peoples family life. I think she will end up quite lonely.

The other 2 are very successful in their professions and are very happy and fulfilled, the thing is though is that that they are very kind, open and caring women, they have both taken an interest in my dd over the years and are very involved with charities/education etc to do with children and young people, one has set up a trust fund to go to a particular school in London with very high levels of need, her entire estate is left to this fund (which will be in the millions)

So I guess from what I have seen, having your own children is not always the be all and end all.

IcedPurple · 21/05/2020 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IcedPurple · 21/05/2020 10:44

Oops posted above on wrong forum. Have asked for post to be deleted.

BadLad · 21/05/2020 10:45

Having children isn't the be all and end all, but if you don't have them, be aware that many of your friends who do have them will infantilise you and assume that you coast through a fun-packed life which hasn't quite made it to adult levels.

See this thread from exactly a year ago.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3590955-Childless-couples

One example: I'm always fascinated by childfree couples who have a cleaner