Is having children the be all and end all?

[StavrosFlatley]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I think MN is a very special place; the way a group of total strangers can provide support and consolation to one another during a time of need.

I have always struggled with dealing with uncertainty (both with my illness by not knowing whether I'll be able to go into remission and live a more normal life and achieve my dreams, but also uncertainty in general). The fact is, having children also brings with it so much uncertainty. As I can see from your varied replies, it's a total gamble what kind of baby you will have - whether they'll enhance your life or make things more difficult. I have a sister who was a very difficult baby, child and teenager and saw how much my parents struggled. So I think I need to bear these things in mind when I see the picture perfect image presented on social media.

I'm still fairly young, so I guess anything could happen in the next 10 years. Just got to hope for the best. Sometimes that's all you can do in life.

For anyone who mentioned having children so that you're not lonely in your old age - I think that's a really selfish reason to have children. On my worst days when I've been really poorly, I have wished I was in a care home rather than having to inflict my parents with having to care for me, and I know I would feel the same when I'm old about children. Not having children would also allow me to save more money for a gold star care home!

If I don't have children, I can take inspiration from many of the childfree women mentioned in this post. I like the idea of charity work, further education, having animals and having lots of sleep! So there are many positives to focus on.

'So there are many positives to focus on.'

There really are. So glad you found this thread helpful x

This question is hard to answer because for some people- yes, having kids IS the be all and end all because that is what they always envisioned for their life. Its what they've always dreamed of, its what they craved and many people go through hell to become parents (eg multiple rounds of IVF etc).

Others happily choose not to have children and its never crossed their minds that anything is "missing". Therefore, your question can only really be answered on an individual, personal basis and will depend entirely on your own perspective on life.

For me personally, I always wanted kids (I have two) and if I was unable to have them I would have spent the rest of my life being sad about it. I wanted motherhood to be a part of my experience on this earth and so I guess for me, it was the be all and end all. That said, I dont judge others for making different life choices. For me, it was the be all and end all, I'm sure for others it isnt. Its really very personal.

I thought my DC would be my whole world and that nothing else would matter when they arrived my mum was this way with us but it was because she had a horribly abusive upbringing.

It was very different for me. I spent the first couple of years in regret. It just didn't live up to my expectations at all. Still doesn't if I'm honest but it has got easier and I do enjoy elements and love them dearly. A pp upthread said she thought she might miss out on a depth of emotion by not having DC - I would say not necessarily. A change in perception perhaps, but honestly (don't tell anyone) I got more of an emotional high the day I got my puppy!

I was single until I got together with my now DH when I was 33. We got married when I was 35. I had never really 'yearned' for a child but just sort of assumed that one day I would have one...

My DH had been married before - and as he had 2DC we assumed he was functioning OK. Eventually I suggested I stopped taking the pill and we would just wait to see what would happen. If I conceived, that would be good. If I didn't, we were not going to pursue anything further but just accept what nature had decided.

When I was 37 I became pregnant and later had my DS. Not a straight forward pregnancy as there were worries until he was born whether he was OK [this was back in the dark ages of 1992!].

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had not become pregnant...

I think when people say "they are my world", they take on board that it's their world right now and for a period of time. I think it just means you love them to be honest, not that you dont do anything else unrelated to children, ever. They dont really think they are going to be their world for the rest of their lives.

I dont anyhow. I want them to go off into the world and enjoy their lives, and when that happens, I will move onto other things and be fulfilled in another way. So I dont think its the case of feeling sorry for people who say that and thinking when their children grow up they will have nothing.

On another note I've heard people use that phrase, when it seems to be the opposite.

We don't have children, and one of the reasons we made this decision is that my DH has a chronic illness which may be inheritable. We both agreed that we wouldn't choose to inflict the pain and suffering he has undergone on a child, even if it was only potentially.
It annoys me when people tell me I couldn't possibly understand their feelings just because they are mothers - I may not be able to know the exact feeling but not having children doesn't mean I don't have empathy.
It annoys me when people assume that all mothers are wonderful and always put their children first/know what is best for them - there are some bloody awful mothers out there and quite a few who are mediocre at best.
But we just go for a drive in our two-seater sports car and realise not having children is fine.
Take care of your health first Stavros and try to enjoy life however it turns out.

'They dont really think they are going to be their world for the rest of their lives.'

Oh I think some really do! Lots of parents (mine included) do not cope at all well with their children growing up and becoming more independent, because the parents have that need to be needed, to be in control etc. Its pretty suffocating and very unhealthy

I think when people say they are my world when they're little means they come before a parent in choices.
For example If the house was on fire my first priority would be to get them rather than get out safe. if someone was going to seriously hurt them I'd die fighting to protect them. If there was little food I'd feed them before myself, same with clothes shoes etc I would go without to ensure they had them. It's not martyrdom it is out of love. It's hard to explain.

I think a lot of people who say their children are their world literally do mean it - their children are the centre of everything, their reason for existing and everything else is subsidiary. The problem with that is that those people are probably also the ones who struggle with their children growing up, becoming independent etc.

My children are the most important thing in my world. I would sacrifice everything else for them if necessary. And that's the key point - my children would prefer I spend 24/7 with them but a) that's not good for them and b) it's not good for me so I don't. But if I had to choose between feeding myself and feeding them, I'd choose them. So that sacrifice I'd be willing to make isn't something that is likely to come up every day or require I subsume myself to them forever.

And when they're strong, independent adults I'll be thrilled. But I suspect if I get a call when I'm 70 that they need a kidney, I'd still be the first one at the doctor asking if I can donate....

In a similar situation to you. Met my partner at 35, incapacitated by chronic illness soon afterwards. Been battling it for the last 8 years. We were just trying to start a family when I became ill.

I’ll be honest, it’s been really heartbreaking at times. I realise I’m not a person who was always desperate for children- I would have had them younger if I was.

I was very career focused in a very rewarding career prior to being ill (working in international development, in maternal & infant health, women/girl’s rights and reproductive health for vulnerable people). I would have been happy doing that for the rest of my life I think, whether we had kids or not. But that’s been impossible to continue.

It was just impossible to think about having kids for a lot of the time I’ve been ill. I did have a good spell about five years ago when I was forty and raised it with DH. He was very frank with me and said that he didn’t want to endanger my health further, that he knew my health would deteriorate with the extra strain and pressure of parenthood.

The thing is, my health did slide again about six months later, so he was right and I know he did it out of love for me as well as wondering how he would cope as a parent if I was incapacitated. There’s probably part of me that will never forgive him for not even being willing to discuss it a bit further though. I’m not proud of myself for that but it is what it is tbh.

It’s really heartbreaking sometimes and I don’t know if I will ever get over the wistful thinking and what ifs, especially when people ask me if we’re thinking of starting a family soon (I’m quite petite and look younger than I am so I still get asked this fairly regularly even though I’m 45) or I see people playing with their children.

It would be different if I had managed to do something else with my life. I keep trying but whenever I think I am starting to make some headway I have a relapse. I am very lucky to have the people I have in my life, who love and support me. But it’s really hard a lot of the time.

It's not the be all and end all, no. I love my children and they have made me a better person. I would 100% chose to have them
Again but also
Knowing what I know now, I would be ok without too. But with them being here , I wouldn't change it for the world. It's difficult being a parent but also really wonderful. Like being childless is difficult but also really wonderful. It's just life and not the be all and end all.

@BlingLoving Absolutely. There is a balance. You want them to develop independence to fly the nest as an confident adult when the time comes.

Oh I think some really do! Lots of parents (mine included) do not cope at all well with their children growing up

Agreed. My mum was like this, she's a little better now but when I was a late teen it was really suffocating. She wanted to be involved in everything, know everything about my life, be 'in' with all my friends.

I remember when I moved out she would cry hysterically and make me feel so so guilty saying she knew I was just never going to bother with her again (I did and do!). How she'd found something I'd wrote on as a child and it made her cry because it was like 'someone had died'.

Honestly it was ridiculous and so unhealthy. And yes I think some parents, mum's in particular, do get themselves like this because their children literally are their entire life.

@Pupperee That is awful emotionally blackmailing you.

It's honestly one of the reasons why I refuse to allow my children to become the centre of absolutely everything. I want to have my own life as well that I enjoy outside of them and that will still be there when they inevitably 'fly the nest' otherwise I can understand why someone would find it really difficult if they'd spent the past however many years where their children were the absolute be all and end all.

I doubt they are the be and end all. Personally lm struggling with fertility issues (no diagnosis sadly and 2 years of trying) and it appears if it won't happen for us. I have a great relationship and a fulfilling life so it's not dreadful. Being realistic having children is unlikely to be beneficial financially for us, physically for me or our relationship as a couple. We want children but do also like Iie in's after a busy week, dates out, exotic holidays etc. I think people under estimate the hard slog and massive amount of sacrifices having children mean you need to make E.g. some of my friends who get peeved that l can go on nights out, go on big holidays. I didn't choose it this way but it just happened 🤷‍♀️
Way too many people arrange their whole entire lives around their children and fixate to a degree. Understandable when they are very little but when they get a bit older then surely everyone needs their own life and balance

@BadLad all good points. I missed that thread but the cleaners question is comedy gold People sometimes infer my life is one long pleasure cruise, sorry to ruin that but l also am busy and have challenges.

The person who has impressed me most in life and has been the most emotionally mature person I've ever met was a 39 year old man with no children. (39 at the time - several years ago - is older now).

Personally I think children are a blessing and a gift and also a childfree/childless life can also be a blessing and a gift - all depends what the person does with their life and their attitude towards it

I often think I'd have found it much easier to be childfree if my husband also was. It played a big part in it really, he already had children and so we were never going to have this childfree life anyway. I was essentially tied to being a parent but without children so I think that did sway my decision. It made it more of a 'well why not?'.

If I'd had a partner with no kids and our life could have been our own, I think I'd have been very happy being childless to be honest.

@JessicaDay Thank you for sharing your story. It almost had me in tears because I can relate so much.

I think making peace with the cards life deals you with is a process and it takes time. Chronic illness has already taught me so much, and for that I'm actually very grateful. I'm so glad you also have people in your life who love and support you. Long term illness teaches you that you can get through anything if you have that foundation.

I'm so sorry that you have lost the career that you found so rewarding, but hopefully you will be able to get back to it one day. Never give up hope. You're amazing and I wish you all the best on your journey.

I live a childfree life, by choice, and I love it. I can confidently say that having a child would ruin my life. My life is full, busy and fulfilling without children, I have a great lifestyle and am not willing to compromise that.

I do feel sorry for the “my children are my world, couldn’t imagine life without them” brigade. If they are relying solely on their children for their happiness and contentment then they will struggle to cope when their children spread their wings. Similar to those who want a man (any man) to be in a relationship with rather than be on their own- they will never truly be happy in any relationship unless they are happy in themselves first.

I don't have children and don't want them. I do think I will miss out on feelings that you only get from having children but that's fine with me.

My life is full and enjoyable. I don't really have a "purpose" but then children are only a made up our prose anyway and really just perpetuate the futility of existence if you think about it.

I look after my nieces a lot. They are cute and funny and adorable but a lot of work and a lot of the time drags. I think parenting must be 20 percent wonderful moments and 80 percent drudgery. That trade off is not worth it for me.

A made up purpose, that should say.

'How she'd found something I'd wrote on as a child and it made her cry because it was like 'someone had died'.'

Seriously messed up, isnt it? I remember my dad saying something similar when I left Ireland and moved to London, along the likes of 'we see so little of you, you might as well be dead' thanks a lot, and, um, you could visit me occasionally you know!

I do feel sorry for the “my children are my world, couldn’t imagine life without them” brigade. If they are relying solely on their children for their happiness and contentment Please don't they'll find a hobby or mind DGC or volunteer.
You wouldn't want those with DC feeling sorry for you. Just live life and don't worry about another person's choice.