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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
peperethecat · 20/05/2020 09:26

I would be very tempted to tell them you're stopping visits until they tell you where he is. Unless they want to pay the maintenance themselves.

pooopypants · 20/05/2020 09:27

I'm in camp "absolutely fucking not"

They're enabling their son by their actions / inactions and they're no better than their son. Though it does make me wonder if there's more to their story. Like PP have mentioned, could he be in prison?

And to echo @fuckinghell, YES. A million times yes.

"Can we speak to DGD?"..... "sorry I don't know where she is"....

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 09:30

I think you should let your dd see her gp. As you say she doesn’t have much family and she enjoys seeing them. What they’ve done is wrong but it is for your dd benefit to keep seeing them so I would focus on what’s best for her.

Louise91417 · 20/05/2020 09:30

Do they contribute financially in anyway to your dd?

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/05/2020 09:30

You can see where he got his parenting skills from though, can’t you?.

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Oxfordnono12 · 20/05/2020 09:31

Her grandparents are lying to her!! What is that teaching? How will it affect her when she is older and finds out the truth? It's all well good now when she has little understanding but my concern is how will it affect her when she grows and searches for the missing links in childhood.

He doesn't want to keep contact that's on him. Hes a tool!!

But the grandparents are enabling his behaviour, how are they supporting her?

Intelinside57 · 20/05/2020 09:32

Why are some people telling op to tell her daughter? She's 5 FFS!

Igotta · 20/05/2020 09:33

Nope. Not a chance they'd be seeing her.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 20/05/2020 09:33

Does DD ask for her Grandparents? Would it be a massive loss for her? Hopefully lockdown has given her some space and you can see whether she does care for them or whether it was a routine to phone and visit.

Does she have much other family?

MuthaFunka61 · 20/05/2020 09:35

5 is too young to be put in the middle of this situation and asked to make a decision.

I'd suggest finding a way of being honest whilst keeping it simple, ie; mummy doesn't know where daddy is right now but daddy still loves you.
I'd also continue to let your daughter see her grandparents and build on your daughters confidence in telling you about anything that adults do which make her feel uncomfortable.
If any situations arise out of this then you'll need to deal with this as it arises,and you know you have this forum if any difficulties arise.

With regards to the grandparents I'd be cooling my relationship with them and telling them that you are doing this and why. Having firm boundaries is important for your own sense of self and MH.

G'luck,it's a fine line to walk

thebabessavedme · 20/05/2020 09:35

I had this exact situation 30 years ago, I stopped all contact and they showed their true colours by not fighting in anyway to see my dd because of course that could have opened up a can of worms regarding their sons whereabouts - I am now a DGM and I can promise anyone that I would take a bullet for that child.

My thoughts are that I did my best as a parent and always put my 'child' first, that child grew up to be an adult with their own child, an adult needs to answer for their actions (thankfully I bought up a decent one), a child needs love and protection.

and fwiw, my dd says I did the right thing, particuarly after having her own son she just could not work out how a parent can just 'wander off to build a new life'

corlan · 20/05/2020 09:35

I'm in a similar situation and my DD continues to see her grandparents.
You have to put your DD first however much it sticks in your throat that they have supported their son's shitty behaviour.

If your DD is happy being with them, don't take that away from her. We have precious few people in life that will really love us.

Yankathebear · 20/05/2020 09:35

It’s a horrible situation but no I wouldn’t stop contact.
Your daughter has lost (literally) her father, I wouldn’t want her to lose her grandparents too.
My guess would be prison too.

enjoyingSun · 20/05/2020 09:35

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

Actually as it's been 12 months and lockdown has reset vsists - I think I would start to slowly reduce contact time going forward - I would insist on being present and space them out more - just by being busy.

Maybe I'm being paranoid becuase GP access isn't usually a thing - but I'd slowly reduce contact rather than have a big row to avoid them trying to force access and to weaken any claims plus if it happens gradually it will be less effect on the child - also gives them time to rethink their stance or for their son to re-appear.

MondeoFan · 20/05/2020 09:36

I would let them see her and her see them but wouldn't go out of my way to facilitate it. If you are already doing something that day or if she's too tired to talk on phone etc.
I have a similar to you.
My DD grandparents were seeing my DD around 4 times a year, they only lived 25 min away. Then they bought a motor home and have been travelling for past 2 years all around Europe, sometimes they came home for couple days and went off again. During the time they were home they didn't ask to see my DD. They haven't seen her for around 3 years now. They have also moved now too and now live around an hour away.
My DD doesn't mention them as she doesn't know them. They still send Xmas card and birthday card with money in and recently put quite a lot of money into her bank account. Still no desire to see her though.
They were the same tbh said they were embarrassed about their son and what he's done but wouldn't tell mr where he was living said they didn't even know themselves!
She doesn't see her dad either. My DD is 5 and has never seen her dad

timetest · 20/05/2020 09:37

They do not have their grandchild’s best interests at heart. They allow her to go without so their adult son can keep hold of the money he is legally obliged to pay. I’m in the no way camp.

Yawnfest · 20/05/2020 09:38

I would be worried that if trust and regular visits continue with the grandparents and grand daughter, once the son has established himself in another area, can you trust the grandparents not to hand her over to him?

Helendee · 20/05/2020 09:38

Your little girl absolutely deserves a relationship with them her loving grandparents and to deny her that, especially over a financial matter is just cruel.
Their relationship with their son is totally separate from their relationship with their granddaughter.
I totally understand how you feel and had something very similar happen to me but I would never have denied my children the wonderful relationship they had with my late mum.
We need all the love we can get in this world.

moonset · 20/05/2020 09:38

No way would they be seeing my child if they can protect their fathers whereabouts from you. Awful people

diddl · 20/05/2020 09:39

"Does DD ask for her Grandparents? Would it be a massive loss for her?"

I wondered that.

I'm torn between thinking that they don't deserve to see her as they are colluding with their son, but thinking that you have the control over when & where they see her.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 09:40

Yes exactly. Please don’t involve your daughter in the dispute with your ex. He is still her father whatever he is doing and it is damaging to her to involve her in things like that. Please try to protect her and let her see her GP who she loves.

I say that as a child of an unhappy divorce who’s parents tried to involve us in every dispute. I am also a single mum and although my ex pays nothing I never badmouth him to my dds and let him see her as often as he can. She loves him and likes to see him.

Helendee · 20/05/2020 09:40

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread OP but have you actually spoken to the grandparents about how you feel and the fact that their behaviour is making you feel wary about trusting them?

viewfromthecouch · 20/05/2020 09:41

I would be blunt and tell them their son is a grown up and should be supporting his daughter. Their granddaughter is a child who needs his support for her essentials food, clothing , housing. Their protecting his interests over hers means you can no longer allow contact with them until it's sorted because their priorities are completely skewed.

Original poster
Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 09:42

Sorry to leave the thread for so long but I went to work.

To answer some questions. There is a possibility he could be in prison yes! He had a very successful business which went downhill and the last I heard a year ago he was in a lot of debt and his business was going under. I know there were a number of debt collectors after him and he had some vehicles seized for not paying the finance on them. However I have googled extensively and found nothing. His business is still registered to his old house which he sold in December and has not been changed on company house.

He and his partner have no social media at all. Google turns up nothing. I contacted one of his old friends who repeated the 'I don't know where he is' line. He isn't the type of person to register on the electoral roll and I'm guessing wont, as debt collectors are after him.

CMS have been next to useless. They said they had found a new bank account for him a month ago. But due to covid they wouldn't seize any funds so he wasn't left short!

His parents do not provide for DD at all. Her nan does buy her clothes occasionally if she sees something she likes. But they don't provide childcare or anything else. On her birthday they delivered presents and a nice cake her nan had made. They do come to her school plays and her grandad went to the 'fathers day' lunch at school in lieu of her father.

Its a tricky situation. I don't have any family for support, DD has already lost her father i'd like her to have 'some' extended family but I can't stand that she is being lied to and I don't see how that will play out in the future.

Thank you for all your replies

OP posts:
peperethecat · 20/05/2020 09:43

Tell them that they can still see her but need to arrange contact through him. That you’re not going to facilitate it anymore but her dad is welcome to. Then it’s up to them what they want to do.

This is a really good idea.