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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
AdelaideK · 20/05/2020 11:22

Well they've put their son ahead of their grandchild so they wouldn't be seeing her again .

dontdisturbmenow · 20/05/2020 11:23

I am shocked that 90% of posters find it reasonable to punish your daughter because of them not wanting to share their son's residence, that assuming they really do know. Maybe they just want nothing to do with the him or his business with you.

My ex never paid a penny in maintenance. I even paid for the weekly travel for them to see him. Many times so felt like screaming and desperately wanted to punish him but my wish for my kids happiness for seeing their father was always much stronger.

In the end they both said they didn't want to see him again, but I have no guilt to hold, I did everything in my power to ensure they had a relationship with him. I have no regrets.

Your intentions are just plain selfish.

FredFlintstonesTunic · 20/05/2020 11:28

How difficult, OP. It would be a real shame for your DD to lose her relationship with them, but very disappointing that they're supporting their son in skipping maintenance.

I haven't RTFT, so I'm sorry if this is going over old ground, but the lying would bother me here. Can you say to them that you want your DD to know the truth? That you will no longer be supporting them lying to her that they don't know where her dad is? They will have to tell her that they know but won't tell both, and explain to her why this is the case. This may also make them think twice about what they're doing.

AreYouLocal2 · 20/05/2020 11:34

The GP have a skewed idea of right from wrong and they have passed that idea down to their son. Don't let them warp your child's mind too.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/05/2020 11:36

Nope I would stop them seeing her

They clearly do not have HER best interest at heart. This will manifest in other ways as she grows up too, don't enable it.

Do it while you've had the physical break anyway and just say they're busy if she asks to phone them

It's one thing to support your child, it's quite another to enable him to treat his child & the mother of his child like this. Tell them that if they ask why you're refusing to take their calls.

You owe them nothing.

m00rfarm · 20/05/2020 11:37

I agree with previous posters who suggest saying yu don't know where she is etc and parrot back to them what they say to you. Then try to have a sensible discussion so they know how it feels.

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2020 11:37

I would find it extremely difficult to trust my DD with people who are so blatantly deceiving her tbh. Sad

Nanalisa60 · 20/05/2020 11:40

If your daughter loves being with them let the relationship carry one, she has already lost her dad by the sounds of it!! Don’t let her lose anymore of her family.

If this current situation has taught us anything it’s that life if very fragile, and one minute people can be here the next they are gone.

Grandparents can be such a positive part of a child’s life.

If you stop her seeing them, in the future she might hold it against you!! by letting her still see them, then you have the moral High ground, and your conscience is clear.

Also I’m not making judgments but is your child father
having a nervous breakdown, he might in in a very dark place. I’m only saying this because I know someone whose son did this and eventually committed suicide.

walkingchuckydoll · 20/05/2020 11:41

Gosh, I'm undecided. On one hand I worry that their lying ways will hurt your child more in the long run than cutting contact now. On the other hand you commented that there are no other family members so no contact is a bigger deal for you than for most people, who might have another set of grandparents, siblings, nephews snd nieces. I'm not sure what the best way is to go forward but I would insist that they stop lying to her. Not answering is better than lying.

JudyCoolibar · 20/05/2020 11:41

I would really struggle to encourage my child to see people who are repeatedly lying to her about something so important. Sooner or later she is going to realise what is going on and will feel really let down.

In fact, I think I would be tempted to tell her now that they do know and she should carry on asking. It just may be that a time will come when they realise that having a five year old know you are lying is not a good look.

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2020 11:46

Grandparents can be such a positive part of a child’s life.

Even ones who are happy to lie and deceive as an integral part of their relationship with this child? Hmm

Elsiebear90 · 20/05/2020 11:52

I think the issue is when she’s older she’s going to know that they were constantly lying to her and her dad chose not to be part of her life because he didn’t want to be financially responsible for her, and that they helped him do that. The poor child thinks he’s gone missing, at what point is anyone going to tell her the truth?

I would feel extremely betrayed if I was her. What they’re doing is not okay, they’re helping him hide and shirk his responsibilities and enabling his selfish sh*tty behaviour. I would tell them they have a choice, either they do right by their grandchild and tell me where her father is, or they stop seeing her, because they clearly don’t have her best interests at heart and are enabling her dad’s behaviour (by which their granddaughter suffers financially and emotionally for his benefit) by lying for him and refusing to reveal where he is.

Hidingtonothing · 20/05/2020 11:54

Yes I would stop them having contact with my DD in your shoes. I understand wanting kids to have extended family but it's not in DD's interests to be around people with no morals. To be complicit in a lie which directly financially and emotionally disadvantages their DGD means they have no morals in my view, which explains where their son gets it from.

So I wouldn't do it to try and pressure them into telling you where he is, nor out of spite, but I would do it to prevent my DD from being damaged by being around bad people, sometimes no extended family is better than a shit one Flowers

Lollypop4 · 20/05/2020 11:57

They are as bad as her shitty father.
Cut them out conpletely and explain why.
I hope Maintainence find your DDs father and he pays you every penny owed

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/05/2020 11:58

Hi op

Sorry about your situation

A bit left field I know

Is there a chance he might be in prison or sectioned ?
Removing pictures is odd, my money he's in prison and don't want
To say

HermanHermit · 20/05/2020 11:59

I think you can have it both ways here.

Send them a letter explaining how and why your daughter is suffering as a result of the absence of her father. Explain that they are responsible for continuing that loss and suffering by covering for him and for lying. Explain that you don’t agree with lying and that their lies mean that have trust issues with them.

Accordingly, you are concerned that permitting her to visit their home and sending them photographs may be further damaging to her and to you, and you don’t trust them not to pass either her or photos of her to their son. They are welcome to attend events at school in lieu of their missing son who they are covering for, and to send letters and gifts in the post (that you will open first, and will not pass on if they contain any further lies or emotional pressure). They are not however welcom to have her unsupervised as they have clearly demonstrated that they cannot be trusted not to lie to her. There will therefore be no further visits. And you could finish off by encouraging them to pass in their son’s details or, better still, getting him to stand up to his legal and parental responsibilities himself.

That way she gets a relationship but one that’s more under your supervision and control. Putting your reasons in black and white might just give them a jolt.

LouiseTrees · 20/05/2020 12:03

Haven’t read the whole thread just the first page but could you not lay it on tick about having no money to pay your mobile phone bill/WiFi and fuel to get your daughter to them and say you might have to stop due to having no money. They could then try and pay what the dad should be paying.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2020 12:03

Tell them that they can still see her but need to arrange contact through him. That you’re not going to facilitate it anymore but her dad is welcome to. Then it’s up to them what they want to do.

Yep, that's the way to go.

Why the fuck do think their son should get a financial break from caring for their grandchild and you should have to pick up his slack with no repercussions? What if you also decided you didn't want to buy their grandchild clothes and food?

IntermittentParps · 20/05/2020 12:04

dontdisturbmenow, the GPs are the ones 'punishing' the OP's daughter by a) colluding in withholding her maintenance money and b) lying to her about knowing where her father is.

And it sounds very much as if they DO know where he is.

The OP wants her DD to be properly financially supported, and for her to have honest relationships with her family. It is inaccurate and offensive to call her intentions selfish.

Nattyjackie · 20/05/2020 12:05

I think its a matter of trust. If they are so willing to blatently lie to her and cover for her dead beat dad, what else will they lie to her about as she gets older? What damage could they do to her self esteem as she slowly finds out the truth. It's not just about facilitating her relationship with her wider family but also protecting her from psychological damage.

Personally I would call their bluff and say you are going to file a missing person's report with the Police as the situation is very suspicious and you are worried about his safety. See if you can flush him out Wink

JaniceBattersby · 20/05/2020 12:09

I’d put money on him being in prison. I’ve seen this kind of scenario v often. If he appeared at crown court and no newspaper reporters were there to cover the case then its unlikely anything would come up on google. A friendly local newspaper reporter would be able to search their emails from the court to see if he’s appeared on any previous court lists. I do this for people who ring my newsdesk quite frequently.

LouiseTrees · 20/05/2020 12:10

@Slidetotheleft Herman Hermit has it right I think now I’ve read the full thread.

copycopypaste · 20/05/2020 12:11

Offft what a bitter pill to have to swallow.

You should do what's best for your dd and if she wants to continue to see her gp them I'd maintain the relationship with them whilst she wants to.

However I'd be fucking spitting feather about them and your ex. How fucking dare they, they are using your love for your dd and morals against you to continue to see their gc. Just shows their ds has got his morals from them.

The view is better from the high road but I'd be mentally chucking bricks at them

Nattyjackie · 20/05/2020 12:11

Then if they fess up and tell you they know where he is then follow up the line that they can arrange contact through their dad (great suggestion by PP). Put the responsibility on him.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2020 12:17

I’d continue with a much lower contact relationship and focus on finding other supportive beneficial relationships for your DD. Then you could phase them out entirely

No one knows what the future holds but I’d be concerned that they would ditch your DD if their son repartnered and had more DC They have proven they have no issue in prioritising their son over your DD This would be hugely painful for her.

Also it’s highly likely their lies will come out at some point. How will that impact your DD?

I’m sorry you’ve been forced into this position