To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

^parents' opinion counts

You are asking about the way your parents criticise your parenting choices, not about your parenting choices on the example given so I won't comment on the school issue as it is irrelevant, there are lots of other threads to discuss that on and advice on that is not helping towards your actual problem.

tbh I think YABU. People, parents or not, have a habit of "challenging" parents choices, your parents may say "you need to send him to school or he'll fall behind" and friends will say a bit more diplomatically "what will you do to keep him from falling behind other children while he's is not in?".

Essentially they both mean the same thing, just voiced differently and my parents certainly had a habit of being a bit less subtle with their comments. As a parent you need to be more confident of your choices, listen to others, but simply dismiss or ignore any 'advice' you want to. They are only actually interfering if you let their comments impact you.

I think it is fine to give an opinion and YABU if this upsets you. I think the issue might be more background behaviours and being pushy though so you basically dont really want their opinion as they are too forceful with it.

I think they are right but respect your decision; however you stating that they never babysit at all is quite sad and indicates less than a brilliant relationship. I can see why their opinions wind you up.

Yanbu.
You have made a decision based on your understanding of what is on offer, your sons needs and what is best.
You did not ask for your parents opinion and they should not be offering it.

Sorry OP, but the unwanted tagging does not help.

You think that tagging people to make it clear who she is addressing on a busy thread makes the OP seem unpleasant? Fucking eyeroll. Don't be so silly.

Someone sure is coming across badly on this thread but it's not the OP.

I hear you OP and fwiw I think you have to go with your instincts.

My son is 17 and attends a SN college.

If they reopen in two weeks I will let him go back as the college is tiny (less than 30 students) and teens of this age are well able to maintain social distancing.

It would be different if he was younger and I think I’d have many more concerns.

Yes you’re right I can chose to ignore it and I have been doing that for a long time. But I can’t help getting upset when I feel my parents are being unreasonable and unsupportive. I’ll admit I can be a bit sensitive at times, especially when it comes to my kids, but I’m bound to be when all my adult life I’ve felt I’ve had my parenting questioned and felt like my parents disprove of everything I do.

@DoesJeffKnow exactly. Which is it?!

Your children = your rules. It’s for you and their father to decide

But l can see why the pattern of this is annoying. My Mum tries to do this and l make clear l will make my own decisions. She doesn’t like it but she’s often commenting on things she doesn’t understand or have the full story about, never mind it’s none of her business and it’s not her life

I honestly don’t understand why our parents feel the need to behave like this. Yes I know we are still their children no matter how old we are but there comes a time when you need to let your kids go and trust them to make the best decisions that they can about their own life and family.

I’ll admit I can be a bit sensitive at times, especially when it comes to my kids, but I’m bound to be when all my adult life I’ve felt I’ve had my parenting questioned and felt like my parents disprove of everything I do.

You might be better posting on the Stately Homes thread. AIBU is not really the place to get help for issues like this because you invariably get people spoiling for a fight or wanting to put someone down, people who focus on irrelevant parts of the OP etc. And in your case, people who haven't experienced this type of parent (meaning parents like yours) who think you are being petty or whatever because they simply don't grasp what it's like when your whole relationship is built on that dynamic and the knock on effect to your self-esteem. If you post in Stately Homes you stand more chance of getting proper advice from people who understand what it's like to feel the way you do, and who have developed useful strategies to deal with it.

Thanks I’ll take a look. I completely get what you’re saying.