To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

I agree with you’re parents, although not necessarily the way the seem to always do it in a sticky beak kind of way.

It’s you’re call you’re his mum. If you don’t want to send him back then that’s your prerogative no one else should decide.

However as you’ve come on her to ask advice, I think the whole ‘not sure how safe it is to send kids back’ is OTT ( not just you OP, there’s many people that share this view)

Children appear to be spared from this disease thankfully. In about 40,000 deaths you couldn’t on one hand how many were children. But hunk is ever risk free- driving to the shop, crossing the road etc... so I do find it extraordinary that people are weighing up the risks..... the evidence is that the they are minisule. There probably more chance of a child dying from falling off the monkey bars at and hitting their head than dying from Corona virus.

Could count I mean

OP they sound horrors actually. Don’t help in any meaningful and useful way but then tell you that you are doing it wrong. How do they dare. I suppose because they spent a lifetime treating you like this. There is some bad parenting in your post but it’s not yours.

Focus on your lovely family and enjoy the extra time where you can. Think about how you want to deal with your parents. They need to be of no importance because they are neither useful nor kind.

I totally agree with you OP. Mine are not going back until I feel that it is safe enough - and now / near future, we are nowhere near that. If my parents disagreed with me, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'd just ignore them.

Just tell them thank you for your input, but we have made our decision based on the information available?

The parents aren't 'right in what they say' don't be ridiculous. It's all just opinion, there is no 'right' answer to children going back to school. It is not going to be school as usual, you don't know the quality of education that Op's DC is receiving at home

Was coming on to say THIS WITH KNOBS ON!

And then saw your update, OP, and found you have very strong and valid reasons for your decision as well.

I think this whole "he will fall behind" thing is easy to trot out but doesn't necessarily mean a lot unless you have weighed up all the options and alternatives. A friend's ds, also autistic, fell completely behind at school, didn't learn a thing until his mum pulled him out and home-schooled him. He later returned to school for A-levels, did well and went to uni.

In the current instance, there is not only the lack of provision at your ds' school; you also need to weigh up if he is likely to struggle extra with the virus, which would also impact on his education.

@1forsorrow No I don’t mind one bit. I hope you don’t mind me saying but you sound like an amazing parent and grandparent. My DJ’s parents are similar to you. They don’t judge they listen. They do offer advice occasionally if they feel we would benefit but usually they are happy to listen and be supportive and offer advice if asked. The issue I have is that my parents always feel that they’re right and aren’t willing to try and see things from other people’s point of view. I have two brothers who are married with children and my parents wouldn’t dream of saying anything to them but they feel it’s ok to interfere in my life.

I agree with pps; try not to let your parents be involved in all your decisions, pull back a little.
Perhaps diffuse the situation with something like "yes I see your point and will consider it. We all want whats best for ds" and then shut down that particular line of conversation.

You don't have to justify all your parenting choices. In fact it's just making you unhappy because your parents appear to think they know best about everything.

Yanbu op, on any level. My mum sounds similar, tries to tell me what to do under the guise of light hearted advice and then is shocked if I haven't done what she said. Usually offering advice when I haven't even asked for it. I'm afraid I don't have a solution

YANBU to potentially disregard their opinion, as they are not as involved as they could be otherwise as grandparents. And anyway, your ds is your child, not theirs. I can't give an answer as to the rights and wrongs of whether ds should go back to school, but as regards your parents' input YANBU to resent it, and if necessary ignore it. There is possibly the question of why you could be enablingthem to treat you like a child yourself. Is it possible you are dependent upon them in other ways that encourage them to think they can advise you on childcare issues?

YANBU, you make the decisions that you feel are best for your children as you are his parents, and if you and your husband have weighed up the pros and cons and have decided that this is the best course of action then that's the way it is.

I think you may need some help in resolving the residual anger that you have over this issue though, as otherwise every single time your parents express an opinion that's different to yours you'll be so irrationality angry because in theory you're angry about every single time they've done it to you in your life. You need to get to the point where you can either brush off what they say as you're confident in your decision, or you can listen to your mum and factor her opinion in your decision making

Or maybe they feel that a daughter should be more compliant to their wishes (I have just read your post about how they would not do this to your brothers). A tricky one, OP, perhaps best to state clearly to them, while not in anger, that you will make your own decisions about childcare and their opinions will be only part of the advice you listen to, if at all, not all of it.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I think you need to take heed of your username.

I agree with your parents on this one. YABU

School will be a very strange and unsettling place for some time, with different teachers looking after (as opposed to teaching) kids they may not know for the foreseeable future.

If you are managing at home, and your dc isn't missing out on additional support eg SALT etc, and you want to, keep him at home.

Don't engage with your parents. They had their turn with you.

YANBU. And your parents are not necessarily right. Certain clueless Education Secretaries - I'm thinking of Gove in particular - have absorbed, disseminated, and largely succeeded in indoctrinating the UK populous that quantity of time in the classroom equals quality of education.

It's not true. When you read the educational research, the vast bulk of it suggests that exactly the opposite is the case. Consider Finland et al, whose primary-aged children start school years later than ours do, yet score consistently higher on both literacy and numeracy.

This idea of fining parents for taking their own decisions as to when it's occasionally necessary to keep their children off school is something people have blindly accepted as a 'good thing', whereas even nations living under a despot might be inclined to raise their eyebrows at this level of state intervention in family life.

For GCSE students, a protracted period away from a structured learning environment granted poses a problem. For others, not so much. My Year 1 DC has just been given science work he rattled off in an hour, given he can already spot different types of trees, birds, plants and wildlife and has planted seeds in his own garden and watched them grow. He can do this because we've taken an interest in this stuff outside the classroom, which is a much more stimulating (and healthier) environment in which to learn.

DC also struggles with other things and we do our best to support him in that.

You know your own DC, and your parenting decisions are your choice. But time away from the classroom - at least if primary aged - will probably not be as harmful as some PPs suggest.

NB. I am an educator.

I'm not sending mine back either. I think only you know as a parent how you feel your child will benefit from the return to school.

Who cares if they are behind abit?? In the grand scheme of things it's the whole picture. It's the new guidelines. It's the pressure on staff. It's knowing your child won't be able to get their usual level of contact if they are sad or hurt. It's the confusion it may cause your child to be seperated from toys and friends.

Every school is different. Every child is different. If it was safe to go back they wouldn't need to remove pictures from walls and remove toys and books. They wouldn't need to wipe tables down constantly and keep kids in small groups.

I have parents like yours. My mum has actually agreed and respected my choice with this thought. But usually she finds fault and it's usually with me and how I do things.

Your mum your know best! Xx

@HyacynthBucket Yeah I’ve been trying to think of why they are like this with me. I’m the youngest of three kids and I had my first dc young (ish) when I was 21. But I’ve been with my dh since i was 17 when we met at college, we have a solid relationship, and despite all the stresses of daily life we are doing ok. I don’t rely on my parents for anything anymore. When I was in my early 20’s i occasionally borrowed a bit from the but that’s about it. The only time they have minded my son (eldest) was for one night when I was in labour with my youngest. My dad used to always say we don’t do babysitting kids are for life you know. Yeah like i hadn’t already realised that. We go out once a year every Christmas for our wedding anniversary and usually my brother or dh’s parents will look after our ds and my dad usually makes sarcastic comments like going out again disgraceful. He says it in a jokey way but I’ve come to release my dad doesn’t do jokes and he means what he says. It’s like they don’t want us to have a life. They had me and my brothers young but they had a life as both sets of grandparents loved to have me and brothers stay over in fact they’d beg to have us lol. We loved it. But my kids don’t have that kind of relationship with my parents.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable- in any aspect of your original post.

You can agree to disagree - but they need to respect your decisions for your child.

As for the "children aren't affected as badly by the virus" argument... so what?

That they are infected at all is the problem - if they show mild symptoms, or none at all, it may go unnoticed and they won't be isolated and potentially spread it to others, or vulnerable people who will have a severe reaction.

The R-0 will go back up, then we'll be back in lockdown again.

Can I say that SEN, Covid, and whether teachers are angels or whingers, is a complete red herring. This may be a last straw, but actually you’ve dealt with their bollocks for DECADES.

Think about how they treat you in every aspect,, and the fact that you felt bad enough to stop talking to them for a while. It’s not likely you would do that unless really pushed. Time to set some serious boundaries.

As to all those saying OP’s child would be better at school, not your child, not your SEN situation, so you have no idea what it’s like having to be your child’s advocate day after day in the face of school/local government bullying, wanting to shoehorn your child into their concept of what they need. You’re doing exactly what we all have to deal with all the time... everyone thinking they know best for your child, without having any personal experience of that child, and that family, and that school.

Good luck OP, two awful situations you’ve got there. You sound awesome, keep going.

OP I answered on the parenting point upthread but will now answer on the point of sending him to school.

I made the decision 3 years ago to remove my, then 10 year old, ASD child from school altogether. He was not coping in the mainstream environment and did not fit into any of the local SEN schools either. I had a lot of people telling me that school was the only way. It isn't. My son is doing very well at home and will do more GCSEs than he would have done either in a mainstream hub or in a SEN school, where his options would have been limited. He is academically capable.

My daughter who has severe dyslexia and ASD is now also home educated. I have some online support from a SEN specialist teacher. She also would not fit in either mainstream or SEN, I may send her to a secondary specialist provision for dyslexia if I feel she will be better educated there.

Both children have a social life and play sport.

I had so many people tell me that school was the ONLY way and that they would be better in school.

I am not saying that long term home ed is right for you but SCHOOL is not the right / best environment for every child no matter what Mumsnet tells you.

In addition I would be particularly concerned about sending a child back in COVID times to a SEN school with children with behavioural problems. Hygeine and social distancing will be so much more difficult in those environments than mainstream.

Have experienced similar with my mum re my asd ds. There is nothing more infuriating than being patronised by your own parents when they dont have a fucking clue and wont/cant acknowledge this.

Honestly the thing that worked for me was throwing qualifications at her eg
Theres nothing wrong with him.
Really mum because a neurologist and 2 clinical psychologists disagree.
He should be in x school. Well his teachers and higjly qualified 1-1 disagree.

Ive even gone as far as well I dont really care what you think tbh. Or, thats not your decision.

Dont worry about upsetting them. They clearly dont worry about you being upset by them, and relationships are a 2 way street.

I think YABU to not send him to school, but NU being pissed with your parents. They can suggest and make reasonable recommendations, but then they should shut up. Your choices for your reasons.

I'm a teacher and I agree with you. My DS is not going back to his special school for the rest of the year. What will happen in schools will effectively be petrified teachers offering childcare.

Are you the youngest? Perhaps your mum is blinded by a desire to keep you as her child? She wants to hold onto the power she had over you when she was growing up and is incapable of seeing you as an adult now?
I've no idea how understanding the weird relationship dynamic will help you though.

Would it help if you did purposefully ask your parents for advice on some (less important) matters?
They would feel you valued their opinion then. E.g can you advise me on buying a new mattress or please explain how to bake bread like you used to do when we were young?

The bottom line I think is that you have to stand firm on some matters. "I'm his parent and I've made my choice, I don't want to argue". could be your go to phrase.

YANBU OP you are entitled to make your own judgement of risks and benefits and obviously you know your children better than anyone.