To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

Perhaps they feel just as frustrated with you? They might not be getting their message across in an effective way and have annoyed you... but essentially they are offering a different perspective, which IS useful as you've acknowledged. Also, they clearly love and want the best for your DS.

YANBU - your child your choice (I mean you and your DH).

I’m amazed at what academic heights and social interaction people think are going to happen with a SEN child who is already struggling. Because uncertainty and new situations is so great for autistic kids! Especially when a week in they realise something isn’t working and they have to change rules

@Velvian Funny how you say that about them being bullies, as a friend of mine who I’ve known since childhood, said the same.

The problem is, the thread has turned into a bit of a point-score on both sides with some posters adamant that school is the place to be and some insistent that any mention of schools or teachers is teacher-bashing.

That's not what the thread is about. OP's decision could be anything and you may agree or may not. She may have decided to forgo a particular vaccination, or to have a term time holiday, or to have her child share a room with a sibling despite there being a spare room in the house.

You may agree with the above, or more likely, knowing MN, not. The whole point is that it isn't your decision to make. And when you have somebody so fixed and firm in their views that it is their way or the highway, it's undermining and wrong.

Parents have the right to make decision for and on behalf of their children, and especially where SEN is concerned, there is actually a very good chance that those decisions will be the right ones. I don't agree with all the parenting decisions my friends make but it is hardly my business.

OP, it doesn't matter whether people here say you are right or wrong. You need to have confidence and assurance in the decisions you make and I wish you well.

I personally don't think kids with additional learning needs get the help they need at school to do well unless they are lucky so as long as you can keep up his schooling at home he is probably better off education wise at home than he is in a standard size class.

As for your parents they should butt out and mind their own business.

The issue isn't really whether it's right or wrong to send your child back to school but this is clearly an ongoing problem with your parents being overbearing and opinionated.

The best thing you can do in future is not to tell them too much about your life, then they have nothing to argue against.

With this particular issue, if they bring it up again you just need to be very blunt, say 'I've made my decision, please drop it'.

YNBU. I am keeping DD at home. She isnt SEN and is very bright but is slow to meet physical milestones due to some health issues early in life (now 21 months). This is for a range of reasons, mostly that I dont not agree it is safe yet and I know she isnt capable of keeping herself safe. I am also shielding. I have taken a lot of advice from nursery and her HV on things to do at home so she is not missing out. We also do video play dates with other children. Anyway, both sets of parents can be quite interfering, PIL more in a mean bossy way with a healthy dose of forgetting what it was actually like to have children (DD cannot walk unaided yet which they totally deny and say she walks all the time which is BS but also that DH walked at 4 months). I learnt the phrase on MN 'I dont parent by committee' so fine let them tell you what they think but be clear on who the parent is.

I think it is little or nothing to do with your parents, and you may need to tell them so a little more forcibly.

You are responsible for your child and your decision, subject of course to the law etc, is the one to be followed.

I wouldn't let any poster here, including me of course, change your mind. But you could speak to his teachers, if that's possible. You'd probably have to anyway in the end.

I did agree with them until you said he wasn't settled at school anyway. Now I'm not sure.

How is homeschooling going with him? Is he learning? Is he coping better? It might be worth considering it full time if school arent meeting his needs.

Although it might be better going back now if theres less pupils there, he may settle in better now than if you were go wait until everyone goes back as the staff will be dealing with loads of kids all struggling with the change.

YANBU and they need to leave you to parent as you see fit.

I don’t think the majority of children will fall behind academically by not going back for six weeks, especially since teachers are not teaching the curriculum. Yes companionship and other children is important but kids pick up on their parents’ anxieties so might well end up feeling more anxious. It’s a tough decision all round and one that the vast majority of parents, and I’m including the OP in this, are able to make the right choice for their family. My concern is that schools and the community won’t be safer in September and so if you are keeping him off until they are, he might in the worse case scenario not return at all.

One of my children is likely to be returning and another not. I think it’s a very individual choice for the parents, the child and also the school they attend. It’s not a choice for grandparents although sometimes their views may be appreciated.

You are the parent. Its your decision.
I am sending DS back, my sister isn't sending hers. I honestly don't think theres a right or wrong here. You know your children best and need to do what's best for your family.

Tell them once that you understand their concern but you dont share it and will do what you feel is best for your children.
If they carry on then it might unfortunately be time to press mute on them for a while.

Hope you don't mind a grandmother replying.

I have 3 sets of GC, so 3 of my sons and their/wives partners. I never offer advice, if I'm asked for it I try to do a discussion where I will think about different points of view. If they ask me what I did in a similar situation (obviously not appropriate with Covid) I will tell them.

The result is they discuss things with me, listen to what I saw. One of the other GPs are similar, two are very judgemental and bossy and as a result they don't get included as much and I think sometimes the parents do the opposite just to make a point.

At the end of the day my philosophy is we all make mistakes, you will probably make them, I certainly did and I'm pretty sure your parents did as well and at the end of the day they only have a right to express an opinion if you ask for it. Obviously if you were ill-treating your child that would be different.

Do what you think is right for you and your child and I hope it goes well.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Can I just say that my ds who is autistic has been thrust into a EBD school for children with severe behavioural and mental health problems. It’s completely the wrong type of school for him to be at. The reason for this is that my local authority wouldn’t pay for a more appropriate school that cater for children like my ds. I ended up having to take it to tribunal and spend a lot of money to try and keep him out of this school. However my case wasn’t strong enough and he had to go there in the end. It’s only now after months of my ds struggling at this school, me gathering evidence of this, and me having to endure the relentless stress of dealing with his outbursts when he gets home (as he has been in anxiety mode all day) have my local authority agreed it isn’t the right place for him. Me and my dh bend over backwards to ensure that his needs are met at home and that he has everything that he needs. I might not be a teacher so granted there are certain things I cannot do, but likewise there have been times school have phoned me to ask for advice as they haven’t been able to manage certain situations when I have.

It's up to you and your DH to seek the opinion of anyone you think will help you or to just make the decision yourselves without anyone else's input.

It isn't any of their business - even if they had genuine concerns that you weren't acting in your DCs best interests, there is a way of raising that without making you feel shit about it.

Stick to your gins. You and your DH know what is est for your family. Don't hestitate to reduce contact if they don't let up.

Stick to your gins is probably as good a plan as stick to your guns!

This is completely your decision, they can have their opinions which they can express respectfully (or not, if you ask them not to). But it completely up to you.

I'm not sure which decision is the right one in general, there are pros and cons to each side of this, even without the SEN issues which complicate it further. You are the best judge for your family and your situation.

I'm sending mine back (I will change this if the infection rate goes up again, I'm hoping it will be lower by the time they go back) but I wouldn't judge anyone for not sending theirs them back. It's such a personal decision.

Sorry they aren't more supportive, it must be hard for you . I'm glad your friend understands what they are like.

Just reply to your parents ‘That’s an interesting point of view.’
And then do as you like.
No discussion, no argument.

@ahorsecalledseptember I honestly didn’t intend for it to be points scoring. I have so much respect for other parents in this awful situation who are just trying to make the best decision that they can for their family. I don’t judge either way it’s not my place. I’m all for listening to what my parents have to say but they don’t listen to me.

This subject is going to be discussed on radio 4 at 12.20 today on "You and Yours".
Will be interesting to hear if they have experts for both sides of the argument

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000j80f

NikNick that sounds awful. I'd certainly understand why you aren't sending him there. I hope you can get something more appropriate sorted out for him.

Just simply say it's your choice as his parents. And move the conversation on. Don't engage

OP, I know you didn't, it was those replying who were turning it into a point-score.

Emergency - doesn't matter. OP is making the decision for HER child, not other people's.

It isn't fair of you to have him at home. The education in a special school has got to be better than being at home

Are you the OP’s parent??? Of course, it can be fair to keep a child at home, and moreover not every school is good or right for a particular child.

Who are all these MNers insisting every child must be at school? No, it’s up to the individual parents. I’m not sending my child back yet and I don’t know anyone else who is.

OP, as said above, limit the amount of information you give your parents, and regarding school, just be a broken record “No, we won’t be sending him back yet. We’ve made our decision”. They’ll argue, of course, so repeat as many times as necessary.

If they persist, cool off your relationship for a while.

The BMA has advised it won’t be safe for schools to be open, children may not be affected as much as adults however children are contracting Covid and are very unwell due to it.

Yanbu in terms of your parents, just repeat to them that you had your time as parents not it’s my time.

YANBU. If you dont feel its safe you don't have to send him back, lots of parents arent sending in theirs. Mine have been learning at home, I give my youngest dd times tables, books to read and then she has to write a book review , and if shes lucky we will do a science experiment. She loves horrible histories. I am not sending her in as I have twins due late June, but I don't think she is falling behind as I know lots of kids who arent doing any learning.