To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

I haven’t felt the same about them since.

I think you need to ask yourself why you care so much now.

I found very early on that what ever I did with some relatives was going to be wrong - and if I changed and did what they initally said that was also wrong. That was hard with yound kids when I was still finding my way but that was years ago - what DH and I decide, and increasingly what they also decide as they get older, is what matters.

I also got very annoyed that despite fact I was one with the kids all the time - I couldn't know anything about my children and people who rarely saw them were apparently experts at some point I reached point of thinking fuck it - stopped explaining and just said it's what's we've decide is best for our kids.

Try and limit the information flow to them and stop discussing things with them you don't want their views on - that does take some practise but they aren't going to change so how you deal with them must or you'll just end up back in same position and if anything like me the one angry and frustrated while they breeze off and think no more about it.

My first reaction was going to be (a) they should butt out of your decisions but (b) why not send your child back to a specialist school that can cater for his SEN. However, on seeing your update about the fact that this school isn't meeting his needs anyway, I'm with you all the way. Your parents clearly don't have a clue about the relevant issues and should at the very least talk to you about your concerns and make sure they're properly informed before weighing in with any opinions.

Can you use this time as a reason for asking for an early annual review with a view to getting the school to admit it isn't meeting needs? Also contact someone like SOS SEN or IPSEA about getting your act together for another appeal if necessary - usually it's very much a matter of having the right evidence in place.

If their concern is your child’s education, it’s probably worth remembering that school isn’t going to look anything like it did pre Covid and I’m not sure what quality of education they’ll be able to provide with all the measures that will be needed to put in place. YANBU, I wouldn’t appreciate my parents being so critical of a parenting choice either.

I also don’t think there are right or wrong decisions in this situation either, parents are just trying to do their best in uncharted territory under a shambolic government. Some children will go back to school and they will have less chance of being infected if the schools are emptier. Whether you keep your child at home or decide not to (or can WFH to keep workplaces and public transport emptier) I see it as a collective effort where we are working together. I’m not interested in criticising segments of the population, it should be aimed squarely at the government whose ineptitude has put people in this situation

@OP

On the education side : it's highly unlikely he will miss out on anything. The majority of school will not teach new content while a lot of children are still at home. Not just that but some people in Education believe it will take quite a long time to catch up and these few weeks will be a drop on the ocean. A lot of schools will focus on the PSHE and well being side, trying to settle children and reintroduce them ro routine. School life, make them feel safe etc.

The social side is very important, but that needs to be balanced with the risk of the child to catch it and the effects of it. Not just that, but certain settings can so all the plans, risk assessment and introduce all the policies they like, they truth it they'll never be able to social distance. All they can guarantee is limited exposure if they're set up in small teams that do no interact with any other staff or children. Not just that, but for some children, especially those with SEND and or SEMH issues the change in routine,staffing, the way they interact and find comfort,what they are allowed to do what not etc can be very unsettling and upsetting.

At the end of the day , he is your child, you know his needs. No one else can make that decision because no one else will have to live with it if things go tits up and the consequences wouldn't just be from corona , but mental and emotional too.

At least if things go wrong at home, it will be because of a decision that had his best interests at heart and wanted to keep him safe.

They have no say in this, this is your and your DH's decision and you make the one that you feel is best for your DS.

I don't know why they, or anyone on here or anywhere else for that matter, feels that they should tell you that you are wrong. It's only their opinion of the situation, that's all. YANBU at all.

Yanbu.

My ds won't be returning either, my ds attends a SN school and bugs are rife. This is in part because a lot of children are still at the stage of exploring orally. So will chew soft furnishings and just about anything else they can get hold of..similar to how a baby does. The school itself is locked down onsite but the reality is its a breeding ground for bugs at the best of times, I feel my ds would be high risk there.......he's also overweight because of the medication he takes (( well known side effect of risperidome )) so for that reason the risk outweighs any, potential benefit.

I don't know what the right thing to do is but all I can say is it is your decision, you and your husband, and not your parents

I’ve just had a call from my dd’s school she’s in year 10 to see if she will be going back.She has underlying health conditions and was off the week before the schools were shut due to illness.She is coping very well with the work that has been set for her and I have purchased some gcse revision guides to also work through and she is having extra maths tuition via Zoom with a family friend who is a maths tutor as maths is her weakest subject and the only one that gives us concern as her maths teacher at school has not set any homework for her class only online quizzes (I have put in a complaint along side other parents)
So we have discussed it and decided to keep her off for the time being
You need to what you feel right for your child and there educational needs

@Needmoresleep See I don’t think they genuinely are worried. He’s doing fine at home for now and is engaging well with activities. I think it’s more to do with the fact they have a rigid mind set and they don’t lien the fact I’m doing differently to what they would do.

France had 70 cases of the virus in schools within days of reopening. I don't think school is a safe place yet.

There is no possible way all the posters on this thread could know whether going back to school is the right thing for your specific child with his specific SEN, so ignore them all. The general principle will not apply to every child so they should stop acting like they know best when they clearly don’t have the information available to make that assessment

This, a thousand times. It’s amazing to me when there is no medical, scientific or professional consensus, that so many MNers seem to be absolute sure that they KNOW the right thing to do and have no qualms with forcefully telling other parents how wrong they are.

Your parents sound like my mum, OP. My mum lacks boundaries and feels entitled to stick her oar in over various parenting decisions that don’t involve her. It’s not even always the case that she disagrees with me, but she still somehow has a way of making me feel shit. For example, let’s say I had made the decision to have DC vaccinated. She would then say “oh you must make sure they are vaccinated, it’s so important” and state her case in a kind of accusatory tone, as though I’ve proclaimed myself an anti-vaxxer, even though I have already made my decision (and the one she agrees with). I realised that her constant interjections were hugely damaging my confidence in my parenting skills and having an impact on my DC and husband. I have made a concerted effort to disassociate as much as possible. Not a falling out, but just not telling her the little details that I used to. Without all the details, she doesn’t have the ammo. If she does get started, just a simple “thanks, but we know what we’re doing” and repeat until she gets the message. It’s worked OK for us. DM gets stroppy but if I stick to my guns she gives up eventually.

Why cant you just disagree without getting so angry? Who cares what they think? And why should they babysit for you?

The irony of someone starting a thread on unsolicited opinions and being faced with a thread fucking full of them! 🤦‍♀️

OP did not ask your opinion on sending her child back to school

@Macncheeseballs I made it clear to them that I disagreed with what they were saying and I explained my reasons why but they didn’t listen. I don’t always get angry, believe me I’ve contained myself very well over the years with them, having a child with Sen teaches you patience and tolerance, but I’m only human and I can only take so much.

Oh and I don’t expect them to babysit for me but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice for them to offer every now and again.

It’s 6 weeks ridiculous to say a child will fall significantly behind in that time plus in home one to one learning they generally learn more. You do what you need as a family and ignore the meddlers.

OP,

Whatever motives you ascribe to your parents, and honestly you are not coming across as at all pleasant, the fact is that almost all children benefit from socialisation.

If this does not apply to your DC, all well and good. But I understand why your parents might be concerned.

There is no possible way all the posters on this thread could know whether going back to school is the right thing for your specific child with his specific SEN, so ignore them all. The general principle will not apply to every child so they should stop acting like they know best when they clearly don’t have the information available to make that assessment

Ah this man, absolutely.

Fwiw, mine is diagnosed ASD, goes to a unit especially for his needs and is happy and thriving there. I'm still not sending him even though he can go. If people don't like that they can kiss my hairy backside

OP, it's always tricky when you have parents the suck. I think I was 30 when I realised that I was an adult and they can fuck off with their opinions. The older I got the less I cared.

Try not telling them much. Tell them you're not interested and you're going to do it your way. Then change the subject. As said by a PP they might get stroppy but fuck em.

There is a new fund for some pupils with SEND

schoolsweek.co.uk/coronavirus-10m-emergency-home-learning-fund-set-up-for-families-with-send-pupils/

@Needmoresleep How am I coming across as unpleasant? I’m simply stating the truth about how they can be and how it makes me feel. I do love them of course I do but they can be hard work. I don’t force my unwanted opinions onto them and I don’t interfere in their lives. It would just be nice if they could do the same.

YANBU. Schools will be very different. Keep him off until you are happy or you'll just cause yourself massive anxiety

The irony of posters giving their opinion and saying OP INBU 🙄

You know your child best, you know the school, how hes getting on at home etc. It is your decision.

School wont be what it was before. We actually have no idea really how much social interaction and how much learning will actually take place. Its a perfectly valid decision and you are doing what you think is best for your child.

I made it clear to them that I disagreed with what they were saying and I explained my reasons why but they didn’t listen.

I used to find myself explaining our decisions - and ending up on the back foot and defensive - I personally found it's best to ignore comments and not explain and change subject or even not hear the question/statement.

@gamerchick Yes you’re right, I will be careful about what I chose to tell them going forward. Like someone else said we all make mistakes no one is a perfect parent so why don’t they just let me get on with trying to do the best I can. For what it’s worth my parents weren’t perfect parents either. I had a lot to deal with growing up but being the person I am (soft and not wanting confrontation) i let it all go and have never brought it up since.

Sorry OP, but the unwanted tagging does not help.

If you want to home educate your children all well and good. However to keep a SEN child off school seems unwise, and your parents are not unreasonable to share their option. You have been slagging them off on this thread, to the extent that posters are suggesting you reduce contact with them. If you cannot listen to sensible opinions you are unpleasant. You can do what you want. But you need to realise that parenthood comes with a life long concern, and is not just limited to presents at Christmas and birthdays.