To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

But I am listening. I’ve read every comment and I’m taking it all on board. I don’t think I’m right about a lot of things but in this instance I think I am. My son has been through so much ie failed mainstream placements, three of them to be exact, he was put on a reduced timetable at each school, he was excluded for having meltdowns due to extreme sensory issues, he has been denied therapy that he desperately needs, as my local authority named a school that focuses simply on the behaviour of children and not nurture and therapeutic needs, he has been through hell and back. Like I said if he was at a school where he was settled and thriving then that may have made me rethink things, but he’s not.

I take it you're still sending your SEN kid to school needmoresleep?

It doesn't sound as if he's in the right setting. So many placements concentrate on managing behaviour and shove a reduced timetable on them when they can't cope. I totally don't blame you for keeping him home.

It’s your choice if you send your DS back to school, I’m in the same situation with my dd who has SEN, I have decided she won’t be going in as she just won’t cope well with the changes, by the time Sophie settles it will be summer holidays and then I would have to settle her back into being at home. I don’t really care what others think, they don’t live my life and they don’t know my dd like I do.

Just tell them that it’s your choice and not really any of their business. Lots of children are home schooled and do not fall behind.

If feel for you op. My parents are similar. I'm vlc with them, but they've been expecting me to fail miserably at this teaching whilst schools have closed. They're disappointed I'm not. I've been battling with DDs school prior to this, it's taken years for them to recognise her as a SEN pupil and her mental health has taken a battering. I've spent this time trying to build her back up, and my aim was just to keep DS ticking over - if they learnt anything it was a bonus. I won't send either back until September as a few weeks at school would be unsettling for DS let alone the fall back DD could make. But of course that's also a failure in their eyes. I gave up giving a crap what they think a long time ago thankfully.

What is the context of them continually giving you their opinions? Presumably you are not seeing them at the moment so are they calling you endlessly about this?

Just try to disengage.... easier said than done but don’t discuss these sorts of subjects with your parents .... as others have said, some parents never give up ‘interfering’ as they think they are giving ‘advice’. My DPs are late 80s and are still incredibly opinionated (& I am 62 ) .. I just listen and make vague comments without agreeing or disagreeing ... in fact only last week my DM said to me “I just can’t believe you not interested in listening to me !!!”.

“To keep a SEN child off school seems unwise” is like saying “To keep a brunette child off school seems unwise”. Patronising, pointless, and completely soulless.

There are billions of reasons to keep any child off school at some point in time, but until it’s your child, and their issues, you have absolutely no clue.

In my own experience, the SEN issues are a marginal issue at times like this. It’s dealing with a child’s place in school, and the expectations from everyone and their dog, THAT’S the problem. Sounds as if OP has got her parenting sorted, but now is being asked to pipe down, there’s a dear, and just put up with what they are willing to offer. Even if it’s to her child’s distinct disadvantage.

@NiknicK - much fortitude and cake for you

The BMA did not canvass their members before putting out this statement by the way. The majority of doctors who have school age children think that children are safe to return to school . I base this on the 42000 UK doctor mums on a Facebook group by the way

OP I think your parents are right but your child your decision

@Needmoresleep

You really need to take a step back now and remember that you are an outsider looking in; I cannot believe you just implied that the OP doesn’t understand the complexities of parenthood.

Also, OP, the fact that you have been replying to needmoresleep’s ignorant comments so sensibly and respectfully completely disproves their assumption that you are an unreasonable person.

It sounds like you are doing what is best for your child, and at the end of the day only you and your DH are best posed to know what that is, not his grandparents and certainly not random people on Mumsnet!

What I've learned about Mumsnet, OP, is that whilst by no means universally the case it has a strong element that conservative with a small 'c' and conformist to a fault. That is, will be seen to be adhering to conventions laid out by others, from marketing to politics, to an extent that can appear bordering on ridiculous. Take a look at any of the behaviour-policing threads in the coronavirus section and you'll see exactly what I mean.

Quality of education does not equal quantity of education. This remains an established fact in sociology of education/general education research, no matter how much subsequent home secretaries, head teachers' unions et al have absorbed Gove's particular hobby horses along with his misguided views on how to 'raise standards'.

Want a case in point? Look no further than phonics.

I have no idea if the OP parents are right nor how so many on MN are so sure either way.

I'm sure my Y10 would benefit from being in school as she mid GCSE and the on-line teaching isn't really happening with her school - not so sure about our younger children.

I found the Games People Play a useful book to working out how to deal with some family members - refusing to accept my role in the conversation- though I've seen suggestions for the Toxic Parents book being helpful.

I think whether you agree with kids going back yet or OP's stance is immaterial. It's the fact that OP feels constantly undermined and judged by her parents. Considering they've already had a falling out, you might think they'd have learned to butt out.

Perhaps you only really understand it when you've experienced it. My outlaws are very much like this - on the surface it might appear caring, but it's really their inability to stop interfering, imposing their ideals on everyone and helicopter parenting their 40 year old baby (and apparently, that extends to me and our child too)! It's undermining and insulting, suffocating, rude, infuriating. I now have no contact with them because it turned me into an angry person at just the thought of them. These sorts of people think they're entitled to do and say anything they like to anyone. They don't understand or respect boundaries and their apologies are hollow because they don't really think they've don't anything wrong.

Yeah they have been phoning almost daily and they usually walk up to my house once a week and stand at the bottom of my drive away at a distance. But before all this they would visit usually on a Saturday but would often turn up out of the blue in the week, sometimes even when I’d told them I was busy. They get frustrated if I say we aren’t going to be on a Saturday or at a certain time in the week as to them that’s their visiting day which I find odd. My brothers have said they are like that with them sometimes and they feel like they’re a box that has to be ticked ie we’ve been to see the grandkids kind of thing. They can be very defensive and they like to portray that they are the perfect grandparents. Don’t get me wrong they love my kids and are good to them but they would spend money on them or buy them a gift before they’d say sit and talk with them for an half an hour or ask them round to their house for dinner. I’ve had to come to terms with that’s just how they are so it frustrates me that they can’t accept that I am who I am and we do things differently.

PersephoneandHades

Yes I am suggesting that parenthood is something that is not easy to turn off, even when your children are adults.

It may be right or wrong, but that is how it is. Indeed I would go as far as to predict that OP may have the same problem in 20 years time.

OP - there's only one unpleasant poster on this thread and it's not you.

to you and your DC, I hope at some point in the future you're able to settle your DS into different, appropriate educational setting that works for him.

I can assure you I won’t have the same problem. Whilst I can’t predict the future I know myself well enough to know that I will not treat my adult children like this when they’re older. I won’t have a problem with the fact that they will chose to live their lives how they sit fit, why on earth would I?

You sound like a brilliant parent, OP, and it is a shame your parents are incapable of realising that. The more you post, the clearer it is that you have put a lot of thought into your decisions.

I seriously doubt your child will fall behind from what you have said.

My neuro-typical nephew was home-schooled up to the age of sixteen, then accepted in his year at a school, where he was found to be ahead in some subjects and behind on some others, as you'd expect, and went on to get a good University degree.

Your parents should consider themselves very fortunate to have such a mother for their grandchildren.

ASD can be hereditary you know OP. It sounds to me like your parents certainly have some traits; inability to put themselves in your shoes, very black and white thinking, being anxious about routine and following rules. Maybe thinking of them from this angle would help you to cut them some slack and feel less resentful?

It sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right thing keeping him off. I hope you find a school better suited to his needs.

Thanks myrtle I appreciate that.

Believe me Tinkly it has crossed my mind a few times. They are all about routine and don’t like change. They definitely lack a few things when it comes to social communication. Even if this were true though I can’t be a punch bag for venting their frustrations. My son who has diagnosed autism can be controlling to a degree and vents his frustrations but as he’s growing older he’s slowly but surely understanding more and whilst he does see things from his own perspective and can be rigid, he is making progress and gets that his words can hurt people. I don’t want him to grow up and think it’s ok to treat people badly autism or not.

I agree with DoesJeffKnow entirely, and that you should ask them which category they fall into. You can do it laughingly so they're not too upset by it, but it should also make them think.

The hardest thing I found about parenting (so far!) was trusting dd to make her own decisions. I did think along DoesJeffKnow's lines, which was what helped the most. DD is 20 now and at Uni, btw.

I have no idea if the OP parents are right nor how so many on MN are so sure either way.

Indeed. But it's absolutely worth pointing out that the party line isn't necessarily the right line. It should be borne in mind that a lot of educational policy is based on metrics rather than what's really best for children. Nor does it place a great deal of emphasis on the needs and interests of particular individuals, albeit there is better funding available to support SEN (ticks the government's boxes so they can be seen to be doing something and the schools get additional funding).

ASD poses its own particular challenges in returning to an unfamiliar structure and back-to-front routine, which is very discomfiting and threatening to some people who are on the spectrum. OP - if you've taken guidance on what is best for your child then what your parents think doesn't make any difference (especially if they're quoting skewed state educational policy, which is wrong). What's really the issue here is setting boundaries for your parents: how to gently draw the line, say 'no', and ensure this is respected. If you haven't read any of the work of the fantastic Dr. Susan Forward (Toxic In-Laws, Toxic Parents etc) then I can wholeheartedly recommend her. Even if you don't view your family as necessarily toxic, she has the most fantastic advice on setting and maintaining boundaries, and is a big believer in the art of powerful non-defensive communication (an effective way to shut down intrusive behaviour without resorting to having an argument). Well worth a read.

At the end of the day, you are the parent, not them. We all have different views with the schools at the moment. I for one will not be sending my child back, and is all honesty. I’m terribly anxious and terrified of my little girl going back.

As long as your home life is good and there getting plenty of fresh air and learning what they need. They will be fine, they have two weeks of here and there and six weeks of anyways.

I don’t see the difference.

I disagree with your assessment about sending children back (mine are going and I'm happy to go back to school as a teacher), but that isn't the point of your OP. YOU are your child's parent and it just isn't their call.You know your child best and it is your choice. Whether I it is the right one is neither here nor there, any more than your parents counts. Adopt a grey rock approach... have some sort of mantra reposes e.g. thanks, we're happy with our decision. Repeat, repeat, repeat.