To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

[NiknicK]

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

@Mulhollandmagoo But I don’t get angry every time they give me their opinions. I’ve put up with it for years and usually brush it off. But these last few years have been rather stressful for us as a family and instead of supporting us they have made me feel like shit putting it bluntly. I’ve spent so much time listening to what they have to say but they haven’t done the same for in return. It’s hard to just brush off the feeling that your own parents don’t value your opinion and are incapable of just being supportive.

@NiknicK

Some parents (mine included) seem to miss the bit where you've turned into an adult. It drives me bonkers. I'm in my 50's now and my Mum still days things like 'well, you'll do what you think is best you won't be told' 🙄. She means well, but FMD it's ridiculous. And yes, like you, my brother doesn't get all that crap!

Your parents are more infuriating though as they're not even 'hands on' just critical from a distance. My mum lives overseas so I don't benefit from her 'hands on' but my brother does - massively!!

In your situation I would either just 'close them down' or go NC. I certainly wouldn't be justifying or arguing with them.

Get a few set phrases and use them!

I know you didn't ask, but I think you are right to keep DS at home until you can move him to a more suitable school. You might not be a specialist teacher, but you're his mum and he sounds happy/calm at home

It sounds as if your parents are the used to getting their own way and users from what you describe. Opinionated, know best. I was struggling to understand why you wouldn’t want your ds to go back to a school with specialist provision. However, I see your ds isn’t happy there. If home life is better, it stands to reason you’d rather have your ds home for now. As for your parents, they have taken no interest in helping out with your dcs. They definitely don’t have any say in how you bring them up. Stop listening to their tripe.

Can I just say that I doubt there will be hardly any formal learning taking place. So I wouldn't worry about the academic side. If he has SEN though it may help with a routine? But ultimately it's your choice so I'd go with what you think is best. You know your child the best

Thanks @lborgia for your kind words. Honestly people have no idea what my son has had to put up with at school and I’ve been bullied and manipulated by so called well meaning professionals and my local authority. My parents seen me close to breaking point last year and still they couldn’t find it in themselves to be supportive. That hurt way more than all the other crap I had dealt with.

Whether anyone agrees or disagrees isn't the point. Your parents should keep their opinions to themselves and support your choice

You know your child best. You come across as a mother who is putting their child at the heart of her decision, and it is you and your partner's decision to make. No one else's.

People will have differing opinions on this, but that isn't the point. The point is that it's your decision to make. Thank them for their opinion and carry on with your own decision.

I'm not in the position to have to make a decision, but I'd make based on my child, not on what someone else thought I should do.

It is totally your call. Thank goodness I am to old to have the problem but do have grandchildren of likely age. Children of that age may not "suffer" with the actual virus so much but in my view they "get everything that's going" and will - if they get infected - spread it. I dread the time when DD has to make the decision as to whether to send her back.

@NiknicK

I completely sympathise op because my own DM is very much the same. Don’t let her make you doubt your choices; you are doing the best thing for your child.

Nobody needs to worry about their child being behind academically as there will be very little teaching going on in schools.

I don't really think it matters why people treat us poorly, what we need to respond to is their actual behaviour.
If you are not the type to respond to your Dad's sarky remarks about going out once a year with your own sarky remarks back about how much better your own grandparents were then your children's.
You should probably just minimise contact. Reduce phone calls and visits and tell them as little as possible when you do speak.
You might need some counseling on this as well as a lot of vents to friends in real life.
But I guarantee you'll be happier ☺️

Ignore them. They are overly critical and you are an adult and entitled to make your own decisions with your own child.

Ignore the posters who think YABU. Some on here can’t cope with people thinking differently as it doesn’t validate their own choices.

People on here are focusing on your decision. Which is not the matter in hand, you’re free to do as you please.

I agree with you OP, your parents sound judgemental and yet useless. Tell them to butt out or withdraw contact to a minimal level.

@cantdothisnow1 Aw sorry I was just about to reply to your post. I agree with you school is not the only way. I home schooled my ds for a short time whilst we were waiting to go to tribunal. He didn’t engage at all at first so we concentrated on outdoor learning as he loved that. So things like going to museums, our local woodland area, parks, doing sand and water play etc. Eventually once he was relaxed and calm he was open to doing some sit down learning. I have a school that I feel is perfect for him and can offer everything that he needs, but unfortunately I come to realise that to get him a place at this school I would have to send him to the local authority school and let that placement fail which I knew it eventually would. My parents had so much to say about me home schooling and actually sat across from me and told me I couldn’t do it and was incapable of teaching my son. Those words really hit home and I haven’t felt the same about them since.

It's difficult but I think you need to forget about your parents being supportive of your choices. Changing your expectations can be liberating.

Stop seeking validation from them and just have confidence in your own decisions.

Prepare yourself for them to disagree and don't engage!

@IncrediblySadToo Aw really. That’s crazy when you’re a full grown woman but then again so am i and my parents still haven’t got the message. My grandparents however who are both 88 are the most loving kindest people you’d ever meet. They always ask about my kids and love it when they go to visit. They love to sit there and here about you and what you’ve been up to and what’s more they don’t judge.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

Do you have a child in a special school, are you aware that not all kids are violent and destructive. Also how the hell do you know that the op isn’t able to cope with educating her child at home.

The reasons that SEN children struggle to cope in school is very often because of bad teaching and the environment it self. (Disclaimer I know the vast majority of teachers do a fantastic job but when your child is a victim of unprofessional practice you are more aware of where the system needs work)

My DS is older now but I think it's too soon. The virus is very new & we don't actually know enough about who spreads it and how. We need a fully functioning test track & isolate programme which is what other successful companies have implemented. Children may well be less affected but who can they spread it to? And what do we know about the rise in Kawasaki disease? Also many teachers are very worried & stressed & that is not a good environment for children.

I think you are right not to send him back yet. All children are being affected academically in one way or another, so that argument doesn't mean a lot, and you know your child best. If I had young children I would definitely be keeping them at home. I think at a time when this virus is spreading so easily, we need to use common sense. @Jizzle he may not be affected, he may spread it to his parents though....
I try never to offer advice to my kids, unless they ask for it. You have your chance to make decisions for your own children. You should not interfere in other people's decisions for theirs, even if you are grandparents.

The parents are right, but OP is entitled to ignore them.

I would love to see the parent's also post in AIBU. They must be very worried about their grandchild. .

This isn’t really about you not sending your child back to school, it’s about your parents not respecting you and your decisions. They sound awful to be honest. Personally I couldn’t put up with having contact with them as it sounds like it’s just constant and they don’t really add much joy to your life.
If you want to be in contact with them, I suppose you just have to tell them these are your decisions to make, it’s your life and then just ignore them. It’s very draining to have people like that around you though.

The parents are right,

There is no right or wrong in this. It’s personal choice and it sounds like the OPs parents are not best placed to have an input into this decision.

YANBU

This is your child.

It is your legal decision how you educate your child, and where and when.

Your Childs education is not dictated by the comfort levels of your parents or society at large. If you choose not to return your child for the time being, nothing else has a bearing on that decision other than your assessment of the risk and benefits of your child.

Your parents can have all the opinions in the world but ultimately you are the one who makes the decisions therefore, I would ignore them and tell them very little - the more you tell them the more they are able to dictate and have opinions on what you do.

Your child, your choice. They have no say and it's rude to voice opinions about how someone else parents.

FWIW I think you are 100% doing the right thing.

Yanbu. It's your choice. Lots of parents are not sending their children back in June. If you're able to keep them at home still without it affecting your work then I agree.
It's up to you and DH to decide. Your parents can't make that decision.