To love one child more than the other

[inadarkdarktown]

I just wondered if other people feel this way too and just never say so because it sounds so awful?

Thank you @poetryinaction - that's how I feel and I hope the same thing happens to me.

I've a few friends who admit to this.

Makes me even more glad I only had one.

Do you not think it’s really narcissistic to enjoy spending time with someone because they’re like you ?? Do you only have friends who are exactly the same as you?

Not exactly the same as me no, but my very closest friends do tend to share a lot similar intests and traits which is probably why we click.

It's the same with my DC. I'm an easy going person, love to laugh and love spontaneity. Hate constant conflict and negativity. My youngest is similiar so spending time with her is a calm enjoyable experience.

My eldest is very bright but intense, serious and prone to explosive tantrums at the slightest inconvenience. It can be very draining and I find myself walking on egg shells sometimes just to keep the peace. I don't think it's narcissistic to find it more difficult. I would say it's fairly understandable!

No I dont but I do love them very different ways. DS1 has a hobby we work together on all the time, it's a huge passion for both of us and I love that we can do that, he is extremely talented in it which is amazing. He is not particularly tactile and has always been an old head so hes like a friend at times.

DS2 is so loving and tactile, we do practical things together and have amazing cuddles. He has autism and ADHD and is such a special little character.

Spending time with DS1 is easier most of the time but it doesnt affect my love for either of them.

Fucking hell. I feel sorry for your dc.

What are you doing about it? You have a duty to change, try counselling or something.

On MN, the only acceptable responses to the question “Do you have a favourite child” are:

a) “Of course not! How dreadful to even suggest it! I love them all equally”, with the following optional caveats:
a. “I was so in love with DC1 that I didn’t think I could possibly love DC2 as much, but of course I did!”
b. “I didn’t feel the rush of love with DC(B) like I did for DC(A), but I absolutely adore them equally now.”
c. “…but I like them differently at different times!” (note - this must miraculously balance out so that all DC get an equal go at being most-liked)
b) Silence

Having a long-term preference for one of your DC seems to be the ultimate taboo that very, very few people will admit to. But what other relationships do we have that come loaded with the absolute, unshakable expectation of unconditional and equal love? It is acceptable to fall out of love with your partner, cut off a friend, to go NC with your siblings or even your own parents. But if you so much as hint at the fact that you feel a level of spontaneous love for one DC that you don’t feel for another, you are vilified as a mother.

You don’t have to spend very long on MN (or anywhere) for it to become abundantly clear that some people are, frankly, not particularly nice. These people were all children once, and I assume not all of them are the way they are because of damaging upbringings. Children are still people – albeit small, vulnerable people – and some children are simply less likeable than others. Perhaps some parents struggle to bond with one of their DC because they really are, objectively, harder to love.

I was deeply impacted by my parents dreadful marriage, and I can’t tell you the number of times I have wanted to post “for fuck’s sake, can’t you see the horrendous damage you are doing to your children, stop being so fucking selfish/weak and just leave” in response to a thread. But I don’t because a) the poster already knows, b) it isn’t helpful and c) I have enough imagination to see that situations are rarely simple and my experience isn’t theirs. Can you imagine responding to a thread about an abusive relationship by recounting the history of your own happy marriage?

Of course, there are some shocking and heart-breaking stories on this thread about parents who have behaved disgracefully and should rightly be held accountable for their children’s suffering. But we have no reason to think that the OP is behaving like this. She is a parent who is seeking to be a better parent by reaching out about something she knows is probably a problem.

OP, I don’t know what the solution is for your situation, but I hope you find a way forward.

There is research about this. Eldest dc are most often the favourites.

I think that if you are aware of it you need to invest extra time and effort with your less favoured child to improve your relationship. Our binds with our dc are not static and they react to what we do.

*Our bonds with our dc (not blinds)

I don’t have a favourite but I’m sure both of mind think it’s the other one! My older one is better behaved due to being older - so the younger one probably thinks they are then”golden child” not being told off etc. Whereas oldest probably thinks youngest gets all the attention!

My brothers and I all think someone else is the favourite too!

@CatteStreet has hit the nail on the head for me 100%.

How is everyone not saying how awful this is? No I don’t love one child more than the others, my love doesn’t split it grows. Your poor unfavored child. Maybe work harder on getting to see what’s inside them and I’m sure you’ll they are exceptional too (disclaimer: your children are probably average but all parents think that their children are exceptional).

Just know that your kids will know and it will affect them well into adulthood.

Favourites are rife within mine and DH family. MIL is obsessed with SIL to the massive detriment to both DH and our DS. Knowing what I do about their childhood, I assume it is in small part to DH being their fathers favourite. However, he lived in another country and they barely saw or see him. She massively overcompensated and turned her DD into a spoilt, entitled person who is not that plesant.

I feel very sorry for your unexceptional child.

@cheeseismydownfall - what other relationship do you literally grow the person in your body or spends months and years of invasive questioning and scrutiny to become responsible for?! You CHOOSE your partner.

The ONLY job of a primary carer is to form a loving bond with the child - we are emotional, social creatures and will literally die from emotional neglect. Experiencing conditional love from a parent - where they cannot see the value of you apart from what you give to them in approval or status or entertainment (or spark ..)...- is incredibly damaging.

If you cannot love a child for their own sake, wholely and completely - then there is some issues to address there in your own experience of familial love. I would suggest support rather than vilification but please don't try to normalise the feelings. We should all be aiming for healthy love of our children.

I really don’t. My eldest son is sensitive, clever, a real deep thinker. My middle son is kind, funny and really inquisitive. I’d say, my eldest behaviourally is more difficult, he is quite cheeky and can be quite rude in comparison to his younger brother who very very rarely misbehaves. However my eldest child really is an absolute joy, he’s so interesting to talk to and I love being one on one with him.

I do worry that my eldest thinks my middle son is the favourite because I tell him off more than my middle son, so I often find myself telling my eldest son how fantastic he is - then I panic that my middle son will hear and get upset. So basically I tell them both how amazing they are over and over again until they fall asleep.

My youngest is a baby and that in itself brings a whole different type of joy.

I’ve never felt this way but I think if I did I would find it very distressing. I’d try to address it through some sort of therapy as it wouldn’t be something I’d be ok with.
I have known people who have felt this way and no matter if they try to hide it, it’s been obvious. It’s caused problems between the siblings as well. Some don’t even try to hide it.

I love them equally but they have different personalities and different needs, meeting those looks unequal on paper.

DS1 needs quiet 1:1 time. DS2 is more sociable and sporting, so he does more sports activities. It might seem unfair when I send DS2 off to a holiday sports club, but both feel that they have the better end of the deal.

DS1 is autistic and some behaviour can be unlovable, and I have to make sure that in the aftermath of an incident, that I reassure him that I love him and who he is (not always how he lashes out). DS2 needs that loving reassurance that I don't overlook him due to DS1's needs, and that I'm not rewarding poor behaviour.

As human beings, I love different parts of their differing personalities, but actual love is equal. While DS2 is the "easier" child (although often more annoying when he gets going ) I feel aware that he's probably more at risk of feeling taken for granted.

I've seen the toll of playing favourites and "golden child" in my extended family, and the toll is still felt decades later and has had a profound effect on the family structure and relationships.

My dad didn't love me until I was a teenager, because I was a shitty useless female, and also had autism that I had to learn to manage on my own. My contrast I have three of my own - I never ever love them more or less than each other. Maybe sometimes one will be frustrating me more, but it doesn't mean I love them more or less.

I love mine with equal passion, but I 'get' one easier than I 'get' the other. I'm more similar to one than the other so I just understand him more.

But I love them with equal passion and in equal amounts (basically more than words can say. They r gorgeous, lovely, sweet, incredible, funny, amazing human beings and I'd be lost without them)

My mother in law might not have a favourite son but she definitely has a favourite daughter in law. Oh, and it’s not me.

You need to work on changing this feeling OP. Spend time on your own with the less favoured child and try to really enter into their world. You will most likely find a lot of endearing qualities. You have identified a feeling which you can take active steps to change. It doesn't help for people to tell you it's disgusting nor does it help to reassure you that it is okay. If you nurture this preference it will cause problems later for both your children.

I was thinking about this tonight and reading through it seems to be a common thing. If you have a,favourite child you seem to have a favourite grandchild also (the child of your favourite). This is going to lead to a lot of resentment.
Only this week both my children have made comments about grandad having a favourite. Of course I say that of course grandad loves and cares about them but I can't actually disagree with them. A part of me feels guilty like I should have discouraged a relationship between my dad and children but on the plus side they do have a brilliant relationship with my mum. She probably over compensates all the other grandchildren because she feels guilty about the way my dad treats one.
I! I'm just saying please be careful with having favourites because it can go on for years and affect lots of people. I hated my sister growing up although we get on now and I'm sure it was partly to do with my dad's favouritism.

@inadarkdarktown

Don't pay attention to the "tut-tutters."

I love them both, but one is more difficult than the other (at school, specifically) . And the more difficult one is my clone (except for the school bit) and firstborn - and so guilt...sadness...pride...joy! All at once. The second...my husband's clone...longed for daughter...adored...maternal..very sensitive.

And then they are both growing up, so rules are constantly changing - like one can be trusted to put down the phone! And one can't! Can't scold both the same. Parenting isn't easy.

Are you getting ‘love’ and ‘like’ mixed up OP? I find it very strange that a mother could say she loves one child more than the other.
How old are your DC?
I love my children absolutely the same, however one of them is very like me and we can spend hours and hours discussing things, and are very similar in our views and personality, so click well. I don’t love them more than the other. The other is an amazing person and I admire and love them hugely. I am so lucky to have both in my life.
One has definitely been easier than the other at times, and vice versa.
As a child myself who was very clearly not the favourite, please, please don’t ever show you favour one over the other. It causes irreparable damage to your child’s self-esteem and mental health, forms aspects of their personality, causes issues with relationships, both with their parents and siblings, as well as future relationships. They will always feel like shit, and will probably spend a chunk of their lives feeling angry with you. Even if they try not to show it.