To love one child more than the other

[inadarkdarktown]

I just wondered if other people feel this way too and just never say so because it sounds so awful?

Thank you for all your responses I am reading with interest.

I am prepared to find that things change as they get older and it is not that I don't love my younger DD, I do. My elder one isn't more clever or anything like that, I just find her a particularly sparkly child. Her birth was more difficult if anything. Maybe I've just had longer to fall in love with her.

Think some parents who state they don’t have a favourite are in denial (and have not hid it as well as they think they have)

I can categorically state that I do not have a favourite! I have three kids, 28, 19 and 13 - they are all bloody funny and bloody annoying in equal measure and I love them all equally. There are definitely things that I have more in common with one than the other - right now, it’s Marvel and all things movies with the 19 year old, pregnancy with the 28 year old, and musicals and dance classes with the 13 year old, but in everything else, we have common ground. Maybe the age gap helps - there’s no competition with each other, as they are all at different stages

Maybe the age gap helps - there’s no competition with each other, as they are all at different stages That's a very good point, I've got 20 years between youngest and oldest, I think the older ones liked that alot of my focus was on the younger ones when they were potentially "difficult" teenagers, the younger ones felt the same when I was busy doing childcare with GC. I think it sometimes saved a lot of angst, sometimes they tell me something that if I'd known about at the time would have definitely caused angst.

My mother crows smugly "I treat you differently because you ARE different". She's really proud of that one and repeats it a lot. She thinks it's a get out of jail free card to excuse all her acts of favouritism towards my sister and her preferred grandchildren (coincidentally my sister's children).

I always seethe and think being "different" is not an excuse for unfairness.

I've always felt I was punished for not being exactly the type of daughter my parents wanted. There's nothing wrong with me - I'm just not exactly like my sister. My children and I could disappear off the face of the earth and I doubt my parents world even notice.

It's very very damaging and I can't believe my parents can't see how cruel it is. I have two children and I would never ever want them to feel like this.

If I'm ever accused of having a favourite I tell them I dislike them all equally. They unite in their outrage.

@honeylulu that sounds very sad. They are missing out.

I have two daughters, the eldest nearly 3 and the youngest 4 months - I can 100% say I love them equally. I don't feel like there's a scale of love for my children, I just wholeheartedly and completely love them.

I like a lot of different traits about them because they have their own personalities, but I definitely don't love one more than the other.

I think it's only natural that you might have a preference towards one of your children's personality type/ nature/ behaviour.
The important thing as a parent is to make sure your love, affection and positive attention is seen to be shared equally between all your children in spite of any preferences.
I was definitely the least favoured of my DM's daughters and got much less positive attention. DM would say this was because I was defiant, spiky and defensive. I think I became spiky, defiant and defensive because I wasn't treated or valued the way my sisters were 🤷‍♀️

I love my two equally. Both adults now.
For a while I found my dd an easier adult than ds. Now it’s reversed and ds is easier to get along with.
OP if you worry about your dc in equal measure it’s because you love them equally ime.

'Sparkly'?

I can only advise you to stop being dazzled by this 'exceptional' older child and start looking very hard for all the things that sparkle about your younger one - things that are definitely there, waiting for you to discover them. Depending on how old she is, she is very, very likely to either know already or be about to find out how 'sparkly' you think her sister is.

I honestly find a lot of this sort of talk about feeling more drawn to one child than the other quite narcissistic on the parent's part. We all have narcissistic traits, but it's when we indulge them - when we tend towards looking at our children as reflections of or on ourselves in some way rather than as the selves, the individuals they are - that we risk doing damage.

I have three, they are all very different ability- and personality-wise - and two in particular are very different from me - and they all have characteristics that delight me and characteristics that infuriate me. If ever I find myself feeling more 'drawn' to one than the others, I check myself sharpish, and spend conscious time focusing on the others, what makes them tick and on their positive qualities, especially ones that don't tally up with my imagination of what they would be like.

Being a (decent) parent means stepping back from yourself and giving your children room, emotionally and developmentally just as much as (if not more so than) practically.

I'm my mum's least favourite child. I always have been. I used to try so hard to get her to love me, and my kids, like she does my siblings and their kids but I've given up. It's her loss, not ours. It's taken me 40+ years to realise that.

No I have three. One with SN. I love the all equally but am way more protective of my eldest SN son even though he’s an adult.

I can only advise you to stop being dazzled by this 'exceptional' older child and start looking very hard for all the things that sparkle about your younger one - things that are definitely there, waiting for you to discover them.

This.

I always tell mine that the dog is my favourite.

I find DS way harder to get along with, he is incredibly intense, very bright, very creative, super difficult. He is exceptional (in my eyes), he is amazing. Some days I find him almost impossible but I love him. He is way more similar to me which creates some of the tension. He is also heading to teenage years and is awash with hormones which coupled with lockdown is not making for an easy situation.

DD is less "exceptional", less intense, still bright but way easier to be around and a much sunnier child. I love her, I love her cheerfulness and her positivity. I find her laziness and procrastination infuriating. Do I expect her positivity to last when she hits her teens? No.

So, currently I find one child easier than the other. They are both much nicer one-on-one so that might be the answer OP - try and spend time with them individually, they you don't find yourself comparing so much.

I'm also fortunate in that I have one of each so can have a favourite boy and a favourite girl, which makes life easier.

My mum clearly had her favourites and to this day it still affects the bond we have with her and with each other.
Sibling rivalry is why I never managed to get a proper relationship with my only sister (to the point where I didn't send her a message after DS was born because she ignored my pregnancy and DS is nearly 1 years old now and we haven't been in touch once since he was born). I have given up and I think too much has happened to ever rebuild any kind of relationship. But I do wonder if we grew up in a different dynamic if we would have been closer.

When one child is preferred they can quickly latch onto that as a means of power. My younger sister used to whinge and snitch constantly to get her way and was always believed. As other posters has said we grew apart as adults and now barely speak.

I was/am the least loved child. The effects on me can’t be over stated. I only had one child as I was utterly terrified that if I had more I’d favour one and do the same as my parents did to me.

All children have exceptional qualities. They are all different, some more academic than others, some more outgoing than others but every person has positives and negatives. I can’t imagine loving one child more than another - my heart seemed to double in size for my second child. My husbands mother clearly loves her older child more and continues to favour them even now. It has had massive confidence and self esteem consequences for my husband.

You can like one more than the other, but you love both equally.

For a couple of years I worried about this. I loved all my children fiercely but only one of them I didn't get that rush of love when she was born. I loved her, but worried I loved her a little less than the other 2. She was harder work, an easier birth.
But now she is 4 and I am completely obsessed with her. She has blossomed, and is wonderful company to me and her siblings. She is creative, kind and strong. I am in awe of her.
I love all three the same, totally. I have no idea why I didn't bond with her as much aat first. But it came.

Some of the comments here are absolutely awful. OP has been brave enough to reach out about something that is a taboo topic.
About a feeling she almost certainly didn’t choose. Maybe caused by birth trauma, post natal depression or any number of other factors that affect women and are not of her choosing. Who knows what her current state of mind is. I imagine she is at least confused, guilty or ashamed. Have some empathy. And yes, for the less favoured child too. It needn’t be one or the other. Mother or child. Both are important.

I have two step children who I have raised since tiny ( mother died) and a natural child.
They all have the same father (dh)
I understand my natural child and younger step child more than the elder as they have more of me in them .
However I would unquestionably give my life without thought for any of my children and they all know this although my relationship with my eldest has and always will be more challenging because they need more attention than the others.
They all joke I favour them more than their siblings but I honestly don't.
I would imagine it would make for a very unhappy and unhealthy family life if they weren't all loved equally.

Your younger child has beautiful qualities too. Give her a chance and don't just let her be outshone by your "sparkly" eldest.

I was a little disturbed by your use of the word "exceptional", as if you think your eldest has somehow earned the right to more of your love. I really hope you didn't mean it that way.

CatteStreet I have bookmarked your response it completely explains the situations I have experienced within my family..(I have a wonderful niece and you could have been talking about her situation, something that I've helped her to overcome)
This is why I love Mumsnet as occasionally there is a gem of a response that helps to untangle the thoughts inside your head. Thank you for your excellent considered response, I think it shows how the fault is in the person actively making the choices to favour rather than the person who is or isn't golden child.

I'm closer to one child than the other, we have more in common and he generally has a more likeable personality, but no, I love them equally.